Things I'll Never Say
a/n: I don't own Sailor Moon. You're all shocked, I know. And, it's good to be back :) Enjoy!
There he is. After all this time, you'd think I would just get used to seeing him. Yet, his presence still gives me goose bumps. I shudder to think what I must look like right now, entranced by him. He once saw me as a foolish little girl; what I would give for him to think of me differently.
I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I try to keep my cool, I know it shows
Oh no. He sees me. I want to talk to him so badly, but I am so prone to looking like an idiot. Maybe if I pretend not to see him, avoid him, he won't try to talk to me. I just need time. But I want to talk to him, so much so I can feel my heart churning with desire as he gets closer. Just think. Think Serena, think.
I'm starin' at my feet
My cheeks are turnin' red
I'm searchin' for the words inside my head
Moment of truth. He's so close. What to say, how to act? For once in my life, I don't want to be the obnoxious high school girl. I want to be a phenomenal woman. I know that our love is destined, but I just can't help to think that, under different circumstances, he would choose a woman with much more intelligence, grace, than I. I stand up straighter, arch my back, straighten my girlish clothes and hope for the best. This time, he will think of me differently.
And I'm feelin' nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cuz I know you're worth, you're worth this yeah
He's so close now. That gap sure did fill quickly. I close my eyes and silently pray that I seem different, pray that, even for a moment, I'm the kind of woman he would choose in spite of destiny.
"Hey Serena," he says with a slight boyish smile that takes my breath away. Oh goodness, stay strong. He doesn't need you melting at the sight of him. But the way he says my name…straighten up sister! No more girlish crushes.
"Oh, hey Darien. I didn't even see you there," I reply cooly. Lies, lies, lies. Hope it doesn't show.
"Really? I tried waving at you and it looked as though you were ignoring me."
Smooth Serena, real smooth. I try for a minute to calculate an answer, an excuse. The words never come out the way I want.
Darien is looking at my furrowed brow in confusion – I usually just spew whatever comes to mind, no matter how immature or dim-witted it is. But not today.
"Hey," he cups my face to look him in the eye. Oh, please Darien, don't do this. I need to be a woman, a woman that can resist you – but you're making this so difficult. "Do you have something on your mind?"
If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
Oh, if he only knew. It's like the only thing I want in life is to be with him and everything else doesn't matter. If it all fades away and it's just me and him standing here together, my life would be complete. There I go again, off in childish daydreams. Get your head together. This is the guy of your dreams! Make him want you as much as you want him.
"Nothing in particular. You know, just enjoying the lovely day," I smile and he seems to accept my answer. Whew.
"Well, it is a lovely day," he says, examining the trees as the breeze plays with his dark hair. "What do you say we grab lunch and a milkshake?"
That sounds like heaven. But not today.
"I think I'll have to pass, sorry. I've got a ton of studying to do. You know how that is," I reply with as much honesty as I can possibly muster. Me, studying. As if.
He is visibly shaken by my response, the evidence on his face.
"Wait, YOU are denying a milkshake?! Are you ok??" he is almost concerned, but playfully rests his hand on my forehead as if to take my temperature. I laugh to myself. This is becoming very fun.
"Darien!" I giggle as I remove his hand from my forehead, "I'm fine. I just have other things to do right now. I'm really sorry you just caught me at a bad time."
I don't recall there ever being a time when I have denied Darien anything, especially spending time with him, especially in the form of a milkshake. It pains me even now to reject time to spend with Darien, but there is a greater cause to be won.
He is still in a bit of shock, so we just stand there for a minute. Disbelief masks his gorgeous features and I laugh to myself. It feels good to be unpredictable.
After a long silence I sigh and begin backing away. If only I could have what I really wanted on the inside.
If I could see what I wanna see
I'd wanna see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishin' my life away
With these things I'll never say
"Well Darien, it was great to see you. We will definitely have to reschedule that date," I say, and slowly lean toward him and softly kiss him on the cheek. His face alone is enough to make this whole thing worth it. For just a moment, he wants to be with me and I have other things to do.
As I begin to walk the other direction I smile the smile of a conqueror: this wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. Sure I want to be with him, but it felt nice to be the one, for once, who held the cards. Besides, Darien wouldn't want to hear about my silly childish fantasies anyway. If I told him of how I dream of our wedding day, how I wish we could just hold on tight to each other and never let go, he would run the other direction. That's the thing about guys – they're all such commitment-phobes.
"Serena!" I hear Darien shout my name as he jogs, again filling the space between us. "What is going on with you today?"
This is a surprise. I must look like a moron with my mouth gaped open in genuine shock. I never in a million years could have imagined he would actually chase after me. He probably just can't fathom that I would actually deny him – what an ego!
"What do you mean 'what's wrong with me?' Nothing is wrong with me. Is it a crime to actually have some kind of responsibility?" I glare at him.
"For you, yes." He replies. My mouth drops just a little more. That was too far, and he knows it. "Serena, I'm sorry I'm just kidding. I just get the feeling you don't want to be around me today."
"So, that's what all of this about? Your ego getting bruised? Really, Darien?" Now I am really starting to get angry and it shows. I never knew what lack of self-respect I had before, or what lack of self-respect he thought I had.
He places his hands squarely on my shoulders and pulls me closer to him and proceeds to look me straight in the eye. "You know that's not the truth. Maybe you don't realize this, but I know you very well Serena. And I know there is something you're not telling me."
My stomach begins to tie in knots. Of course I'm not mad at him, how could I be? He is so good to me. He loves me despite my silly flaws. Then what is wrong with me? Why am I now finding it so hard to breathe, so hard to tell him what I'm really thinking? I feel like I've said it a thousand times, but I guess I have never really told him at all my dreams about us.
Why does he need to know, anyway? He must know that I genuinely care about him. But what if I tell him the truth and he turns tail and runs? No, he doesn't need to know. Not now, anyway.
"Darien, really. It's nothing. Just the daydreams of a little girl, that's all; nothing to worry your head about, honestly. You know if there was really something going on, I would tell you."
They don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
"Why can't you just tell me?" he actually seems legitimately concerned, "I don't want there to be anything you can't share with me."
Oh boy, he's done it now. I look at him nervously and see that he is telling the truth. I never realized how much I truly mean to him, but I see it now, written all over his face. Oh geez…why can't I just say it! He's obviously not backing down, not until he hears every last fluffy thought in my 16-year-old head.
If it ain't comin' out, we're not goin' anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?
"Darien, really…why do you need to know so badly?" I say to him, my voice pleading. If I tell him , it's all over.
He looks at me with that very serious look I know so well. Darien is a serious man – very logical and pragmatic. He is sensible and goal-oriented, things I couldn't be farther from. When he says something, he means it, which can be good and bad. But this very rational can read me like a book.
"Because you need to tell me."
My eyes shot to the ground: that was the truth. That is why I get so insane every time I see him. I have to tell him how I really feel. But how do I do that?
Cuz I'm feelin nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cuz I know you're worth it, you're worth it yeah
I look into his eyes so filled with care. He is so great. He deserves the best, but can I give that to him? Could I possibly be the one he would want to be with, forever? I know it is meant to be, but I just can't see myself as that woman exuding grace and elegance that he is meant to be with. But that woman, that is what he deserves – and I am just not her.
"I can't tell you."
If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I wanna blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
"Serena. Yes, you can. You should know, you can tell me anything."
If I could see what I wanna see
I'd wanna see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishin' my life away
On these things I'll never say
What does he expect from me? Can't he see I'm scared to death? I want him so bad, I want him to know what I feel. What would he do if I told him I wished we could just begin our lives together, right here, right now?
"No, Darien. I won't. I can't."
"Serena, why are you doing this!"
"Why do you care so much? Why can't you just let me be?"
What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
"Because I care about you. And I want to know."
I stutter
I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
He needs to know. I need to tell him. He isn't backing down. It's now or never. I close my eyes. Take a deep breath. And dive.
Cuz I'm feelin' nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cuz I know you're worth it, you're worth it
"Look, I'm not her: I'm not your princess. I'm clumsy; I say inappropriate things; I fall, a lot; I'm obnoxious and I can't help myself; I cry and I whine about everything; I hate school and work and have no problem saying it; I am not that girl of your dreams."
"Serena, I-" I put my finger to his lips to hush him.
"But, someday I will be. Until then, though, I need you to know something. I am absolutely, insanely, idiotically, entirely, completely crazy about you. I understand if you don't feel the same way right now, I don't expect you to. Just know that you are investing in a future queen, and I plan on spending everyday trying to live up to my royal potential," I say. It's finally out. "There it is. All of it. Now, proceed to turn and run if you so wish."
He is quiet for a moment, then smiles. "My turn now?"
I was astonished he was still here. Barely able to move, I somehow got out a simple nod.
"Ok, good. Now there's something I need you to know. I don't need a princess. I have dated enough girls with poise and refinement; it's, quite honestly, kinda boring. With you, it's always an adventure. I never know what you're going to say or what you're going to do next. You don't give yourself nearly enough credit. You are by far the most strong and passionate woman I've ever met in my life. You inspire me to love like you. You inspire me to love you. I don't want to invest my time just to end up with a royal robot, I want to invest in you Serena. Just as you are."
I can't believe what I'm hearing. I didn't know how to respond or what to do. I just did what came to mind. I leaped into his arms and kissed him passionately. We stood there for a moment when we broke away and he just held me tightly.
I never knew I could feel like this. This had to be the most amazing feeling in the world. This feeling even trumped a milkshake.
Yes I'm wishin' my life away
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say