A/N: Because there are no such things as monsters. My face was sticky with tears as I wrote this, I've never had that happen before. I never thought of Hiashi as so lost until he came up to me and asked me to write this for him.
"For 'Zashi." He said, his voice cracking and his white eyes glistening. "I've done him wrong so many times, I wish that somehow I could ever make it up to him."
After writing this for him, I think I wish that too.
N e v e r C r i e d B e f o r e
Hiashi had never cried in his life before, and he found that the bitter, almost salty taste of the tears made him want to throw up.
Hiashi had never cried before, not like this. He hadn't even let tears fall when their father had died, even after the others left and it had only been he and Hizashi.
Hizashi.
His brother's name was a curse on his tongue, he spat it out like it tasted sour but even then it sounded almost like a sob.
But Hiashi never cried, grown men who led clans and had families didn't cry.
Strangely enough, it had always been Hizashi who'd cried for the both of them. He'd been a calm boy, collected and so much the perfect child that sometimes even Hiashi could tell their father wished their births had been the other way around. But somehow he'd been the emotional one, he'd been the only one crying when Hiashi broke his arms in an ambush and had a 90% chance of never fighting again. Hizashi had been the one laughing, if falsely, when their mother would poke fun at the 'lesser Hyuuga'. Hizashi had been the only one smiling when Hinata was born.
Hinata.
A part of Hiashi wanted to kill her. It was a small part, a part that hadn't surfaced in years, the part that kicked puppies and drank soda and fought with Nara Shikaku about the best way to go about taking down whole armies single-handedly. This part of him screamed for revenge, for vengeance, because it was all her fault for being so goddamned pathetic. He thought this a lot, on a daily basis even, but never so strongly, never so strongly he wanted to throttle her and scream and ask her if she thought the trade had been worth it.
"Brother," Hizashi had spoken in his stern voice, the calm one, the one that won arguments without him raising even a finger. "I am not doing my duty as a member of the branch family, but as a brother. I've done you wrong so many times Hiashi, let me finally make it up to you."
Hiashi sat down on his bed roughly, hugged his pillow in his arms and buried his face in it like he was five.
He wasn't crying.
Hyuuga didn't cry.
"My son does not deserve this life."
His brother's voice hissed in his ears.
"I will not have you treat my son as if he is only trash to be walked upon! Is he not your nephew? Is he not as precious to you as your Hinata is to me?"
Hyuuga Hiashi had never cried before, his face was sticky and he didn't like how it made him feel like a kid again. But it bubbled up inside him and he couldn't keep it in. He could hear sobbing from across the hall, the loud wailing of a four year old boy, but Hiashi didn't care. Hiashi didn't love that boy, that thing that his brother looked at with so much love in his eyes it made him sick.
Hyuuga didn't love.
"Know your place!" Hiashi shouted, he wanted to kill him right there, to kick him and stab him and feel his heart stop beating. He couldn't stand the look in his wide white eyes, even now, the look of pointed defiance.
"Father?" Neji asked in panic and worry, touching his father's crouching, shaking form with a nervous hand.
"And you!" Hiashi rounded on him, never bothering to release the seal because now he was hearing the man's groans of pain and it felt good. Neji backed away, his eyes widening in fear, and somewhere in the back of Hiashi's mind he had to push back the rising bile of self-hatred and disgust.
"Fa- father?"
Hiashi heard the knocking on his door, as soft and shy as his daughter's voice. He gripped the pillow tightly in his fingers, he wanted to cry and scream and tell her how much he loved her.
"Yes Hinata?"
His voice was so steady, so unbearably not-sad he had to clench his fists even tighter.
"Fifty-seven seconds." Hizashi snarled, holding his finger in Hiashi's face threateningly. "Fifty-seven seconds brother, that is all that separates you from I. Don't you dare, for one moment, think that makes you any better."
"I-" Her voice cracks. "I'm-"
"Yes Hinata?"
Even he knew his voice was too harsh, but with every word he could feel the walls closing in on him, and it didn't matter anyways.
Hyuuga didn't love.
"Ne- never mind." Hinata squeaked, light footsteps padding away quickly.
Hiashi pretended not to feel guilty.
He could still remember the look on Hiashi's face as he'd sealed Neji, the look of frustration and horror and fear and self-loathing and hatred. He'd met the man's eyes just for a fleeting moment, but he'd flinched. Hiashi would never forget the look of pure, sadistic satisfaction in Hizashi's face right then, so unlike the Hizashi he thought he'd known for so long.
"I'm not going to let you!" Hiashi shouted, watching the man collapse as his eyes widened with pain and he let out a small gasp. His palms hit the floor with a bang, but Hizashi looked up. Hiashi had expected his angry face, the face that said 'I hate you' and 'You are a monster'.
"Hiashi- you- you can't stop me-" Hizashi gasped, fighting through the pain to force a small smile.
Hiashi, as he saw that same smile Hizashi gave him when he broke his leg the first time, and the second and the third, had to keep himself from crying, but it wasn't that hard. Hyuuga never cried. He never cried. Instead he felt his face grow hotter.
"You do what you're told!" Hiashi knew he was acting childish but every grunt of pain and wheeze of breath made it just a little bit easier.
"The clan- still- needs you-" Hizashi tried to look him in the eyes again, but Hiashi looked away.
"What does the clan need with a leader who is such coward he cannot face when his time has come!"
"I won't- let- you-"
Hiashi threw the pillow at the floor, it was wet and hot and stupid, and he lay on his side.
"With me." Hizashi whispered, looking at him and holding his hand firmly against the knife's grip with his own.
"I can't." Hiashi's hushed voice cracked, and for once he didn't even care that people surrounded them, people who mattered and thought he was invincible.
"Brother, I am not doing my duty as a member of the branch family, but as your brother." Hizashi spoke firmly, and before Hiashi could react he'd pulled the knife towards him and into his chest, and the blood was soaking their fingers together and as Hizashi dropped to the ground Hiashi was there to catch him.
"I've done you wrong so many times Hiashi, let me finally make it up to you…"
Now the tears slid down his face sideways, over the bridge of his nose and into his other eye so that it blurred and he couldn't see the wall across from him.
Hiashi didn't like crying, but every time his name appeared in his mind and danced on his tongue he felt his eyes tingling, and something in his chest screamed.
If Hyuuga couldn't love then they couldn't feel longing or loss, but Hiashi didn't know what else to call it, this pain.
"Hiashi, you're late again." Hizashi said in a tired voice, rubbing his forehead with his fingers before turning to face the memorial stone.
"I got caught up with an Inuzuka." Hiashi crinkled his nose in distaste. "Disgusting creatures."
Hizashi laughed quietly, almost like a woman.
In the silence Hiashi's gaze rose to the boy's forehead, bare and pale and green-inked.
"Why don't you ever cover that seal up?"
Hizashi smiled knowingly, grabbing Hiashi's hand in his and clenching it tightly.
"The clan asked me to pledge my allegiance to you forever with this mark. It isn't a burden. I can't think of anything worse in the world than losing you."
Hiashi was taken aback but managed a small smile in return, abashed.
"You too 'Zashi. I can't think of anything worse in the world than you dying either, I think I might just cry."
To his surprise Hizashi scowled at that of all things, and it shattered his porcelain-doll mask of a face.
His voice was almost bitter and mocking as he spoke.
"Hyuuga never cry."