Speak to Me of Comfort
Disclaimer: No no no. Ask again in five minutes and the answer will still be no. Come on if I did do you think I'd be writing this stuff. Also the song unfortunately is also not mine but belongs to Ms. Sarah McLachlan
Summery: Christmas Blues. They say temptation will destroy our love.
Rating: PG
AN: if I get rave reviews it might become part of a series. But don't lie to me cause frankly I'm not too happy with the way this one turned out. Tell me if you agree.
Fear-Sarah McLachlan
"Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child, innocent, unknowing. Winter's end, promises of a long lost friend, speaks to me of comfort. But I fear I have nothing to give, I have so much to lose here in this lonely place, tangled up in your embrace, there's nothing I'd like better then to fall. But I fear I have nothing to give. Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine and nothing yields to shelter from above. They say temptation will destroy our love. The never-ending hunger. But I fear I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this lonely place, tangled up in our embrace. There's nothing I'd like better then to fall. But I fear I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose. I have nothing to give. We have so much to lose."
Snow.
White, cold, fluffy snow, the kind perfect for making snowballs. As I stand up high on the space needle, it falls all around me.
There is something magical about snow that I could never understand. It does things to people, makes adults laugh and makes kid want to sit outside for hours in it, freezing as they build their snow forts and throw their snowballs. Snow never did that for me though.
Whenever it snows I remember cold winter nights at Manticore, I remember our escape and waiting under the ice. In short I have no fond memories of the white fluffy stuff that everyone seems to love. I'd be perfectly happy with a green Christmas.
No scratch that. I'd be perfectly happy with no Christmas.
I go through this every year; I guess you could say I'm a real Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. I just don't see the point. Everyone wastes money that could be spent on things they need, to buy ridiculously priced items for the people they loved. You want to help solve the poverty problem, why don't you just banish Christmas. But I guess this post-pulse world likes to grasp at every opportunity they can to celebrate.
Before the pulse it was even worse I've been told. I can't imagine how it could be worse. All those emotions and confessions flying around wrapped up with pretty paper, no thanks I'll pass.
Maybe it isn't really the snow or the holiday that gets to me the most though.
Original Cindy says its cause I never had anyone special to share it with. I just laughed at her. Like that really mattered to me. Yeah, sure… Only I think maybe in some remote way she could be partially correct.
I had myself and that was all I really needed. I could always head over to Logan's, well after his family Christmas party. He'd asked me to go with him and save him from his family but I made up some excuse about having plans. He'd tried to act like it didn't bother him but it did.
I should have told him yes, it wasn't that big of a deal after all. But with all those holiday traditions-I guess I just didn't want to risk getting caught under the mistletoe with him.
I can picture it now. Everyone watching and waiting for him to kiss me while we both felt like fools. It wasn't like we could explain to everyone that I was poison. Yeah sorry guys but there isn't going to be a kiss. See I'm a genetically engineered killing machine and last spring I was captured and they did things to me so that whenever we touch Logan gets fatally ill. So if I kissed him he'd die. Yeah I could really tell them that.
But it isn't the mistletoe that bothers me. I know. I know that it is something totally out of my hands. What bothers me is not that we could end up under the mistletoe, but that if we did we couldn't kiss. What bothers me is that Logan should be taking me around to things like that, that I should let him but that I can't. He was right to ask.
I know he wants to move forward with this thing we have. And I wanted to too. But the thing is I don't want to anymore. I don't want to tempt myself with something that I just can't have. Sure I want to be with him and sure I believe that one day things will get better but that doesn't mean that its going to happen tomorrow.
And until it does happen I don't want to risk everything.
Logan has been understanding. He's allowed me my fears and he's kept his distance at my request. But I know he wants more, I know he needs more. And I should be able to give it to him. He's done everything he can for me.
Why do I always have to be the one to hurt him? Why can't I just say yes to him? Why can't I just tell him how I feel about this? I just want him to know that eventually I do want the same things. I'll be the first in line for the cure and as soon as we are sure it has worked I'll be the one taking the first step. But not now.
Sure he doesn't want me to touch him he just wants my heart and my soul. I don't know if I can give him those without touching him. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll slip up and he'll end up dead.
Granted things are better then they were when I first came back. We seem to have gotten back into the habit of just hanging out together. And I'm fine with that, except that I want more and I know I can't have more. And he wants more and he knows I won't give him more.
Yeah we really do set a shining example of what love should be don't we.
Why can't I trust myself enough to do this for him?
He trusts me. I trust him-although I'm sure it doesn't look like it.
He loves me and I'm beginning to think that I return his feelings. It has taken us long enough to figure that out. But I still can't give him everything.
I've been working on figuring this virus out, using the notes that we paid handsomely for. But it's all scribbling of a scientist with very bad handwriting. For five grand we should have at least gotten legible notes. But we didn't.
So many things we should have but don't.
How can I sit here and still be ungrateful? Logan isn't dead. Manticore is gone. I'm free. There are so many things that should bring a smile to my face but still I sit here and whine about what I can't have.
Why didn't I just say yes to him?
There is still time. I could head over there now and let him know I changed my mind. I don't know how he'd interpret it but I can only imagine he'd take it as a sign that I'm ready for more. Maybe I am ready for more. Maybe I've just been content to sit in the same place because it's safe. I don't really want to be safe when I'm around Logan, and it scares me.
Maybe that's why this stupid party is bothering me so much. It makes sense.
Sighing I stand up and start my descent down the Needle.
I'll hop on my bike and see where it takes me. If it takes me to Logan then I guess it really is time I move on.
She teases and torments me daily. The thought runs through my mind as I watch the snow fall outside. I should be getting ready for the traditional holiday grilling but I don't really want to go alone. I want to go with Max.
It's hard not to get impatient around her. But I can't. This is hard for her too. Sometimes I forget that and it pisses me off that she's so distant. Then I sit and reprimand myself for losing my temper at her. It isn't her fault; she's dealing the only way she knows how.
Escape and Evade.
And she knows how I feel; at least I think she does.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I sit here for countless hours going over things that I have no control over? In her own way she loves me. When the time comes she'll show me. I know this. But it doesn't make waiting for her to come around any easier.
To her credit though she's been trying hard and it only makes me love her more for it. She stops by more and we talk like we used to. Sure it's hell watching the words tumble out of the lips I just want to kiss. And it feels like being stabbed repeatedly when concern crosses her brow and I can't just gather her in my arms and hold her till she's fine. Not that she'd let me do that even if there wasn't a virus to deal with but I could always dream.
The whole Zack dilemma was absolute hell. She shouldn't of had to choose, as reassuring as her choice was, I never wanted her to reaffirm her feelings for me in that way. I never wanted to have to come between her and her family like that. And part of me wishes that I'd never shown her that footage.
Although I know I couldn't live with myself for denying her that right. And she'd kick my ass if she ever found out how much I would do to protect her from hurt like that. She's a big girl and she can deal with it, she'd say. Her face would explode in rage and I would kiss it away. Well in my dreams that is. That would explain why she never slugged me for my actions and instead kissed me right back.
I chuckle under my breath at the image of a furious Max. She so sweet and sexy and cute when she's angry. Never in my life have I known anyone quite like her.
So clichéd but true non-the less.
Looking at our relationship I can't help but draw a few more clichés.
We'd known each other forever. Destined to be together. I could even throw some Shakespeare into the mix with star-crossed lovers.
But what did Shakespeare know. How I feel for Max is so much deeper then Shakespeare could ever dream. We are the same person at times. We used to joke about her being my legs but under it we knew that it was partially true. When she crashed through my skylight, when our eyes met for the first time, we knew that somehow we would never be able to get enough of each other.
Max is my soul.
I know she worries about getting into deep, but she is so far in now that she doesn't even remember what it was like when she wasn't me and I wasn't her. I know she's scared that she will never be able to pull out if she needs to. But what she doesn't realize is that its already to late for her to turn back and that she won't ever need to pull out because there is nothing for her to pull out of.
She's in so deep but it's not deep at all, it's only natural. She can't escape what she can't define.
For a year we danced. For a year we fought the inevitable, but once we decided to go for it we said goodbye to all of our outs. And once Manticore took her from me it cemented the deal. If anything this virus has only made us stronger and more willing to fight for each other. To fight for ourselves.
Max is not afraid of giving up her heart and soul. She's afraid she'd never going to get it back.
That's why I invited her to come tonight. So that I could give her some part of herself back.
That's why I'm still looking desperately for doctors to help us. So that I can get some of myself back.
The floor creaks slightly behind me. She's snuck up on me once more but the floor has betrayed her position.
"Don't you have a party to get ready for?" She asks.
"I don't know if I'm going to go after all." I don't know why my bike led me here. I only know that with him so close I finally feel whole again. All night I'd been fighting the darkness that only comes without him. I think maybe when I'm with Logan a part of me is filled. A part of me that I never knew needed him.
"Oh. I think you should. I mean it isn't everyday we get an opportunity like this one to celebrate." I turn around to face her and I can see in her eyes that she wants to come with me. I don't need to ask her.
"Do you want to use the shower first?" He asks knowing that I'm here to be with him. Knowing I'm here to say I'm sorry for blowing him off. Knowing that he doesn't need to ask if I'll go.
"Nah I'm feeling generous tonight. You can shower before me." Her smile is gorgeous. I stand and start to leave the room when her words stop me.
"Just leave me some hot water." I smile at her comment.
"I promise." His words meant more then a promise to leave me hot water. Both of us knew it was a promise to tread carefully. We were both fragile and we both needed our time outs. With his words he promised to protect my heart. And now it was my turn to reassure him.
"I promise too."