Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure Richelle Mead would definitely put her characters through the same horror I'm about to put them through. However, I still don't own anything. I'm sure Richelle would be very proud of this torture :D

RPOV:

I watched my best friend play with her three year old daughter, the youngest of three kids.

"Rose, I'm pregnant," Lissa announced out of the blue, beaming.

Inside, a surge of bitterness and jealousy filled me. On the outside, I slapped a smile onto my face. "Congrats, Lissa!" I exclaimed happily.

Lissa smiled, her eyes bright, returning her attention to her daughter once more. "I'm going to tell Christian tonight," she said excitedly. Having three children hadn't lessened the excitement of another pregnancy.

"Tell me what?" Speak of the devil and he shall appear. We looked up to see Christian leaning in the doorway. Careless for me to not notice, especially after being a guardian for so long, but my mind was still distracted by Lissa's news.

"Christian!" Lissa said happily, standing up to hug him.

"And that's my cue to leave," I said, walking out.

"Bye, Rose!" Lissa called.

"Bye."

I began walking home, to the apartment Dimitri and I shared. I was thirty now, Dimitri thirty-seven. When I first met Dimitri at seventeen, when we first began our life together, at eighteen, I was sad that I couldn't give him children, but to me it wasn't really a loss. At eighteen, kids weren't on my radar.

Now that I'd been with Dimitri for a dozen years, watching Lissa and Christian get married and start their own family, I wanted nothing more than to have the same thing. I wanted my own little Rose or Dimitri. I wanted to go through the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth just to get my own little one.

I couldn't. Dimitri and I would never have that.

A burning sensation manifested itself in my nose, a pushy feeling behind my eyes. I gritted my teeth, trying not to cry.

I could see how much Dimitri wanted a child. I could see the sadness and desire in his eyes when he was around children, when we babysat for Lissa and Christian.

It killed me that I couldn't give him that. Every time I saw it, a part of me shriveled up into a ball of acidic pain, searing me. I was terrified that one day he would say that he was leaving me for some Moroi who could give him a family. I knew we should talk about it, but I was so afraid that he would leave me again I never broached the topic.

I paused at the door to my apartment, wiping away a stray tear. I looked at my hand, my bare hand. It was worn and weathered, from years of hard training and fighting. not the hands of a mother and wife, but those of a warrior. No ring rested on my finger. Despite our talk of marriage in our younger years, by the time I was ready to consider it, our lives were too busy. Now, we seemed to fade into the background. We never spoke of it anymore.

Our love was still strong, of course. We were happy without being married. After all, it was just a piece of paper. Even though both of us were busy guarding the Queen and her King, we always found time for each other, especially during the holidays. It'd been a wonderful twelve years.

I took a couple of deep breaths to pull myself together, before opening the door.

I walked into a silent house. Frowning, I took off my shoes and jacket. I could have sworn Dimitri was home.

"Comrade?" I stood in the kitchen listening for any noise.

Maybe he's asleep, I thought.

I crept down the hallway to our bedroom. The door was cracked open. My frown deepened and I pulled out my stake cautiously.

When I stepped through the door, the sight that met my eyes knocked all the breath out of me.

"Dimitri." His name left my mouth in an agonized whisper.

His head snapped up, guilt clouding his eyes.

"Roza," he whispered, voice hoarse.

Dimitri was sitting on the bed, holding pictures of Lissa's kids and his own nieces and nephews. Tears were pooled in his eyes, his, emotionless mask down to reveal a deep pool of agony and yearning and loss. He was revealing a side he fought to hide for my own good.

Dimitri bowed his head, burying it in his hands. "I thought you would stay with Lissa longer," he mumbled. "I'm sorry."

How often did he wallow in pain in the privacy of our home?

Slowly, I approached him. I sat down on the bed carefully, making sure to not sit on the pictures that I now saw were scattered on the blanket.

"Dimitri," I whispered once more. It seemed I was unable to say anything else.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he murmured, voice muffled by his hands. "I'm sorry."

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. My mind was trapped in the image of Dimitri, crying over the pain of a child he would never have.

"I'm...sorry," I whispered brokenly. The tears I'd kept at bay earlier spilled over finally.

"Oh, honey, no!" Dimitri exclaimed, coming to life suddenly. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me into his lap. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault, never think that." He peppered me with small kisses, rocking me gently. Like a child.

The floodgate burst. I'd kept my building want for a child to myself, not wanting to hurt Dimitri. As far as he knew, my views on kids hadn't changed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I babbled, tears splashing.

"Oh, Roza, Roza, Roza," Dimitri whispered, his hand stroking my hair as I ruined his shirt. "Love, it's not your fault. It's not. I'm okay. I'm happy with you. I won't ever leave you. I love you."

"I want a baby," I blurted out.

Dimitri froze. There wasn't a sound in the room aside from my sobs. He wasn't even breathing.

After several long moments, his hand began stroking my hair again, slowly, mechanically.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed again, knowing my words had shattered him. "I'm sorry. I love you too. I just-" I broke off.

"Roza," Dimitri breathed, and pulled away enough to look at me. He searched my eyes, my face.

What did he see? Did he see my deep well of pain, even bigger than his own since it was me who couldn't bare the child? My puffy, tear-stained face pleading with him to understand? My apology, begging him to forgive my incompetence and the pain I caused him?

Whatever he saw caused him to crush me into his chest again.

"Oh, Roza, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Dimitri murmured, voice shaking, and I knew he was crying.

"Don't cry," I blubbered out, fighting my own tears.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to hurt you," I said thickly.

"Roza, you should have told me. I could have...I don't know," he said helplessly. We were silent for a few moments.

"Roza," Dimitri started, voice thick. "If - if you want - I mean...you could arrange - I mean." He took a deep, pain filled breath. "I'll look the other way."

I stared at him, uncomprehending. What did he mean? Look the other way? Why?

Slowly, slowly, it dawned on me. He was willing to look the other way if I wanted to cheat on him and get pregnant!

I leaped off of him, shocked. No, more than shocked. I finally understood the expression, 'you could have knocked me over with a feather.' Right now, a soft sigh would have flattened me. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. My lungs squeezed together, making it hard to breath. "What? No! No! Why would you - no! God no!" I could barely speak.

I started pacing in front of the bed, trying to come to terms with what he just said. Movement forced me to distinguish between my thoughts a bit, helping me figure this out. "Why would you even consider that an option? You want me to, what, cheat on you with some Moroi in hopes of me getting pregnant? God. It's like...ugh, I am not a blood whore!" Once the initial shock wore off, I realized I was genuinely hurt. It was like he wanted a child more than our love. I wished I could shut my brain off.

"What did you expect me to say?" Dimitri snapped back; anger fueled by the pain keeping us going now. "It's not like we can adopt a dhampir child or even a Moroi one from an orphanage. Those don't exist!"

"Well, you didn't have to suggest lending me out to some dick as if I was some toy," I snarled. "I'm not some whore who's willing to open her legs to anyone, just so I can get pregnant. There's already dhampirs for that."

"What's that supposed to mean? You're saying the only thing dhampir women who are stay at home moms are good for is sex and reproduction? How very Moroi of you to think that," Dimitri barked back.

I closed my eyes. In the light of his earlier offer, every word was a blow. I opened them after taking a deep breath.

Dimitri ran his hands over his face. "Rose, I'm sorry." He opened his arms for me, indicating that he wanted me to join him.

I shook my head, still stinging from his offer. Turning to the window, I wrapped my arms around my middle.

I heard Dimitri sigh, then the bed shifted as he stood up. Coming up behind me, he wrapped his arms around my folded ones, pulling me into his chest.

"Roza, I'm sorry I said that. I just..." He exhaled. "I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be hurt. If it means you have to go to someone else for it..." he hesitated. "As long as you're happy." Dimitri buried his face in my hair.

The tension left my body. He was only trying to give me what I craved the only way he knew how.

"We could do in vitro fertilization," popped out of my mouth, and not for the first time, I cursed my impulse control. Though it had gotten better in the last decade it still didn't hold a candle to Dimitri's control.

"What's that?" Dimitri asked, confused.

I frowned. Didn't he know? Then I remembered that all the research I'd done had been in secrecy. Now he knew. The cat was out of the bag now.

My voice was sheepish as I explained. "Well, I looked into some options for us. One was an IVF. A doctor would take some of my eggs or your sperm and fertilize the eggs, mine or someone else's, in a petri dish, test tube, whatever. Then it's put back into me and voila! I'm pregnant. Of course, we would have to have one or the other donated, but at least the child will be half you or half me."

Silence.

Then, "How long have you known and thought about this?" His voice was very even.

I shrugged. "About a month. I wanted to tell you, but it never seemed to be the right time, plus we have no donor," I explained.

Dimitri sighed. "You should have told me anyway," he murmured. His tone implied that he wasn't only talking about the alternatives.

I nodded. "Sorry." We were saying that a lot today.

We stayed that way for a few minutes. The emotions I'd just experienced had drained me. All I wanted now was to curl up with Dimitri and sleep.

I wiggled out of his arms and approached the bed. Carefully, I picked the pictures up and replaced them to their respective places before undressing and sliding into bed. Dimitri watched me, his dark eyes following my every move.

"Join me?" I raised my eyebrows. Dimitri nodded and undressed before climbing into bed next to me.

We snuggled together, enjoying the silence and peace of the moment.

"Can we try that?" Dimitri's tone was shy, uncertain.

"Try what?" I inquired curiously.

"The - the IVF," he explained.

I swallowed. "You - you want to try it? But..." I trailed off, gazing into his eyes. I recalled the image of him crying over the pictures of children that were not his, then looked into my own desires. "How - I mean, who...?"

Dimitri shrugged. "Adrian, maybe? Or Christian..." he said uncertainly.

I wrinkled my nose thoughtfully. "Adrian would probably be the best bet. I feel kind of uncomfortable asking Lissa and Christian of this. They're my family. Lissa is my sister. That's like...incest."

Dimitri chuckled. "We'll have to talk to Adrian."

I gave a long-suffering sigh. "Jeez, can you imagine how awkward that conversation is going be?" I muttered.

"Are we really doing this?" Dimitri asked hopefully, his eyes bright, alight with happiness, true, full happiness. For the first time in months, I realized with a jolt.

"If that's what you want," I replied, smiling slightly.

Dimitri shook his head. "No, only if both of us want this. I don't want it to be only for me," he said sternly.

I thought about it for a long moment. "Yes," I said finally. "Yes, I would love that."

It took us seven months to finally get pregnant. The conversation with Adrian had gone surprisingly well. He had understood our dilemma and was ready to help. After all, he owed me big time for convincing Sydney to finally be with him.

The issue had been with the actually pregnancy, or more specifically, actually getting pregnant. I don't know how many trials we'd gone through before I finally tested positive.

It seemed as though my eggs just didn't want to fertilize. When they finally did, the embryo hadn't formed properly in my uterus. The second to last time we tried, I'd actually managed to carry the child for almost a month before having a miscarriage. After that, Dimitri and I almost gave up.

I stared blankly at the hospital wall. I'd just had a miscarriage and couldn't find it in me to do anything but breathe. Even that was difficult at times.

"Roza," Dimitri whispered, taking my hand. "It isn't your fault."

"It is. All this time, it was always me. I'm the one who can't bear your children. Apparently, I can't bear anyone's." I blinked, my eyes dry.

"Roza." Dimitri sighed. "I - I can't handle this anymore." I froze. No. "I can't stand seeing you in so much pain. No more. This is the last time."

"We can try with an egg and your sperm," I said softly. I couldn't find it in me to give up the dream of children, no matter how ludicrous it seemed now. "Mia said she would donate."

Dimitri closed his eyes. "Roza, my Roza. I think we both know that the issue isn't-" he cut himself off, opening his eyes.

My lip trembled and my eyes blurred. "It is my fault," I whispered brokenly.

Dimitri wrapped his arms around me tightly, holding me together as much as himself. "It's not, love, it's not. It isn't within your control. I just hate to see you in so much pain. Maybe Mia could try being a surrogate, once? I just can't stand seeing so much agony in your eyes."

Sobs wracked my body. "One more time," I whimpered. "One more time, then I'll give up. I want to carry my baby. I want to feel it kick. I want it to be a part of me."

Dimitri nodded. "Yes, okay, one last time. Do you want to try with another one of your eggs?" he asked anxiously.

I shook my head. "Let's try Mia's. Then, if that doesn't work..." I trailed off, not ready to face what would happen if it didn't work. My fragile psyche couldn't handle it after the failures of the recent past.

"Alright," Dimitri murmured. "I'll talk to Mia."

I nodded, taking strength from him. "I love you, Dimitri," I whispered.

"I love you too, my Roza," he whispered back.

As agreed, he talked to Mia the next day. By now, Lissa almost nine months along, ready to burst any minutes. She had a healthy child growing within her, the pregnancy glow radiating off of her. After the first three months of failures, I had to stop guarding her. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as her without the pain taking over. So I'd been assigned to a desk job, something that didn't bother me for once.

We waited several weeks to allow my body to recover before trying again, this time with Mia's egg and Dimitri's sperm. This time, the pregnancy held.

Dimitri and I were both afraid to hope, dreading the worst. However, as my pregnancy progressed, we became more relaxed, yet more cautious. We treated it as a high risk pregnancy, and really, it was. I was stuck on desk duty, but I didn't complain. I was too worried about my child, though I let Dimitri worry for me as much as possible. Stress during pregnancy was bad.

Dimitri waited on me hand and foot, and though it irritated me, the first time our baby kicked, all irritation evaporated, replaced by joy.

At thirty-one, I finally had my own little darling angel. Dimitri and I both doted on our little boy, who received Dimitri's brown hair and brown eyes, but retained some of Mia's features, like her wavy hair. I didn't mind - much - and was eternally grateful to Mia for allowing me to have a child when all seemed lost.

Though having our child had caused much pain and suffering, I would never go back. Now, as I watched my four month old angel sleeping peacefully in his crib, I could find no regret. Yes, it cost a lot to have a child and at times Dimitri and I struggled. Yes, it was tiring having to be woken up at all hours of the night. Yes, it had been a bit strenuous on our relationship to not have a single moment alone in the last four months, but in the end, it was worth it. Having Landon Mason Belikov was worth everything in the world.

A/N: Sorry for making you cry, if I did. I know I cried while writing this. My friends were very concerned for my mental state...lol. Sorry also for not updating any stories. School was kicking my butt. Plus, I have become obsessed with Richelle Mead's other series, Georgina Kincaid. Anyone read it? I'm in desperate need to discuss it :P I'm on book four...

Thank you to Nicia for betaing this!