Beck is so nice to you. You always saw him as an older brother – at least, what most people's older brother would be like. You do have an older brother, but he's a little weird. Beck isn't weird. He's funny and nice and he never calls you names and when you're sad he's always there to give you a hug. If he weren't with Jade, you might want him as your boyfriend. Actually, you do want him as your boyfriend, but you can't tell anyone, because he's with Jade. You can pretend, though. When he ruffles your hair or smiles at you, you pretend that it's more than it actually is. Whenever he fights with Jade, you imagine yourself swooping in and bringing him happiness. You and Beck would never fight, you're sure of it.
But… sometimes, when you're thinking about Beck, there's a nasty mean voice in your head. It's telling you that it wouldn't work out. And that's when your thoughts stray from happiness and lead to the scenario you've played in your mind so many times…
"Cat… Cat, sssshhh." You don't like it when he shushes you. But he's your boyfriend and he probably knows what you should do, so you do your best to be quiet and listen to the teacher. It's not fair, though. Why is that teacher the one who gets to talk all the time? You wanted to tell Beck about the dream you had last night, but he wants to listen to Mr. Farrow instead! What's so important about history anyway? It's all set in stone, written down somewhere and unchangeable. Your dreams are different every time. Also, you're pretty sure that if you don't tell Beck about it soon you'll forget what it was about.
Then you have an idea. Mr. Farrow is talking, so you need to be quiet. But you can be a very quiet kisser… A sly smile finds its way to your face. You sneak your way around Beck and kiss him full on the lips. Something's wrong, though… he's not kissing you back. In fact, as soon as he realises what's going on, he pulls away. Everyone's staring at you, too. Mr. Farrow looks angry, which is strange because you're really sure you were quiet. Then he yells at you and sends you to the guidance counsellor.
Later that day, during lunch, Beck doesn't want to kiss you in front of your other friends. He never refused to kiss you before… Even though you know it's silly, you feel tears welling up in your eyes. Beck tries to soothe things over with soft words, which works temporarily, but you still wish he would just kiss you. You need to know that he still finds you attractive, that he still wants to kiss you.
He doesn't kiss you for the rest of the day, either. At least, not when people are around. He only does it at the end of the final period, when everybody has gone home. He says he's sorry, but that it would be rude to your friends if you just made out all the time. Especially to Jade. You guess he's right, but… he kissed Jade in front of you all the time. And before this morning, he didn't have any problem kissing you when Jade wasn't around. In fact, you're pretty sure he and Jade have done… that at school before. The thought alone makes you blush. Beck notices and asks what you're thinking of.
"Doing it…" The words come out before you can censor yourself. Beck looks at you with eyebrows raised. You try to correct yourself: "I mean, you and Jade… did it, right?" He nods slowly. You gulp. "OK."
"…What about it?" he asks after a moment of silence. "Do you… want to?" You feel like your heart just skipped a beat. You hadn't really thought about actually having sex yourself. You knew other people did it, sure, but you didn't think you would be doing it. Not yet, anyway. On the other hand, Beck doesn't want to kiss you anymore. Maybe you need to show him how much you love him.
You bite your lip and nod. Beck is surprised, but he still takes you to his RV. Once there, he asks if you're sure. You aren't, but you say you are anyway. Then he kisses you. Then he slowly takes off your clothes, and his too. Every step he takes, he gives you a way out. "Can I touch you there? Can I take this off? Does this feel good?" Every time, you say 'yes'. When it comes to that moment, he asks you one more time if you're really sure. You nod and he pushes in.
It hurts. Beck is as gentle as possible, but it still hurts. Once he's all the way in you, he stops moving and gives you time to adjust. The pain is slowly fading, and then it hits you. You're having sex. You've been dating Beck for two weeks and you're already having sex. You're not ready for this. You don't want this. But it's too late to say 'no' now. So when the pain is gone, you tell Beck that he can continue. He does, gently and slowly, and although it feels good, it doesn't feel right.
The next day, Beck still doesn't want to kiss you during class. You can almost feel your heart breaking. You gave him… that, and he still doesn't love you enough to stop caring what the teacher thinks. This time you're unable to hold back the tears, so you storm out of class and cry on the stairway in the main hall. Once you're done crying about Beck not loving you, you cry about losing your virginity. You wanted to give it to someone special, someone you truly loved and who truly loved you back. Instead, you gave it to someone you truly loved to make him truly love you back. It didn't work. You wasted it. Now you'll never get to give it to the right person.
A hand touches your knee. You think it's Beck, but the hand is too slim and pale to be Beck's. Also, you're pretty sure Beck doesn't wear black nail polish.
Jade.
"What. Did. He. Do." You flinch at the harshness in her voice. When you and Beck started going out, Jade yelled at you and said she wasn't your friend anymore. But now she's here and her hand is on your knee and she's asking you what's wrong, so you tell her everything. When you get to the part where he sleeps with you, Jade jumps up. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him!" You try to hold her back, but she shakes you off. "Dump him. The bastard doesn't deserve you." With that, she storms back into the classroom, leaving you all by yourself.
Perhaps Jade wasn't entirely unbiased when it came to Beck. Perhaps you should have thought about it more, waited until it hurts less and given him a chance to explain. And perhaps you yourself were to blame for some of this. Those considerations don't come to mind right now. The next time you see Beck, you tell him that the two of you are done and run home, crying all the way.
You lock yourself in your room, sit on the bed with your knees pulled to your chin and try to ignore the sound of the phone. The bright colours all around you seem like a mockery of the sadness you're feeling, so you close your eyes and curl up. The phone eventually stops ringing. To you, it means that Beck gave up. He accepted it. It's truly over now.
"Hey kiddo."
"Oh… hey Beck."
"Why so down?"
"I've been… thinking."
"About?"
"Nothing."
"You know you can talk to me if you want to, right?"
"Yeah. But I think I'd rather be alone right now."
"…Are you OK, Cat?"
"I'm fine. Really."
"Alright. See you later."
"Bye…"
A/N: This... this is going to be angsty. There's six main characters besides Cat, so six more chapters. None of them will be any happier than this one.
Reviews are appreciated.