One lonely night, I sat alone. I felt nervous for some reason, but not even I could explain it. It was all too complicated for me--even now--to explain the feeling in my heart. I tried to do multiple things to keep it off my mind. Read a book, clean, I even tried to take a nap, but nothing could rid the feeling in my heart.
I sat in front of the fireplace, trying to understand this feeling. My heart was slowly breaking by the minute. As my heart slowly broke, it felt like knives were stabbing me in the heart from the inside. I could even feel my tears welling up, but why? Why was I feeling these emotions? I wanted to let tears trickle down my cheek right there and then, but I wouldn't let myself. There was no reason to... nothing had happened.
I jumped when a moderate-volume ringing interrupted my thoughts. It was only my phone, but I grasped my heart. I felt it finally break into a thousand pieces--most likely even more--... but the worst was yet to come. I picked it up and answered in my fake, cheery voice: "Hello?" I heard crying from the other end.
"Hello?" The voice replied, still sobbing.
"Is that you, 'Mione?"
"I-It's... it's about Harry... Oh, god, Ginny..." Hermione cried even more now.
"Hermione, calm down, okay? What happened to Harry?" Ginny's voice grew more worried.
"Harry... he... he..."
Ginny, feeling very suspended right now, tried to remain calm. "He what?"
"Harry shot himself..."
Ginny felt ready to drop the phone, but she gathered herself together. "He... he what?"
"He shot himself... I found him, lying on the floor next to the kitchen..." Hermione was balling now. "I was visiting him and when I let myself in... I saw him lying there."
'No... it's not true!' Those were the only words I could think of saying, but I only thought them. I didn't have the will to say anything, I could only cry. I kept wishing this were a nightmare, I kept telling myself to wake up and call him. But, I never woke up because this was reality. My best friend, my crush, the one person who I felt most comfortable around was now dead. He had left me all alone in this world.
The world had turned cruel again, it had turned into the one thing I hated most. When Harry began to open up to me, he had told me things that most people may fear. He had told me a secret that not even his best friend knew... only I knew of that secret, but I didn't fear him.
When we had began to spend more time together, the world seemed like a better place. I could stand living in this world because he made it all better. My problems felt like nothing when I was with him, I never needed to tell him what was wrong. He always knew how to get things out of me... he knew me better than anyone. Harry was like the male version of me, like the brother I never had. Things were great... but now it's all gone. He took it all away.
"Ginny?" Hermione said from the phone, still sobbing.
"I'm still here, Hermione," I said in more of a quiet tone, sniffling a little as my tears drenched my face.
"I need to call a few more people..."
"Yeah, sure... I'll talk to you tomorrow..."
"G'night, Ginny..."
"G'night, Hermione and don't be afraid to call."
"Certainly not... bye." I heard the click of Hermione hanging up the phone and did the same.
Once I hung up the phone, I fell to the ground balling. As I balled, Ron had come home from the Three Broomsticks. He had dropped whatever he was carrying and rushed to my side. "Ginny, what's wrong? What happened? Is it something with Mum? What about Dad? Or Bill? Or Charlie? Maybe even Fred or George?"
"No... it's-it's Harry... He killed himself, he shot himself, he's dead, and he's gone..." I was balling even harder now than I was before. What I had said made Ron go silent.
"He can't be, he didn't, he wouldn't!"
"He did... God, Ron!" I pulled Ron into a hug and cried on his shoulder.
Ron froze there, and then finally returned my hug, crying on my shoulder. I never thought I could feel so guilty, so terrible, so lost. I never got to tell him, I never got to tell him that I loved him. He was like my brother, and maybe I loved him more than that (I was still debating). Why couldn't he stay alive? Couldn't he just stay alive for me? For Hermione? For Ron? For anyone? If only he knew I loved him, if only he stayed alive.
If he did stay alive, would I be more stable now? Would my emotions be more understandable to me? Would my heart be whole? If Harry knew that my love was so strong, would he done what he did?
Only four days had past, and on this fourth day was Harry's memorial. It was a rainy day; it had rained a couple times through out the day. But, there were so many people, more people than we expected. I understood why. he was the famous Harry Potter, but I had never seen so many people in my life. I realized how many people really cared about him. How many people were mourning over his death. I didn't expect so many people to show.
As the memorial started, a priest who lived near Harry was speaking. After about ten minutes, the priest called Ron up to speak. I sat there, watching Ron walk up there. He was all dressed up in a suit with a tie and Ron had even fixed up his hair so it was neatly done. Once he got up there, holding the microphone, he began to speak, but ended up crying. Hermione was too overwhelmed to go up there, so I did.
I took a deep breath as I took the microphone. I looked around the room, boosted up my courage, and spoke. "Harry was my best friend. I may not have known him as well at Hermione or Ron, but I knew him pretty well. I knew he had problems and that he felt so terrible about himself deep down. He thought that all he did was hurt people, but what he did for so many people was amazing. He could make someone smile without even trying.
"I remember the times we spent together. How he made me feel safe and content. I even trusted him without having to believe that he would keep my secrets concealed within himself. I could go to him when I was sad and automatically be happy because he made all my problems go away." I began to tear up, I started crying. "And I know that when it was raining, Harry was crying. I know that he's sad right now because he's seeing us cry and us in pain over him." I wanted to ball, but I took a deep breath, gathered my thoughts, and held in my emotions. "I'll always know that when it rains and I'm thinking of him, he cries. When it shines and I'm thinking of him, he's happy.
"I wish he were still here, we all do and I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and stop him from doing what he did, but I can't. He's gone... and I'll never forget his eyes, his smile, or his voice. He'll always be with me in my heart... Thank you." I handed the microphone over to the priest and left the room. I couldn't stand to be in there any longer.
All the pictures of him, most of the Hogwarts's teachers, the flowers that were to die, but most of all, I could feel Harry in the room, watching me. I felt his gaze just watching me. It made everything worse and I couldn't be in there with him watching me. He could see me, but I couldn't see him. This is all worse that it ever would've been because he didn't know. He didn't know about something within me that was to be born. He didn't know about my child... his child... our child.