There was a pounding on Lukas's door. He was sitting on his couch, sipping on coffee despite it being three in the morning. He had tried to sleep, but it was useless. And eerie feeling had sunk in his stomach, and he had given up trying to fight it, and had decided to just wait it out. He looked towards his door, slightly appalled that someone would come to his house this late at night and disturb what would be him sleeping normally. But suddenly the aching feeling in his gut made sense, and he was terrified of what he would meet on the other side of the door.
He stood up from the couch and set his coffee cup on the table beside it, wrapping the blanket on his shoulders tighter around him, trying to relieve himself of the cold chill that knocking had brought with it. His first fear was that someone was dying. Tino was frantically trying to get a hold of him because Emil had tripped and fell down the stairs because he had his nose buried in his stupid phone. Another fear of his was that it was Emil himself, in tears because he had ran away from Tino's place again, which had been another reason why Lukas had taken to sitting up on the couch late at night, in fear that Emil would come to his door and have no way in.
But neither of those felt right, and Lukas knew that he wasn't going to be able to guess what was on the other side. So as he opened the door, he drew in his breath, preparing himself to expect the unexpected.
And it truly was the unexpected.
On the other side of the door stood Mathias. Lukas's immediately recognized the smell of alcohol radiating from Mathias's mouth, but that made no sense. Mathias hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since they had met, because he knew how much Lukas despised drinking. It was a dirty addiction that made everyone act stupider that they already were, and only caused problems.
It had been hard breaking Mathias. He had grown up celebrating every small accomplishment of his life with drink. It had become a staple of his life, and it caused him more problems that always outweighed the sport of it. But he had tried for Lukas. He tried so hard, and he had done an amazing job.
But now, Lukas could see that none of that matter. Mathias was standing in front of him, drunk off his ass, and eyes red from it, and he was crying. Of course he was crying.
Lukas snarled. He didn't want to see Mathias like this, but before he could speak up, Mathias did, his words slurred, and the emotion in them a mix of a happy drunk and a crying man.
"Lukas!" He greeted, trying to wipe his eyes. "Lukas Lukas I broke!" He cried, laughing like this was all some sort of joke. Lukas scrunched his face.
"Obvious enough." He said flatly, ready to end this conversation. He no longer wanted to be acquainted with this Mathias. He was ready to move himself back to the couch, and forget about the whole ordeal. He disliked this Mathias.
But Mathias wasn't ready to move on. He wasn't ready to be forgotten. He shook his head, being able to sense that Lukas was already done with this conversation, but his drunken minded fought on.
"I broke Lukas, I broke my sobriety." He now more cried than anything else. Perhaps he wasn't as drunk as Lukas though, though he did smell an awful lot of alcohol on him. For a moment, a pang of sympathy vibrated through him for Mathias, because perhaps it had not been of his doing. Mathias had that sense about him. That he was innocent at everything, but Lukas knew better. Mathias was a lot of things, but he was not innocent, especially not in this case. His scowl returned, and he was prepared to guilt Mathias, despite it being obvious that he felt guilty. But it was not enough. Lukas needed him to know how wrong this was, after all the hard work they had put into him.
"You-" Lukas started, but he was stopped when Mathias began to vomit, right on Lukas's feet. Lukas let out a scream of disgust, wishing to push him away but being unable to. Mathias began to cry more, and despite Lukas's screams of anger and repulse, Mathias never moved, when he was done, he looked into Lukas's fired blue eyes, while Lukas stared into Mathias's hazed ones. When Mathias was done, Lukas was finally able to push Mathias away.
"You disgusting-" But Lukas was cut off again by Mathias's wails of apologies.
"Lukas!" He cried, wiping his mouth. "I am so sorry!" Lukas please!" He cried, but Lukas had had enough. He furiously stepped out of the vomit and glared at Mathias with a rage in his eyes.
"You dirty drunken bastard!" He yelled, looking down at his feet, trying to figure out how to take them off without touch them and without trekking vomit through his house. He would have to clean it off with the house in the side yard.
Mathias had withdrawn at Lukas's words, trying to find his own to try and explain this mess, to try and make Lukas look at him, because this was all a mistake! This wasn't supposed to be happened, but his altered mind couldn't find the words, and all he could do is passively walk after Lukas as he made his way to the hose, an obvious look of disgust in his face with each step.
When Lukas got to his house, he unwound it and turned the water on, glaring at his feet as the freezing water washed away the party digested bits of what must have been what Mathias had washed down with the alcohol on his breath. He began to spew out all sorts of swears and insults at Mathias, who swayed slightly, feeling light headed. When his socks were cleaned, Lukas pulled them off and threw them as far away as he could, wanting to get rid of the memory as soon as possible. He would have to retrieve them in the morning, but for now he wanted them gone.
Now in bare, frozen feet, Lukas took a good look at Mathias. His glared hadn't softened. "Now, if you can comprehend simple thought for a moment, give me a fucking reason why I am standing in the night, with frozen, vomited on feet, staring at a man who had been sober for months, now drunk off his ass that he can barely stand still." Lukas didn't really want an explanation, at least not one he expected Mathias to give, because it would all be excuses.
I just needed one.
I was offered it and I couldn't refuse.
"I thought about you."
Lukas's jaw dropped slightly, taken aback by the seriousness in Mathias's tone. All the slurs were gone, but even then to hear Mathias so serious was strange. He was usually full of energy, and made sense only half the time, but in this moment, Mathias was being real, and it honestly frightened Lukas for a moment.
But it only lasted a moment, because Mathias began to chuckle manically, as if there was some morbid joke Lukas was missing, and maybe there was. Perhaps this was all some sort of twisted punishment Mathias had put on himself. Maybe this was Mathias's breaking point, and he had gone over the edge of sanity. Lukas had a look of confusion for a moment, before wondering if maybe he was that final push. Had his harsh personality cause him to go overboard? Lukas knew he could be brash and brutally honest at times. Suddenly fear crept into his chest.
Was he the reason Mathias had broken?
Lukas opened his mouth, ready to spew out questions and apologies, he didn't this burden, and he really wish Mathias hadn't told him. He didn't want to think that he was the reason Mathias drank. He wanted to be the reason he DIDN'T drink! But before Lukas could blubber out something, Mathias held up a hand to speak, his giggling fit over, and there were tears in his eyes again. Sober, hurting tears.
"It's silly really." He started, putting a hand on Lukas's shoulder, who flinched slightly, still repulsed by Mathias, though he wasn't as willing to admit that at this point. He began to laugh again, but this time it was like Mathias was laughing at a joke he had made.
"I just started to think about you, you know?" He was starting to lose his train of thought, and his eyes were growing heavy, but Lukas jolted him back awake. Lukas needed an explanation, if for no other reason, to clear his own conscious.
"And…And I started to think about you." He was starting to repeat himself, and Lukas could realize that the alcohol was starting to settle on him. But Lukas needed to know. Why Was Mathias here? Why had he broken is sobriety?
"I get that. What were you thinking about?" Lukas asked in an annoyed tone, trying to get the answer out, despite being unsure if he wanted to know the truth.
Mathias looked at him and gave him a broken smile. "I just started thinking about you, and how you're my best friend." He said kind of giddily, but it faltered, and fell as he continued. "And how you're my best friend. And you're going to leave me." He said, his voice cracking, tears filling his eyes again. Lukas didn't know how to respond, was this drunken madness? Why would Mathias think that Lukas would leave him? What had he done to make him think that?
"I'm not leaving you." Lukas murmured, not wanting to show how awful he felt. Lukas wasn't the kindness person. He could be mean unintentionally, sometimes, but he didn't think he had ever given Mathias reason to think that he was leaving him. He wished he could ask him to elaborate, but he wasn't sure what this man would say, or how he might tear Lukas apart with his words.
But Mathias didn't need to be prodded to go on. "Sure you will." He blubbered. "You'll leave me because I am everything you hate!" He was whining now, and in any other case, Lukas would find annoying, but Lukas didn't know what to think now. He opened his mouth to contradict it, but hesitated, not because it was true, but because he didn't know how to explain it wasn't.
Mathias took hold of the silence and laughed again, realizing that this must be upsetting to Lukas. He pulled off him, trying to stand himself up, but began to sway.
"I couldn't take that. You're my best friend Lukas!" Mathias cried, wiping his eyes. Lukas shuffled awkwardly, his feet freezing. He looked up at Mathias, his eyes red from crying and his face shining from the shimmer of alcohol still in his system. He was shaking slightly.
"I'm not leaving you, Mathias." Lukas tried to console him, but he was never good at this, and usually when Mathias got upset he would cheer himself up, but he could bring himself up from this low? Lukas bit his cheek. He needed to do something.
"You shouldn't drink over me." He started, which probably wasn't the best thing to say, considering the dark stain that flushed over Mathias. He looked around, trying to find the answer. He wasn't going to leave Mathias. If he had wanted to, he would have done it by now. Mathias was his best friend too. But one question loomed over his head.
"Why would you drink over me?" He asked in a confused tone, shaking his head, because that just made no sense. Of course they were best friends, and of course Lukas could possibly leave, just like Mathias could leave him at any time as well. But why would just the mere thought of it push Mathias over the edge?
Mathias shook his head like it was obvious. "You're the only person in this world who cares about me." He said quietly, which of course wasn't true. His brother cared for him, and Lukas was sure that Emil looked up to him in some way or another, but Lukas would not contradict Mathias's feelings, because perhaps he truly did feel alone? Perhaps Mathias was far out of it more than Lukas had thought. Lukas wished he could bite his nails, to relive some of the tension he was feeling, but he didn't want to make Mathias think he was upset.
Mathias ran a hand through his hair, looing anywhere but at Lukas. He finally sighed.
"I'm sorry." He said, the slur returning to his words, but Lukas wondered if it was just because he no longer wanted to explain, and was ready to end this conversation. Lukas held his breath. He needed to relive Mathias of his pain. This was a moment he was supposed to ensure that he would never leave Mathias, and that he no longer needed to feel that fear.
But he didn't.
"I made coffee." He said, suddenly craving the warmth of it. "Let's sober you up." He said, walking towards his house, making sure Mathias followed him.
He couldn't tell Mathias that he would never leave.
That couldn't be the complete truth.
Maybe one day Lukas would leave Mathias. Maybe one day they will no longer be friends. Lukas couldn't reassure Mathias that it would never happen, because it was completely possible. That fear will always linger of Mathias, and there is no way of changing that. But what Lukas can do, is make sure that his time with Mathias is the best that it could possibly be. He walked back towards his house, stepping over the vomit still at his front door that he would have to clean up later. He looked back, making sure Mathias was inside, before going to the kitchen and getting him a cup of coffee.
The two friends both sat on the couch, sipping coffee at five in the morning. There was silence between the two, and Mathias was slowly going back to his old self. About an hour of silence later, Mathias spoke up.
"Thanks, Lukas." He said, smiling at the blond. Lukas looked over at him, cocking an eyebrow slightly.
"For what?" He asked. What had he done to deserve thanks? He couldn't console Mathias, nor could he remove his fears. He could only offer him what he had, and even that wasn't worth much. But Mathias still smiled at him.
"For being my friend." He said, the shine in his eyes returning. In another hour or so Mathias would be his old self. Granted a tired, and hungover self, but his old self all the same. Lukas nodded and looked towards the opposite wall, hiding the smile on his face from Mathias.
"I like being your friend." He said finally. Before looking over at him. "You make me happy." He said in a simple tine, but it meant the world to Mathias to hear him say that.
"You make me happy too." Mathias said finally, smiling gleefully. And Lukas wondered if that was all it took for Mathias.