:(

I wrote this a couple days ago. I felt compelled to add a little more to it just now. And…

I want to share it with you. Because I feel almost obligated.

Today, I was listening to the RENT OBCR in my room, holding back tears during many of the songs as I thought of RENT's legacy. And I thought back on everything: RENT, what it means to me, to everyone, Jonathan, the OBC, casts past and present, that one amazing evening when I finally saw RENT on Broadway and had the most wonderful experience of my life, the music, the story, the journey, and most of all the love.

So, RENTheads, I publish this here. I know it's technically not a fanfiction, and I hope you understand that is most certainly not spamming our fandom. I've seen other RENT reflection pieces, I myself wrote a long, cheer-me-up one back when the closing date was still in June.

So with that in mind, here are my thoughts on the show that changed the world.

This Sunday, RENT closes its doors and leaves the Nederlander Theater after a successful twelve and a half years in the same place, winning a Pulitzer Prize for Drama, garnering multiple Tonys and Drama Desk Awards, and touching the hearts of countless people.

I guess I feel like many other RENTheads: that it is a time for us not to mourn (even though I'm sad), but to remember. I had my catharsis – back when the closing was announced (when the date set was still June 1st), I sat in my room listening to the OBCR and just venting. Life was a daze as I tried fruitlessly to imagine a Nederlander, a Broadway, a New York, a WORLD without RENT.

It was then that I asked myself: is RENT really ending?

And here, I answer myself: No.

Could RENT really ever end?

Since I first fell in love with its music, its message, its characters, and the astounding sense of wonder one gets when witnessing anything related to it, I have noticed something amazing about the show.

It leaves an imprint on everyone who chooses to envelope it.

Sometimes it isn't clear exactly what type of imprint is left upon the one exposed to it, or the size or impact this imprint with have on the person; how it will affect their future.

For me, RENT opened my eyes a little wider.

It let me see things I'd never seen and before probably wouldn't have looked for, not knowing they even existed.

It taught me new things, reiterated things I already knew, and brought so much positive energy to the table that it seemed at first I would explode.

In my flurried obsession, I'll admit, it took a few serious listens for the true meaning of RENT to shine through, but once it did – it was no longer obsession.

It was life.

My friends joke that RENT is my religion and I certainly laugh along with them. Part of me tells myself that maybe it's true.

But I don't worship or idolize RENT.

I may not be one of those fans who listens to it everyday (even though I do listen to it a lot), but I do think about it constantly, making connections and forging new paths with what RENT has given me.

And since RENT has gifted us RENTheads with so much, I feel it's only appropriate that we pay homage to RENT in its closing time, as much as we did when it was still one of the hottest Broadway tickets of all time, as much as we did when the movie was released, or as much as we did that first time we got shivers down our spines at those first chords of Seasons of Love.

Whatever it is that touches you most about RENT, now more than ever, I feel it is important to hold it even dearer than you ever imagined.

Because Jonathan could not, the Nederlander kept RENT alive.

And now, because the Neder cannot, let us take the duty upon ourselves.

Let RENT live within us: in our actions, our thoughts, our words.

Because it's only fitting for us to do so, at least in my belief. I will never forget RENT, and it's my belief that it will stay with me, just as strong in the years to come.

I justify my beliefs using what I feel in regards to RENT.

Looking back, I realize with profound amazement that I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking of the night I saw RENT on Broadway.

And I remember distinctly, one of my RENThead friends, Vicki, telling me, "Just wait until you come down from the high."

And then, I thought it would happen. I began to feel real life set in, and hurried to grasp the strands of that feeling RENT gave me and hold them tight.

The melancholy undertone of it being "over" even now undermines that wonderful feeling, as much as I try to keep it from doing so.

I find myself waiting to completely recover, realizing that I don't want to.

Realizing that it actually probably won't happen.

Vicki and I didn't realize then that RENT's joy and emotion, some of which was transferred to each and every RENThead in some way, shape or form, has no limits. I bet that even now, any RENThead reading this can think back on at least something in the show or having to do with it that really spoke to them in such a way.

That's just the thing: I am, we are… still up there in the clouds. We're walking on air.

And we're staying there!

September 7th, you'd better back it up, jack. You are too damn close.

And at the same time, September 7th, bring it on! You won't take us down that easily!

Last night, I told my friend that I feel like I could listen to RENT over and over and over for the rest of my life and never get sick of what it makes me feel.

I was so caught up in what I was saying and thinking, and so damn proud of my RENT, my world, and my life… that of course I didn't care even a little bit as she scoffed at me.

Even now, I am stunned, and despite however much I say we should sit back and smile as RENT goes out with a resounding roar of applause and the lights on the Nederlander's RENT life go out, I feel tears come to my eyes when I think of what tomorrow brings.

I think it's a whirlwind feeling as RENT's closing time approaches quicker and quicker, definitely a lot more quickly than we like, as now we realize with sadness that it's truly happening, there will be a Broadway without RENT. We realize with a shudder, that somehow, life is going to go on without a line of devoted fans sleeping outside the Nederlander, vying for the chance to see the show that defined musical theater for a whole generation and rocked Broadway to the core.

It's almost strange to look back on the times when I felt RENT really stirred something within me for the first time, or something spoke to me in a voice I'd not heard before, because in some cases, those moments were so long ago. And yet the feelings and emotions that come forth from these times are so strong and potent that they could've happened yesterday.

So much about RENT is like that.

Perhaps that's why we all love it so much.

I suppose I could list a MILLION ways in which RENT has changed me.

Some of the reasons couldn't be described in words.

I can't spell them out even for myself to look at straight.

So I live them.

THANK YOU JONATHAN LARSON.

and VIVA LA VIE BOHEME.

- by: x Rajah x

9/2/08, revised 9/6/08

(giant group hug for RENTheads)

(sniffle, sniffle)

Reviews, thoughts?