NOTES: Sometimes TV shows can really piss me off. I borrowed Rodney to express my vexation. It's not a happy fic; McWeir fans be warned. There are other, happier fics in the works; I just needed to get this out of my system. Thank you, PurpleYin, for betaing this.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate: Atlantis and all things associated with it belong to other people.

SPOILERS: through The Siege, Part III

RATING: T

JUST FRIENDS

BILE

It took him by surprise, completely blindsiding him.

The battle against the Wraith had been emotionally and physically exhausting. So many people had been lost and injured, including one of his teammates, and there had been countless close calls and endless pressure to pull off the impossible. After recovering from overdosing on stimulants and the resulting collapse; after overcoming the invasion's horrors to the point where he didn't feel the obsessive need to carry his P90 everywhere he went; after having started adjusting to the reality of having a ZPM and the Daedalus around, Dr. Rodney McKay began to deal with the larger world again on a more normal basis, or as normal a basis as he ever had. That was when he'd heard.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis expedition, had greeted the returning Major John Sheppard with a hug--right there in the middle of the Gate room! Sure, Sheppard had miraculously survived a suicide mission--and Rodney himself would probably have hugged the man had he been there--but for some reason, this idle bit of gossip caused him to feel cheated. Worse, it seemed Elizabeth and the Major had been spending off-duty time together, not that Elizabeth ever had much.

Hadn't he saved the city by installing the ZPM to power the shields? Didn't they get a ZPM and the Daedalus in time to protect them and access to their home galaxy because of his plan to send a message back to Earth? Hadn't he saved Atlantis many times before? Where the hell was his hug!

It was like having something precious stolen from him, and he was left with an insatiable ache in his chest. It hurt. Why did it hurt?

Without explaining the catalyst, he talked to Dr. Carson Beckett, who was alarmed and immediately tested him for a heart attack. The rhythm of his heart was slightly irregular. Suspecting it was a side effect of stimulant abuse, Carson gave him medication to stabilize his heart rate and advised him to get regular exercise and drink lots of water, not that he seemed to think Rodney would do either.

He talked to Dr. Kate Heightmeyer, but without telling her what had caused this reaction in him, all she could do was walk him through grief management and post trauma exercises.

It was when Teyla cornered him in the mess hall one day that he finally realized what was causing it all.

It was the first time he'd eaten outside his lab since he'd heard about Elizabeth and the Major. Although he'd chosen a table in a corner, away from other diners, and brought several reports to give the look of being too busy to disturb, it wasn't long before a shadow fell across his meal. His stomach twisted, but he was oddly relieved to find it was only Teyla.

"May I join you?"

Teyla and Rodney had saved each others' lives on numerous occasions, though the most recent incident had involved her coming to his rescue. A small shudder ran through him as he recalled facing a pair of Wraith with nothing but a handgun and bravado inspired by fatigue, fear and frustration. If Teyla hadn't arrived when she did, he wouldn't have been around to install the ZPM and they'd all be dead. He didn't really want company, but who was he to deny her a seat? He gave her a nod and gestured to the spot across from him with a fork full of pasta.

Setting her tray on the table, she lowered herself gracefully into the chair. "How have you been, Doctor? I have not seen you as of late." She said it mildly enough, but there was something searching about her gaze.

Looking away, he turned a page of the report on waste disposal he'd been reviewing and swallowed. "Well enough. Between the damage to the city and the Daedalus, there aren't enough hours in the day to deal with everything." Not wanting to talk about himself, he turned the conversation to her. "I suppose reestablishing the encampment on the mainland has kept you busy, too?"

"In focusing their attention on Atlantis, it seems the Wraith overlooked our village." From the corner of his eye, Rodney saw her stab listlessly at her salad. "Although some are petitioning to live here in the city, the resettlement has gone smoothly, and none of my people were lost." Even caught up in his own concerns and not particularly well versed in the moods of the Athosian leader, he could tell something was wrong; she radiated tension.

"It's a shame what happened to Ford, huh?" He closed the folder; it wasn't a topic to be discussed with divided attention.

She nodded. "I have consulted with the Athosian elders, and none have ever heard of such a thing happening before. To become dependent on that with which the Wraith use to prepare you for death... It is deeply disturbing."

They had only recently discovered Teyla possessed some Wraith DNA, the legacy of an experiment conducted generations ago. The knowledge had caused her understandable dread. Perhaps this put her situation into perspective? She had lived with the taint of the enemy within her all her life yet had never become deranged nor turned against her friends, as Ford had. Actually, she was one of the most stable, controlled people Rodney had ever met. Sometimes he envied her that. "Carson's working on a possible solution..."

"With the Lieutenant having fled through the Stargate, how can we hope to administer a cure?"

Ford had been so energetic and full of life. Even with Carson's explanations of how addiction could change a person, it was difficult to believe the jovial young officer was not lost to them forever. They both lapsed into silence, poking unenthusiastically at their food. Rodney could somehow sense Ford's unknown fate wasn't what was causing the subtle strain that haunted Teyla's every movement and look. Inexplicably, he felt the need to ask about the source of his personal torment.

"So... You heard about Elizabeth and the Major?" He tried to say it lightly. Perhaps he could show himself that he was making much ado about nothing, that it didn't matter to anyone else, but he was surprised by the visible flicker of pain that crossed Teyla's face, a brief knitting of her normally smooth brow. Wide and unguarded, looking into her eyes was like looking into her, and her anguish mirrored his own. Hadn't he always though Teyla and the Major were involved?

"You love him," he whispered in awe.

"It is the same for you, is it not?" There was no pity, just sad recognition.

That was how Rodney figured out he was in love with Elizabeth.

How had he not known? How had she not known? Wasn't Elizabeth supposed to be a diva of perception? It all made sense, now--the reason he'd felt snubbed when she'd said she'd be sending a personal message back to Earth, the reason having her attention pleased him, the reason her voice soothed him, the reason he'd been more terrified when a gun had been pulled on her than in any other life-threatening situation before or since.

This realization caused bile to rise in his throat. He stood and ran to the nearest bathroom to vomit his lunch into the sink. Using his ATA gene, he locked the doors with a thought, drew in a ragged breath and heaved again, losing his breakfast. He kept at it long after his stomach was empty, becoming lightheaded from the inability to breathe normally. Distantly, he heard a pounding on the doors and worry in Teyla's voice.

"Dr. McKay? Dr. McKay, are you all right?"

Had he ever been? Would he ever be? "I'm okay," he gasped weakly, but somehow she heard.

"Should I contact Dr. Beckett?"

"No!" It came out a little more forcefully than he'd intended, so he tried to cover it with elaboration. "Just something from lunch not agreeing with me, nothing serious." He doubted the ever-observant Athosian would believe his explanation, but by saying it, he could deny it was anything more. It was bad enough Teyla knew; he didn't want Carson dragged into this, too. "I just need some time to myself and I'll be fine."

"Are you certain?" She was plainly doubtful.

"Yes."

"As you wish, Dr. McKay," she replied quietly. "...but if you need someone to talk to...I would be happy to oblige."

Was that resignation he heard? She might be going through the same things he was, but he couldn't help her. How could he when he couldn't help himself? He didn't want to share this feeling--he wanted to run from it, as far and as fast as he could. He wanted to hide from it; he wanted to refute it; he wanted it to go away. Talking about it would only make it more real.

After that, his already low appetite diminished to almost nothing, and he couldn't bring himself to spend much time with anyone, least of all Elizabeth or the Major. When he saw them, the ache in his chest seemed to want to burst out of him. Sometimes, he almost wished it would; it hurt that much. Fortunately, there were plenty of systems to repair and more to be explored, thanks to the power of the ZPM. He had no time for offworld missions and could simply FTP his reports to Elizabeth. There was no need to see either one of them and lots to keep him distracted.