If you are specifically Team Andy or Team Sam this story is NOT for you, stop now and click off of this page immediately. If you are Team McSwarek with all their faults and imperfections then please read and review. Obviously the scenes in the season 4 promos do not exist in my version of "keeping it real" for Sam and Andy. This story is not intended to point the finger at either character, but instead shows how each of them is feeling. Whether you are happy or frustrated with all the information out there for season 4, I hope this story at least brings a smile to your face.
I don't own Rookie Blue or any of the characters.
A light breeze sweeps across my body, and I can feel my once soft skin standing at attention as I shiver. The cotton tank top I threw on earlier seems appropriately out of place as the spring days give way to cold nights. I reach to bring my jacket closer around me, only to remember I left it at the apartment. This was the only request Nick had in lieu of my impromptu quest in the middle of the night, but carelessness to leave immediately overtook any sense of reality. Three months of adjusting to having a partner 24/7, you think I would be better at this by now. Maybe because I can't let go of my old life...of my old partner. Maybe I wasn't so ready to start my new life after all.
I really shouldn't have been surprised, honestly, when Nick didn't try and change my mind when I told him where I was going. Where I needed to go. In between meeting with our contacts and making our deals, I've had a restlessness that fills me inside, and it's been a detriment to not being able to fully commit to my new reality. Perhaps tonight is the night I can finally let go and embrace this secret existence that has been thrust upon me.
Reality.
There is no harsher reality than the destination that has arrived before me. Reaching out my hand I run my fingers over the cold jagged fissures making up the final home for Jerry's human existence. Feeling my legs starting to give out, I kneel in front of the hard grey stone, leaving my hand in place not willing to allow myself any type of complete comfort.
My shoulders feel like the permanent destination for the weight of the world. My eyes close in anticipation of what might happen if I don't block out the emotion threatening to overcome me. Afraid the last of my grip on reality is wavering, I concentrate on my breathing, remembering I came to make amends, not to lose control.
With the will to go on, I lift my head and take in the surroundings. Although it's the middle of the night, the cemetery lights standing strategically throughout the grounds, illuminates my immediate proximity. Spring is in the air, this should be a time of new beginnings, I'm afraid for me; this cruel reality is much different.
Allowing my hand to escape its imaginary confinement, I sit down and take in the words forever etched in front of me.
Jerry Barber
He gave his life in service of others
"Hi Jerry," I say out loud feeling a little foolish at first. "So I know we never talked a lot, just the two of us that is, but you felt like family." Taking a deep breath I continue. "Two of the people I love most in this world..." my voice starts to waiver, "loved you too."
I can't help it any longer, the tears spill over and the cool air instantly chills the warm liquid. Fiercely, I wipe away the display of weakness as if I have an audience expecting me to remain strong.
"I will never forgive myself for what happened to you. How can I?"
At first my mind is just a mess with images creating chaos, but then a smile starts to form as I start to focus and indulge in some of my favorite memories of Jerry.
"I miss a lot about you, and I promise I'll take good care of Tracy, although I know I'm not off to a good start". Every time I think of Tracy grieving without me there to comfort her, I push these images to the back of my mind.
The wind picks up again and I can feel the silent question hanging in the air.
What about that other person who loved me? You going to take care of him?
I want to desperately ignore the question, to do anything to calm the guilt, but that's what I do best right? I run away. Sam deserves someone that he can be himself with. That's one thing I've come to realize since leaving for Dakota, Sam really can't be a cop and be with me.
"Jerry, I don't think Sam would allow anyone to ever take care of him, especially me." I respond in defeat.
"You never know until you try."
I'm frozen in place, not quite sure if I'm even breathing. That wasn't Jerry's voice in my head or any other figment of my imagination.
Sam.
"I hope you're not this careless every day undercover?"
I remain frozen in place. Terrified that I'm dreaming, terrified that I'm not dreaming.
"I'm not sure how you didn't see my truck in the parking lot you just walked through, or how you didn't hear me walking up to you." There was almost harshness to his words.
This causes me to turn around and face the man that's taunting me now, and in my dreams for the last 94 days.
"Guess I didn't think anyone else would be in this cemetery at 1 AM," I respond back almost a little defiantly. What am I doing? This is not how I imagined our first meeting taking place. This is not how I want to be with him in the first moments where the air we breathe is the same.
"Yeah, I uh come here sometimes after I leave The Penny," Sam states quickly looking down at the ground. There must be some other worldly force that draws his attention to the thick strands of grass beneath us.
I take in his appearance and I can't help but notice some not so subtle changes.
"You look like you lost weight," I blurt out.
Looking up fast, shock quickly becomes amusement; then turns to concern. "You too," he throws back at me.
"Yeah well, turns out Nick and I aren't all that great of cooks, and we don't exactly have unlimited money for take out all the time."
We both fight the urge to smile a little, remembering a conversation from a lifetime ago where I learned all about Sam's cooking skills.
"Miss my cooking already?" Sam teases.
"I miss a lot of things about you," I say without thinking.
Silence befalls us now. I want to look away, but how can I when the depths of his mesmerizing eyes are holding me in place?
Another shiver attacks my body, and I fight the urge to rub my arms in hopes of finding some relief from the chill in the air, but I'm not entirely convinced it's solely from the weather.
"You cold?" Sam asked playing it cool, trying to hide his concern.
"No, I'm fine," I respond curtly.
As if noticing for the first time that I'm not exactly appropriately dressed for the climate, he frowns taking in my attire. Not hesitating for an instant he starts to take off his black leather jacket that I love so much.
"No Sam, really I'm fine," I try and reason with him.
"I sure hope pretending to be warm blooded is not part of your cover story," Sam sarcastically responds as he puts his jacket around my shoulders. Feeling his fingers caress my skin, my body instinctively responds, and I know his does too given the deep breath he intakes.
I'm instantly engulfed in his warmth and his scent is overpowering my senses. I start to feel a little dizzy as I work my arms through the sleeves.
"Thank you," I simply respond turning a little to look up at him. I don't think either of us anticipated how close this would bring our lips, his breath is tickling my nose we're so close. Turning my head back at lightning speed I instantly regret my reaction.
Sam walks back to where he was standing before giving me his jacket and clears his throat. "Andy, really what are you doing here? If Luke knew you were here jeopardizing Dakota..."
"Wait, what? How do you know about Dakota? Nobody knows the name of this operation except for us who are working it or the white shirts who approved it."
Looking a little embarrassed he shrugged his shoulders, it's clear he doesn't know how to answer my question.
"Sam, what are you not telling me?"
Sighing in defeat, "okay fine, but if I'm going to talk, then you're going to listen with no interruptions."
"Okay, yeah…just explain please," I respond but my words are barely audible.
Sam immediately starts explaining, as if he's afraid he'll change his mind. "The night I asked you to meet me at The Penny, I had never been more excited or scared in all my life. I mean I finally faced my fear of letting someone completely into the workings of Sam Swarek, and I did the one thing I never thought I would do with anyone other than Sarah…I told you I loved you. I know I hurt you Andy, but I never thought in a million years you would actually not show up for that drink."
"Sam."
He holds up his hands, "Andy please; fight your allergy to silence. You told me you would let me talk with no interruptions."
"You're right, sorry".
A brief smile spreads on his face but it's gone as fast as it came.
"I thought after that first drink we could go back to my place and just talk. I really felt like we were given another chance. I'm sorry it took you holding a bomb for me to realize there are no do over's in this life and I could lose you for good at any moment."
"Why Sam? Why did it take me almost losing my life for you to realize you loved me?"
"Andy, that's the most absurd thing you've ever said. I didn't just realize I loved you that day, I've known it for a long time. The first words I spoke to Brennan after I was made and he finally took that gag out of my mouth…"
I shudder at those words, only imagining what hell he went through.
"…were asking about you. I realized then in that moment I could no longer keep lying to myself. I might never have said the words, but I showed you every day."
"I know you did, but sometimes I just needed to hear it." Realizing I just interrupted again I apologized and told him to continue.
"I was so relieved you hadn't been made that I knew no matter what he did to me it was okay because you were safe."
"I would have gladly traded places with you and endured the torture."
"Andy, don't go there," Sam warned. "That would have been more than I could handle."
"Exactly," I respond back with Sam realizing I went through my own private hell too while he was missing.
"If I'm really honest with myself I fell in love with you a long time ago. I don't remember the moment, or even the day. It's like my love for you has just always been there."
Sam pauses, and for the first time ever in our relationship I'm speechless.
"Really McNally," sarcasm and a little amusement etched in the sound of Sam's voice. "If there is ever a time for you not to be allergic to silence it would be now. I just poured my heart out to you again."
Love quickly becomes rage, and I turn around to compose myself because I really want to hit something. His timing really couldn't be worse…again.
"Andy talk to me," Sam sighs in frustration.
Turning back to face him, for the second time tonight I'm fighting the urge to cry.
"I still don't understand how this makes you know about Dakota."
A look of disbelief flashes across his face; this clearly was not the response he expected.
"I, uh left The Penny that night and went to your apartment to fight for us, just like I said I would. I saw your apartment was dark. I waited for two hours and you never came home Andy. Then the next morning at parade when you didn't show, it was like you were nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I seriously contemplated if I was going insane and just conjured you up in my imagination. I walked around in a daze for a few hours, and then later that day I overheard Gail talking to Tracy about Nick not being at work either and I just knew were you both were."
I allow my voice to soften; I can see the pain he's been in and the regret he lives with. "Sam for the record, I would have shown. I tried to give up on us, but when you finally let me see you, well those walls I had built came crumbling down."
Sam steps forward and gently grabs onto my arms, bending down so he's at eye level with me. "Then why did you take the assignment?"
I pull away and Sam doesn't fight it. "Because I had asked to be part of the operation earlier that morning, and I couldn't just say no because you finally admitted how you felt. You of all people should know how important something like this is for a career, and how did I know you weren't going to take it all back the next day? Sam Swarek doesn't exactly do vulnerable."
"All you wanted was to be a cop…yeah I get it."
"Hold on Sam, that's not fair. You're the one who told me all you wanted was to be with me and then ended our relationship because you didn't know how to be a cop and be with me."
"Andy wait…"
"No, it's my turn," I say fighting back. "You told me you wouldn't get rid of me without a fight, but the first time this is tested you bail. I'm sorry you were struggling Sam, but you know what? I was struggling too. I was struggling with the guilt over Jerry's death, the guilt over not being able to fight off that guy to keep Gail from being kidnapped. I WAS ATTACKED TOO, AND WHERE WERE YOU?"
Sam flinches as if I'd just hit him.
Silence fills the space between us. It feels like minutes before I continue, remorse overwhelming me. "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. It's just that you will never know how it felt to go back to my apartment that night…by myself. You are always so willing to dive in head first to protect me, even when I don't want it or need it, but that night Sam I needed you so bad. I needed my boyfriend, the love of my life to tell me I didn't have to go back there and that I was safe. I also wanted to be there for you too, because I knew you were hurting, and that was killing me."
"You're right Andy," Sam says to me, defeat evident in his voice. "You're right, I failed you. I failed Jerry. I've failed everyone in my life."
"Stop, that's not true."
"No, really it is. The pain over Jerry dying, with his blood literally still on my hands, and the thought of that scum having his hands on you and I wasn't there to protect you, I had to shut down because I couldn't deal. I realized not only did I allow my feelings for you to get in the way of remaining objective to the investigation, but when I finally allowed myself to feel the full magnitude of what it would have meant had that bastard taken you like he did Gail…God Andy, I would have turned the whole city upside down to get to you and leveled anyone that stood in my way."
"Sam," I cry out but he keeps going.
"HAD YOU BEEN IN THAT TRUNK IT WOULD BE ME IN JAIL AND YOUR KIDNAPPER IN THE GROUND."
"Sam please," I beg because I hate looking into his eyes right now and seeing the pain of that day being relived.
It's almost like he's in a trance and my pleas are finally heard. He takes just two steps and I crumble in his arms. I'm racked with emotion and he holds my trembling body. Whispering words of comfort I could swear I feel a tear or two of his mix in with mine. I hear him tell me how he shoved Luke up against the wall when he wouldn't tell him where I had been assigned. How worried he was that Nick wasn't experienced enough and that my head wouldn't be completely in the game. He goes on to explain how he contacted every CI he could think of for any information, and he remembers the day that he gave up looking only because Frank called him into his office and told him his actions were putting me and Nick and risk. Having some compassion for his friend, Frank at least told him the name of the operation and that I was still in the city. Frank promised to tell Sam immediately if something happens to me, so he wouldn't have to hear it from anyone else.
After what feels like hours I'm finally able to form a sentence. "You're wrong about one thing Sam."
"Hmm, what's that McNally?" Sam asks still holding me. The feel of his callused fingers caressing my hair, skimming my cheek, is like a warm welcome home.
"I'm not putting Dakota in jeopardy by being here tonight." Leaning away from him, I'm able to turn around and stare into those chocolate brown eyes of his. "We finished the first phase of the investigation. Luke told us if we could be discreet, to contact one person because we leave the city tomorrow."
"Where?"
"I don't know, but I have a feeling it's far away from Toronto," I respond dispassionately.
"You didn't think to contact me?" Sam asks hurt evident.
"Honestly, I didn't think you would want to hear from me. I really didn't think anyone would want to hear from me right now, given how I just up and left without a word to anyone."
"Why come here Andy?"
"These last three months have left me restless and unfocused. I realized tonight I couldn't leave, not knowing when I'll be back, without visiting Jerry one last time."
Sam looks at me, searching for an answer to some unspoken question.
"It's my fault Jerry's dead, I was the one wrong."
"No Andy, I told you a long time ago it wasn't you're fault. I'm sorry I ever made you think that. Your conclusion about the bartender was logical and Jerry should have taken back up. None of that matters though because the only person at fault is the one awaiting trial."
"Maybe one day I'll believe that."
"I'll tell you every day until you do," Sam assures me.
Feeling like I should be going, I pull out of his arms and stand up. Following me, Sam folds his fingers into mine, and gently tugs on me to turn around.
"Sam I really should be getting back," I try and reason with him knowing every minute I stay with him will mean a piece of me dies when I leave.
"Nick a good partner?" Sam asks sternly.
"He's pretty good, almost as good as the one who trained me," I wink in response.
"Does he realize how important you are to me?" Not taking the bait to lighten up, Sam presses on.
"Sam, he's got my back," I say trying to ease his mind.
"Good because you and me McNally, we're nowhere from being done." Without warning Sam crushes his body to mine and I'm not sure where my lips end and his begins. The smooth warmth of his tongue feels like a piece of Heaven, and the strength of his arms around me shows I'm his and no one else's. While he fingers play with my hair, one of his favorite past times, I find the hem of his shirt and slip my hands underneath it. His skin is warm and smooth, just like I remember. Caressing his back, he pushes himself further into me and I'm very aware of just how good I'm making him feel.
"Maybe I have a little longer before I get back," I tell him in between breaths.
Sam's lips have left mine and are now ravaging my neck. I lean my head back, allowing him full access.
"When do you have to be back?" Sam asks in between kisses.
Barely able to think, I finally remember what I was told. "By sun up."
"My place then?" I hear Sam mumble, the vibrations on my neck sends shivers down my body.
"Are you asking?"
"Not really,"
This causes us both to laugh and with one last long kiss we come up for air. The electricity between us is on high alert, and I know where I'll be spending the next few hours.
"Then let's go," I simply say, remembering a time when those were words he said to me. That night much colder than tonight, but it held just as much promise.
With the hope of a future for us, he puts his arm around me and we start to walk to his truck. Before we can get too far into the start of our new journey tonight, Sam stops.
"Just a second," Sam says to me softly.
Leaning down he gives me a gentle kiss and walks back to Jerry's grave. The once broken man I left three months ago kneels down next to the cold granite and closes his eyes.
After a moment of silence he stands up and looks over at me. Smiling he turns back to Jerry's grave and nods like he's just put together the last piece to a puzzle. "Thanks buddy," I hear him say. Reaching me, and without a break in his step, Sam puts his arm back around my now warm body, and we begin the walk to our future. I don't know what these next few months will bring, but I do know without a doubt, Sam will be waiting for me when I return.
"I love you Sam, with all my heart."
"Hey McNally?"
"Yeah Sam."
"I can't wait to introduce you to my dog Boo."