NOT YET WHOLE
I was never good at dealing with loss, except that the time it hurt the most was that night five months ago. Whenever I think of it, I hear the words to a song that breaks my heart a little more each time. It breaks a little but then it heals just a little more than it broke. And I bet that by the time I can let go of the song, I can also let go of the pain.
Show me signs
Show me billboards
Something to guide my way
I walk with purpose in darkness
Stumble in the light of day
So won't you help won't you help me out
It was one of those nights when the seasons were changing. You know, summer longs to stick around but nevertheless fall kicks it to the curb. Warm enough for t-shirts and light jackets but cold enough that you gotta wear jeans. The soft wind rustling the tall blades of grass as it skimmed by on its way north, crickets sang and frogs bellowed down by the creek. The clear night sky winked with stars and the full moon cast its beaming glow down on us, four silhouettes barely visible in the night. We stood still and silent in front of an old pine, the remains of our once impressive tree house casting shadows down beside us.
I'm starting over me
And I'm so tired I can't stay awake. Nothing to say but so much at stake. Oh we awake and it's back to business
To the business of hanging on
"Man, I've missed it here." The voice is low and deep, Peter Stabler's better known as Pete, one of my best friends.
Tall and lanky with sleek dirty blonde hair that falls into his laughing blue eyes. Beside him Cameron sighs and looks about ready to hug Pete. Pete smiles as he stretches and pushes Cameron away from him.
"Don't get all emotional, Cam, you'll see this place again. It's not like you won't visit or anything."
"Peter, you are one of the most insensitive people I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. Are you seriously going to ruin our last night by cracking idiotic jokes?" Cam says trying to hide that fact that he's hurt by Pete's words.
He fails miserably; we can all read him like an open book. One look at his big blue eyes, curly blonde hair and lanky form, and you know he's a bit of a softy but can still give and receive a joke. It's why we've kept him around. I shake my head, and then run a hand through my dark hair as I make my way over to the base of the old tree. We built the tree house ages ago in fourth grade, worked on it through 7th and called it good in 10th. Our time paid off seeing as it's lasted this long. Noah was ahead of me, bouncing from foot to foot, occasionally adding a twirl here and there. The rest of us couldn't help but laugh, Noah's a bit of a drama king. Ok, that's an understatement. He's one hell of a drama king. He's always quoting lines from something, involved in every school play and when he's not eating lunch with us he's in the drama room, chatting up the rest of the actors.
And all these one-way conversations
Are drinks that don't quench my thirst
I look to you for some answers
Your silence it hangs like a curse
"Stop it, you fairy!" Pete called after Noah.
"He won't ever learn, will he?" Cam shakes his head sadly.
"I guess he's just doomed to be a moron forever." We both laugh at that.
This was our friendship, the non-stop playful ridicule, jokes and burns. I loved it. These guys were my life. We were barely apart and even if you were with just one of us, the rest of us were there. We carried a bit of ourselves in each other.
"You're the fairy. That or you're jjjeeeeaaaalllloooouuuuusssssssss of my fabulosity!" Noah retorts spinning another pirouette as he reaches the base of the tree.
"Keep telling yourself that Noi," I joke as I elbow past him to grab the starter branch and start to climb from habit.
I barely listen to the squabble from below me as we all climb higher into the old pine. When I reach the fort, I cautiously pull myself up, catching my t-shirt on one of the nails.
"Damn it," I mumble then dust off all the dirt. A hand grabs my ankle and I jump banging my head on the roof. Hard. "Frick!"
Pete hoists himself in, bent double with laughing and the fact that if he stood he would shoot through the roof.
"I guess we really haven't been here for ages. Last time I could actually stand." He plops down in one of the beanbags and I lose sight of him for a minute in a cloud of dust.
I laugh and lean out the door just as Cam clambers in, knocking the top of his head on my jaw. I fall back, sprawled near Pete's feet who is not surprisingly howling with laughter. I moan in fake pain as Cam shoves my legs out of the way so he and Noah can squash in as well.
"I don't think its stable enough for all of us." Cam points out as he peers about nervously as if the fort will fall apart at any sudden movement.
"Where's Henry?" Noah asks abruptly as if he's just realized our fifth is missing.
"I told you earlier that he didn't pick up when I called so I just left a message. I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he gets it."
"But he's missing all the memories in the making." Pete laughs at his own joke but stops when the rest of us don't join in.
"It wouldn't kill you to be serious every once in a while you know?" I say noticing again how hurt Cam looks. "It is Cam's last night before he moves and after all that happened at school a lot of people are toning it down."
Pete turns grim all of a sudden, "What happened at school? You mean the car accident?"
I'm starting over me
And I'm so tired I can't stay awake. Nothing to say but so much at stake. Oh we awake and it's back to business.
"Yeah, it was really bad. Three guys our grade, you know, on the way home from Kyle Korby's party. They weren't drunk but the guy that hit them was. Seriously drunk I think like a .20 with coke in his system, as well. Someone said two of the guys died instantly, the other later in intensive care. The driver of the other car walked away with nothing but a few scrapes and bruises. How fair is that? Three innocent people died and the guilty guy is still alive. So much for justice."
It's gotten really quiet in the tree house, all of us just staring about. Cam isn't looking at me, Pete is staring into space and I can hear Noah mumbling something under his breath. We sit like this for a few more minutes until I can't stand it anymore.
"What the hell, you guys? It's not like we knew them or anything, right? I mean it's sad but it isn't us…"
The look on Noah's face tells me otherwise. Our eyes meet and I can't read the emotions in them and it scares me.
"Listen, Elliot, you have to promise us that you'll make it through this. That you won't blame yourself for what happened that night. Life moves too fast for any of us not to give it our best shot. Remember to take a break and just watch the stars, listen to the life around you and give a bit of yourself to everyone you meet." He reached out and pulled me into a tight hug.
Not one of his usual ones but a stronger one as if he were leaving for good. Cam reached out and ruffled my hair, locking eyes with me. His blue ones didn't hold any wistfulness only a calm accepting. Pete clasped my hand and squeezed it; he nodded at me as if to say he knew I would be fine. I laughed nervously trying to cover up my confusion.
To the business of hanging on
And to the business of letting go
"What are you talking about? You sound crazy. Blame myself, make it through this? Make it through what?" I tried to yell at them but it only came out as a whisper.
None of them speak, just looked sincerely at me and the snap of a twig caused me to look toward the door. A mop of disheveled brown hair and then the usually bright hazel eyes barely visible beneath. Henry. He slowly pulled himself in and when he looks at me his usual easy and carefree manner isn't there. Instead I can tell he's been crying, no sobbing, on his way here. He lets out a long shaky breath and runs a hand through his hair, this isn't natural this isn't him and now I'm even more uneasy than before.
"I got your message, I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner but-" his voice cracks painful and he has to swallow, "Something came up."
I manage an almost normal smile. "Its okay," Henry looks up. "I had company Noah, Cam and Pete came here with me. Noah's the one who said to call you-"
"Elliot what are you talking about? There's no one here and they…" He has to stop again, "They can't be here, that's not possible."
I'm getting worked up now. This isn't making sense. First Noah with his words and now Henry saying they aren't here.
"Yes it is possible. They're right" I spin around on my knees to motion to the three of them behind me but the tree house is empty,
"Here." I barely whisper as it hits me.
"They're dead, they're the ones who died in that accident. Not some people I don't know. But them, the guys who were basically my brothers!"
I'm looking back at Henry and I see the horror in his face, as he comprehends the fact that I didn't know they were dead.
"Elliot, how could you not know!?" He's screaming at me, punching me, but I can't feel it, I'm numb. "It happened last weekend! I called you. We talked. You said you needed time to think. But I thought you understood, you seemed fine at school!"
"I saw them, they've been with me all week. Everything was normal. Normal, NORMAL, NORMAL! They aren't dead it's a lie! It's a lie! Stop lying to me, Henry, stop it!"
But deep down I know it's not. I know, but I don't want to face it.
What you do, do it slow
Cause I can read the lines in your eyes
Henry has stopped hitting me, but I wish he hadn't. The numbness was the scariest thing so far, I wanted to be able to feel the blow to feel the hurt in my heart, so that I could know I was still alive not just some hollow shell of the man I used to be.
"Elliot, Elliot, Elliot. Why did it have to be them? What did they do and where were we? Uh? That's what I wanna know, why weren't we in the car with them."
It takes me a second to acknowledge that we are no longer in the tree house but back in the field, back under the stars and now I remember what Noah said.
"We can't blame ourselves, Henry. They wouldn't want us to. We need to just keep moving, keep growing, keep living. I know that's what they would have wanted, to know that we'll be alright even if they aren't here to-" I had to stop and breathe to keep back the flood of tears threatening to break against my eyes, "Here to go to collage, get married, have a family…"
I couldn't continue, I was starting to feel again. Still, deep down somewhere in my cathedral of sorrow a door opened. The light it let in may be small but it's there all the same and I know that if I could keep walking through the dark and towards that door I will be okay. Because on the other side waiting for me was a life, a world that kept moving even after all the tragedies it had endured just as Noah had said I had to keep moving forward, remembering to forgive myself every once and a while.
And I'm so tired I can't stay awake. Nothing to say but so much at stake. When we awake oh its back to business
To the business of hanging on
I gaze up at the tree and beyond that into the night. I take a gulp of fresh air and sigh, letting the bottled tears finally fall. Roll down my cheeks and wobble on my chin till they finally splash down onto my t-shirt. I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder, I turn to look into Henry's tear stained face. He gives me a weak smile before lifting his hand to wipe his eyes.
"I think it's time to go back home, our parents are gunna worry."
I shake me head and pull Henry into a hug before he can move away from me. He doesn't push away but hugs me fiercely back and when we let go both our tears have stopped.
"Lets not go…not yet. It's to nice out why don't we just, watch the stars?"
Henry nods and we both lie back on the ground staring up into the vast blue. The last chords of Noah's favorite song come to mind and I can't help but smile, a real smile, at how perfect the words seem to fit.
To the business of growing cold. To the business of facing facts. To the business of letting go