Ojamajo Doremi Comedy Theater

by S.P.D. Gold Ranger

I was reading my Garfield books the other day, and I got to thinking: what if the Ojamajos were in such situations? Pure silliness abounds in this little collection, so read and review when you're done, but no flaming, okay?

1. Act I

Author's Note: This is just a cute little collection of short skits where Nick and Momoko (along with other Ojamajo Doremi characters) just do silly things. Enjoy! BTW, the characters may seem OOC here, but that's why it's a parody. And just for reference, Nick and Momoko are both 18 and they both live in their own house.

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Act I

"Ah, it's good to be back at the ol' diner!" Momoko exclaims.

"Hi, hon!" Irma the waitress exclaims, walking up to the two. "What can I get you?"

"For starters, a spatula," Momoko replies. "My hands are stuck to the counter."

"Some things never change," says Nick.

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"How about your ham, Irma-chan?" Momoko asked. "Is it fresh?"

Suddenly, a loud oink can be heard.

"Yes," Irma promptly replied.

"Check," Nick stated.

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"This coffee is great, Irma-chan!" Momoko exclaims, setting down her cup.

"Thanks, hon. I ground the beans myself," Irma replies, walking off. A series of 'clops' can be heard.

"Why is she wearing golf shoes?" Momoko wonders.

"I'd rather not know," Nick replies, pushing his cup away.

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The phone rings. Momoko picks it up, only to hear...

"I won't go out with you!"

Momoko quickly hangs up, confused. "I wonder who that was?"

Nick slaps his forehead. "Rejected by wrong numbers!"

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"I warned you about laziness, Nick. You can't just lie around all day. You gotta be alert," Momoko explains.

Nick can be seen stuck inside a jumbo-sized vacuum cleaner bag. "Just open the bag," Nick demands.

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Nick walks up to see Momoko with a look of intense pain on her face.

"Hmmm... what do we have here?" Nick wonders. "Let me guess... hot coffee in the lap?"

"The pain...!"

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"A little to the left... a little more... and a teeny bit back to the right..." Momoko directs.

A VERY sleepy Nick can be seen with his hand extended. A cup of coffee is a couple feet from Nick.

"Okay, now come straight ahead slowly..."

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"Poor Nick... he doesn't stand a chance against me," Momoko states, holding a few snowballs in her hand. "For I have the element of surprise. He'll never know what hit him..."

We pan up to the top of their house, where Nick can be seen leaning on a massive snowball.

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Nick can be seen building a snowman as his girlfriend walks up.

"Cute," Momoko states. "What do you call it?"

SPLAT!!

"A clever ruse," Nick replies. Momoko can be seen sprawled out on the snow with the snowman's head in her face.

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"I can't BELIEVE how terrible this dinner roll tastes!!" Momoko exclaims to nobody in particular as Nick walks up. Nick ignores Momoko's comment and eats said dinner roll.

"Nice try," Nick taunts.

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Nick, Doremi, and Onpu can be seen playing a card game.

"Okay, how many cards?" Onpu asks.

"Three," Nick replies.

"And the dealer takes one," Doremi responds, laying a card down.

"I'll bet two..." Onpu continues, laying two cards down.

Nick walks over to Momoko, who is sitting on the couch. Nick shows her his cards, waiting for a response.

"Call, and raise," Momoko advises. As Nick walks off, she states to the viewer, "I'll yell at him after he stops winning."

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Momoko walks up, looking like she's about to faint.

"One minute I'm freezing, the next I'm burning up. I think I'll go lay down," Momoko states, walking off.

"Fun with the thermostat," Nick explains.

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"You have to calm down, Nick. You're obsessed with getting older," Momoko explains to her boyfriend, only to have him pluck something off of her head and show it to her.

"A GRAY HAIR!!!"

"Welcome, sister. We've been expecting you," Nick states.

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"Here, a pride of lions prepare to gorge themselves," the television announcer narrates. "They roar in triumph over their prey... then we see them pass out linen napkins and finger bowls."

"SISSIES!!" Nick exclaims.

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"Ohayou, this is Momoko Asuka," Momoko talks into the phone, not noticing a nearby microphone. "I'd like to order a large pizza with everything, to be delivered. Thank you."

As Momoko walks away, Nick stands into view, holding the microphone and a tape recorder. "Now there's a little tape that's going to come in handy."

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"Stop me if you've heard this one," Nick states to his imaginary audience, only to be knocked off stage by a boot to the face.

"Let me rephrase that..."

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"I wonder what Nick does when I'm not looking..." Momoko wonders. "Let's find out."

Momoko walks up to the nearby couch, looks over it, and gasps. "I don't believe it!"

Nick and Doremi are playing cards. "Neither do I," Nick states. "Doremi-chan just drew to an inside straight."

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Nick is about to cut into his steak, when suddenly, it begins talking.

"Don't eat me! You're fat enough already!"

"Who the heck are you?" Nick shoots back.

"This is your conscience speaking."

"I don't have a conscience that I know of," Nick continues.

"I know. I'm free-lancing."

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"Hey, Nick, it says that people can perform superhuman feats of strength during great stress. What malarkey!" Momoko exclaims. "By the way, you've got a doctor's appointment today."

A television comes flying at Momoko.

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"You can't hide from me forever, Nick. I'm going to find you and take you to the doctor!" Momoko exclaims. "You may be sneaky, but I'm sneakier. 'Sneaky' is my middle name!"

Momoko's couch is moving. It turns out Nick is under the couch, moving it.

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"AHA!! There you are, Nick!" Momoko exclaims, looking under their bed. "Now you're going to the doctor!"

She reaches under the bed and grabs... a lock of ruby red hair.

"Sorry, Doremi-chan."

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"I wish I could find Nick's hiding spot so I can take him to the doctor," Momoko states, taking the laundry out of the dryer and loading it into a basket. "He's sure hiding in a good place."

After Momoko walks away, Nick comes out of the dryer, his hair all frizzy.

"A good place... not a smart place... but a good place..."

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Momoko can be seen sleeping peacefully. Suddenly, she opens her eyes.

"Don't you dare."

Nick is sitting on Momoko's lap, a trumpet in his hands. "I don't know what you're talking about."

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"Nick, I know you hate Mondays, but everything that could possibly happen to you has already happened," Momoko giggles. Just then, all the lights go out, leaving them in total darkness.

"Au contraire, power failure breath."

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"Well, Nick, as long as the power's off, we might as well go out. I have my bowling ball! Let's go bowling!"

"Get your fingers out of my eyes and your thumb out of my mouth, and I'll consider it."

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Nick is holding a soda can in his hand, and begins to shake it wildly.

A few seconds later, Nick walks up to Momoko, handing her the soda he just shook. "Oh, thanks, Nick!"

Momoko opens the can, only to point it at Nick, who gets a face full of soda.

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"Hey, Nick?"

Momoko walks up to Nick, who is fast asleep.

"Hey, you want to go on a picnic?"

"Give the bugs and snakes my regrets. I ain't going."

Momoko smirks and lifts one side of their bed up, sending Nick sprawling to the floor.

"I'll get you for this, Monday!"

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We now focus on a dark city street in the dead of night. Nick stands by a lamp post, looking cool. "This looks like the perfect spot for a clandestine rendezvous."

Nick looks behind him, and sees his fellow agent, who looks like Doremi. "Ah, here comes my double agent now."

Doremi whispers to Nick, "Eeeawkey, 43, and the letter C..."

Nick whispers back, "An infant in your lap may dampen your spirits..."

Suddenly, three enemy agents appear who bear striking resemblances to Hazuki, Aiko, and Onpu.

"Oh, no! It's counter intelligence!" Nick exclaims, shifting into fighting stance.

"Down in front, Nick," Momoko states. Nick is actually standing in front of the TV, which is displaying a spy movie.

"Quiet, you fool! You could blow my cover!!"

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"I hate Mondays," Nick addresses the audience as he leans on a table leg. "And just why do I hate Mondays?"

Suddenly, the table leg broke and the table's contents came crashing down onto Nick.

"Because Mondays hate me."

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"So, Nick, how was your first airplane ride?" Momoko asks her boyfriend as they got off the plane to their vacation spot.

"Aside from the nausea, cramps, and indigestion, I'm fine," Nick replies. Apparently, he doesn't like flying on planes.

"Have a nice day," the stewardess states to the couple. Nick looks disgusted.

"Have a nice day?!"

Suddenly, Nick whips out his Shining Poron and turns on the stewardess. "Let her live, Nick! LET HER LIVE!!" Momoko exclaims, holding her boyfriend back.

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Momoko is sitting down at the dinner table, having a sandwich. Nick picks up a hamburger, a devilish grin on his face.

"There's no way I can eat all this food. It's time for a food fight!!"

Just then, from completely out of nowhere, a blueberry pie comes flying and smacks Nick in the face.

"You stay out of this, Monday!"

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Nick walks up to Momoko, holding a baton in one hand and what appears to be a gong. Nick slams the baton into the "gong", which makes a loud sound.

"I suppose YOU can fix better pancakes!!" Momoko exclaims.

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Momoko walks into the living room, only to see Nick with a lamp shade on his head.

"Um... Nick?"

"What broken lamp?"

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"Hey, Nick, you wanna go to the park?" Momoko asks.

"Um... I guess..."

"All right then, you know the rules. No flower stomping, and..."

"Yeah, yeah. No swan maiming."

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Momoko walks out in the snowy landscapes, a content smile on her face.

"Ah, winter... the snowflakes gently falling... the hills blanketed in white..."

She stops upon seeing Nick, whose face is stuck in the nearby statue by a pool of ice.

"My boyfriend's face frozen in the birdbath..."

"Just get the ice pick."

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Nick is standing by Momoko's bed. Momoko is sleeping peacefully, but Nick looks impatient.

"Momoko should be making breakfast for us..." Nick states. "But it's hard for her to wake up early on a Saturday..."

Nick holds up a water balloon. "Which is why god invented water balloons."

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"We're a bit slow today, hon," Irma stated, walking up to the counter. "Our cook went home."

"Was it the flu?" Momoko asks.

"Anthrax," Irma replied.

"This is where I run screaming into the street," Nick states to the audience.

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"Say, Irma-chan, do you give free refills on coffee?" Momoko asks.

"Interesting question, hon. No one's ever asked for a second cup," Irma replies. Momoko looks at her cup with a gaze of surprise.

"Antidote, please," Nick says to no one in particular.

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"People have different ways of handling depression," Nick addresses the viewers. "Some cry, some more around..."

Momoko stands up and walks forward, only to trip and fall flat on her face.

"Some tie shoelaces together," Nick continues.

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"Cooking pot on the head!!" Nick exclaims, slamming a cooking pot onto Momoko's head and banging on it a few times. Momoko doesn't look too happy.

"You're not laughing..." Nick states.

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Nick stands there with a devilish grin as Momoko walks by. "Momoko doesn't suspect a thing..."

As Momoko walks off camera, Nick's grin disappears. "Kinda makes me wish I was up to something..."

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Nick is out on a stage, dancing like crazy. "Thank you for that standing ovation!!"

Nick suddenly stops dancing, pointing towards the stage.

"Come back here!!"

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"I'm glad you agree with my 'no snacks at night' rule, Nick. ...Nick? Are you standing over me with a fork?"

"And about this far from deranged."

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Author's Note: And that's Act I! Check back in a few days for Act II!

Cheers,

S.P.D. Gold Ranger