TITLE: War
AUTHOR: Rilja (golf_clap@yahoo.com)
RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: Archives are ok, just tell me were it went. Others please
ask first.
DISCLAIMER: Spike belongs to Joss Whedon, and that just sounds so wrong.
FEEDBACK: Yes! Please tell me if I did good.
SPOILERS: BtVS season 6 finale.
SUMMARY: Spike's thoughts on his new 'life'.
NOTE: AU after season 6. Spike never returned, Anya left and Willow's in
England with Giles.
There's nothing like a good orgasm and a smoke to centre yourself. An orgasm a day keeps the padded room away. He feels calm and alive, like he could take on the whole world. The only thing that's missing is someone to share it with, both the orgasm and the world.
There hasn't been anyone for quite some time now. No one to dip the bed when they get in at night, no one to snuggle up to afterwards, no one to nag about him taking up all the space and hogging the covers, no one.
And he supposed that's how it should be. Who would want him anyway, chipped and soulful. Neutered, impotent and defenceless. Before he couldn't hurt humans, now he doesn't want to even if he could. How's that for totally fucked up.
The strange part, and ain't that a laugh, is that he doesn't feel any different. Not guilty or brooding like he's supposed to. Not that there's so many vampires with a soul running around that there is a norm, just.
Of course he looks back at what he's done, what the demon has done, and feels regrets and a bit of disgust, but that's all in the past and nothing he can do anything about anyway.
He guesses he should be trying to atone, to find his redemption, but why? It wasn't him that did all those things anyway; he wasn't even there. And then he starts to wonder who he really is now. Is he a demon with a soul or a soul with a demon? Who's in charge, or is he just Spike with both a demon and a soul? 'Cause sometimes he thinks there's several voices screaming at him at once, each wanting something different.
So, he continues to keep things simple. He feeds from bags, 'cause he has to since the chip, and tries not to think of what he would do if it weren't there. He doesn't get into fights 'cause he doesn't know if he should be rooting for the demons or the humans. And he sleeps alone, 'cause he doesn't know whom he would want to wake up beside.
He keeps things simple, takes it one day at a time, and all is right in the world, except for the ongoing war in his head.
So, what did you think? Tell me at golf_clap@yahoo.com.
There's nothing like a good orgasm and a smoke to centre yourself. An orgasm a day keeps the padded room away. He feels calm and alive, like he could take on the whole world. The only thing that's missing is someone to share it with, both the orgasm and the world.
There hasn't been anyone for quite some time now. No one to dip the bed when they get in at night, no one to snuggle up to afterwards, no one to nag about him taking up all the space and hogging the covers, no one.
And he supposed that's how it should be. Who would want him anyway, chipped and soulful. Neutered, impotent and defenceless. Before he couldn't hurt humans, now he doesn't want to even if he could. How's that for totally fucked up.
The strange part, and ain't that a laugh, is that he doesn't feel any different. Not guilty or brooding like he's supposed to. Not that there's so many vampires with a soul running around that there is a norm, just.
Of course he looks back at what he's done, what the demon has done, and feels regrets and a bit of disgust, but that's all in the past and nothing he can do anything about anyway.
He guesses he should be trying to atone, to find his redemption, but why? It wasn't him that did all those things anyway; he wasn't even there. And then he starts to wonder who he really is now. Is he a demon with a soul or a soul with a demon? Who's in charge, or is he just Spike with both a demon and a soul? 'Cause sometimes he thinks there's several voices screaming at him at once, each wanting something different.
So, he continues to keep things simple. He feeds from bags, 'cause he has to since the chip, and tries not to think of what he would do if it weren't there. He doesn't get into fights 'cause he doesn't know if he should be rooting for the demons or the humans. And he sleeps alone, 'cause he doesn't know whom he would want to wake up beside.
He keeps things simple, takes it one day at a time, and all is right in the world, except for the ongoing war in his head.
So, what did you think? Tell me at golf_clap@yahoo.com.