Hi everybody!
I hope you're doing well and you're enjoying summer. I just felt like writing today, so here you go. Of course I'll be happy to know what you think about it...
Take care
xxx Bless you xxx
"Amanda, can you please open the door?" The brunette asked for the second time. Olivia's tone was inimitable. Firm but quiet, soothing even though she never sounded cheesy.
It made Amanda's anger increase a little more. Actually, the blonde didn't mind feeling infuriate. Pity party wasn't her thing. She took a sip of wine and got up from her sofa. Of course, she knew why her boss was here, not that she cared, right now.
"Hey" Olivia studied the blonde's bored attitude for a while. She was hoping for an answer, any kind of feedback, really, but since she didn't get one, she decided to proceed. " I'm sorry, I know it's late but... may I come in?" Olivia's smile surely didn't warm up the mood.
"Sure" The blonde answered disinterested, making her way back on the living-room. Even though she let the door half-opened for Olivia to follow, she made absolutely no effort to welcome the brunette.
It was true, the sergent had been working with Rollins for five years now, but still, she couldn't figure her out, she thought while she was taking her coat off. Maybe it was the reason why they never really bond. They never shared a coffee if it wasn't job related. Tonight, she didn't take Amanda's attitude personally though. There was a lot going on inside the young detective's head.
"Want some?" The blonde finally grabbed a new glass, avoiding any eye contact. She didn't want Olivia to get too cosy, because she absolutely had no intention to open up, to have a girl talk or whatever. But since the sergent took her jacket off, then it already meant she planned to stay for a while. A little drink might as well make the conversation a little more entertaining.
"I never refuse a good glass of wine after a long day" Olivia tried a polite laugh to ease the tension but obviously it didn't work.
As Amanda seemed to ignore her as much as possible, she decided she would come straight to the point. "Amanda, dr Lindstrom called me, he said you never showed up"
"Of course he called" Amanda sighed as she took another sip of wine. Why couldn't she be alone? Didn't she deserve a little quiet after such a painful day?
Olivia didn't mean to pray, but she couldn't stay away and ignore one of her detective who visibly needed help "Listen, I know you didn't want any of this to come out, but now you have a chance to.."
Amanda interrupted sharply "Yeah we already had this conversation"
"We did not!" Olivia insisted, trying desperately to find a way in "I tried but you refused to.." There wasn't much she could do unless the blond would cooperate.
"That's right I did so what are you doing here?" Amanda finally lost her temper. There was no way she would tell her story, like every victim, crying slackly in Olivia's arm. She was a big girl. She always has been. And she wouldn't crawl now, just because Olivia felt guilty for god knows what!
"I know what you're going through" Olivia finally disclosed. It wouldn't work, not so easily but, sooner or later, she'd find the right words to touch Amanda's heart. Why was she caring so much? After all, she did her bit, she called her psychiatrist, she offered support, now she should respect Amanda's privacy. She. just. couldn't.
"Good for you" Amanda rubbed her eyes. She hated herself right now. How could she call herself a detective when she wasn't even able to control her temper? What kind of answer did she just give to her boss? "Listen, if you're going to fire me, than fine, do whatever you have to do, but I'm not in the mood for whatever lecture you have in mind. I was wrong, I should have come forward before Patton attacked some other girl, it's on me. I take full responsibility for whatever you need me to, but don't treat me like a victim, please don't." Maybe it was the wine talking, but at least, she got it off her chest. "Because I'm no victim", the blonde added, staring at Olivia.
Amanda maintained the eye contact for a few seconds. It was her way to let her boss know that she was fine, that she was strong, and that there was no place for weakness inside of her.
In the same eyes though, Olivia could read a different story. The blue eyes portrayed a frozen chaos. Amanda was so afraid of letting her feelings come to life that she made them cold enough so they became solid. She was a good liar, let's give her that, but what she called strength was nothing but a frozen fear. "Being strong is not about being able to control, it about allowing yourself to exist... letting yourself be" Olivia simply answered, hoping the blonde would think about it. "But I'm not here to fire you or to blame you Amanda, I'm here because I care"
Amanda's heart was shrinking more and more, she had the awkward feeling that soon, she wouldn't be able to breathe. But her stolid face didn't give any clue of her upcoming distress. She poured herself another glass of red beverage, hoping it would cheer her soul up. She suddenly noticed Olivia was waiting for an answer. "Thanks", she managed to say.
Maybe Olivia could feel the blonde tenderize a little. She sweetened her voice just a little. "Why didn't you go to see my therapist Amanda?"
"I.." She wished she could just answer the question but a lump in her throat prevented her to do so. She cleared her voice, hoping it would get easier to speak but, there was more than a simply discomfort. Amanda began to feel exactly the same way she did when she was in Mr Linderstorm's waiting room, earlier. The anger she was used to deal with finally converted into a fierce anguish. She couldn't get air in her lungs, it didn't matter how hard she tried. It was like even oxygen was so disgusted by Amanda that it refused her way in. Instinctively, her shaking hand tried to grab the wine but Olivia's hands stopped her midway.
The brunette was surprised she didn't see it coming. But once again, Amanda was so used to bottle everything inside that it was almost impossible to predict her state of mind. "Take a deep breath in" Olivia gently instructed, trying not to expose too much her concern.
But since it didn't seem to work, she wasn't sure she remained as calm as she should have. "It's okay, just breathe Amanda" She urged a little, squeezing reassuringly the young detective's hands.
She couldn't even imagine what was going on through Amanda's head right now. Probably, she was blaming herself for feeling anxious. Finding the right balance between compassion and respecting Amanda's space, she finally managed to ease some of the blonde's tension.
"You're okay.. take your time" It hurt Olivia to see the blonde in such a torment, and she even felt a little guilty for provoking it, but maybe it was for the best, maybe she needed to break down at some point. And part of Olivia was grateful it didn't happen when Amanda was alone. Or maybe it already did?
After a quick search in Amanda's kitchen, Olivia came back with some water. "Here, you'll feel better" Subtly, the brunette pushed away the wine. They've had enough for tonight.
Amanda was indeed feeling better but she didn't know where to hide anymore. She was an SVU detective, she wasn't supposed to make a fool of herself, even less in front of her boss.
" It's ok, it happens to best of us believe me" Olivia tried to comfort.
"That's why I didn't stay to your damn therapist, I... don't need that... I just need to...be alone" The blonde grabbed her hair in despair. Anger was back again. She got up from the sofa, feeling very hot and getting agitated.
"Amanda ..Did you say that you tried and go?" Olivia was surprised to hear. She decided to ignore Amanda's anger and attempt to engage the conversation one more time..
"I did... but.." Amanda was embarrassed to admit
"But what?"
"I couldn't... I... can't... Please don't make me feel like.." It seemed like even pronouncing the words was exhausting. Amanda wasn't feeling comfortable with any of this.
"Like what.. talk to me Amanda" Olivia had the feeling she was going somewhere though.
Even though she felt nervous, the blonde realised Olivia wouldn't leave until she gave her something. And part of her wanted to say something real, for a change. Maybe she needed to let the words out after all, maybe, it was okay to let someone vaguely know how she feels. She took a deep breath and stared at the turned off television. Don't ask why, it was easier that way. "When people try to fix me.. it made me feel like I'm broken... but.. I'm not... I don't want to go there okay... I've made some bad choices.. and I paid for them... can we just... let this behind, please?"
It was certainly the most complete and sincere answer the brunette ever had from Amanda. And she was aware that her own answer would determine the level of trust Amanda would place in her. That is why Olivia took all her time. She didn't want to send a wrong message here.
"I used to hate when people scurry to give me advice. Like they know what's best for me and what's not.. and I can't really remember a time when I did what someone told me to.. but then.. I realised myself, that I was tired.. of not dealing with me... I could deal with almost anything except with me.."
From the way Amanda relaxed, you could tell she appreciated the honest answer. "And what did you do?"
"I stopped hiding.. I stopped blaming myself because I didn't feel the way I was supposed to and just learned to.. you know... take care of me. Maybe pretending you're fine used to work for you..."
"Yeah... it used to" Amanda pointed, with a pinch of regret
"But it's been awhile since it hasn't been effective, am I wrong?" Olivia didn't need to mention how many times the blonde has been late for work lately, the nightmares she probably had to endure not to mention the sleepless nights.
"Maybe.. but it was still better than." Amanda couldn't finish the sentence, her watery eyes were ready to give up, but she managed to control. Anything was better than loosing control. That's what it's always been about. She couldn't admit that someone took control over her. That's she's been a victim. That's she's been the weakest. That's she's been afraid. Her whole life, fear has always been devouring her alive. "There's something you said once to a victim, I don't know if you remember.. It was the first case we worked on together... You survived the abuse, you'll survive the recovery" That sentence left a mark on Amanda.
Olivia kindly nodded. And suddenly she remembered. Amanda had tried to disclose to her. Something not worth pursuing... Olivia's heart ached. Amanda needed help and she knew it. She knew it from the beginning that something was wrong with the new female detective. This weird tension, how come she didn't notice? If she was alone right now, she would have burst into tears, but it wouldn't help the situation. Now, she had a chance to help Amanda, maybe, even, to win a friend along the way. "You can do it as well Amanda, you can survive, I know you can"
"I don't know" Amanda whispered. "I really don't", she repeated in defeat. "I don't know what to do.. I can't deal with... that"
"It begins with admitting the truth Amanda, it begins with telling how you feel... Can you try and tell me how you feel?" This may be an easy question, but not for Amanda.
The blonde shrugged... She felt like she didn't feel safe anymore, now that she had nowhere to hide from herself "I feel.. like nothing will ever be the same" Amanda answered genuinely, allowing the tears to escape her eyes, but fastly leading them away from her cheeks.
"Don't push things away... It's ok to cry" Olivia murmured, nicely grabbing Amanda's hands. "And you can count on us... on me "
It comes a time we're strong enough to allow ourselves to be weak without feeling ashamed about it. And if we take this road, we soon realise it's called life.