Darkness and silence filled the apartment in the very early morning hours. Emma sat by the window letting the moonlight filter in through the open curtains. Sleep had eluded her and after countless hours of staring at the ceiling in the loft, she moved down to the couch in the living area. She sat with her knees pulled to her chest, with her chin resting on the peak of her knees. The silence in the room was both comforting and deafening. After years of being on her own, sometimes she just needed space to sort out her thoughts without being surrounded by people. No matter who the people were, no matter how much they cared about her, sometimes their concern was smothering. But in the same regard, she had over the past year grown to expect to have someone next to her when she was having a hard time or during any time really. There always seemed to be someone wherever she turned. But now in the dead of night, she was alone with her thoughts as she stared out the window.
The stars twinkled in the sky above, thousands of little speckles of light dancing across the sky. She couldn't keep her mind from journeying to the movie she had seen as a child about a wish on a bright star that changed the life of a small town puppeteer. It amazed her that the classic movie that she knew and loved as a child was real, she was surrounded by the real cast of the movie. Real, live people that truly existed. And that little wooden boy that she had known longer than anyone else in this world, a boy she didn't remember from when the curse was cast, but a man that quickly worked his way into her heart, a man that as soon as she met she had a connection to. It hurt more than she expected it to that that man was now gone. The adult that she had shared adventures with in this small town, the man that knew her past better than anyone else was gone. His adulthood was stolen from him and he was back to being a small boy with no memories of his past. His whole life was erased and now he was back to that moment when he was originally changed into a real boy. A boy without strings, a boy who could make his own choices and maybe this go round he could be successful.
She knew his life, she knew his obstacles and had been given the very same opportunities as a child sent through this horrible world alone and in a system that could not care less about them. She couldn't deny that she had more than once wished that August had stayed with her, had been her family from the day that they had been sent to this world. She wished that they could have grown up as siblings and had always been together. More than that she wished she could have known him for longer. She felt robbed of time with her friend. She felt like she had barely begun to know him and now his memory was wiped clean and she was now left with memories that will never be reciprocated.
How had her life become so insanely complicated? How had she gotten to where she was now, in this world where she was the same age of as her fairytale parents? Her royal fairytale parents, the one and only Snow White and Prince Charming? How did she come to share a child with Rumplestilskin's son and The Evil Queen? She shook her head trying to overcome the absurdness of her life. And yet, she decided that she wouldn't change a thing that led up to this life. She wouldn't change her life, because if she changed one thing she wouldn't be the person that she was now. She wouldn't be in a place where she could be so strong for her family who needed her. She wouldn't be a person that would be so open to the family she was given and reunited with. She wouldn't be with her mom and her dad and her son. And even though his betrayal had torn apart her battered heart, she wouldn't change a thing about her relationship with Neal. He had given her the greatest gift that she could ever have, he gave her Henry. And his betrayal had made her come out of jail a stronger person, with a desire to make something out of herself. She had turned herself into a person that she was proud to be.
Today had been so extremely stressful. The past week had been a nightmare. She had never seen Mary Margaret so broken. Not even when she was locked in a jail cell by Emma's own hand. Mary Margaret had been the epitome of strength while they were in the Enchanted Forest, she never took no for an answer, she fought for what she wanted and for what she believed in. This past week she had been a broken shell of her best friend, of a woman who had become her hero. And having to watch a grown man that had burrowed a place in her heart turn from wood and into a small boy before her own eyes overwhelmed her in a way she didn't know how to comprehend just yet. Life before Storybrooke had never been as painful as it was now. She had never had anything that she cared enough for that when it was gone it broke a piece of her heart off. It was so strange to feel pain so strong because someone else was hurting. It was almost debilitating to love people so much.
When a soft hand brushed her shoulder Emma jolted out of her thoughts and met the curious, concerned eyes of her mom. "Hey," Mary Margaret smiled. Her voice a mere whisper in the silence of the apartment, but that one soft word was proof to Emma that she was on the mend. She hadn't spoken to her in days and when she did speak, her voice was harsh and full of anguish. The one word, breathed so softly and so full of concern for her was proof enough that her mom was back. She was on the mend and the worst was behind them.
Mary Margaret lifted the other side of the blanket that was covering Emma's knees and slid under the cloth. Her knees settling beside Emma's, mirroring her position with their legs pressed side by side. Emma released her embrace of her knees and reached for Mary Margaret's hands, sandwiching them between her own. "Hey," Emma's smiled reached her eyes. "I have been so worried about you, you know?"
The brunette nodded hard, her eyes glassed over with wetness. "I know, I'm sorry, I just had to deal with some things."
"I know," she breathed. "I just wish you would have talked to me. I would have done anything to take away that pain for you."
The tears built up and rolled down her porcelain face. "I'm sorry. It was something I needed to work out on my own, I had become a person I had promised myself I would never be. I had to handle that inside me so I didn't hurt anyone else. Especially the people I love." She pulled her hand free and brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I'm so sorry I pushed you away."
She nodded, the apology was out there in the open and she felt that she just needed it there. She didn't want to dwell on it, she completely understood the walls that were in place just hours, days before. She knew what it felt like to have to deal with failure inside yourself before you could let anyone in to face it with you. This family stuff was hard work, but she found that just the mere mention of an apology was enough. She was determined to make her family work and holding grudges like she used to and holding onto pain was not something that would enable growth in this relationship. Mary Margaret was her best friend, in many ways she hung the moon in her eyes. No matter how much it hurt to see her in pain, having her push her away was so much worse, but the apology was there and of course she would accept it. That's what family did, that's what best friends did. Wasn't it? "You ready to tell me about it?" Emma implored. She caught Mary Margaret's hand after she brushed away the tears and laced their hands back together, this time both of them holding each other's hands.
Mary Margaret tilted her head to the side and studied her face. Trying to determine if this was going to be a fight once the truth came out, or if she would accept what happened, not as way to leave her, but just a way to end the pain. "Yes, but I need you to hear me out and promise not to get mad. Promise me you won't get mad."
Emma squinted her eyes in concern for the words that tumbled from her mouth, but she nodded. A promise made.
"I was having a really hard time dealing with the pain and the guilt, so last week I went to Regina's house and confronted her."
"Mary Margaret." Emma's breath left her in a ragged puff and her eyes were widened in fear. "Do you have any idea what could have happened? She could have killed you. She wants you dead."
Mary Margaret dropped her eyes to their hands and nodded, "I know." She sighed with resignation. "That's why I went. I wanted her to kill me. I needed to end the pain and the guilt over what I had done."
Emma pulled her hands free and pressed her thumbs to her temples. She closed her eyes and attempted to calm herself down. She promised she wouldn't get mad, but the fear was taking over and she could feel anger building. She lifted her eyes back to her mom and was surprised when tears burned against her eyes. "You wanted to die? I don't understand how you could decide that without even talking to me."
"I just wanted the pain to go away. The guilt was eating me up. I killed a person, Emma. And regardless of who it was, or how she deserved to die, I used Regina to kill her own mother. What kind of person does that make me? I conned her into killing her own mother by flaunting something she so desperately wanted in her face. I was just like them. I had become like them." She stopped and shook her head. This conversation was harder with Emma than it had been with David. Emma was still in many ways just a hurt little girl and telling her that she had decided to leave her and end her own life was so much harder. Emma never took defeat as an answer, she fought for what she wanted. She fought for the people she loved. "And when Regina ripped out my heart, she showed it to me. It had started to blacken, Emma. It was turning black because of what I did. She told me it would only get blacker and that I would ruin my family because of my darkened heart."
Emma dropped her feet to the floor and moved closer to her mother. Her face was filled with pure panic as she reached for her mom. The move startled Mary Margaret into silence. Emma pressed her hand to her mother's chest, checking for a heartbeat. She sighed when she felt the power of the beat beneath her fingers and dropped her head to her chest, relief flooding her entire being. Emma reached up and griped her shoulders in her hands and shook her, "Don't you ever do that again. We will get through this together, that is the only way! Do you understand?"
The brunette nodded and next thing she knew she was in her daughter's arms. Their hug was fierce. Emma's arms were wrapped like a vice around her and she could feel a small shudder from her daughter's body. "Your heart is good, it's strong and we will make sure nothing harms this family. You have the purest heart of anyone I know and if anyone can get passed this, it's you. But we do this together, got me?"
"Yeah," she smiled, relief flooding her senses that Emma was still making contact with her after the revelation. She couldn't bear to lose her daughter at this point, not after everything they had been through. "You know, you are more like your father than you even know."
Emma laughed out loud, "You think?" She moved back to her position on the couch, this time sitting cross-legged and sitting closer to the brunette, her side pressed up against her mother's legs.
"Absolutely," She laughed, happy to be sitting with her daughter and having this conversation. "He said just about the same thing earlier."
"Good, apparently someone needs to remind you not to make stupid decisions." Emma raised an eyebrow, her face almost comical had she not been so serious.
Yup, there it was. Her father's tact. Rumplestilskin's comment was very true in that regard. She had inherited a lot from her, but the attitude was all her father, and the absence of a filter apparently was a birth defect. "Thanks."
"I can't believe I almost lost you." She breathed, her eyes burning with tears she refused to let fall.
"But you didn't. You won't. I never want to be separated from you again." Her mother promised.
And never before had she wanted to believe someone so much. She wanted to believe that they would always be together, that no pain or tragedy would ever separate them. A question burned in her mind, one that she didn't know how to ask, a question that she dreaded the answer for, but one that she didn't know if she could go on without knowing the answer to. "Can I ask you a question?" She waited for her mother to give her a brief nod and an encouraging smile before she continued. "I saw your face earlier today when August was turned back to a boy. I saw the longing in your eyes. If you had that chance, if you were given that opportunity to raise me, from a child, is that what you want? If I could be turned back into a child and you would get your chance to be with me from a baby, would you want that?"
Mary Margaret's eyes widened and she sat straight up, leaning close enough to Emma to cup her cheek in her palm. "What? Emma? NO. You are not turning yourself back into anything." She shook her head to clear her thoughts. Of all the questions that she had expected coming from her daughter at that very moment, that was not one of them. The question had caught her so off guard she had to take a moment to get her breathing back in control. How could that have even crossed her mind? Did she really think that after all they had fought for to be together that she would give up everything, every single moment of the past year to live in the past? Her face must have shown her astonishment, because Emma continued with her train of thought.
"I know that you were robbed of my whole life because of Regina's curse. You lost everything, every hope, every dream you ever had for me as a child was stolen from you. I just needed to know if you want that opportunity to go back. Do you wish for that?" Emma's eyes were full of concern and the lost little girl that just wanted her mother's approval was beginning to come out all the more clearer because of the question. Would she really consider giving up her whole life if her mother wanted it to be? "With Henry in the picture, I don't think I would ever consider it if you wanted it. I just need to know, what do you want?"
"Oh Emma, I won't lie to you, I wish I could have spent every single day with you for your entire life. I wish that I could have been with you and never have missed a moment. And I wish that I could have prevented all the pain that you endured because of the childhood you were given. It hurts so bad to know all the things I missed. Your first words, first steps, first love, holding your hand when Henry was born, every skinned knee and broken bone, every nightmare that I couldn't sooth, every tear I couldn't wipe away, every kiss and hug that I should have been there to give you and every single crack in that gigantic, amazing heart of yours that I should have been there to patch up. I missed everything that made you into who you are." The look on her daughter's face was heart wrenching. The changes in their relationship astonished her sometimes. When Emma had first come to live with her, the walls she had built up were so high, she didn't ever think that she would see the true person inside her. She never thought she would ever be witness to pure emotion in her daughter's eyes, but now that they were sitting on the sofa together, so close together and she could see the glint of tears forming in her eyes, she was amazed with the progress that they had made. The relationship they had built despite the obstacles. Despite the curse, despite Regina's every attempt to keep them apart. "But I could never, no matter what, I would never give up what we have. You are who you are because of what you went through, what you had to overcome. You are so strong, so stubborn and so amazingly perfect. You are this amazing person that I am so proud to have in my life. You are my daughter and you are my very best friend in the whole world." She caught the tear drop that fell down Emma's cheek with her thumb. This time she didn't dip her head and shy away from the contact, this time Emma's eyes stayed on hers. Progress was an amazing thing. "I would not change anything about you, Emma. Not ever. And I would never wish you to lose everything so I could be a part of your childhood. Your son needs his mother. And I need my daughter, just how she is now."
Emma still didn't look convinced, her eyes were searching for any ounce of untruth in her eyes. "You're sure?"
"Absolutely!" She said with conviction and Emma gave a small half smile, believing the words spoken. Mary Margaret was surprised when Emma rearranged herself on the couch to burrow into her side to lay her head on her shoulder. She squeezed her daughter's shoulder and nudged her playfully, "And believe me when I say that I am thankful that we got to skip over your rebellious teenage years. I am quite certain those would have been the death of me."
Emma guffawed, "I am offended. You have no idea the joys you missed."
"The rage of Emma Swan empowered by hormones? Nah, I think I will pass. Can you imagine how protective Daddy Charming would have been? You would have been locked in the basement for years before he would let you see the light of day, you'd probably still be locked in the basement if it was up to him."
"Oh God." They shared a laugh, the thought of what could have been. It was easier to laugh about it than it was to dwell on everything that they had to give up. Exhaustion was finally taking over Emma and she nestled deeper into Mary Margaret's side, "I'm honestly still expecting him to punch Neal in the face. Did you see the look he gave him when we got off the ship?"
"I don't blame him, I wouldn't mind having a moment out back with Neal too." The brunette pressed her cheek to her daughter's blonde mess of curls. "But he also gave you Henry, so there is a lot I have to be thankful for because of him. And without Henry, you would have never made it back to us and made us remember. Henry brought our family back together."
"He is an amazing kid." She said with a yawn, her eyes losing their battle and falling closed.
After a few moments of silence, Mary Margaret looked down to confirm that Emma was asleep, she pressed her lips to the crown of her head. "I love you Emma, thanks for giving me a reason to live. You are my happy ending."
"I love you too." Emma breathed, a small smile curling up the corners of her mouth.
Yes progress was an amazing thing. This was her redemption. Snow propped her feet up on the coffee table in front of her and rearranged the blanket over them to get comfortable for the night. She wrapped both arms around Emma, buried her cheek in her hair and after a few moments of silence she followed Emma into slumber.