Depressive.
That's my mom's favorite word to describe me.
"Matt's such a depressive boy, I wish he could find some sort of happiness."
And it's not so much to the word, just the way she uses it, like it's my fault. Anyone who knows her will readily agree with me that she's not the most happy or optimistic person in the world. And then there's my dad, the "strong, silent type." If it's anyone's fault, it's theirs, for being who they are.
And I don't know how the hell to explain T.K. Maybe all the bad traits were used up on me. Or maybe, without my dad in his life, mom got to spend more time with him, rather than yelling all day long. It doesn't really matter how it happened, I lucked-up with T.K. Tai and the others think I was so over-protective of him just because he's my little brother, but there's a lot more to it than that. I owe him. From the begining, T.K believed in me, had faith in me. He saw right through that facade I put on and made me admit to everyone, even myself, that I wasn't as confident in anything as I let on. He didn't let anything break that faith in had in me, and managed to give me faith in myself. I'll always be indebted to him for that.
What amazes me most, is how smart he is, and was at at that age. It's been my belief for years now, and I don't give a damn what Izzy would tell you, the reason the eight of us were chosen was for our intelligence. Maybe not as "book smart" as Izzy the Computer Nerd or Joe the Study Freak, but we were all experts in our fields. Tai, through some twist of fate, was the best leader a group of kids could ask for. Probably because he's captain of his soccer team. Sora was the "Den Mother," who could ease worries better than any mom I've ever known (Granted, I didn't know my own). T.K, I think, was there to make sure none of us lost our sense of fun through the whole thing. Mimi...aside from her "Amazing fashion sense," I think the biggest contribution she made was her open sensitivity to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if she didn't over-react to everything for the whole group. Same for Joe and worrying, I think. He'd always warn us how dangerous everything was, as if we didn't know it already, but it seemed to make it easier to deal with. With him and Mimi acting like basket-cases all the time, it was almost like everyone realized, "If they're gonna freak out, someone has to stay calm and sane enough to deal with this." Izzy's role was obvious, he handled the intellectual side of everything. Kari...hmm, I didn't spend much time with her, so I can't really say. As for me...I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think I was there to feel sad for the group, sort of like Joe and Mimi. Other times, I think there had to be a lonewolf for the group to come together and worry over.
Lonewolf. Ha, that's a good one, too.
Almost to emphasize the point, they (Whoever "they" are, anyway) gave me Gabumon. Damn guy never left my side, like a lost puppy that follows you home from school one day. It wouldn't be so bad, except that I miss him so damn much now. He just *had* to go and be the best friend a guy could have. But I can live with the solitude for now. After all, I'll see him again...
What's most amusing about the whole "lonewolf" label, is that I'm more alike with Jyou than anyone else. It's just that I'm more respected because I'm Depressive-introvert, and thus a "cool, loner"-type, and he's a Nervous-Introvert, and thus a nerd. Doesn't help that he's got glasses and intelligence either, I suppose. But I know where Jyou's coming from. Friendless, no confidence, people constantly critisizing you for not being a certain way...It's a harsh life. He probably feels the same way about Gomamon as I do about Gabumon, or the whole Digital World adventure. It changed myself, him and possibly Mimi more than anyone else, or at least I think so. To look at Jyou now, is to see someone completely different than we used to see. Jyou's all grown up. Hmm...wonder when I will.
That's my biggest problem, I guess. Growing up. I'm not sure how Jyou managed to change how he did, with his father on his back so hard, but I'd sure like to know. I don't see her very often, but everytime I do, mom has something to say about me, and it's never anything to encourage. It's always "Why are you wasting your time with a band?" or "Why don't you smile more?"
I don't guess she's ever stopped to think that those things weigh on my mind more than anything else. Usually, other people's opinions don't matter to me. But this is my mom, the very blood from which I spawned (Note to self: Make sure Izzy never decides what movie the gang sees ever again). Part of me is just glad to be noticed by Her Majesty, but the rest of me just wants to strangle her and try to make her see that she's not helping me, damnit. Even Mimi figured out that I dwell on the littlest things. If Gabumon hadn't been there, I never would've made it through the Digital World (And not just because big things wanted to kill me, either). The only reason I'm still sane after all that is because of he and T.K.
I wish Gabumon were here now. I can close my eyes and still hear him telling me not to worry, but it's not doing any good this time. I miss him too much for a simple memory to help me now.
Hmm...I actually do sound a bit depressive, now that I think about it.
Then again, they say that if a kid hears something enough, they'll start to believe it.
Guess that means it's her fault for passing on the genes *and* for saying it so much.
For quite sometime now, I've been rather silent (But then again, writing is a silent art, isn't it?). I've been re-reading some of the things I've written, and have been taking time to think, re-evaluate and re-plan some of my projects so that perhaps I could improve them, and make them more enjoyable for the reader. This has been a time of great contemplation and much consideration has gone into what I shall soon be writing. (Translation: I've had writer's block like a mother cliper, and I'm just getting passed it...)
As for the Christmas Wish deal, I'm sure many of you have lost sleep over this (And if not, please just say so, because I like to feel important), waiting in woonder. So wonder no more, though I'm afraid I'll disappoint some people. My answers were:
Joe and Mimi; Based on season 01 stuff, I never would've thought of them (Except the last few eps). In 02, however, Joe and Mimi seem to have grown up so damn much, it just seems to fit. Perhaps my mind has been clouded by all the Mimou I've been reading, but I could completely see Joe (Actually, I like Jyou better than Joe, but I'm American, thus I can't be open-minded and intelligent and use the spelling I like...or something to that effect) doing something like this, considering the new personality he bought sometime between 01 and 02. Mimi as the female lead, though...that's a bit iffy, considering how non-Mimi it was. Clip it, though...Jyou and Mimi.
T.K and Kari; Since 02, Kari seems like she's gotten a bit more uhh...playful (Or some other word that seems insanely intelligent, yet says the exact same thing. Damnit, I can't think...), yet I can still see her as one of those people that tend to get depressed over certain holidays (Girl loves everyone, everyone isn't happy, girl is sad that everyone else isn't happy...). Don't bother asking how I got that impression, it just kinda hit me, thus why I wrote the part like I did. Kari was the first female I had in mind when writting it. On the other hand, I know (you know it, too, you're just afraid to admit it!) that T.K likes Kari, but I also know that he'd have a hard time ever saying it straight out, but I can very so see him doing something along these lines.
Ken and Kari; Ken is who I had in mind for the Male. Ken is clipin' kosher. Ken and Kari together is a stretch, yet it's very possible. Ken, like Kari, cares about everything, despite the appearances he gives (And gave as the Kaiser). He also (I'd imagine) digs mental challenges and playing mindgames. If he liked Kari (Or anyone, for that matter), I *think* he'd tell them pretty quickly, either cut and dry, or through some sort of game. He's also the one I could see acting as mysteriously as written, given that he doesen't seem to be too keen on being around people all the time. Just my take on the guy...
I suppose I could also see Miyako as the female, too, but I dunno...Miyako's damn hard to read sometimes. I couldn't see Tai playing in such a way, because Tai strikes me as the kinda guy whose gonna let you know when he likes ya. Courage is his trait, afterall. And no offence, but I don't think he could plan something so elaborate (Not saying he's not smart, I just don't see it. "Okay, so I'll leave this box on her door step and then- ah, hell, I'll just tell her!"). And Sora...I don't think she'd've gone to the park.
This piece (of crap) here, I have no idea why I wrote. It came to me in a dream, and because it wasn't some god awful nightmare per usual, I decided that it must be important and something along the lines of Chaotic Intervention, and thus I wrote it. Course, it could also be that I just felt this way myself and had a moment of true identification with Matt's Character and used him as a vessel for my own feelings. By the by, what the clip is up with his character in 02? I mean, I know people change, but it's like he completely lost that hard-core depressive image that he had. There's no way that he could do that in 2-3 years (Whatever), after all, he's just a kid. I know adults that can't change that fast.
Chaos Angel