I pretended to be oblivious. I pretended I couldn't grasp the concept. Even though my grades were more than average, I continued to act as the bubbly and happy person everyone knew me as.
Of course, I'm not denying that I'm not bubbly or happy, but I am human. Certain emotions tend to get the better of me, and despite my kind nature, I am capable of harboring ill feelings, as destructive as a full-fledged storm. I felt guilt whenever these emotions blinded me, but I'd come to be calm, and accept it. After all, I could not change what I felt.
Though I wished with all my heart I could.
Take, for instance, Ichigo. At first he was nothing to me, nothing more than a brooding, scowling, scary classmate. But then I'd gotten to know him, and the things I felt for him couldn't be classified as friendly anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could change how I felt about him, because the feelings were not recognized, at least not by him.
The slight sigh the lack of recognition brought to my lips developed into a sharp pain in my chest quite quickly. I'd never really considered anything from Rukia's and Ichigo's relationship, but lately, or maybe I'd had a thought long ago, I was beginning to see.
Of course, I didn't want to see. I didn't like the warning stings that erupted inside of me. So I pretended to be oblivious.
But it was so hard to ignore the fact that she could make everything right in his world again, while all I could do was babble unheard, timid encouragement. She spent more time with him, and only she could soften his scowl to the extent one would think impossible.
And, it was hard to ignore that he offered her, and only her, a smile that reached his eyes. Because, most of the time, he smiled because of her. It was harder to ignore the unrelenting and sheer devotion and emotion he'd displayed while he showed everyone that he would, and did, save her from certain death. It was painfully hardest to ignore the way he gazed at her when she was wounded, the way common concern for friends spread so much deeper in his expression when he saw her in danger or hurt.
These things, these things that were hard to ignore, were hardly skimming the surface. All of these things were hardly noticeable, or shrugged off as unimportant, and only careful perception, or a sighting for the obvious could reveal what was underneath a poorly lain surface.
Because, Ichigo did care for all his friends deeply, he just cared more for her. He did smile once in a while, but only truly for her. And she, she loved every one of her important people, but top of the list was him.
What made it worse–the fact that they were so oblivious to their own feelings. Or maybe they didn't want to acknowledge them, whatever the case may be, it seemed to me that feigned oblivion was catching on.
It was hard, knowing that I was so in love with him, that he couldn't return the feeling. But this, this is a thought I rarely, if ever, dwelled upon. It helped with the easy going obliviousness.
I knew I was pretending to be clueless, I knew that I was past the point of hiding behind pretenses, but there was still a shred of denial inside of me.
Despite everything, despite my logic (what little of it I seemed to have) telling me otherwise, I brushed it off, choosing to ignore the painfully ignorable, and to allow myself to hope.
What a foolish, foolish thing to do. Even after I'd build a small, wobbly tower of hope, and have it brutally crushed time and time again, I always insisted on rebuilding. Just yesterday, when I managed to get everyone out for a camping trip overnight, the small tower was ripped apart.
I was excited, to have the group together. To spend time with the people I loved. I'd spent a long time planning the trip, and finally everyone was free. My long-term plans were at last fulfilled, and the camping trip was a success. On the exterior, of course for me, it seemed that way.
There were four tents, two for the men, and two for the women. Each was relatively big, and there was plenty of room for the people who'd come.
We'd been sitting around a fire roasting marshmallows ( I wasn't allowed to bring the chocolate fish sauce I'd been preparing the night prior) and the air was filled with mild, pleasant conversations and laughter. Everyone was having a good time.
Some had scattered away to wander about, and some were lounging around the fire. It was as natural as if we weren't in the middle of the woods.
What caught my attention was Ichigo, and Rukia, who sat side by side, both leaning against a tree. They spoke not one word, and their faces were peaceful–or just calm. The fire reflected in a flattering way off of (grudgingly admitted) both their faces. It looked like a scene out of movie, or a painting some stuck up artist would want to paint.
They didn't move, save for a marshmallow expedition once or twice. Otherwise, they didn't even partake in the usual intelligent banter that always exploded with childishness between the two.
They had looked tired that day...probably for some top secret reason I shall never know about...but it still bothered me...them being that...silent...and close.
Slowly, everyone started to unzip their sleeping bags and head in their respectable tents, yawning and stretching. After a while, it was only Chad, Ichigo, Rukia and I who were left at the campfire, which was starting to diminish.
My eyes were becoming heavy, and so I spoke a cheerful goodnight to the three others, which was returned only half heartedly. I was almost sour, though I didn't let it show, because I had to go to bed. Ichigo and Rukia didn't look like they were moving.
I went into my tent, the other girls already asleep, and slowly prepared for bed. After some time, I peeked out the tent, and what I saw made my heart clench in concentrated envy.
Ichigo had fallen to the side of the tree he had been leaning on, and his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell in deep, even patterns. Laying on his chest, seeming to have fallen over also, was Rukia.
If it were only their forms sprawled out because they'd fallen asleep and had landed in that position, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. But Ichigo's arm was wrapped around Rukia's small form, and she clung to him for warmth. They both looked content, Ichigo's hard face was notably softer. Not only that, Rukia seemed to fit perfectly into the mold of his body, and Ichigo only displayed more of his protectiveness and...dare I say...love for her with his arm bound so tight and...comforting-looking around her.
Chad then glanced behind him, and for a wild second I thought he'd noticed me. But he only glanced at the two sleeping figures, and then turned his head back with an audible sigh.
The boy's face displayed a small smile as he stood, and then disappeared past my line of sight. When I could see him again, he held a big blanket, no doubt meant for him, and draped it over the couple.
Chad then turned and entered the men's tent, and then there was nothing left to see but the two of them lying there, together, while the scenery added to the beauty. The dark trees surrounded them and the clearing of the almost perfect circle was dimly lit by the dying embers of the fire. And they lay, unperturbed by the almost sinister beauty of the woods at night. They simply lay.
I sighed, and decided I should go to bed when I thought I heard Ichigo mumble something that sounded very much like 'mine.'
In the morning when I woke up, I could tell it was still early. If the chill and the dim light didn't make that obvious enough. I found myself scrambling to unzip the tent, quietly, and only a little, just large enough so that I could peek through.
I didn't know why I rushed, but I found my small tower, only half rebuilt from the previous night, crumbling into pieces.
Ichigo had now secured both of his arms around the girl laying next to him, and she had nestled her head full of disheveled hair in the crook of his neck, and he had his cheek pressed lightly against her head. It looked, again, like something out of a movie, too unrealistic to actually be happening.
I resisted the urge to cry in frustration, and glared at the ever content expressions decorating both faces before I grudgingly crawled back to the warmth of my sleeping bag.
Somehow, I drifted back to sleep, and the startled yells of two people woke me up again. I noticed most other people were up, and I hastily threw off the sleeping bag and hurried outside.
Ichigo and Rukia were tangled in the blanket they had been sharing, and they were distanced as much as the blanket would allow. Both had red faces and were sputtering and bickering, making little sense.
Some people, just getting out of their tents (obviously I was not the only one roused by the yells) sniggered to themselves, and other heads poked out the tent, some of the men sporting sour looks of resentment towards Ichigo, while some even had small smiles as they quietly went about gathering their items.
There was much joking and teasing, more blushing on their accounts, and a refusal to even look at one another for the rest of the day. Eventually, the trip back home was made, smiles plastered on many faces.
It was ridiculous that one night could be so destroying...devastating for me. My small tower of hope was much harder to rebuild after that.
Two weeks after the camping incident, my tower was starting the gain some height, nothing to deter the rebuilding but a couple of moments and looks, always going unnoticed by everyone but me.
I wasn't as naive as everyone thought. Concerning this, at least, I wasn't missing anything.
Monday at school, I was in higher spirits than I had been for a long time. I found myself taking the stairs down from the library, when I heard something. Just voices, but the voices made me stop, I hardly breathed, and I didn't make a sound. With every amount of caution I possessed in my clumsy body, I peeked over the railing.
Sitting against the wall, at the bottom of another two flights of stairs, was Ichigo and Rukia. They were talking, and nothing in their expression differed from normalcy. But I couldn't move. And I was listening to each word spoken with an intensity very much unlike me.
" It's your fault I'm so tired. Don't blame me for falling asleep in class, baka. If you hadn't made me get up at four in the morning to take care of a hollow, I wouldn't be falling asleep."
" Ichigo," and her voice was annoyed. " It's not my fault at all. It's your responsibility to eliminate the danger in this town. So stop being so immature about it."
" Who's immature?" he muttered, turning his head away.
It was silent for a while, and then Rukia spoke.
" Are you still moping, Ichigo?" she asked softly.
He didn't answer, but he made a 'che' sound in a disgruntled, strangled voice.
" Ichigo," she sighed. " I'm fine. What's a broken arm? Stop worrying yourself, baka."
I was surprised. I hadn't seen Rukia today...but I didn't know she had a broken arm either.
" I'm not worried, why would I be?"
" I can take care of myself Ichigo, it doesn't matter that I got a broken arm, fool."
" But...you're hurt because I couldn't..." it sounded like he was choking out the words.
" Ichigo," she placed a hand on his shoulder. " I'm fine."
" No you're not, you–mm"
My jaw dropped. I suppressed a gasp. Rukia was now kissing Ichigo full on the lips, her hand on his shoulder. He moaned a little, and then simultaneously placed a hand at the back of her head, bringing her closer. His other arm encircled around her waist, and she gripped the fabric of his shirt.
After what seemed like an eternity, they separated, breathing hard. Even from where I stood, motionless, I could see the warm glow in his eyes.
" See," Rukia said, leaning her forehead against his. " I'm fine."
Ichigo's eyes were smoldering. He closed them, leaning into Rukia. " Okay," he whispered.
I didn't know why I was still standing there, but with a sudden bolt of electricity my legs jolted into motion. I ran, tears forming in my eyes. I don't know if they would have heard me, they were much too engrossed in their own world.
It was unfair. My tower was completely ruined, reduced to dust. Why was fate so cruel? Did it exist to destroy all my pretending, to blow away all my denial? Was it just waiting for me to be caught off guard so it could show me how ridiculously blind I was?
Though...I wasn't blind. I knew all along. But I'd never wanted to believe. I'd never wanted to see.
And now I had.
I ran out the doors of the school, desperate to find a secluded area where I could just be alone.
This was so unfair. I sobbed. My tower could never be rebuilt.
I couldn't pretend to be oblivious anymore.
I couldn't pretend.
Okay. It's obvious that this is not for Inoue lovers. I wonder if I made her...too smart? I don't know...love can do thing to people?..(lame excuse..I know --) And, I'm so sorry about how OOC this was! Good man. I don't know, I'm sick, I started writing this at like 4AM...maybe you could blame this on New Moon. I'm in the middle of reading that book, with Twilight still fresh in my mind, and the whole devoted love thing really demented my ability to write IC IchiRuki stuff. I know this is certainly not my best, the idea has probably been done before, but I know a lot of people wanted to see some IchiRuki out of me, and for reasons unknown to me, I had this incredible urge to write something about them, with all sorts of ideas that were much to lovey-dovey to be even remotely in-character. This is the toned-down version. Wow. Long explanation, I suppose I just don't want ya'll to hate it! Haha, a review would be nice?
Mucho love!