Deadpool's Deadtastic Day
A (long) short story about how awesome I am
By the amazballstabulous Deadpool
Part 1
Deadpool awoke with happiness in his heart. He raced by has blind roommate, and quickly raced outside, into his generic run-down neighborhood. He raced all the way up to his mailbox, the one with the cartoon unicorn painted on it, and grabbed the baseball bat that he had stashed next to it, using it to smash the mailbox open. Out of his unicorn mailbox, five letters appeared. Deadpool quickly grabbed them, and went to run back inside, when he suddenly heard a bunch of gangbangers yell at him.
"Hey, ugly", the Mexican gangbangers yelled at him, "you look like a testical with teeth!"
The gangbangers aimed a Tech-9 out of the window of their beat up truck, and emptied the entire clip into Deadpool's not-dead body.
"Ow! Mexicans are stealing my job as the comic relief", Deadpool screamed, as he ran back into his house.
"You must have missed him, homes", one of the gangbangers yelled at the other.
"I never miss, ese", the other gangbanger said, "he must have had armor on."
Deadpool came back out of the house with a double barreled shotgun, screaming, "You wanna play games with my job?! Alright, we'll play games; say hello to my little friend!"
With that, Deadpool fired a rabid hamster out of the shotgun at the job-stealers. They screamed as the rabid hamster tore them to bits.
Deadpool went inside, and opened up his letters. The first four were all bills, which he quickly threw away, but the last one caught his attention. It advertised scientific testing on humans, for which one could receive $250. Deadpool, feeling dead inside, and having nothing better to do, crossed out, "visit the queen of England" on his calendar, and replaced it with, "get 2-fiddy". He made sure to check his calendar one last time, and realized that he forgot to kill himself. He quickly filled it in on his list of things to do tomorrow, crossing out "Assassinate John Wick" in place of it.
With his calendar set, Deadpool went to go put on his suit. He put on the tight spandex onesy, slapping padding onto his knees and elbows, because he was a little wuss, and slapped his butt in the mirror. His ritual complete, he quickly put his mask on over his ugly testicular face, grabbed his katanas, grabbed his M1911's, grabbed his Five-Sevens, grabbed his DEagles, grabbed a couple of combat knifes, grabbed a couple of sawed-off double barreled shotguns, grabbed an AT4, grabbed a minigun, grabbed a grenade, grabbed an elephant, and a couple of candy bars, and stuffed everything but the DEagles and katanas into his magic pouch. The DEagles and katanas, he placed into their holsters on his hips and sheaths on his back.
He was about to run out the door, when Blind Al, the blind old black lady he called his roommate, screamed down the hallway at him.
"We're out of milk! Get some at the store!"
"We're out of a lot of things", Deadpool replied, "including all the cocaine I was supposed to transport for Tony Montana. Why is that?!"
"It was pretty good coke", his roommate replied.
"Do you have any idea what you've done", Deadpool asked, getting angry with his roommate. "Now I have to replace it all with sugar! And you know how expensive sugar is!"
"I'm kidding", the old blind black lady replied, "you left it all on the couch. But let the record show, that I really, REALLY miss cocaine."
"I'll leave a gram for you", Deadpool said, as he quickly stuffed it all into his magic pouch, "right next to the cure for blindness."
"Oh, blow it out your ass."
Deadpool farted, as he walked from the couch to the door.
"I'll pick up some food on the way home", Deadpool yelled, as he slammed the door behind him.
Deadpool pulled the letter out of his butt, and checked the address of the science lab.
"Hell's Kitchen", Deadpool read out loud, "right next to the McDonald's. Oh, boy, Hell's Kitchen! Maybe I'll get to see Daredevil, or, better yet, Punisher! Or, even better, both of them at the same time! Then I can wipe the floor with both of their fannies! Hey, wait a minute; why are all of my thoughts written down on the- oh, screen queue, right."
With that, Deadpool hopped onto the Deadmobile, his little red Moped, and rode off into the sunrise, towards Hell's Kitchen, New York.
Part 2
As Deadpool rode into Hell's Kitchen, he immediately got a glimpse of Daredevil beating up some generic Russian mobsters. Deadpool stopped and watched, until it looked like the mobsters were getting the upper hand. Deadpool jumped off the Deadmobile, and pulled a paperclip out of his magic pouch. He ran up to the mobsters, and raised his paperclip, saying, "Scram."
"Two of these Cyka Blyats", one of the mobsters said in a generic Russian accent. "I though today was going to be easy."
The mobsters all took a step towards Deadpool, and Deadpool raised his paperclip even higher. When they got too close to him, he dropped the paperclip, pulled out a DEagle, and shot one of the mobsters in the knee. The rest of the mobsters looked from their fallen comrade to the masked anti-hero.
"I said", Deadpool said, as he pulled the AT4 out of his magic pouch, "get lost!"
As the mobsters ran away, Deadpool called out to them, asking, "Or did I say 'scram'? I can't remember."
Deadpool turned to Daredevil, and extended a hand.
"I needed those people to talk", Daredevil said to Deadpool, as he accepted his hand, "not run away."
"Boo-hoo", Deadpool replied, "I left that one on the ground for you. Grow up."
"Deadpool", Daredevil said, clutching his side, "If there's anyone who needs to grow up, it's you."
"Hey, speaking of which", Deadpool said, as he made farting noises with his mouth, "do you know which way the McDonald's is?"
"Yeah", Daredevil replied, "it's three blocks that way. Why do you want to go to McDonald's?"
"Oh, you know, I'm just hungry", Deadpool said to Daredevil. But he turned to the camera soon after, saying, "Hungry for moo-lah!"
"Who are you talking to", Daredevil asked.
"The audience", Deadpool replied, as if it were obvious. "Duh."
"Actually", Daredevil said, more than likely trying to change the subject, "I'm about to go destroy a science center over there. Do you want to help me?"
"Ooh, actually", Deadpool replied, as he shot the wounded mobster in the chest.
"Blyat", the mobster screamed, as he died.
"Why did you do that", Daredevil interrupted in a high pitched tone.
"Yeah, about that", Deadpool replied. "It looks like you've got some generic Russians to track down."
Daredevil grabbed Deadpool by the collar, and pulled him close, so close that Deadpool could smell Daredevil's breath, and vice versa. Daredevil's breath actually smelled pretty good, kinda like minty freshness, whereas Deadpool never brushed, and therefore smelled like walking road-kill.
"You don't kill anyone in Hell's Kitchen", Daredevil said to Deadpool in a very serious tone. "Do you understand me?"
"No habla Española", Deadpool replied.
"If I catch you killing anyone else in Hell's Kitchen" Daredevil said threateningly, "you will have to answer to me."
"Ooh", Deadpool replied in a sarcastic tone, "I'm so scared, a blind guy wants to fight me! Not only that, but a blind lawyer! Oh, I am filled with dread!"
Daredevil let Deadpool go, and ran off to go track down the generic Russian mobsters without another word.
"Hey, hey, blind guy", Deadpool called out to him, as he raised his middle finger, "how many fingers am I holding up?!"
Deadpool, still not dead, hopped back onto his Deadmobile, and rode off in roughly the direction of "that way", to find the science center.
As he rode, a figure, wearing a trench coat, stepped into the road in front of him, screaming, "DEADPOOL!"
"Oh, boy", Deadpool remarked. "It's Punisher!"
Punisher lifted an M16, and fired a three-round burst into Deadpool's chest. Deadpool was thrown off his moped, and, as he watched it drive away on its own, he realized, "O-kay, he actually came prepared this time, owchie."
As he stood up, Punisher raised his M16 again, firing another burst into Deadpool's chest.
"Ow, damn it", Deadpool screamed at no one in particular.
"You son of a bitch", Punisher screamed, "why did you burn down my apartment complex?!"
"Hey", Deadpool said, raising his hands defensively, "I didn't know that the flamethrower was actually gonna work!"
Deadpool raised one of his DEagles, and fired a single round at Punisher's chest, throwing him onto his back.
"Woo-hoo", Deadpool said weakly, "I killed him."
Punisher got back up rather quickly.
"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO KILL YOU", Deadpool yelled, before he saw the bullet-proof vest under Punisher's trench coat.
"I WAS WONDERING THE SAME THING", Punisher replied, as he fired another burst at Deadpool. All three rounds hit Deadpool in the head, destroying his face.
"Ow, not the face", Deadpool screamed, as his chest wounds began to heal. Deadpool turned around, covering his face in shame, as Punisher sprinted up to him, penetrating Deadpool's chest with a large Bowie knife.
"At least take me out to dinner first", Deadpool yelled, as he tried to pull the knife from his chest. However, in Deadpool's already weakened state, Punisher was able to continue cutting through Deadpool, and eventually succeeded at bringing the knife up and out of Deadpool's chest.
With all of the damage Deadpool's body had taken, Deadpool died.
The end.
…
What are you still doing here? The story's over. Go home. What, you think we had some massive budget for a big, cool, fiery ending? No! Go home! The story's over!
…
Naw, I'm just playin'. So, anyway, after I got killed over a simple misunderstanding…
Part 3
"Deadpool", a sweet voice called out from the darkness. "Deeeaaadpoooooool."
Deadpool knew exactly who he was talking to before he even opened his eyes.
"Death", Deadpool said enthusiastically. "How's my sweet little sugar-bones doing?"
Deadpool heard a sweet little laugh, and opened his eyes in time to watch her boney mouth close.
Death was just that; Death. There was nothing particularly special about her, other than that she was a skeleton who wore a black robe and carried a scythe. The only REAL difference was that she had a crazy big crush on Deadpool, and vice versa, but sadly, since Deadpool could never die, they could never be together.
"Why, I think you look more muscular than last time", Deadpool commented. "Have you been working out, baby?"
"Such a charmer", the skeletal lady said, as she shifted her scythe around. "Why don't you ever come visit me?"
"Hey, come on, I'm a busy man", Deadpool explained, holding up his hands. "But hey, guess what?"
"What is it, love?"
"I found a really good sale on bleach and gasoline at the corner store", Deadpool said, as he ran a finger up her arm bone, "and tomorrow I have 'kill myself' written on the calendar… we could date all day if we wanted to."
The corners of Deadpool's vision started to darken.
"I look forward to it", Death told him. "But sadly, our time is almost over. It is time for you to be reborn yet again."
"Ugh, I swear", Deadpool said, with disgust in his voice, "if Punisher's got me tied up in a basement or garage again-"
"He does", Death interrupted.
"I'm gonna burn it to the ground with him in it", Deadpool declared, as his vision darkened further.
"Do it, baby", Death said seductively, "bring more souls and I'll… reward you."
"Oh, is that so", Deadpool replied. "Whisper it to me."
Death floated over to Deadpool, and began whispering in his ear. Occasionally, Deadpool would make comments.
"Oh… oh my… I like where this is going… ooh, kinky… um, ok… o-kay… wait, what? … that's… what? Is that even physically possible? … 27? Why specifically 27? … No, no, no, that's DEFINITLEY not my style… ok, I don't like where this is going anymore."
After Death had finished, she floated around to Deadpool's head, and gave his forehead a quick kiss.
"Come back soon, love", Death whispered.
"The way my luck is going", Deadpool assured, "I will."
And then Deadpool's vision went black.
Part 4
Deadpool awoke again, only to not such a pleasant sight. He recognized quite quickly that he was tied to a metal springboard, the exact kind that people got electrocuted on.
"Great", Deadpool muttered. He shouted out, "Ok, Frank, I get it. You want to cause me physical harm in an attempt to make up for me burning down your cheap condo. Ha, ha. Seriously, I have better things to do, and I'm forty six percent sure that you do, too. So how about I get you a free coupon to Lucy's Tacos? Then let's just call it even, and part ways and we can both get our more important stuff done."
"Actually", Frank Castle, aka Punisher, retorted from a dark corner of the room, "my five o'-clock got canceled. So I've got nothing better to do than to sit here and torture you."
"Geez", Deadpool said, "why are non-metahuman superheroes so violent? I mean, I'm not really one to talk, but seriously."
That gave Frank pause.
"What exactly do you mean by that?"
"Well", Deadpool began, "take Batman for instance. He beats the living crap out of people, often times for no reason at all. But before the more recent debuts of him, they showed a Batman who was… well, not funny, but at least kid-friendly. Whereas Superman, with his alien powers, has always been interpreted as solely good and law-abiding. It makes me wonder why non-powered heroes have to be so violent."
Frank looked on, confused.
"Who is Batman?"
"You know what", Deadpool said, "forget it. Just electrocute me already. My wrists are getting chaffed."
"Um", Frank said, as he walked over to the switch, "ok, whatever."
For four solid minutes, Deadpool was fried to a crisp by a car battery. But he made the most of it. The entire time, he sang "Baby come back" by Player. Eventually, he annoyed Punisher enough that he threw the kill switch on the fuse box, and told Deadpool to get out of his apartment. Deadpool happily skipped away, quickly found his moped, and continued his quest to get $250 for doing nothing.
As he tore down the road at a whopping five miles an hour, Deadpool began to notice generic Russian mobsters all over the place.
"Geez", Deadpool commented, "it's like GTA!"
Suddenly, one of the Russians pointed at Deadpool, and yelled, "Cyka Blyat!"
The Russians all pulled Russian guns out of various places, and started firing at Deadpool.
"Well", Deadpool commented, "this entire place just became a warzone!"
Deadpool reached into his magic pouch, and pulled out his sawed-off double barrel shotguns and blaster various mobsters with them. The walls were soon spattered with blood, and Deadpool continued firing, as his shotguns never ran out of ammo or needed to be reloaded, since they broke the fourth wall. Deadpool continued his mad campaign against the generic Russian mobsters, until one of them hit the oil pan of Deadpool's moped. Deadpool, furious, got off of his moped, and pulled the minigun out of his magic pouch.
"Daddy needs to express some rage", he said under his breath, as he revved up the barrels, and fired the massive gun at the generic mobsters. It was quite epic; enemies fell, bullets chewed, and DMX played in the background. But like every ancient Nordic tale, the author decided not to write in an epic action sequence, either out of boredom or the desire to let the audience interpret the battle for themselves. In this case, the author had stopped caring several minutes ago. Therefore, after a few seconds, all of the mobsters were dead.
"Get unalived", Deadpool yelled, as his minigun ran out of ammunition.
With the Russians dispatched, Deadpool went about his business, trying to track down a red moped. After an agonizing five minutes, he found one that he liked at the Red Moped shop, and slapped a DP sticker on it.
He hopped onto it, preparing to drive it out of the store, when the cashier asked him, "Are you going to pay for that?"
Deadpool looked the cashier in the eyes. It was an intense moment. The cashier's brow began to drip sweat. Deadpool wet his pants.
"No", Deadpool said rather nonchalantly.
"So you're stealing it", the cashier said, as Deadpool began to drive away with it.
"It's complicateeeeeeeeeed", Deadpool yelled, as he drove off into the distance.
Deadpool ran right through the brick wall of the store, and, completely unfazed, continued onward to find the elusive science lab.
When he finally reached the McDonald's, he realized that he was getting hungry.
"So that's why my stomach keeps rumbling", Deadpool thought out loud, "I thought it was just from those three year-old chimmie changas that I ate yesterday! I better get inside and get something in my stomach quickly, or else I'll be hungry for the rest of the day! Generic plot twist!"
As Deadpool walked inside the McDonald's, he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a kid eating fries. He quickly stole the kid's fries, and started chowing down on them. Out of the corner of his other eye, he saw another kid eating another neutral type of food, and Deadpool quickly took it from him, and ate it in one fell swoop. This went on for several more hours, until the McDonald's security officer told him to stop. After Deadpool stole the security officer's hamburger, he left the restaurant.
As Deadpool walked around outside for a moment, confused as to what he was doing, he suddenly remembered that he wanted to go to the science center, and get $250 for doing nothing. But as he was walking towards the center, a voice called out to him.
"DEADPOOL!"
Deadpool looked up, and caught a sight of Daredevil doing a superhero landing right in front of him.
"For a blind guy, that was a pretty good superhero landing", Deadpool commented as he gave a Queen of England clap.
Daredevil walked up to Deadpool, and grabbed him by the collar, bringing him in close.
"I gave you a very specific order", Daredevil said, seething with anger, "'don't kill anyone'. So why are there a bunch of dead Russians on Main street?!"
"Maybe they all tripped", Deadpool suggested, "and shot each other. Do I look like a detective?"
"YOU KILLED THEM", Daredevil screamed, "and now you're gonna pay the price!"
Daredevil head-butted Deadpool, staggering the mass-murderer. Deadpool reached into his magic pouch, and pulled out his Five-Sevens, and started shooting at Daredevil. The blind man was a little quicker, dodging Deadpool's shots, until the crazed antihero ran out of ammo. Deadpool dropped his Five-Sevens, and pulled his katanas out of their sheaths.
"I usually don't beat up blind people", Deadpool said, as he flipped his katanas around in his hands, "at least, according to my Probation officer, I don't. But just because you're pissing me off, I'll make an exception."
Daredevil pulled his sticks out of his pocket, and replied, "Only if you can hit me."
Deadpool thought about that for a moment, and then pulled one of his M1911's out of his magic pouch, and shot Daredevil in the foot. The blind superhero fell to the ground, and grabbed his foot, screaming, "WHAT THE HELL?!"
Deadpool turned to the camera, and said, ironically, "Handicap."
"BEING BLIND IS A HANDICAP", Daredevil screamed.
"But I don't play fair", Deadpool explained. "So I need a BIGGER handicap."
"Screw you", Daredevil screamed.
"Well", Deadpool said, scratching the back of his neck, "I guess twenty bucks is twenty bucks."
"That's not what I meant", Daredevil yelled.
"Oh", Deadpool said sadly, as he turned around, and walked over to the science center. He stopped at the front door. On the door, a note was taped to the wall. Deadpool grabbed it, and read it.
"Closed for fumigation", Deadpool read out loud. Out of anger, Deadpool threw the note on the ground, and angrily stomped away. Deadpool was going to stomp all the way home, but he suddenly got an idea.
"A house full of flammable chemicals", Deadpool rationalized, as he pulled the AT4 out of his magic pouch, "makes a good firework."
He fired the rocket launcher; and the rocket, using cheap special effects, flew towards the science center in slow motion. Daredevil held his hand up in slow motion, saying, in slow motion, "Noooooooooooo", as Deadpool scratched his nuts in slow motion dramatically.
When the rocket finally hit the building, the entire thing exploded so violently, that Deadpool was thrown clean through the building behind him. He landed on his butt, and got to see a large mushroom cloud floating over the building he had been blown through.
"Awesome", Deadpool commented, as his Deadmobile landed next to him. Deadpool, surprised at his good luck, got on his Deadmobile, and rode off to find a fast food restaurant that he hadn't already blown up.
Part 5
"I'm home", Deadpool said, as he kicked the door to his apartment open. "I brought food."
"Did you get milk", Blind Al, his blind old black lady roommate asked him.
"No", Deadpool responded, "we don't have enough money, remember?"
"But we had enough money to buy a chain gun", she deadpanned.
"Priorities", Deadpool responded. He tore his mask off, placed the bag full of greasy hamburgers and French fries on the little table that they had, and opened it up, selecting a hamburger with a healthy helping of bacon on it, and pulling a cup of fries out with it. Putting a generous amount of ketchup on both food items, Deadpool began to eat with ravenous abandon. Blind Al joined him, feeling the bag that he had brought home.
"You actually got something other than tacos for once", she commented, "I'm impressed."
"That's not true", Deadpool said defensively, "I sometimes bring home chimmie changas."
"No you don't", she replied. "You eat 'em all before you get anywhere near home."
"Yeah", Deadpool replied, through a mouthful of fries, "but it's the thought that counts."
"If I didn't have thick black glasses", she said, "you would see me rolling my eyes."
"Not true", Deadpool clarified. "I don't pay attention to you anyway."
"You're a cantankerous whore", his roommate scorned.
"True", Deadpool said, as he shoved the last of his hamburger into his mouth.
"So", his blind old black lady roommate asked, "How do you suggest we scrape together enough money to pay our bills for once?"
"Well", Ryan Re- I mean Deadpool, said, "I've still got to do that shipment for Tony Montana. Wanna come along?"
"What exactly would I do", Blind Al prodded.
"That should be obvious", Deadpool replied. "You have to hotwire the flatbed truck that you're going to steal."
Blind Al groaned.
"Did you learn anything from what I taught you?"
"Nope", Deadpool replied simply. "I did get to hear some boring stories though; bore me with some more for today, please."
"You know", Blind Al began, "I dated Captain America-"
"Oh no", Deadpool complained, giving a big sigh. "Not the Captain America story again."
"-and he told me", Blind Al continued, "that if a man mistreats his woman, he deserves nothing less than death."
"Well, you're not my woman", Deadpool snapped, "and I can't die. So go hotwire a flatbed truck or I'll lock you in the Box again."
"Bastard", Blind Al muttered, as she got up, and walked out the house.
Deadpool finished his fries, and, as he heard the door slam shut, he got up from the table, and walked over to the armory, and picked two AUG's out and grabbed some magazines off the wall, and walked over to the table again. Wade Wilson looked at the mask lying on the table, stared at it for a moment, contemplating his whole life, and for a moment, he regretted every single thing that he had done.
The moment passed when he accidentally dropped a magazine onto the ground. He slammed the two rifles onto the table, picked the magazine up off the ground, and placed it on the table. He grabbed the mask up off the table, and pulled it over his head.
He picked up the two AUG's from off the table, grabbed the bag of magazines, and walked out the door of his tiny apartment.
Outside, Blind Al was trying her best to back a flatbed truck up to a wall. She smashed the back of it into the wall, and hopped out.
"Get back in", Deadpool barked. "You're driving."
"Are you retarded", Blind Al yelled, "I'm blind!"
"But you know the way to Tony Montana's house", Deadpool countered, "probably like the back of your hand."
"I haven't seen the back of my hand in a long time", she commented, as Deadpool threw an AUG at her.
The rifle smacked her in the face, stumbling her for a moment, but she quickly regained her balance.
"Oh", Deadpool said. "Sorry, I forgot. Catch."
"It's a little late now", she replied, as she bent over and picked up the AUG. The rifle securely in her hands (albeit turned backwards and upside down), she turned around, and got back into the driver's seat. Deadpool jumped up onto the bed, and reached a hand into his magic pouch, and threw the tons of bags of cocaine onto the bed, making a pile large enough to climb on.
Deadpool sat down on the pile, and smacked the top of the cab, saying, "Hee-yah, noble steed, hee-yah! Off to Tony Montana's house!"
The flatbed truck lurched forward, throwing Deadpool off balance for a moment. As soon as he got his balance, he sat the bag of magazines next to him. Soon, the truck was traveling, at dangerously high speeds, on the highway. Almost as soon as they had taken the on-ramp, a cop turned on its lights, and followed them, trying to match the same speed.
"Oh no", Deadpool remarked playfully, "it's the Po-Po!"
Deadpool fired a burst from his AUG at the cop car, trying to discourage it from getting too close. In response, the cop inside the car pulled out his sidearm, and fired at Deadpool. The cop's shots went wide, giving Deadpool a good laugh.
"Who taught you how to shoot", Deadpool taunted, "Stormtroopers?"
Deadpool fired a burst at the cop car's tires, hitting one of them, spinning the cop car out of control. The cop car swerved into the guardrail, and launched up, flipping.
"Ooh", Deadpool yelled. "That's gotta hurt!"
Blind Al kept on driving, bumping cars off the road, making lane changes, and going far faster than was legally allowed, for in the glove box of the flatbed truck, she had found a dollar.
She wanted to get to her cocaine as fast as possible.
She went over a fairly large bump without slowing down, throwing Deadpool into the air, and throwing his AUG clear over to the other side of the cocaine pile. Deadpool got up, and tried to crawl over the pile, but gun shots ringing out from behind him caught his attention first.
A fourteen-man biker gang was on their tail, screaming, "BRYCC SQWUAAAAAAAD 4 LYFE!"
"Really", Deadpool asked to no one in particular, as he pulled a grenade out of his magic pouch. "Fine. I didn't want this anyway."
He pulled the pin, and sent it sailing towards the bikers. It exploded in the middle of their group, taking out six bikes.
"Hot dog", Deadpool yelled, applauding the grenade's effectiveness, as he scurried over the cocaine pile, and retrieved his AUG. He turned around, and fired wildly at the gang of bikers. He hit one burly biker in the chest, causing him to fall off his bike.
"Lucky shot", Deadpool asked the bikers, "I DON'T THINK SO!"
He aimed the AUG at another biker, and pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened.
"Rats", Deadpool exclaimed, "out of ammo!"
He slid down the cocaine pile, right next to his bag of magazines, and quickly ripped the wasted mag out, slapping a fresh one in. He cycled the charging handle, and ducked just in time to avoid a slug round slamming into the bags behind him. He turned, and found cocaine spilling out of one of the bags. Deadpool turned his head back and forth between the cocaine and the bikers at a rapid pace, and finally looked back at the bikers, putting on his angry face.
"Damn it", Deadpool screamed at the bikers, "this stuff is expensive!"
Deadpool laid on the trigger, and raked across the bikers' lines, popping the tires on two more bikes. Both bikes swerved, and hit each other, causing a large explosion which engulfed two more bikers in flames. Having lost too many men, the remaining bikers of the BRYCC SQWUAD retreated.
"Another victory for the delectable Deadpool", Deadpool cheered, as he gave a very homosexual curtsy and cycled magazines again.
"Incoming", Blind Al said immediately afterwards, as four ninjas jumped onto the flatbed, out of nowhere.
"Ninjas", Deadpool said with exuberance, "my arch nemisi!"
Deadpool aimed the AUG at one of the four ninjas, and fired half of the magazine into him, causing him to fall off the truck. He turned it on another ninja, but the ninja was faster, and kicked it out of his hands. It clattered down the road.
"Hey", Deadpool snapped at the ninja, "those things are expensive! I expect a full refund!"
The ninja punched Deadpool in the face. Deadpool was unfazed.
"You guys are from the Yakuza, right", Deadpool asked. "Because that's about the only logical explanation I can come up with."
One of the ninjas answered him in Japanese.
"Yes", the ninja said to him, "we are of the Yakuza. We are here to run Tony Montana out of business, and you are in the way of the goal! Now, Pool of Death, it is YOUR turn to do the dying!"
"Good thing I can read subtitles pretty well", Deadpool remarked, as he pulled his two katanas out of their sheaths.
The ninjas all produced katanas as well. For a moment, the group sat there, staring at one another.
"Well, SOMEBODY better do SOMETHING", Deadpool finally said, "because I'm getting bored."
The ninjas all simultaneously attacked Deadpool, running him through. Deadpool stood there, looking from ninja to ninja, and uttered a word that would shock them all.
"Ow."
Deadpool spun around, decapitating one ninja, and went to attack the others, but they had both pulled their katanas from Deadpool's regenerating wounds, and had stepped back. Deadpool kicked the dead ninja's body off the edge of the flatbed, letting it roll down the road. One of the ninjas attacked Deadpool, trying to slash at him from on high. Deadpool deftly blocked, and turned, allowing the ninja's momentum to carry him forward. Deadpool slashed the ninja's back, severely cutting him. The ninja cried out in Spanish as he turned around to attack Deadpool again. The two ninjas simultaneously charged the crazed psychopath on his right and left, swinging over their heads, and Deadpool deftly blocked each of them.
Deadpool looked right at the camera, saying, "Hey, watch this!"
Deadpool jumped into the air, flipping around, slicing the two ninjas' chests. The ninjas stumbled back, as Deadpool made a superhero landing, the blades of his katanas pointed out behind him.
"Ok, I missed", Deadpool admitted to the audience, "but hey; I stuck the landing!"
The two ninjas were severely wounded. In fact, the ninja that Deadpool had cut up beforehand fell over with a cry of, "Mien Lieben!", which means, "My life", in German, and fainted from blood loss. Deadpool quickly kicked him off the edge of the flatbed, letting him roll beneath the wheels of an eighteen-wheeler.
"Ouch", Deadpool commented, "quick, but painful."
The last ninja ran at Deadpool one more time, and Deadpool used an X-block to catch the ninja's sword.
"What ungodly creation are you", the ninja asked in Pig Latin.
"Well, I didn't have time to read the subtitles", Deadpool replied, "so I'm just going to assume you set me up for this; madness? This… is… Deadpool's Deadtastic Day!"
Deadpool kicked the ninja in the chest, sending him flying off the flatbed. The ninja flew right into the propellers of a low-flying plane, sending ninja bits every which way.
"I guess he's taking his tacos", Deadpool said, as he put of sunglasses, "chopped."
The truck came to a screeching halt, sending Deadpool flying over the top of it, landing at the feet of Tony Montana.
"Deadpool", Tony Montana said, making disappointed clicking sounds, "I asked you to transport me thirty kilos of coke, and what do you bring me? Twenty nine point nine kilos of coke. How do you explain yourself?"
"My bathroom scale must be off", Deadpool said, as he got up, re-adjusted his limbs, and dusting himself off, "because unless my roommate stole some from me, there were exactly thirty kilos of cocaine on that flatbed… well, discounting the bag the bikers popped."
"Bikers", Tony questioned, tsking again. "Do you take me for a fool, Deadpool? If I could kill you, I would shoot you dead right where you stand."
"Ask Al", Deadpool replied.
"He's tellin' the truth, Tony", Blind Al said, as she fell out of the truck, and hit the ground with an "Umph".
"And Blind Althea", Tony continued. "You used to be my best costumer. But you give up cocaine to live with this loser? These are not good life decisions."
"Yeah, Al", Deadpool said, "stop making bad life decisions. Anyway, if you dig around enough in that pile, I'm sure you'll find a slug or two."
"And now you tell me that you let wild African slugs loose in my pile of coke", Tony said, biting back hatred. "Oof, the nerve."
"No, no, shotgun slugs", Deadpool clarified.
"He could be right, boss", one of Tony's men told him. "There's a lot of blood on this truck."
Tony looked from his hired goon to Deadpool.
"Alright", Tony said, "because I love you like the son I never had, I'll give you full price for the job."
"Thank God", Deadpool replied, "my bills are way overdue, my roommate is begging me for some milk, and I found a really good deal on an RPG at : the place where black people shop online."
Tony smiled, and brought Deadpool in for a Montana Bear Hug.
"Oh, you vex me, child", Tony told Deadpool, "but you never stop making me laugh."
"You are always good to your word, Tony", Deadpool replied. "Otherwise I would have tipped off the cops about you a long time ago."
"Hey", Tony said to Deadpool, "I only got my word, and my balls, and I don't break 'em for nobody."
Epilogue
With a flatbed full of money, Deadpool went directly to the bank, and deposited half of it onto his checking card. The other half, he used to forget milk, and buy a couple of other groceries, and then he stuffed the rest of it under a mattress in someone else's house (he had killed the occupant a day prior). When they got home, Deadpool ordered the rocket launcher he had wanted. Blind Al, without Deadpool's knowledge, got a tiny bag of cocaine from Tony for her dollar. That night, after Deadpool had discovered the bag in his nightly cavity search of her, she and Deadpool snorted the whole thing, and went to sleep.
The end. Go to bed.