It took Kevin Ryan a long time to notice it, but, once he did, he couldn't understand how it had taken him so long. The dynamic between himself and his partner had changed. Or, then again, maybe it hadn't; maybe it was always that way and that's why he'd never noticed before.
But surely it wasn't always this way between them? Surely Esposito didn't always stand so close to him whenever he had the chance? Surely their fingers never used to brush so frequently? Surely he would have noticed things like that?
Ryan picked up his pencil and began twirling it in his fingers absently as he watched his partner typing away at his desk.
Maybe this was all just in his head?
At that moment, Esposito sighed and looked up from his computer screen. Their eyes met and he shot him a small smile. Ryan's stomach did a weird fluttery thing and Esposito turned his attention back to his screen. Well that wasn't just in my head, Ryan mused.
He stood silently and walked into the break room to make himself a coffee. While he was waiting for the water to heat up, he let his mind wander, trying to pinpoint the moment when things changed.
There was the time Ryan had broken up with his girlfriend and had gone around to Esposito's for Madden and beer. Even though Esposito had a spacious 3-seater as well as a squishy 2-seater couch, they'd spent the night brushing up against each other on the 2-seater. But, no, they'd done that plenty of times before, so that couldn't have been a pivotal moment.
What about the time he'd hurt his ankle chasing a suspect and Esposito had helped him walk back to the car. He remembered how Esposito's hand was warm pressed against his side. How when he'd lifted his arm over his shoulder, Esposito's breath had tinkled his neck and he'd squeezed his hand gently. But, no, that was just a man helping his injured partner and friend. That couldn't have changed or meant anything.
He sighed as he picked up the two coffee mugs and walked back to his desk. Had he intended to make Esposito a cup? It was just force of habit, he decided. He'd been deep in thought and memory and just made two cups on auto-pilot. No biggy, right?
"Thanks man," Esposito accepted with a smile as he reached for the mug. His hand wrapped around the mug and Ryan's fingers unnecessarily. He seemed to take his time untangling them. Ryan smirked inwardly and moved back to his desk.
He wondered if Esposito had ever noticed that they were different to other partners. That what they seemed to share went beyond partnership, and possibly even friendship. Or maybe Esposito was still blissfully unaware. Still in that state of innocent ignorance that meant he didn't over-analyse every look, every touch.
Ryan would never say anything of course. He simply couldn't ruin whatever it was they had going. Sometimes he had the feeling that what they had now was the best they could ever have and that he shouldn't waste a moment worrying about the future or trying to change the present. If it progressed beyond... whatever the hell right now was... well it might just ruin everything.
So Ryan was more than happy to wait for nature, or fate, or whatever other romantic spin Castle would put on it. He would wait for Esposito to notice what he did, if he ever will. Or wait for someone or something else to come along and make it real, or force the next stage to happen.
But it definitely wouldn't be him. Esposito looked up at him again, catching him staring. He raised an eyebrow and smirked before giving his partner a quick wink. Ryan put one hand against his stomach.
No. He'd never ruin this feeling.