Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon. Toei Animation does.
Summary: Matt has the hiccups. Tai and the rest of the Digidestined attempt to cure them. Nothing good can come of this naturally.
Third Time's The Charm
It was an unforeseen side affect. The end result in engaging in a contest of who could chug down x amount of cans of soda in so many minutes at one of the Digidestined's parties at his apartment. Matt supposed there must have been some incentive for him to actually decide to participate in such a mindless game, but he really couldn't remember what at the moment. Of course that might have been because he was too busy trying his hardest not to fall prey to the panic attack that was creeping up on him due to his non-stop hiccupping—all his efforts to stop failing dismally.
"Hic!"
"Wow, I never knew humans could make such a sound before!" DemiVeemon exclaimed wide-eyed, clapping his paws together in applause.
"Hic-hic-hic!"
"It sounds like he's got a whole army of fur-balls trying to come out," Gatomon said.
"Hic-hic-HIC-hiiiiiic!"
"Watch out, I think he's gonna pop!" Patamon shouted as Matt's face flared a brilliant, tomato-red as he struggled to breathe, and every Digimon ducked for cover.
"HIC!" came the loud squeak out of Matt's mouth as he struggled valiantly to form words.
"Of all the stupid ideas you boys have ever come up with, this was by far the worse," Sora stated clearly not amused.
"Honestly, we leave you all alone for five minutes and you decide to entertain yourselves by killing your brain cells off via carbonated drinks?" Mimi scoffed disgustedly.
"Hi-hiiic!"
"Whose bright idea was this anyway?" Sora demanded, hands on her hips as she narrowed her eyes at the group of sheepish-looking males.
"I only brought the soda!" Davis protested, waving his hands frantically.
"Well, I thought it would be an interesting experiment of sorts," Izzy confessed laughing nervously.
"No, it's alright, Izzy. You only backed me up. It was totally my idea!" Tai admitted, nobly taking the blame.
"Of course," Sora sighed. "Joe, I'm surprised at you, joining in on this type of behavior when obviously no good could come of it."
"HIC-HIC-HIC!"
Joe spent a good several seconds staring at his two index fingers that he was steepling together embarrassedly.
"They ganged up on you again, didn't they?" Mimi assessed shrewdly, pursing her lips.
"You older boys should think of more ways to be good role models and set better examples for the younger ones to follow," Sora chided. "Dragging them into your wild schemes…"
"No," Kari said. "We can tell…"
"They went along willingly," Yolei voiced darkly.
Davis, Ken, T.K., and Cody all gulped fearfully, breaking out in a cold sweat at the twin disapproving glares that were blasted their way.
"Well, figuring out the cause and blame certainly isn't going to put an end to this," Sora gestured towards Matt who had finally managed to gain slight control over his vocal cords to speak coherently (enough).
"I-hic-h-have-hic-a-hic-concert-hic-tomorrow-hic-night! I-hic-can't-hic-sing-hic-like-this!" Matt howled in frustration.
"Calm down, Matt, it'll be fine," Tai tried to console his friend.
"Well, there's technically no cure—" Joe spoke up tentatively.
"ARGH-HIC! I'm-hic-gonna-hic-kill-hic-yoooou!" Matt roared diving for Tai's throat with his bare hands.
Tai leaned backwards so all that Matt caught was the front of his shirt which he shook crazily, hiccupping a steady stream right in his face, his already-red face turning purple and eyes bulging like a bullfrog.
Tai couldn't help it. He burst out laughing hysterically.
"D-damn-hic-you-hic-Tai!" Matt swore as Tai laughed so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks.
"Let's not give up just yet. There may be no cure but there are lots of different methods for stopping hiccups," Joe stated.
Matt looked up hopefully.
"That's right!" Izzy said chipping in. "I mean, there's no sure thing that any will be successful… but remember," he continued hastily as Matt's face fell, "it was Thomas Edison who said 'If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward'!"
Matt's right eye was going off in convulsive spasms. "What-hic…" he bit out, "DOES-HIC-THAT-HIC-EVEN-HIC-MEAN?"
"I think it means that you're about to become science's or at least our new guinea pig, Matt," Tai explained helpfully.
oOo
The Water Method
Attempt #1.
"No seriously, the body is made up of seventy percent water and he's had like five cups now and no luck. If you give him another—"
"Izzy, I don't think he will spontaneously start to dissolve into a puddle if we do this again."
"Maybe if we try putting a new spin on the technique…"
Matt found a pencil shoved between his lips and another glass of water pressed into his hand without warning.
"Now drink all the water without it falling out," Tai said.
The pencil slipped sideways after only a few gulps threatening to slide down his throat point first and Matt spit it out from pure reflex, certain he was going to choke on it. Realizing he hadn't hiccupped for several seconds, he dared to start hoping…
"Hic!"
"Hmm, no change," Tai mused, one hand cupped to his chin and looking far too much like a mad scientist obsessed with their most recent test run. "I know! Try bending over upside down and drink the water from the opposite side of the glass!"
"Wha-hic-at?"
"Do it!" Tai ordered, a crazed gleam shining in his eyes.
All Matt succeeded in doing was gaining two nostrils full of liquid that had him hacking his lungs out for a short spell.
"Hic-HIC!"
"No dice either," Tai said. "How about then—"
Matt stood up, his clothes dripping wet, and dumped the remaining contents of his glass over Tai's head.
"NO-HIC-WAY!"
oOo
Miscellaneous Methods
Attempt #2.
Matt had been forced to stick out his tongue straight and hold it. He had been forced to hold his breath for ten seconds. To stand on his head for a full minute. To swallow a spoonful of sugar. He had been forced to pinch his nose together and spin around in a circle clockwise singing "Row-row-row-your boat" and then spin around counter-clockwise singing "Mary had a little lamb" both five times in a row.
All to no avail of course.
Quite frankly, he was getting fed up with his hiccups.
"Hahahaha, oh man, this is the best party ever!" Tai chortled holding his stomach. "Hey, make him recite the peach tongue twister and do the funky chicken dance! Hahaha!"
And his friends, he really was getting fed up with his so-called friends.
"I made popcorn," T.K. announced coming back from the kitchen carrying a large bowl full.
"TEE-HIC-KAY!" he yelped feeling the brunt sting of betrayal.
"Sorry, Matt, but we need to our daily intake of nourishment to help our brains think up more ideas if we ever want to get you cured before your concert tomorrow," T.K. said giving him his best apologetic puppy-eyes look.
Darn his brother and his puppy eyes.
Darn Tai and his stupid soda-drinking contest.
Darn his perpetual hiccups!
"Whyyy-hic-meeee-hiiiiiiiiic?" he wailed to the ceiling, eyes watering as his sanity hanged by a thread.
"I think he's cracked, guys," Sora said looking a little worried. "Maybe we should call a doctor."
"Oh, he's just being a Drama Queen, that's all," Tai declared, getting up and walking over to where Mat stood. "Oi," he said, tapping him lightly on the forehead. "Stop with the theatrics already."
There was no response from Matt except for the perfectly-timed hiccups as he stared off into the distance, his eyes glazed over and unfocused.
"Davish, do hiccups turn people into zombies?" DemiVeemon whispered peering out at the scene from underneath the couch.
"I dunno. I never seen someone have them for as long as Matt has though, so… yeah, maybe?" Davis said, edging slowly away.
"Oh, for the love of—" Tai said, an irritated expression sifting across his face. "Alright, Matt, fine. If you insist on letting hysterics take over you like this, I guess we really do need to call for help."
The sound of the front door opening resounded throughout the apartment complex.
"Was Matt expecting anyone else?" Kari asked T.K.
"I don't think so," he said puzzled.
"Hmm?" Tai said, blinking at the figure who had appeared somewhere behind Matt. "Oh, hey, Jun!" he cried, "Could you give Matt a ride to the hospital on your moped? You'd really be doing us all a favor!"
Matt jolted like someone had zapped him with a ten-thousand volts of electricity.
"YEEEAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!" he screamed in horror, whirling around and seeing…
"Dad?" he croaked in relief, the room tilting dizzily around him.
"I finished work up early and came home," Hiroaki Ishida said looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Just what are you kids up to in here?"
"Trying to cure Matt's hiccups," T.K. shared.
Everyone waited for a second.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
"Hey, they're gone!" Matt exclaimed elated, clutching at his chest. "And Jun's not here—you did that on purpose!" he yelled, rounding on Tai angrily.
"Shya," Tai said arms crossed looking very smug.
The Scare Method.
Attempt #3.
Success!
"You jerk," Matt snarled punching him on the arm.
"Looks like you kids had fun," Mr. Ishida commented.
"Oh, you should have seen him!" Tai declared, launching into another fit of laughter. "Hahahahaha-HIC!"
An evil grin slowly spread itself across Matt's face at Tai's terrified expression.
Oh, revenge was going to be so sweet.
The End
A/N: Ta-da! Look who's back! This hit me at midnight per usual as many of my digific plots come to me then. I had to type it up all at once. Just some light-hearted humor and yes, I am working on the next chapter of The Alternative Factor. I'm half-way done. I had to get this out of my system though, I'm sure you understand. And yes, every afore-mentioned "cure" for hiccups is real. The method, that is. There are some very creative ones out there. You should all take a look.
The peach tongue twister Tai was referring to goes like this: Sumomo mo momo, momo mo momo, sumomo mo momo mo momo no uchi. (Translation: plums and peaches are in the peach family). Yeah, try and say that. It's hilariously hard. How many would place bets that Matt is going to make Tai say this? Muwahahaha!
I would love to hear what your favorite parts were. Please review; a fanfic author gets paid in nothing else! Thank you, I hope you had fun reading!