Disclaimer: Blackadder belongs to Richard Curtis, Ben Elton and Rowan Atkinson. I don't even own Tinlow, since it's a bad anagram of the name of a real place where I actually worked this summer. Yes, this is a Blackadder fic that grew entirely out of job dissatisfaction.

Author's Notes: All of the characters are younger in this story than they are in the various series of the show. Blackadder, Baldrick, George, Darling and Kate are eighteen; and Melchett, Flashheart and Queenie are somewhere in their late twenties. And yes, I used the term 'Adderverse.' Sue me. We have Potterverse and Buffyverse, so … why not? Finally, yes, as I know all of you know, Sticky the Stick Insect and Mr and Mrs Spank are actual lines from the series. I'm not trying to plagiarise; see Mr Disclaimer.

Tinlow Industries, Part 1

Edmund Blackadder did not have friends. If he had, he would have been sitting with them on a rainy spring Sunday morning, instead of sitting with George St Barleigh and a filthy servant known as S. Baldrick on a rainy spring Sunday morning. Now, readers unfamiliar with Adderverse might think that this was not so unpleasant a situation; for if one could not have friends, one could at least be a happy supervillain surrounded by minions. However, readers familiar with Adderverse know that the situation was very unpleasant indeed, for while Blackadder was certainly capable of being a supervillain (although he was slightly put off the requisite tights and panties), Baldrick and George were too stupid even to be minions.

Blackadder was rather depressed at the moment, and not only because of the fact that he was sitting with George and Baldrick on a rainy spring Sunday morning. This was the fault of one Kevin Darling, a downtrodden, wimpy young man with whom he had made a bet – and lost spectacularly. Usually, when love and money were both at stake, the party in question got to keep at least one, but Blackadder had no such luck. Such was the case when Professor Flashheart was involved.

It had all started out innocently enough, or as innocently as anything ever did in Adderverse; Blackadder had been strolling along with his girlfriend Kate Parkhurst, who had a thing for cross-dressing and liked to be called Bob, and because she was good in the sack, Blackadder didn't mind. In fact, he actually liked this about her. He and Kate had been strolling along when they had happened to come upon Darling sitting alone under a tree, pretending to read a book. I say 'pretending' because it was a mathematics text that had been shut tightly until Darling became aware of Blackadder and Kate's approach, whereupon he had seized it, opened it to a random page and covered, or rather smothered, his face with it, in the desperate hope that the couple wouldn't see him, which they had, of course, already done.

Upon seeing Darling desperately trying not to be noticed, Blackadder had decided to take a moment to impress Kate by engaging in one of his favourite pastimes: tormenting the walking, or rather, sitting, showcase of social awkwardness.

'Hello, Darling,' he said in a cool, cavalier tone. 'Trying to pass your A-levels through osmosis?'

'Well – I've certainly done more revision than you,' Darling replied weakly. Blackadder rolled his eyes at Kate.

'Yes, Darling, quite. There is such a thing, Darling, as a girl, something that for all your revision I would not expect you to have any knowledge of, scientific or otherwise.' From what little Blackadder could see of Darling's face, he was flushing bright red. Blackadder gave Kate a satisfied smile and offered her his arm. 'Shall we go then, darling?'

'Well I hardly understand what you mean by that – oh,' Darling broke off as he saw Blackadder smirking and Kate giggling. Wishing he could just drop off the face of the planet, Darling slumped against the tree trunk.

'Oh, Edmund, that was a little mean, wasn't it?' Kate asked, shaking her head at Darling. 'He's just a poor slob, you know.'

'Yes, I know, Bob,' replied Blackadder, an evil grin spreading across his face. 'Think how lucky you are to have me instead. Darling here has his lips permanently pressed to a book, while I use mine for a higher purpose … like this.' Blackadder pulled Kate to him and kissed her, gleefully aware of how uncomfortable they were making Darling.

It was then that Darling had called out something that had irreparably changed Blackadder's life for the worse. 'You may be smug now, Blackadder, but you'll get yours – Professor Flashheart is back in town!'

Blackadder immediately broke off his smooch with Kate and spun around to face Darling again. 'I hardly think he'll have any effect on me. You on the other hand, Darling – '

Darling flushed red again. 'I wasn't thinking of you or me!' he screeched. 'I meant – I meant your girl, Bob or whatever her name is – you won't be laughing soon enough!'

Blackadder's sarcastic manner turned to ice. Professor Flashheart was known for his lechery. He ought to have been in prison after the last time he had taught at their school, when he had been sacked by the Headmaster, but then the Head had died and his daughter Queenie had become Headmistress. Since Queenie was widely rumoured to have been one of Professor Flashheart's many dimwitted flames, Blackadder was none too surprised that the oversexed felon had been invited back. But if Darling was implying what Blackadder thought he was implying, he was not at all amused.

'If you mean to say that I'll soon be every bit as lonely and pathetic as you are on account of Professor Flashheart stealing my girlfriend, then I'll have you know that he deals in the seduction of half-baked hussies like our esteemed Headmistress. Kate is a girl who wears men's trousers and tunics and likes to be called Bob, and aside from that she is dating me. Professor Flashheart will have no effect on either of us.'

'Really,' Darling answered sceptically. He lowered his book, more confident now. 'Would you like to bet on that?'

Blackadder smiled. 'How much?'

It was Darling's turn to smirk. 'How much is she worth to you?'

Kate turned to Blackadder with an expectant look on her face, but he was spared answering that question when a foul stench filled the air. A nearby sewer grate had opened, and Baldrick's head was peeking out of it. Blackadder, Darling and Kate were frozen in shock for a moment as the stink hit them full force, but Blackadder recovered himself first and turned to glare at Baldrick, who turned to Darling and said in a dreamy voice, 'Oh, she's worth at least two turnips.'

'Who … or what' – Darling coughed – 'is that?'

'What are you doing now, Baldrick?' Blackadder asked, disgusted and exasperated.

'Nothing bad, sir, I'm just rescuing my pet rat, Davey, from all this smelly water down here, sir,' Baldrick replied earnestly.

Blackadder threw up his hands in revulsion. Darling, who was slowly recovering from the situation enough to find it funny, cracked a smile. Blackadder advanced on Baldrick. 'Baldrick, don't you realise that compared to you that smelly water is pristine? If you want to rescue Davey, leave him in peace.'

'I already got him out, sir. He's over there about to bite your friend on the leg, sir. Now I just need to help myself.'

Blackadder grinned. 'Well in that case, let me help you.' Blackadder gave Baldrick a good hard kick, and the latter fell screaming back into the sewer. Blackadder walked back over to where Kate was standing. 'All right, now that that's taken care of … how much do you want to bet, Darling?'

That was when Davey made his move. Darling shrieked and grabbed for his leg as the rat scampered away with pride in its steps. 'Two – hundred – and fifty – pounds,' Darling choked out, frantically trying to stop the bleeding.

Blackadder was taken aback. Despite his aristocratic appearance, he did not have two hundred and fifty pounds to spare, and he was fairly certain that Darling didn't, either. If Kate did fall for Professor Flashheart's 'charms' – no, that was impossible. It had to be impossible. Blackadder was not the sort of bloke who fell in love, but he had – for a split second that he was still for the most part refusing to acknowledge as it was such a far cry from his usual nature – honestly thought Kate might be the one. After all, she was so unlike the other girls he knew … how many girls dressed up in men's clothes, asked to be called Bob and still looked fetching? Not many, that was for sure … in fact, Kate was the only one Blackadder could name off the top of his head. The question of why he found this so attractive was another thought that had crossed his mind momentarily, only to buried instantly in the darkest, dodgiest corner of his brain in a file drawer marked 'Danger, do not open, ever.'

Blackadder swallowed and looked Darling straight in the eye. 'OK,' he said, expertly masking his nerves. One word, two letters … two syllables had been Blackadder's downfall.

He still couldn't believe how quickly and how soundly he had lost. The following school day, Queenie had called an assembly to welcome Professor Flashheart back. Blackadder and Kate had been seated in the front row. The memory of it upset his stomach even more than Baldrick's cooking, and that was a rare feat.

Queenie's opening remarks had been bad enough: 'Quiet, everyone! As you know, you are here to welcome back the great, the wonderful, the oh-so-sexy Professor Flashheart … now don't any of you girls let him get you pregnant because I might just want to marry him.'

Then the man himself had appeared, and Blackadder would have lost his faith in humanity in that moment had he not lost it years ago when he realised that the only company consistently available to him consisted of George and Baldrick.

'That's right, it's me! Professor Flashheart, open and ready to give all you randy girls the best sexual education you'll ever get … starting with you! Woof! Woof!'

To Blackadder's horror, Flashheart had been pointing at Kate, who had leapt out of her seat and was running towards him, eyes completely glazed over.

'No, Bob!' Blackadder had yelled. 'Don't fall for it! He's nothing but a randy old prick who would be serving gaol time if our Headmistress weren't a randy young flake with a brain the size of a pigeon's!'

It was too late. Flashheart was already groping Kate, and she was making no move to stop him.

'All right, fine,' Blackadder had screamed. 'You've cost me two hundred and fifty pounds I don't have and probably never will have, you mini-brained whore! I hope your children look like Baldrick and you never receive a cent of alimony!'

Blackadder had been seconds from grieving the fact that he had just lost the only woman he had ever thought it might be remotely possible he could love when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Blackadder whirled around and saw Darling, a wide, satisfied smile stretching across his face.

'Did I just hear you say,' Darling asked, hardly able to contain his glee, 'that you do not in fact have two hundred and fifty pounds?'

Blackadder decided to shrug it off. 'Well, I don't have anything to give to a pathetic cretin who was probably born writing notes,' he said, slipping into his usual sarcastic persona.

Darling winced, but ignored the insult. 'We had a bet, Blackadder, and you lost. You won't escape without paying up.'

Blackadder rolled his eyes. 'No?'

Darling shook his head. 'Not a chance, Blackadder. You should have thought of this before you took the bet.'

Blackadder glared at his rival. 'Mind if I ask just how in hell's name you can force me to keep my end of this? If you're thinking about clucking in my ear like the chicken you are until I'm finally so annoyed that I give in and pay, that won't work.'

To Blackadder's surprise, Darling laughed. 'I work for Anthony Melchett,' he responded, eyes gleaming in triumph. 'He'll back me on this matter. There's no way out for you, Blackadder. Not this time.'

Blackadder seethed with rage. He knew he was cornered this time. Melchett was a wealthy man; although Blackadder was not sure whom he worked for, he had a lot of power and prestige in local matters, and his influence over politicians and legal matters was ridiculous. If Darling complained to Melchett, Blackadder would be in far worse trouble.

And that was how Blackadder came to be sitting, feeling rather depressed, with Baldrick and George on a rainy spring Sunday morning.

'Come now, Edmund, it can't be as bad as all that,' George said, beaming. 'Just the other day I heard you telling Queenie how wealthy you are. Just pay Darling his two hundred and fifty pounds, find yourself another girl and move on.'

'When I was talking to Queenie, George, I was lying. Because you and she have about the same lack of brain capacity, I am not surprised that you didn't realise it. I don't have two hundred and fifty pounds; I can't pay Darling; and Kate is the only girl I'll probably ever know who dons men's clothing and likes to be called Bob. I'm in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.'

'I have a cunning plan to get you out of this,' Baldrick piped up, smiling eagerly.

Blackadder groaned. 'My expectations are about as high as Thumbelina's little finger, but all right, let's hear it.'

Baldrick pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like an unwashed bit of turnip tied to a dirty string. 'What is that?' Blackadder asked, spitting out the words in disgust.

'It's a pendant, sir, meant to hypnotise people, sir. You take it, and you swing it in front of the subject's face, and you say, "You are getting sleepy," and he says, "I am getting sleepy," and you stop it, and you tell him things, and he believes you 'cause you put him in a trance, sir.' Baldrick attempted to demonstrate this by swinging his 'pendant' inches from Blackadder's face.

Blackadder nearly choked. He punched Baldrick in the face, sending the pungent servant sprawling. 'I suppose your "cunning" plan is for me to hold that disgusting thing in Darling's face, inform him that he is getting sleepy and explain to him that we never made a bet, or even better that he was the one who lost and therefore owes me two hundred and fifty pounds?'

'Why, yes, sir,' Baldrick answered, dusting himself off. 'How did you guess, sir?'

'Baldrick, it's disgusting and pathetic, and even if I had a real pendant it wouldn't work because Darling, loathsome though he is, is not as stupid as you are.' Blackadder sighed. 'There just isn't a way out. I could steal the money, but neither one of you has two hundred and fifty pounds and you are the only ones stupid enough to leave that kind of sum up for grabs. I don't know how in the world I'm going to pay him back.'

'Uh, Edmund?' asked George. 'May I make a suggestion?'

'Oh, go ahead. I've got time on my hands now, haven't I, now that Kate's gone.' There was a bitter edge to Blackadder's voice. 'My only escape from the strangely unpleasant company of you two.'

'Well,' George began, ignoring the insult because he was too thick to understand it, 'my family work for a prominent local business … Tinlow Industries, have you heard of it? Anyway, they have a huge bulk tent sale for three weeks each year, and I always step in to help out there, and it pays rather well, so … why don't you apply for a job there? I'll tell my dad who you are and he'll get you on the payroll in no time. By the end of the sale you should make enough money to repay Darling, and if it's women you're worried about, there'll be plenty of them you can meet at the sale. So, what do you say? Shall I get you a job at the Tinlow tent?'

Blackadder paused, thinking. It appeared that for once George was the one using his family brain cell. Blackadder thought he must be going mad, because it seemed like one of George's ideas might just work. 'Ah, George?'

'Yes?'

'What exactly would I have to do?'

'To get the job? Nothing, just fill out a couple of papers, name, address, preferred hours, etcetera.'

Blackadder tensed in annoyance. 'No,' he said, putting extra emphasis on each word, 'not to get the job. What would I have to do on the job?'

'Oh, not much. They'll probably make you a clerk or something. Maybe you'll have to stock items once in a while. It's mindless work, really.'

'No wonder your family is so successful, then,' Blackadder mused. 'All right, I'll take it. I'll take any hours I can get if it means I'll be out of debt sooner.'

'George, sir?' asked Baldrick hesitantly. 'Do you think you could get me a job there, too, sir? I could use some extra money to buy more turnips.'

'Of course, Baldrick,' George said, nodding. Then his face lit up. 'I know! Edmund here can be a cashier, and you can be his bagger! It's perfect! I'll let Dad know straight away!'

Blackadder buried his face in hands. 'Oh, God,' he moaned, resisting the urge to run out into the rain in a futile attempt to drown himself.