July 24, 1999

Sirius Black held the tape in his hand, flipping it over repeatedly, while his cat, Perseus softly purred next to him. Remus Lupin had made him a mixtape. He had told Sirius that he would on the last day of classes but he hadn't believed it.

Sirius was lying in bed, wondering why he hadn't stuck the tape in his walkman yet. Perhaps, it was nerves. This was a big deal, after all. It wasn't every day that the bloke you secretly loved gave you a mixtape.

Not that Remus knew how Sirius felt about him, nor did he know the way he struggled to sleep at night wishing he could hold him, lie next to him, feel the warmth and breathing of his body. Today the universe had given Sirius an awesome gift.

He rolled over and grabbed his walkman from the nightstand. He pulled the tape from its casing, opened the walkman, slid the tape inside then closed it shut. Inside the case, was a sleeve, on which Remus had written the track listing of the songs he had recorded, but Sirius elected to set them aside and just focus, for the moment, on the way the music sounded.

His parents didn't let him listen to popular music much. They had raised him on classical music, opera or Christian music. Popular music was filled with sin, they said.

Of course, they couldn't control everything, especially now that he was sixteen. His best friend, James Potter, had played him loads of music, as had Remus, but he'd never really had anything that really belonged to him. Even his walkman was a gift from James that he had had to sneak into and out of his bedroom. But mow he had something from Remus that was wholly his, consisting of songs that Remus had chose especially for him.

Sirius slipped the headphones on over his ears, brushing his dark hair out of the way, and pressed play. His ears were immediately filled with a blippy, repeating sound of what sounded like a synthesiser. This was gradually followed by dramatic piano, which was then also followed by guitar and drums before a voice finally began to sing:

Out here in the fields

I fight for my meals

I get back into my living

I don't need to fight

To prove I'm right

I don't need to be forgiven

The song had a grand, moving feel to it and Sirius bobbed his head. By the time it arrived to the chorus of the phrase 'Teenage wasteland' being repeated he was hooked.

The next song Sirius had actually heard before and he whispered along to the chorus of:

But I would walk 500 miles

And I would walk 500 more

To be the man who walked 1,000 miles

To fall down at your door

James had played it to Sirius and told him how it made him think of Lily. Sirius had made fun of James for it and his seemingly hopeless crush on Lily Evans, but he felt bad now that he realised how much he wanted to believe Remus felt like this song was about him.

Ziggy played guitar

Jamming good with Weird and Gilly

And the spiders from Mars

He played it left hand

But made it too far

Became the special man

Then we were Ziggy's band

This next song was definitely something interesting and Sirius had a strange urge to hop up and mime playing the guitar, but somehow resisted, though he did rock on the bed a bit hard, briefly stirring Perseus out of slumber, causing him to place a paw on his thigh, perhaps out of desperation.

She's a Killer Queen

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

This song was magical! Sirius quickly reached over to the cassette case and pulled out the sleeve and read that it was "Killer Queen" by the band Queen. When he saw there was a couple more tracks by them on this side of the cassette he was very pleased.

Side A of the cassette played on with songs by The Smiths and XTC, according to the sleeve. He took special interest in a track entitled "Paint it Black" by The Rolling Stones.

I look inside myself and see my heart is black

I see my red door I must have it painted black

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts

It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

Again, Sirius wanted to see this as a veiled message given the appearance of his surname, though, this admittedly this wasn't a happy song, so he thought he should perhaps be cautious of reading too much into it.

Along this way

Outside the prison gates

I love the romance of crime

And I wonder :

Does anybody feel the same way I do?

And is evil just something you are

Or something you do?

The lyrics of "Sister I'm a Poet" fascinated Sirius, though he was puzzled by Morrissey's inability to sing the title of the song in full during the chorus.

After that song, there was another Queen song that made Sirius bounce on the bed. He again awoke Perseus, who now decided to hop up on his chest, attempting to rest his black fluff against Sirius's face.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you to a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

This next song, "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen according to the sleeve, was odd and puzzling. But the lyrics were evocative and moving even though he didn't exactly understand their meaning. He couldn't figure out if the song was meant to be religious but he somehow suspected that it was not.

How I wish, how I wish you were here

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

Running over the same old ground

What have we found?

The same old fears

Wish you were here

Sirius had heard a little Pink Floyd before and it hadn't really appealed to him that much but this song was interesting, he had to admit.

Finally, he reached the final song on Side A: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen.

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time

I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out - yeah

And floating around in ecstasy

So don't stop me now don't stop me

'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

Suddenly, Sirius couldn't help himself. He sat straight up, knocking Perseus, who made a sad noise, off his chest. He leapt from the bed then danced along to the song. Something about it forced him to want to take the world on and let himself be free of all chains and inhibitions. For a few, short, ridiculous minutes he felt like anything was possible.

Perseus, old cat that he was, watched Sirius from the bed with a look that straddled the line between curiosity and indifference. Sirius patted his cat on the head then laid back down, apparently satisfied.

Once the song was over, Sirius pulled the headphones off his head and set his walkman down. He then went over and grabbed his new mobile phone then immediately dialed Remus's number.

"Hello," Remus said after picking up.

"Remus! I've just listened to the first half of the tape you made me!" Sirius said, barely able to control his excitement.

"Oh?" Remus said, sounding strangely unenthused.

"Yes. It was fantastic! I'm really loving Queen, actually," Sirius said.

"That's wonderful," Remus said.

Sirius felt his excitement taking a small hit. Why wasn't Remus more excited? He had gone to the trouble to make the tape and now that Sirius was telling him how much he loved it, Remus barely seemed interested.

"Are you still there?" Remus asked.

"Oh, sorry. Got distracted," Sirius lied.

Sirius knew Remus didn't like talking on the phone and decided that he should probably just leave him alone. He was clearly bothering him.

"Well, I'll just let you go then. I'll probably listen to the other side later," Sirius said.

"OK. Let me know what you think," Remus said.

"Goodbye," Sirius.

"Bye," Remus said and Sirius hung up.

Lily Evans lay on her bed, staring at her bedroom ceiling in the dark. She had taped glow in the dark stars all over her room. She'd been smoking weed and was definitely high and marveling at her good work. The phone rang and she groaned and tried to muster whatever energy she could to answer it. She was thankful she finally had her own line and no longer had to worry about phone calls disturbing her parents.

"Hello, Remus," Lily said, noticing his name on the caller ID, that she could barely read with what little light the stars produced.

"Hello, Lils," Remus said, sounding sort of pleased.

"What's the good news?" Lily said, flopping back on the bed.

"Sirius likes the tape!" Remus said.

"Does he? That's lovely," Lily said.

"You're high," Remus observed.

"Yes. Sorry," Lily said.

"Don't be," Remus said.

Lily shrugged pointlessly, and said, "All right. I'm not."

"Sirius says he's loving Queen. You were right about that," Remus said.

"See! You can always trust me," Lily said.

"Quite right, you were. He says he's going to play the other side later. I can't wait to see what he thinks about Pulp or Radiohead," Remus said.

"He'll love it, I'm sure," Lily said, then yawned and stretched.

"You seem tired. I'll let you go," Remus said.

"All right, Remus," Lily said.

"Good night, Lily," Remus said.

"Good night," she replied and heard him hang up.

Lily had no intention of going to sleep just yet, but she knew Remus didn't like talking on the phone all that much, so she didn't attempt to dissuade him. And she was far too high for good conversation anyhow, though she could feel her high beginning to fade.

She wished she had put on some music because now she felt too low on energy to get up and bother. She could go for some Pulp right now, herself. Lily hoped things worked out between the boys sometime soon. Watching them both pine over each other was worse than anything she'd ever seen on Eastenders. She wanted them to skip all the bullshit and get to the part where they are making out and holding hands.

She supposed it kept her entertained but at the end of the day she just wanted to see Remus happy. He'd been pining over Sirius Black for nearly two years now. He deserved a little relief.

She wondered if things were this bad for Sirius's best friend, James Potter. She wondered if Sirius Black ever called James Potter to talk about how much he longed to be in the arms of Remus Lupin or if he cried on James's shoulder, believing that Remus would never love him. Probably, she decided.

Of course, she also wondered if James Potter called Sirius Black to talk about her. Yes, she knew that James fancied her. According to Remus, it had begun from the moment he first saw her. James had also made his interest very clear from time to time, but for the longest time she'd simply thought he was too immature.

And then just when she was beginning to think he had grown up and was starting to live up to his good looks and natural charm, they had all gone and played that nasty prank on her former friend, Severus Snape.

In many ways, Lily still had a low opinion of Sev. He had bullied Remus relentlessly in disgusting ways and even now he continued to be nasty to other students and his new friends really were an awful sort. But the prank James, Sirius, Peter and Remus had pulled on Sev had nearly gotten him killed.

It had been James's idea for Remus to dress up as werewolf and scare Sev while he was alone by the River Tame in Uppermill with family on holiday. They'd been successful, but he had injured himself in the river and nearly drown. Sev had been unable to prove it was them but he had called her, still having her number after all these years, and accused them of doing it and promising to pay them back somehow.

Sev had never done anything to retaliate, but Lily had shared a great many cross words with Remus and his friends. But it had now been a year and they'd all moved past it, she supposed. James had seemed different all year and ever so handsome. Oh god, James Potter had become very handsome.

He was tall. Not as tall as Sirius Black was but nearly. A few years ago he had seemed a little awkward, lanky and too thin but now he seemed more… cool and he had really filled out. She made a mental note to try and tag along to any beach trips the lads might take during summer break. Not that she was convinced she would remember any mental notes she took right now.

Lily rolled over and sighed, thinking about James Potter. She imagined his pouty lips and fine facial features, his messy hair that looked cuter than it had any bloody right to, his hazel eyes that she sometimes caught looking her over. She thought more about his lips and felt her body flush. Yes, she wondered what those lips would feel like on hers. She wondered what his big hands would feel like touching her body, or the feel of his body heat and the touch of his bare skin against her.

Lily grunted and rubbed her thighs together in frustration. She definitely wasn't getting any sleep now.

"I just don't know, James," Sirius said, perhaps, for the tenth time in the last hour.

James was struggling to remain conscious. He covered his mobile and yawned. After removing his hand he said, "So you've said, mate. Just sleep on it."

"I can't sleep! I just… I thought it was something special, but then I talked to Remus and he barely seemed interested!" Sirius said, his voice strained and distressed.

"I think you're making too much of it. Remus hates talking on the phone. Anyway, he never has struck me as the sort of bloke to be obvious about his emotions," James replied.

Sirius went silent, possibly contemplating this. James had rarely seen Remus actually display anything resembling strong emotion before. If he was upset he brooded silently. If he was happy he would smile but he never seemed too excited about anything, except for those shining moments where James assumed he truly let go of whatever walls he was putting up to protect himself from being hurt.

"I just don't know," Sirius repeated.

James could hear Perseus loudly purring, probably demanding his owner give him due attention. James sighed, and wished he knew what to tell his best friend. Remus and Sirius ending up together felt like the inevitable end to a good story: good friends turned lovers after years of pining in mutual silence, finally together as they kiss in the rain and the music swells dramatically.

Except, in this story, they were both blokes. For some reason, that wasn't usually the case in movies. While boys and girls getting together suited James just fine, he had to admit it had to suck for those who weren't as into that.

"I'm telling you, Sirius: try and get some sleep. Your head will feel clearer in the morning," James said.

Sirius sighed on the other hand.

"Perhaps so. Good night, James," Sirius said.

"Night, mate," James said and hung up.

James set his phone on the night stand. He wondered about himself and Lily Evans. If Remus and Sirius were the friends kissing in the rain, overcoming all odds, what were he and Lily? He had to admit that the chances of her of wanting to be with him seemed slim.

He and Lily were friends but not in the way that Remus and Sirius were friends. Lily had always been Remus's best friend and a mutual friend of their entire group including himself, Remus, Sirius and Peter Pettigrew. She wasn't a part of their group but she was sort of adjacent to it.

James leaned back over, removed his glasses and turned off his lamp. With the lights out, he rolled over onto his side and thought more about Lily. Everything she did was amazing. He loved the way she smiled and the way she laughed. The way she seemed to care about everyone, even nasty gits like Severus Snape. She always saw the best in everyone. He couldn't relate to that but he could certainly admire it.

He loved how she was so smart without seeming nerdy or bookish in a way that bored him. It was a casual sort of intelligence.

But she liked to smoke marijuana and babble about the meaning of life and God, at least according to Remus. He'd never known any pot smokers who also had good grades and always showed up for class.

Lily was a special sort of girl. And she was really very, very pretty. He was no match for her dark red hair, green eyes and thin but soft looking lips that were always painted bright red. Her smile seemed to waver between warm and kind to sly and mischievous.

But what must she think of him, silly, immature, prankster, James Potter? He sighed. Such an amazing girl like Lily Evans would never have any use for such as him. James could feel himself beginning to drifting off to sleep. He liked to imagine himself falling asleep in Lily's arms. He wondered if that made him silly.

I want to live like common people

I want to do whatever common people do

I want to sleep with common people

I want to sleep with common people

Like you

Sirius had been unable to sleep, no matter how hard he tried. So instead he was lying in bed listening to Side B of Remus's mixtape. Sirius had heard Remus and Lily talk about Pulp frequently. Lily loved them apparently. Sirius felt like he might've heard this song before but he wasn't sure. It was enjoyable, though.

Caught your hand inside the till

Slammed your fingers in the door

Fought with kitchen knives and skewers

Dressed me up in women's clothes

Messed around with gender roles

Line my eyes and call me pretty

He was also almost positive that he had heard "Laid" by James before. He supposed with Side B consisting of newer songs he'd've had more chance to have heard them before. The following songs by The Cranberries, Blur and Radiohead were all also familiar in a vague sort of way. The Radiohead song was enjoyable in particular:

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

Sirius sometimes thought this was how he felt around Remus, even if that made no real sense. But something about the song rang true for him.

The mixtape continued with more Pulp, Belle and Sebastian, more Radiohead and R.E.M.. The R.E.M. song, "Nightswimming", was enchanting:

Nightswimming,

remembering that night

September's coming soon

I'm pining for the moon

And what if there were two

Side by side in orbit around the fairest sun?

The bright tide forever drawn

Could not describe nightswimming

The words made him cry for reasons he couldn't really explain. He closed his eyes and imagined himself and Remus swimming in a lake together, lit only by moonlight. They were naked and laughing, placing their hands on each others arms and pulling together, magnetically, their mouths hot and hungry as they pressed together, hearts pounding out of control.

As "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" by Radiohead finished the tape, Sirius found himself lost in the moonlit waters of longing, desire and the oncoming relief of sleep. He was vaguely aware of Perseus stirring at his feet but nothing else after that.