Disclaimer: Lupin III is copyright Monkey Punch. Italics signify the past. Non-italics signify the present. See the notes at the end for a variety of comments and excuses.

Wrong Side of the Tracks

No sound betrayed thin silhouette creeping up the hillside. It paused now and then to listen or to check its position.

Twisting around a boulder, the dark shape pressed the hands and face of a small Buddha carved into the rock, and quickly stepped aside as a steep, rough stairway dropped into being under him. One last puff of smoke, and the cigarette was stubbed out. He descended.

A moment later, another figure followed, crunching the occasional twig underfoot and cursing under his breath.

The thief was asleep again on his jacket. Heavy round cuffs bound his ankles, and his wrists were cuffed to the bed rail, forcing him to curl on his side facing the room. He'd put up a fight in the beginning, but once he'd been caught, he'd come quietly.

It drove the inspector crazy.

What was he planning? It had to be something big. He was always so damn full of himself. Never broke a sweat! Now he was sleeping like a baby while Zenigata jumped at every passenger who walked by the train compartment. There were three other men in with them, and a young foreign woman, unlucky enough to be sleeping in the bunk above the criminal. Her eyes had widened when she saw the handcuffs on the bed rail, no doubt wondering what she had gotten herself into. Not that she had any reason to fear. She clearly wasn't carrying anything too valuable, and the thief wasn't violent.

But still the detective worried. This was against regulations. Transporting a criminal on a public train was strictly forbidden by every justice system he knew of, not to mention common sense. But his car had broken down, and Interpol couldn't send help in time. Not to mention that the locals had been singularly unhelpful. Zenigata ground his teeth. This was the thanks he got for single-handedly saving an emperor's treasure trove… He'd heard of the anti-Japanese sentiment in the country, but he had expected to be able to redeem at least himself by this, if not his whole country. Two hard-sleeper tickets had almost been too much to ask. But he wasn't about to wait over a week for Interpol. Or worse, hand the thief over to a Chinese jail.

The captive man shifted and grimaced. He'd picked up a couple of bruises on the way, but it was clear that his position and the handcuffs were the primary source of discomfort.

"Lupin! I've got you this time!"

"Try again, Old Man."

"Wha- Jigen! Where's Lupin!"

"Tahiti, by now. Lucky bastard."

"Damn! Then what are you doing here?"

"I'm sure as hell not getting that vacation I wanted."

"Crap, crap, crap!"

"Nice to see you, too."

"Got a light?" The low voice snapped the Interpol officer out of his reverie. The gunman's hat brim regarded him calmly from his slightly awkward position.

"You can't smoke in here!"

"Then you might want to let me off for a minute at the next station."

"You're not going anywhere!"

Zenigata found himself practically pinned to the wall by one smoldering eye.

"You've got your keys and my gun within my reach. You can either get out with me, and I'll come back, or I'll go on my own and you might wake up at the end of the line when they come to kick you out."

The inspector reddened and clenched his teeth. "Rrg… Fine! Five minutes at the next station!"

Jigen smiled. "Glad we agree."

"Who's in charge here? I've got an international criminal I need detained until transport from Interpol arrives."

"…No shi shenme?"

"Damn! Nihongo o shimasu ka? You speak English? Doitsche? Anything?"

"Ta hui Riyu ma? Tamade…"

"Hey Pops, we should blow this place."

"Shut up, no one asked you! See? Here's an officer or something, he'll understand."

"Criminal?"

"Yes! Prisoner! Criminal! He is! Do you have a holding cell I can borrow until-"

"Shi, shi. Laila. …Come."

"Ha, that's more like it. You've just gotta keep going up. You won't find the Chinese prisons so easy to break out of. They build them right."

"…"

"Heh, that's right. They build them to hold rebels and spies, and-"

"…And Japanese, genius."

"…What? Hey, let me out! HE's the criminal!"

"You are Japanese. All criminals."

"No! I'm an officer of Interpol, goddammit! See my badge? Let me out of here!"

"Zhuzui!"

BANG

"Welcome to China, Pops."

"Shut up!"

Zenigata set his jaw and stamped his numb feet on the concrete of the platform. "Damn China, damn winter, damn Jigen, damn Lupin, damn train…" He kept up his muttered tirade, watching Jigen calmly blow out his smoke. "Why the hell is he so smug? Why's he even still here? With his record, he could be long gone. What's he up to? Crap!" The inspector shouted this last bit as his foot found a slimy, cold, squashed pickle.

"Crap, crap, crap…" Zenigata pulled out a cigarette of his own, to calm his nerves. It was damn cold. He was hungry. He wanted some coffee. Jigen was making him nervous. And now there was crap on his shoe…

Zenigata looked up from the misery of his shoe to find… no one familiar. He looked around wildly. Jigen was nowhere to be seen.

"Rrg… DAMN YOU!!!!" Zenigata roared to the world, fists clenched. A number of people around him jumped and stopped to stare at him. The train whistle blew.

"Crap, crap, CRAP!"

"You'd better get a move on before the train leaves."

"AAAAAAAHHH!"

Zenigata spun around wildly to see Jigen walk calmly and purposefully back onto the train. He could do nothing but sputter for a few seconds before the conductor tried to shut the door in his face. He flashed his ticket angrily, grabbed his hat to his head, and pushed his way back through four cars to his. He spotted Jigen at the other end of the first car, sliding smoothly through the crowd, but the inspector found himself tripping over other people's feet, pushing at people who stopped to talk to each other, and having to duck almost into someone's lap to avoid the snack cart. He looked longingly at the bucket-sized instant ramen cups before jumping back into the fray.

"Let me out! Release me immediately! The embassy will hear about this! You'll be sorry!"

"Would you settle down, old man?

"No, I will NOT settle down! The U.N. won't stand for an Interpol officer being thrown in a cell with a common thief! Just because you don't care about getting out-"

"Who said I don't care? I don't plan to spend the rest of my life in here."

"Then why the hell are you still here? I know you, you could get out any time you want!"

"It's broad daylight outside. What good's escaping if they just throw you right back in?"

"Jigen! What are you trying to pull? You're my prisoner; you don't leave my sight!" Zenigata huffed and heaved, grabbing the doorway as he stepped back into their compartment. Jigen turned to him.

"I was hungry. Figured you might be, too."

The gunman sat down unconcernedly on the recently vacated bottom bunk. On the table by the window was a styrofoam box of hot dumplings smelling of bread and meat, two cups of a dark steaming liquid – could it be coffee? And… the detective's mouth began to water. A big bucket of instant ramen, hot steam seeping out from under edges of the paper lid.

Zenigata could do nothing but stare at the food for a moment. Jigen shrugged, cracked his chopsticks apart, and grabbed a dumpling.

"This stuff's not bad," the thief commented, taking a bite and sucking in air to cool his tongue.

"You- What- I-" Zenigata staggered over to sit down opposite Jigen. "How'd you get all that?"

"It's a thing called money. You should try it some time."

"But- Where'd you get the water for the noodles?"

"They always keep hot water on the trains. At the end of every car. I thought you knew."

"But…"

"Those noodles'll be ready in a minute. You'd better drink the coffee fast, though. It's crap, but it's hard enough finding any coffee in this damn hole."

Zenigata stared at Jigen for another moment before gingerly picking up the little cup of coffee and taking a cautious sip.

"Tastes like mud."

"Just about."

Zenigata drank his coffee in two gulps, and went to open his noodles. He stirred the hot soup and began to eat, feeling more awkward by the second. Jigen seemed to share none of this feeling as he mowed his way through his dumplings. The two ate in silence for a while.

"I'm taking a nap. We've still got about ten hours. Get up there so I can cuff you."

"Afraid I'll make a run for it?"

"You're a crook! Of course you will!"

"I haven't so far." The gunman tossed his trash into the shiny metal trash can under the table. He swung up into his bed, the ankle cuffs jangling as he went. "But if it makes you happy, go for it."

Zenigata's mouth opened for a retort, then snapped shut again. He ground his teeth in impotent rage as he secured the thinner man to the bed rail again. He slurped up the last of the salty ramen broth before clambering up to his own bunk.

"Don't try anything," he muttered, turning to face the wall and curling in on himself a bit.

"Wouldn't think of it."

"Hurry up, Old Man. You want them to catch you?"

"S-slow down! I c- I can't… run… that fast!"

"Dammit! All these years chasing Lupin, and now you try to tell me you're out of shape!?"

"I had… a car! Usually!"

"This way."

"What? Why?"

"Because this is the way we're going! You wanna run into a pack of them and ask directions? Go ahead."

"No! No no no! Wait for me! Wait-"

"In here!"

"Gah-!"

"Quiet."

"Why… are we stopping… here?"

"So we can throw them off and figure out where we are when it's light, before we get really lost. This isn't the place to wander around without a place to go. We need to get out of here."

"The second we do, I'm hauling you off to jail!"

"I'm sure you will. Se shouldn't be far from a train station, we'll just have to get there and catch the first train to Shanghai, then grab a plane to Osaka. And I'll do the talking."

"You…!? No way! I can't trust you!"

"No? Cause you did a great job of things back at the jail. I'm sure they were impressed. I know I was."

"Shut up!"

"Same to you."

Zenigata turned over a few hours later and something poked him in the back. He grunted and pulled Jigen's gun out from under him, then fished the handcuff keys out of the blanket. He stared at them for a moment before looking over at Jigen. The thief was stretched out on his bed, chewing on what might have been gum, by the smell of it. The handcuffs and ankle cuffs were handing on the rail in a row.

"What are you doing out of your cuffs?" the inspector barked. Jigen stared levelly at him.

"You left the keys in easy reach, with your back turned. And my gun, too. You could be dead right now. Does Interpol approve of trusting one of the world's most wanted criminals so much?"

"I… I never-! I don't-"

"You really thought I'd sneak out while you were sleeping, didn't you."

"I'm an officer of the law! I wouldn't-"

"Don't pretend you believe that!" Jigen's one visible eye glinted sharply. "You can keep up with any plan, take anything Lupin throws at you! Drop the idiot act, Pops."

"I-!" Zenigata's mouth snapped shut. The two glared at each other.

"What do you want from me, Jigen?" Zenigata asked once he'd composed himself a bit. "I'm not the only one acting unusual. You could've left any time. What are you planning?"

"Okay, my answer for yours," Jigen said with a grin. "First, I'm not gonna leave you to get in trouble in this pit of a country. You're not that bad."

"Hnh." Zenigata reddened a bit. "And?" Jigen laughed.

"And your international status makes a good safety net if we land in real trouble. I'd rather be your prisoner than stuck in a Maoist torture chamber any day."

"Hmph, it's about time you showed some appreciation."

"Oh, that's all you want?" Jigen grinned fiendishly. "Then I know you'd rather hear this from Lupin, but you're a good travel buddy, pretty considerate considering I'm supposedly your second-worst enemy, and I like you too much to just leave you." His smile grew as Zenigata's whole head turned brighter and brighter red. "Besides, you're not bad-looking, either."

"Jigen!" Zenigata blurted out indignantly.

"Guess I've been hanging around Lupin too much," Jigen remarked smugly. "Or Goemon not enough. But I'm not lying. Lupin'd say the same. Probably more. You should try catching him in a communist country next time."

"That looks like a train station!"

"About time. And you'll wait over there while I get us tickets."

"No! I'm not going to let you-"

"-What, get the right tickets? What was that you said last time we stopped, to that farmer? 'NEE HOW! TRAIN. Um, FAST, er, SHANG-HAI. WHERE?' Very smooth. You had your chance. Stay here. You can listen if you want, or I'll knock you out and leave you in an alley to have your pockets picked while I get the tickets. I don't care."

"Rrg… Fine! Try, see how far you get! You think it's so easy?"

"No, I just think I can do better. Now be quiet so I can try."

"Ni hao!"

"Ni hao. Nega… Ar putong piao. Kuai che, qing. Shanghai?"

"Dui. Lajui piao ma?"

"Mm, bu. Dan cheng piao."

"Dui, dui. Ar kuai che putong piao, dan cheng."

"Mm."

"…San bai liu."

"San bai liu ma!? Tai gui le!"

"Bu shi. Duo shao san bai liu."

"Hn. Dui. Three-hundred sixty, Pops. She won't go down any."

"Damn, that's steep!"

"I guess. Got a couple hundred? I'm not buying your ticket."

"Uh? Oh. Yeah."

"Thanks. Nega…"

"Ah, xie xie. Nega… ni men Riben ren ma?"

"Bu shi. Nah Han ren."

"Mm, hao, hao! Dui bu che"

"Megua she."

"…I never knew you spoke Chinese fluently."

"I don't. Did you see her laughing at me? Damn women…"

"But you got the tickets…"

"So that's my story," said Jigen once Zenigata had gotten over his flustered sputterings. "What about you?"

"I… well… you've treated me better than you strictly had to," the inspector said gruffly, avoiding Jigen's gaze. "I'm not ungrateful."

"Yeah?"

"And… well… rrg! You're a criminal, but you're not such a bad guy. None of you are. You use deadly weapons, but you don't hurt people unnecessarily. I… respect that."

"Really?" Jigen's tone had become a little less mocking. Zenigata grunted and nodded. "Hey, we feel the same about you. You fight fair. Hell, you're practically one of us."

"I am?"

"Sure."

"Huh. Wish I got the benefits that go with it. You can do whatever you want. I have to follow the rules and report to my boss."

"Well if you ever get sick of being a cop, you always know how to find us."

Zenigata's eyes widened. His mouth moved. Jigen watched calmly but intently. Then the detective blinked and quickly shook his head.

"What are you suggesting? I'll always be a cop, and I won't rest until every one of you is behind bars!"

"But here you are letting me out."

"I-! My first priority is to capture Lupin."

"But you're setting me free."

"I'm not-!"

"You were doing so well being honest, Pops. What happened?"

"…It's my job to catch you. I can't just let you go."

"…But if I escape on my own, it's not such a big deal. It happens all the time, so it's okay. Right?"

Zenigata hesitated, then nodded once, glaring at the door. Jigen grinned.

"You're all right, Old Man. But I'd rather we both get out of China without a hitch. Once we're in Japan, I'll take that offer."

"No."

"No?"

"No. Once we're in Japan, I'll be held completely accountable again. It'll be my duty to arrest you and turn you over to Interpol, and they'll be watching again. It has to be now."

"Hmm… I'll think about it."

"You'd better think fast, we arrive in three hours."

"Y'know, I think I've got a better idea…"

"Gimme those! Let's see… Car 14, compartment 5/6."

"Right here."

"Good! I'm sure these people will move to the upper bunks for the sake of law enforcement."

"Don't bet on it. They paid more for the bottom ones."

"What! Rrr…"

"Relax, Pops. Middle's not so bad. Want a boost?"

"No! Now get up there so I can cuff you in!"

"If you want, but-"

"Shut up! I'll take none of your lip."

"Fine, make a scene, then."

"I wouldn't have to if you'd cooperate!"

"Oh, so you don't think they'll notice the handcuffs? This is a public train, Old Man. How'll that look?"

"Then you'd better not flash them around!"

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm gonna catch up on my beauty sleep. You should probably do the same."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean running around shouting in Japanese isn't gonna make you any friends."

"Are you saying-!?"

"I'm saying I'm tired, and it looks like you are too. G'night Pops."

"Hmph… Why couldn't you have just gone with Lupin?"

"He's too busy with Fujiko. Makes me sick."

"What's he see in her, anyway?"

"A couple things too big to miss, is my guess. Dumb bastard."

"But she-"

"He wants what he can't have. That's what he sees in her. We both know he could do better, but we both know he's not interested. Go to sleep."

"Hm…"

Inspector Zenigata finished signing the prisoner over to the Interpol office; Japan branch. He saluted the group and gave a small nod. His colleagues returned the salute, and the man in the black fedora tipped his head up slightly so that one eye was briefly visible. Their eyes met for a split second, then the detective turned smartly and marched out. He waited until he was on his way to a ramen shop before allowing a small grin to flit across his face.

Two days later, Daisuke Jigen was transferred to a maximum-security prison. It was highly publicized.

Three days after that, his escape was all over the news. Zenigata's public statement was that he would be on the trail of Lupin's gang more tenaciously than ever. The paperwork for his raise had just been signed. Privately, he made a few very snide remarks about his colleagues' ineptitude, much like those of which he was generally on the receiving end.

Jigen met up with Lupin and the others four days later in Tahiti. Lupin was glad to see him. Fujiko was slightly put off. Goemon was highly annoyed at his surroundings, and said little as usual.

"Took you long enough!" Lupin called as the gunman stepped inside, cursing the mosquitoes and the humidity. "What, did you wait till they left the door open for you?"

"It's the best jail in Japan, and then I had to cross the ocean. I doubt you could be any faster. Oh, Pops sends his love, by the way."

"Yeah? How's the old man doing? Pissed off, I bet!"

"Actually, I think he's in a pretty good mood right now... He got out of China and got to turn me over to Interpol before I got out. I'd say he got a pretty good deal out of it."

"So did you actually get anything, or were you just wasting time?" Fujiko flicked her hair off Lupin's shoulder in boredom.

"I got plenty more than you would've." Jigen ashed his cigarette on the table in annoyance. "A full map of the Ming tomb valley, with all the entrances no one knows about."

"That's great! It'll be the biggest haul ever! Lemme see, where is it?"

"I'm giving it to Goemon. Don't let her get her grubby hands on it, pal."

"I will keep it safe, be assured."

"What!?"

"Settle down, you know I don't trust you."

"Hey, how'd you get this past the Old Man, anyway? His eyes getting bad in his old age?"

"I took it back from him before I left Japan. He didn't mind."

"What d'you mean he didn't mind!?"

"You sure this is the same Pops who's obsessed with catching us?"

"You've just gotta make it worth it to him. If you've been watching the news, you'll know he just got a raise and he finally caught one of us. Not his fault if I didn't feel like sticking around after that."

"I never would've figured Pops to just let you go like that…"

"What's he gonna do if we're all in jail for the rest of our lives? Be bored out of his mind, that's what. He's thinking ahead. Besides, you're the one he really wants. He gets a hold of you, he might not let you go so easy."

"Heh, of course. I'm the best."

"Sure, that too."

"And you're sure-"

"For the last time, Pops, I'm sure it'll work out, I'm sure I'll be fine, I'm sure it won't be your fault when I break out. Just keep your mouth shut."

"I don't know. It feels wrong."

"Cause you spend so much time thinking about how to catch us, and here you've got me and it's not what you expected."

"That's not- well, I guess."

"…And you'd rather it was Lupin."

"Of course."

"And I might make a good consolation prize to Interpol, but not to you."

"Well, I-"

"It's fine. I've known for a while. I can sympathize."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you've gotta move on. Fujiko's more his type. Sad but true, Pops."

"Wh- I'm not- I never-!"

"Take it easy, Old Man. You'd better haul me over to the station before one of them comes over here."

"I- I'm going."

"Nice dealing with you, by the way."

"Shut up. Don't mention this again. Ever."

"Gimme a call next time."

"Quiet!"

"Sure."

Notes: I haven't actually watched any Lupin III for quite some time now… The inspiration just came to me when I saw a guy on a train (while traveling across China) handcuffed to his bed. So I'm not sure I got the characterizations right.

Please review! I'd love it! I'll try to return the favor! Thanks!