Full Summary:

Sometimes, they just wondered where it had all began to go wrong. All they had wanted to do was start a book club in a school literally filled with people who were here because they liked books. And movies. And fandoms. And screaming. For fuck's sake, the place was literally called Fandom High.

Ah, Maya realizes. That's where it all went wrong.

[Multi-Fandom crossover almost, of the 2012 variety, grown in your backyard and spun into the biggest monstrosity you can imagine. The high school AU that the thirteen year old version of yourself wanted, but got shamed for writing. It's self-indulgence, live with it.]

Prologue: Murder on the Orientation Express

Official Transcript: Host #18's tour with subjects I and J

Date: Subliminal

Season: Mildly Australia

Guide #18 (H), navigates the gym with clipboard in hand. She sees a girl (I) and a boy (J) standing together uncomfortably, both with the number 18 pinned to their shirts. She approaches.

H: Hey, you two, you there! Are you two the… er… the Walker twins?

I: Well, he is, I'm not. But yeah, that's us.

J remains silent.

I nudges J.

I: Come on, Jordan. Be nice to the strange, unusual lady.

J sighs.

J: Hi. I'm Jordan.

H: Why, hello to you too! I'm Hortensia Clarisse Marjorie Brookstanita. I'll be guiding you through Orientation Day!

I and J share an amused glance.

I: That sounds like a mouthful.

H: Yeah, I was nicknamed multiple times in High School. You can call me Lisa for short!

H holds out a hand for I and J to shake. Both do so warily.

H: (to I) Sorry, I don't think I caught your name.

I: Iris. I'm Iris.

Pause.

J: So, Lisa… what are you going to show us today?

H: Oh, absolutely nothing.

I: …What?

H: Did I confuse you? Whoops.

H: I mean, I'm not going to tell you anything important. This is orientation, after all. That wouldn't do. How about we talk about some of our past students instead?

J: …What.

I: Are you kidding me?

H: Would you like to hear a story about xgriffins280?

Pause. H smiles expectantly.

J: …No. No we would not like to hear a story about griffins280.

I: (whispers) It was xgriffins280.

J: (whispers) Shhh don't bring it up.

Pause.

I: Sooo…

H: Would you like to hear a story about 00Emilee00?

J: No 00Emilee00, either. Can you tell us something useful? Something about this school as a network instead of a building full of past successes? Info that's relevant to us?

H: (doubtful) Well, talking about the school's failures is generally against protocol-

I: No! No failures! Average people. Nice people. We could get to know some nice people.

H: …People?

I: Yeah. Our older siblings go to this school, but we never really visited them a lot so we don't know a lot of people here.

J: Not that they won't show us around or anything, but it'd be great to get a headstart on our own.

Pause.

H: …Would you like to hear a story about-

I: NO MORE STORIES.

J: Iris, this is a school for stories.

J: It is literally called Fandom High.

I: Shut up, we all know what I meant.

Further pause. I plucks at shirt sleeve while J taps his foot.

H: …Well, I can't do much more if you don't have a gold pass.

I: What-

J: GOLD PASS. RIGHT.

J rummages in pockets of his Letterman's jacket.

J: Snow gave one to me the other day.

I: Hey, why you and not me?

J: I don't know, because I'm less likely to rip it apart in my pursuit of justice? She said we'd need it.

J produces vaguely yellow slip of paper from within a pocket. The paper is crumpled and has a tear in it.

I: I don't know, it looks like it got ripped apart without my justice being involved.

J: Iris?

I: Yes?

J: Shut the fuck up. Lisa, is this a gold pass?

H receives the paper from J and inspects it closely.

H: …Hm. This really does look like a gold pass, so I guess I'd better start from scratch.

H turns away from I and J and throws her clipboard at Host #17's head. Clipboard lands with 94% accuracy and Host #17 falls to the floor without a sound.

H: Now, where was I?

H: Oh, yes. Gold orientation.

H pauses, glancing at the ceiling as if trying to remember something.

H: Okay, we'll start with some of the boring background information.

I: Must we?

J: Be quiet.

H: (ignoring the two) Fandom High mysteriously appeared many years ago in a locked plane of existence different from the human plane. Travel between said planes is only permitted at the beginning of summer-one way travel so the students can go home for vacation-and at the end of summer-one way travel so the students can come back for the year. No one knows how it came into being, but it's always been run by the Panel. Some members of the Panel have come and some have gone. Some are timeless.

I: …Timeless?

H: Well, J.K. Rowling's a relatively new member of the Panel, all things considered. William, on the other hand, has been around for so long that half of us just call him Billy S.

I: Billy…S…?

J snorts. I raises an eyebrow.

I: Please tell me it isn't who I think it is.

H: Oh, he's very annoyed about it.

J: Poor Shakespeare…

H waves her hand dismissively.

H: That doesn't really matter.

H: At any rate, there are many different classes for you to choose from, all of them based on something called a 'fandom.'

H: I'm assuming you know what those are considering you signed up for this school?

I and J nod.

H: Good. As you may have guessed, some classes are obviously more popular than others. 'Sherlock' or 'Doctor Who' come to mind. 'Bronte Sisters' has a pretty steady flow of students each year, too. Recently, we've had to turn 'Harry Potter' and 'Lord of the Rings' into mass lectures because too many people wanted to take those classes.

I and J smile.

H: I'd show you around the school right about now, but it's in the middle of shifting. Unstable time loops. Time distortion. You know, the usual. It'll probably settle down by the time classes start, but don't get used to where anything is for now. By tomorrow, this gym will probably be halfway under where the southern moat is. I wouldn't worry about it.

J: Time distortion?

I: At my old school, kids never had to deal with time distortion.

I and J jump back as H laughs loudly and suddenly, clapping her hands.

I: What?! Is it my face? Is it my hair?

J: It's your face and your hair.

I: Shut up!

H: No, no. It's not your face, or your hair, or your freakishly large nose.

I: Hey!

H: You just made a reference!

I: …I did?

J: Magic School Bus reference.

I: …

I: Magic School Bus.

H: Yes.

I: I haven't watched that show since I was ten.

H: Doesn't matter. First rule of Fandom High: Always make references whenever possible.

I: …O…kay?

H: Where was I, then? Oh, yes. Clubs.

J: Actually, you were on time distor-

I: IS THERE A DEBATE CLUB?!

Pause.

I: Uh, sorry.

H: No, no problem! Fandom High has a large variety of clubs, mainly because the vast number of interests from our various students paired with the 'magical' ability of this school to create or vacate a room for anything means that there's something for everyone. Each student here is required to join one club, but interest groups are optional.

I: BUT DO YOU HAVE A DEBATE CLUB?!

J: Answer her quickly before she spontaneously combusts.

J: And make the answer yes.

J: Or else she might still spontaneously combust.

H: Well, we do, actually. And not just because your brother said so.

I: YES. Okay. Thanks. That's all I needed to know.

H: …

H: Alright then.

H: The teachers of the school include the members of the Panel as well as other authors, playwrights, poets, directors, and the like that weren't illustrious enough to make it on the Panel. We also have a ridiculously large amount of teaching assistants, which we'd probably fire if we could. The thing is that the teaching assistants happen to be all the canon characters from any teacher's given piece of literature or media.

I: …

I: So just to be clear, if I took 'Harry Potter' class-

H: Well, if you had joined that class before it became a lecture, you would have J. K. Rowling as your Professor and every major, canon HP character as your TAs.

I: …

I: Best. School. Ever.

H: Yes, we get that a lot. We call them 'Canons' for short.

I: I want to meet Phoenix Wright. Now.

H: Uh, who?

J: Ignore her. What were you saying?

H: Yes. Yes. Okay.

H: Normally, we'd be giving new students their Freshman Mentor Assignments. We have a nice system where each Freshman is paired with an upper classman and the two become friends and help each other (main the upper class to the freshman class) over the course of a month.

H: However, it says here that you two are sophomore transfers, correct?

J: Yeah. We went to a regular high school freshman year, but transferred over this year.

H: Usually, you come to Fandom High freshman year if you're meant to come at all. This isn't completely unprecedented, but it's very rare.

J: Yeah, our siblings were saying that it might be because we learned about it from them.

H: I don't pretend to know. The school works in mysterious ways. At any rate, because of this, we decided not to give you assigned upperclassmen mentors. I trust your siblings will help you two regardless?

I and J nod.

H: Well, if that's true, then-

H is interrupted by Riordan's TA Assistant #192740394 (PJ) running past. PJ is followed by a mob of freshman orientation subjects (Fn).

F1: PERCY!

F2: CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

F3: HEY, HEY! WHAT CABIN AM I BEST SUITED FOR?

Fn is followed closely by a similarly large and panicked mob of guides (Gn) who are at best guess trying to reign in their orientation subjects (Fn).

G1: Hey! Get back here!

G2: We're not done with the tour yet!

G3: You can meet Percy if you sign up for PJAO Class soon enough!

G4: Don't you want to hear the story about .oOMondoOo.?

H: What the-

G2: Lisa! Help us!

H: Right!

H flings gold pass into J's face. He stumbles back.

H: Orientation's over! Gift shop's on the left!

I: Wait! We haven't even-

H: Sorry, children! We must chase the setting sun, after all! Take this amulet as a token of my affections, but alas, now I must fly! MUSH!

J: What was that even-

H lets out a war cry as she joins Gn. I stares after her for a second before calling out.

I: YOU'RE A TERRIBLE TOUR GUIDE!

H yells back, her voice fading away as she runs.

H: ME? A TERRIBLE TOUR GUIDE? AU CONTRAIRE, MON FRERE. YOU'RE JUST A TERRIBLE GROUP.

Remainder of transcript contains footage of the chase and capture of Fn. PJ returned to proper classroom with a visit from the PWAA class's analytical psychology TA (AC). H offered a salary raise.

A Long Author's Note:

This is a work of love, regrets, remembrance and pain. It is self-indulgent, and I am fully self-indulgent in posting this, or even completing this. But it had to be done some time, I think. I've let this sit in the back of my mind for the longest time.

The people in this story are based around the fragments of memory that I possess regarding a small internet community that existed on 's forums, a long time ago. Not so long in the grand scheme of things, but in the process of growing up from child to almost-adult? Five years is a long time. This is RPF, but it's really not, and I haven't tagged it as such because of that. They're characters based off of what I knew of people through the anonymous wall of the Internet, not the people themselves. The people have grown and changed from what they once were (in personality and identity and more, although I've tried my best to keep names and pronouns up to date, for the sake of things). Most of them no longer bother talking to me, although I try sometimes. Most of them have moved on.

This is my way of saying goodbye. It has been a long time coming, but if you know who I'm talking about, then you will know who these people are, and what this work means. I'm not even sure I remember the details, but I have the old drafts and the old messages. You might, if you know what this work means. If not, then read on, but I can't guarantee you'll understand everything. There was a girl that I talked to the other day; she had gone through everything and that it felt like she knew us. I don't know how true that is, but the version of myself that existed in 2012 is not one of which I am fond, and I expect most people feel the same. But this is my way of saying goodbye to that part of me, not goodbye as a whole, but goodbye onto the what-could-have-beens of this part of my life. I'm sure it'll come back, but I will try for a while. I forget, and then it comes back. It's sort of seared itself into the curly napkin of my brain, and it's never really going to leave.

Maybe I'm not saying goodbye, maybe I'm just making peace.

In any case, this was begun by me, continued by Iris, worked on by the both of us for a period of time, and some others, and picked up again in October. It's been a long while, and we didn't get through a lot to begin with, so chapters will go up as time permits.

Thanks for enrolling in Fandom High. I hope your stay is pleasant, and you don't get eaten by the harpies.

(Also, this is not scriptfic. Only the prologue is, and it's a long story. leave the prose alone.)

Crossposted on AO3, by joanofradius. I'm too lazy to make an account for the Book Fanatics there. I hope this is interesting enough that you stick around. (I might add a full character list in the notes sometimes, because it's going to be hard to keep track, but it'll probably be in a later chapter.)