Just a little bit of Steve-centricness as he stands over Bucky's 'grave'.
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It wasn't supposed to be this way.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Steve had never thought he'd get the chance to be much. He had all the drive and determination, but he couldn't back it up. Steve believed in himself, but no one else did: no one but James 'Bucky' Barnes. Resident ass, tough-guy, and all-around ladies man. At least, that was what he portrayed, but Steve knew better.
Steve still remembered the plucky kid from Brooklyn who'd put his own neck out to rescue Steve from bullies. They were all orphans, they were numerous on those streets, but Bucky had given a damn and helped him anyway. A little runt like Steve had been. And as much as he had admittedly been jealous from time to time, maybe even resented Bucky a little, truth was-he loved the guy like a brother. In fact, Bucky was his brother, in everything but blood. It was Bucky who'd offered him a hand up everytime he got knocked down. Bucky who took care of him at those times, or when he got sick. Bucky who'd give up his share of food to make sure scrawny little Steve had enough. Bucky who'd pushed him and encouraged him when anyone else would have laughed in his face. He'd been the older brother Steve had never had, someone to idolize and then respect. They were supposed to make something of themselves and then grow old together.
And now he was gone, because the one time, the one damned time, he had needed Steve: he had failed.
Steve took another long drag from the bottle of whiskey in his hand as he stood over the make-shift grave he'd made for Bucky. A little ways away from base, just a pile of stones and a helmet Bucky had worn a couple of times in training. It was the best that he could do, since Bucky's body was lying abandoned in a frozen wasteland. The whiskey didn't even bite really, going down his throat. It was more symbolic than anything else. Bucky would have liked it.
The whole situation was ironic, in the most painful way. Steve had longed for the chance to be Bucky's equal, his partner, and then he'd been admittedly pleased to have surpassed him. He'd thought that he could be the one doing the protecting for a change, that Bucky could look up to him for a bit, stop feeling like he had to take care of Steve so much. And now, as Captain America, with all that he could do-so much more than any man could do-he couldn't do that one little thing. He couldn't protect his best friend.
"I'm sorry, James." Steve, in his clothes, not Captain America's attire, whispered as knelt down beside the stony little grave, his form dimly lit with the nearly-set sun. He was the only one who could get away with calling Bucky 'James', a name that Bucky had declared to be for a 'stiff' and not a 'classy guy' like himself. As if 'Bucky' was any kind of classy.
Steve smiled bitterly as memories passed through his mind in a flash. The buck-toothed kid [hence his nickname] who grinned down at him as he held out a hand to help Steve up the first time he'd saved him. Bucky as he instructed Steve on how to light his own fire in the alley of a chilly, Brooklyn street. Bucky as he broke his bread and gave Steve the bigger half. Bucky as he shouted encouragement at Steve as they raced together. Bucky and his no-longer buck-toothed grin as they sat together under the stars and talked about their dream futures. Wild, idealistic things involving pretty blondes and brunettes, and fast red cars, and mansions right next door to each other. Bucky declaring that he wouldn't follow Captain America, but that he'd follow the kid from Brooklyn who wouldn't run from a fight. Bucky as his eyes met Steve's in relief, and then grim resignation as he was ripped from the plane and lost.
Steve couldn't have really blamed Bucky if he'd chosen to get angry or deny Steve after his transformation. Bucky was the older brother in their relationship, he was the protector, the defender, the champion. Steve wasn't supposed to be in the limelight. And maybe Bucky had been a little bitter too, the way Steve had been but...he hadn't let it get in the way. He'd agreed to follow Steve, to have his back no matter what. Even now. Even like this.
"You know what my first thought was when I got out of that machine? 'Just wait till Buck sees me'. You stupid jerk. Who said you could go and...go? Don't think me being bigger means I don't need you anymore..." Steve's voice suddenly lifted in a shout. "You hear me? We're supposed to watch out for each other! You can't go!" Frustration warred with sorrow inside of him as he lowered his head and whispered brokenly. "We're brothers, idiot. And I never even...I didn't get to thank you, Buck...for everything..."
Steve didn't realize he was crying until he saw a few tears trickle from his face to a few of the rocks beneath him. Good. At least that was one thing being superhuman didn't change, because if he couldn't cry anymore, he might damned well burst.
"I wouldn't have made it without you. You know that right?" he mumbled before he lifted his head to the sky with a heavy sigh. "Maybe you're in Heaven now. I don't know if I believe in Heaven, but I hope you're there. Surrounded by beautiful blondes, and brunettes, and driving some ungodly red race-car...if you get a mansion though, don't forget to save one for me, alright? Next door. Nothin' girly, alright?"
Steve stared down in silence a moment. The stars were now visible above him and far off, the faintest trickle of sunlight. "Bye, Buck. I'll be seeing you." Maybe not soon, or maybe too soon, but that was a promise.
And as Steve patted the helmet and rose, stopping to cast his gaze up to the sky once more-
He swore he saw a star brighten and fade in response.
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Mmm. I cried when Bucky died. This drew entirely on First Avenger-verse [Bucky/Steve were orphans in Brooklyn, met when Bucky saved Steve from bullies, grew up together, yada yada], as opposed to the comics. Steve never had a big emotional moment in the movie, so he must have shown his grief somehow, maybe off in private, in a spare moment. And that's what this is. With some brotherly emphasis thoroughly added in because I love that brotherly aspect. Enjoy! And cry along with me. ;-; Happy Halloween! Love, Witchy~