Springfield's Folktale
"Oh, Jebediah Springfield, he was the greatest hero ever known in Springfield, "said old man Wilson, admiring the magnificent bronze statue of Jebediah Springfield across the street.
"Hey everybody, an old man is talking!" The group of children suddenly quieted as they clambered closer to old man Wilson. They all waited for the bus, and since there was nothing else to do, listening to the old man seemed a great deal better than boredom.
"Not many of you youngsters know the brave and harrowing final moments of Jebediah Springfield. It's a tale of courage and ferocity, none the likes that can be found in this day and age."
"The story starts a very, very, very long time ago, well actually, not that long ago. Just two hundred years or so, but in this day and age, anything past yesterday is something you avoid like the retirement home. There was a small settling town called Springfield. The Springfield of the very, very, very past, but not so very long past was thriving. The lemon tree they had planted at the very beginning had just bloomed and the townspeople gorged themselves on lemons, the sweetest fruit they had at the time. The founder of Springfield was none other than Jebediah Obediah Zachariah Jebediah Springfield. Jebediah had established Springfield as a town where we could worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp."
"Cool!" exclaimed the children.
"For making ropes and blankets," old man Wilson finished.
"Ugh," they groaned.
Jebediah was a great and honorable man with his skinned coon hat and fife, which made him look like a real rough and tumble man with a Chuck Berry soft side that turned all the ladies' heads. On this very day, Jebediah was getting the town together to reveal his plan for building the new town hospital.
"Now people of Springfield," Jebdiah stood at the front of the small congregation on top of a small wooden soap box. "There is nothing to fear by building a new hospital. Think of your children being cared for in a nice sterile environment by people who know their way around a broken leg."
"Why can't we just shoot 'em like we do our horses when dey breaks a leg?"
"My baby!" Mrs. Lovejoy screamed, clutching her little Kearney closer to her body. Kearney had broken his leg last week, and it had been an ever long argument as to whether they should shoot him or not. It came down to the fact that Kearney's skill in juggling had saved his life, but other children hadn't been so lucky.
Jebediah calmed the people and continued, his silver tongue wooing the crowd, "You won't have to shoot anybody. People will be able to get sick and then get better. We'll also live a lot longer to see how this great town turns out. We have a real chance to make Springfield and its townspeople the greatest settlement here in our little corner of the world. We could even outlive that garbage heap Shelbyville where they commit the darkest of sins."
The crowd gave a murmuring approval.
"So let's work together to get this hospital built and make Springfield ace-high!"
The crowd cheered giving uproarious applause, hoots, and hollers.
A few of the men gathered around Jebediah and soon they were off carrying with them some fresh buffalo jerky and their axes. As the men walked towards the forest a mile out of town, Jebediah played some tunes on his fife. They finally reached the woods after a long trek. Maybe if they hadn't cut down so many trees when they were building the settlement, the forest would be a little closer to town. But this was a very, very, very long time ago, before deforestation and after apathy.
"Get on with the story!" interrupted one of the children.
"Alright, alright, but this is your world too," said old man Wilson.
"Anyway, they started cutting down the trees and the men would carry back the logs. But the group of burly men had not gone to cut down the strongest logs in the middle of the forest. The strongest trees happened to be in bear territory that was filled with the biggest most ferocious bears. One look at them and they would eat you whole. None of the men were brave enough to enter that place. No one simply walks into bear territory. Except, for Jebediah. He turned to the men and said, "It's the noble spirit that embiggens the smallest man."
Jebdiah took his axe and fife and went into bear territory with his head held high. He was not afraid. He began to cut down the trees, and with all the noise Jebediah was making, it attracted the biggest bear of them all.
And Jebediah fought that bear with his bare hands.
Old man Wilson paused and looked at the children's awe-struck faces.
"What happened to Mr. Springfield? Did the bear get him?" asked an adorable little girl.
"Hell no!" The conclusion struck the children with disgust and disappointment. "But it's the effort that counts. No man can defeat a bear. But Jebediah tried. Why didn't he use his axe, no one knows. Maybe for the glory and the fame? Who knows, but for lunch, that bear ate the greatest man in Springfield history."