It gets a bit dark as realization hits your head.

-

"Honey, lemme in," he called, banging on the door. "I haven't seen you all day, lemme give yah a hug. Big smooch," he laughed loudly, continuing to bang upon the wooden barrier between us.

I wanted to. I really did - what he said was true. He's been gone all day, and I missed him.

But coming home like this and making me run for the bathroom was ridiculous behavior. Locking the door and refusing to hold him to me was treacherous. Disgusting. "I'm...I'm a bit sick, hon. I'll see you soon, mm?" I responded, my body shaking. My forehead was gruesome and sweaty, dripping of dirt and oil. There was one thing to see him like I did every other time, but this time, this time I felt pitiful. Gross.

"Ahahhah," he cackled, his voice harsh and throaty. A roar. "Cryssy, come outta there." Another loud bang against the door. Shit. He'll break it soon; he was strong whenever he was here like this. Strangely strong, like he's always kept it to himself. Grimacing to my own reflection, I touched my face, gasping to myself as he threw himself against the door once again.

"I will. In a minute, though, darling." My eyes were sallow and lost. Hurt and confused. I loved him enough. Right? "Just give me a moment." Sighing loudly, I shut my eyes, imagining his hands upon my face, his genuine smile only for me. "Only a moment."

"Are you mad at me or something?" He joked, chuckling through his words. The clink of a thick bottle echoed throughout the tiled room, and I knew what he had put down. "Cryssy, what the fuck, I didn't do anything."

"Honey, I know. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I love you. You know that."

"Then why the fuck are you in there? You're avoiding me!" He accused. His fist connected with the door, and then a growl left his mouth, because he and I both knew that he couldn't get through. Not yet.

"I'm not!" I cried. "I'm just..." There was no point in trying to hide - I already was found. Closing my eyes once again, I breathed in deeply before crossing the bathroom to touch the oak. "I could never try and avoid you."

His voice was soft, and I knew that he pressed his forehead against the door. He's done the same for so many times before. "Baby, I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I know I did -" I tried to stop his apology - there was no reason for one. Not yet, at least. "It's just...I love you. I really do. Can you...just, come out of there? Please?"

He seemed innocent enough. My hand wavered over the doorknob, my breath shaking, my eyes watering with tears before I even realized. I had to feel my arms around him, his own around me. He was so important to me. And I had news for him. When I saw his face, I knew my mind had played a trick. In that instant, when our eyes met, no, was what I wanted to shout.

"Crystal," he began, his drunken smile darkening my doorway out. Bloodshot eyes swam in front of me, lengthy arms wrapping themselves around my waist before the door was even open fully. His mouth found mine quickly, and I thought that maybe this time he'd be okay. "I love you so much," he whispered, a hand crawling my body to rest itself at the nape of my neck. It felt so good, so good to feel, to be lost in such a kiss. "I never want to lose you."

His words were amazingly smooth, silky to the sound. But as I flitted away from his mouth, I looked to his lips, the only taste lingering in my own mouth was of the Bud he just finished off. And through that, I could taste Jack. His best friend, Jack Daniel. Strange, how men could create such a close relationship as they did. "How much, tonight?" I asked gravely, my eyes full of worry.

"Well I love you so much," he laughed, holding me close, my head hitting the bathroom tile behind me. "So much," he roared happily, "that I'll kill so many superheroes - and we'll...we'll feast upon their insides." He kissed me with a sloppy tongue, keeping me in place. He sounded so free this time. And his thoughts, they made me giggle like they used to. "And...and we'll teach our kids the evilness that made us the way we are today." He pulled my hair heavily, causing a moan to leave my throat willingly. The power, ohh, the power he held over me - I always tingled at his touch. Even at times like this.

But tonight he seemed okay.

But his answer was not what I wanted, even as it sounded grand. And then there was the talk...about our future children. "Darling," I cooed softly, touching his cheek and kissing his neck gently, not letting him sway as I lead the way out of the bathroom and into the livingroom. "There's something I need to tell you." His goofy smile made me laugh, touching his lips as I looked up at him, his hair in his eyes. "It's...really big."

"How big?" He whispered silly, holding me a bit tighter as he made a twist onto the couch, pinning me down against the cushions.

"Life...changing, big. That's how big." He seemed excited. Like a child again. High school, even. "It's about...our kids."

"We don't have an -" his eyes went wide with drunken understanding, and then he laughed loudly, dipping his head low to blow raspberries onto my belly. "Cryssy! When did you find this out!" Another blow, causing me to twitch and shout beneath his strong hold. His brown hair tickled my skin as he lifted his head to look at me, giving me another drunken kiss. He was so innocent. So innocent tonight. I wish all nights were like this.

"I got the call from the doctor this morning after you left."

Quickly he stood up, taking my hand with him as he nearly ran to stumble beside the phone. "Well we gotta call everyone. Tell everyone about it. Cryssy," he turned to me, pressing his lips to me hard, lowering me into a dip. "Cryssy, we're gunna have beautiful kids. Extraordinary ones!" And then it was only a whisper. "Ones that will last." He fell to his knees in front of me, hugging my stomach tight, his cheek to my flesh.

"It wasn't your fault. It was my mistake."

He began to leave soft kisses all across my stomach, shaking his head. "It was me - it was all me." When he let his fingers slide down my belly, I couldn't help but choke on a sob.

"I was...in the way. Last time I was in the way," I whispered, stroking his hair. He could only vocalize a drunken moan, clutching me to him before standing and kissing my forehead. "I'll be more careful this time."

"I'll stop!" he shouted, turning away from me and running out of the room. "I'll stop drinking, that's what I'll do!" I could almost hear his smile as he went to the garage in a slump. "We'll be a happy family..."

If only it were true. For not even an hour later, not even a half hour later, after he shattered all the bottles of his best friend, his Buds, his Coors and Sam Adams, he was in an uproar. And I had locked myself in the bedroom. To hide without running away. "Cryssstal..." he slurred. Oh God, please. Please let this new baby be safe. "Where are you?" I heard the door to our bedroom open slowly, his face peeking through, his eyes half closed. He found the spare key. I had to be quiet - maybe he won't notice me upon the bed. Feet shuffling, he fumbled his way into the room, crashing hard onto the bed, face by my hip. He was sweet, again, breathing in slowly, his nose nearing my jeans, my scent. "I wonder how much Crystal knows how much I love her..." he murmured, long fingers slowly caressing the denim, carefully skilled in giving me chills as said fingers slid their way upon my thigh, my belt buckles, my thin shirt. Cold digits, he let them dance upon my pale flesh. "I wonder if Crystal knows how much I love her," he repeated, using the same hand to slide back down to my thigh, pulling himself close to me and grasping my leg to squeeze tightly, snuggling himself into me.

Placing my own hand into the shagginess that was his hair, I wondered my thoughts aloud, softly stroking his scalp. "I wonder if Lash knows how much Crystal wants to have his baby..." I heard him chuckle, and stretch himself to lie beside me, pressing his lips to mine. "How much..." I felt him move, and then realized he was on top of me, careful not to put any weight on my belly. "How much she wants to let him know that she's glad he stopped drinking..."

"One for last, baby." He muttered huskily against my mouth, letting his hands grip my arms. "I can't stand it, knowing that I've done those things to you," it made me want to cry. And hold him to me close, to let him see the pain he's put me through. The pain that I've caused him. "I love you too much to cause you pain." He was crying, now, salty, warm tears upon my cheeks. Each kiss made me squish him tighter to me, sobbing. "I want this baby. I really do. And I want you, Cryssy."

"Oh, Lash..." I could only say, looking deeply past his glassy, bloodshot eyes. "What are we going to do with you..." I almost chuckled, touching his face as I leaned up, his body still on me, but yet sitting upon my legs. He took this chance to kiss me. And then knock me back down into the pillows, moving his mouth to my neck, my collarbone. "No, Lash - no..." A struggle against someone like him was nearly impossible. "C'mon, Lash."

"I love you!" He cried happily, taking a long lick from my neck to below my eye, chuckling and blowing his best friend into my face as he exhaled.

I coughed, having enough. "Lash, stop it." That's when he changed. Somehow, my lucky self was disappearing, and Mean Lash was approaching.

"What the hell," he growled, hands on my hips and grinding me a bit hard into the bedspread, his lips capturing my own, biting hard to let blood seep through the flesh and into his mouth - which with eagerness, his tongue lapped up and swallowed. I was so woozy. I wanted him to back off now - the alcohol was taking control again. Jackie Daniel was in control.

"No!" I shouted, slapping him across the face, seeing the pain, the glare in his eyes from the biting smack of skin against skin. A handprint was slowly forming upon his cheek, and even though I felt bad, I had known this would have happened sooner or later. And that I'd have to fight for control. I wasn't going to lose a third chance at having a child.

You see, my first miscarriage, was when I was only 3 and a half months along. We got into a car accident, and lost it - my fault. I wasn't watching the road, and for only those two second away from the yellow lines on the ground, I was smiling at Lash, sitting in the passenger seat. He was telling me of a job he had completed, how we were going to have more money now that he had stolen half of the city's money from the main bank on Front Street. How we were going to have such a great life, enough money for the baby to come. Enough for diapers, food, and clothes. Just a smile. My fault.

And my second miscarriage, was when I was only a couple of weeks, as the doctor had told me. And I hadn't known, so as Lash had come home from a hard days smash with Jackie, we had a fist fight. Some strange sensation came over me after he had slammed me against the wall, and somehow I knew I had lost something. A tingly feeling, a sadness overcame me, as the baby died. When Lash realized what happened, what he had done only a moment later - when he came out of his fuzzy state, he fell to his knees. He cried as I had. He had said his sorries, as I had, only telling him of the feeling that came to me. Motherly instincts already kicking in, now thrashing and crashing about in my skull. I loved him. He was sorry. And I forgave him, for he loved me, too.

So you see, I'm not losing this chance. Not again.

I jumped off the bed, my eyes wide and scared. I was defenseless, to a point, really. When I saw him scatter towards me, that disgusting evil grin plastered upon his lips, I was terrified. "Lash," I whispered a hope, "please." I couldn't help but beg. I wish he wasn't like this. I wish he hadn't gone out and do a last goodbye to his best friend.

"Aw, Cryssy..." he drawled, stepping closer. I had backed up against the door, and his hands were gluing me to it, keeping me still. "What are you afraid of? Not me, I hope. Never me, Crys - I love you."

"Yes, well, you've got a poor way of showing it -" His mouth shut me up, his right arm swift to wrap around my waist, his left hand cupping my cheek and crawling into my hair. When his hips smacked me gently against the exit to the room, I lost all focus and my mind became fuzzy, closing my eyes to fall into it all. Lash was kind again. Gentle. Mean Lash was sort of...holding back. Watching.

"I'm gunna get rid of it. Gunna...lose it all." He breathed upon my face; his eyes still closed as our fingers intertwined. "I want a family, Crystal." Tears were falling from his own eyes onto my cheeks, warm but still cold to the tingling slide down my face. "I married you because I knew I would die without you - I knew I would do anything for you..." His fingers held my face where it was, keeping his hold on my eyes continuous. I shut them, though, listening to the thrashing heartbeats that were jammed in our chests. "I'm here today, because you love me, right?" I nodded, hearing him go on. His voice was so soothing now, even though I knew, for to a point, he was still fuzzy in the head, still drunk. "And I love you, so much, Crystal Livingston -" here was where I choked on a sob - "I'll do anything you ask of me. Anything at all. Just let me love you."

I felt with my fingertips his lips - strong, yet slightly chapped. "Lash," I shook my head, my eyes hazy and blurred from tears. With that, he held my face within his hands, searching the best he could with them. His touch was still soft, gentle, and I had breathed him in slowly, lowering my head, my hands to my sides.

Lash brought his palms to my belly, stroking tenderly. "Crys," he began.

But I interrupted him. "I love you. I really do." It was hard to speak when you felt like you couldn't breathe. "And...and I want a lot from you, but I don't want to be greedy. But things need to change - right now."

He nodded along with my hysteric response, breathless. "They will. They are - I swear to you."

"Then kiss me like you did - make me believe everything will be alright." I took in air before I let go. I spit. "And prove it!"

Lash stepped between my feet; his eyes now clear and yet still full of tears unwilling to fall. It took only moments before I felt his lips upon mine once again. Soft, delicate touches of our mouths, only feathering above one another. Lash's hand fell on my hip, pulling me into him, tight and snug in his chest as his other had grasped hair and knotted his fingers into it. Sliding my own fingers across his chest I let them fall into the side of his pants, holding him close as I felt warm tears slip down my neck from my eyes, and instantly, he had pressed lightly against me, shaking his head. "Anything," he warmed my flesh with, touching my shoulders, my neck, the skin beneath my earlobes. "I'll do anything for you."

As we pulled away, I saw it in his eyes. And with a smile, my tears stopped, his hand in mine.

-

Review if you like. It'd be nice.

I only wrote this because I dreamt it - and I wanted to get it out.

I just hope you realize that it all comes to pass.