I took a minute had to sit right back,
'Cos I'm givin' lovin' with my heart attached,
And I never knew that it could be like that,
Loving you the way I do.
~ Ryan Shaw - Morning Noon & Night
1st anniversary: paper.
Arizona turns the tickets over in her hands, smoothing out the corners that have creased in her bag. Her heart flutters with excitement as she thinks about the night she has planned.
They've been talking about taking dance lessons ever since their first date, when they ended up at a rhythm and blues bar in town. They had been a little drunk and, it turned out, very uncoordinated as they tried (and failed) to keep up with the regulars swinging each other around the dance floor. By the end of the night, Callie had stubbed her toes more times than she could remember and Arizona had bashed her shin against a chair, leaving a big purple bruise. They had laughed about it for weeks afterwards. Despite their combined clumsiness, it hadn't stopped them from dancing around Callie's apartment on their second date - and their fifth date, and sixth, and tenth, and many more after that.
The spontaneous dances are her favourite; the ones where Callie will suddenly crank the stereo up when she hears one of her favourite songs playing and grab Arizona's hips, spinning her around the apartment. The only noise louder than the music is their laughter.
They had danced the morning after the hospital shooting, a fitful night's sleep leaving them both tired and a little irritable. Arizona had taken some persuading but Callie eventually convinced her that the rhythmic beat of the music would help dispel the anxiety that lingered over them in the aftermath.
They had danced the first night Callie returned home after the car accident. With Sofia fast asleep, safe in her new crib, Arizona had hoped that the soothing tones of Joni Mitchell might calm Callie's jittery nerves. After checking on their daughter for the eighth time, she caught Callie's hand in her own as she emerged from the nursery, guiding her to the middle of the room and pulling her close. Their bodies had swayed in perfect unison, Callie eventually relaxing in her fiancée's embrace as Arizona kept her feet – and heart – steady.
They had danced like idiots on their wedding day, not caring about the amused looks that their guests shot them. Dancing crazy was their thing. Arms waving and bodies shimmying, they had laughed as they moved around the dance floor. They had stayed there for most of the evening, too caught up in each other's company to pay much attention to everyone else.
The memories bring a smile to Arizona's face as she stuffs the tickets back into their envelope. It's hard to believe that a whole year has passed since that day, but it's been the best year of her life and she can't wait to celebrate it with her wife.
2nd anniversary: cotton.
Arizona is making dinner when Callie arrives home, the smell of garlic, peppers and tomatoes filling her nostrils as soon as she walks into the apartment. She throws her jacket over the back of the couch but keeps her bag close to her side as she greets her family with a big smile.
"Hey!" she calls for their attention.
Sofia flashes her a toothy grin, her mouth full of mashed potatoes.
"Hi baby girl," Callie says, planting a kiss on her daughter's black hair before turning her attention to Arizona. "Hey you."
Arizona smiles as she walks over to the table and puts a bowl of fruit in front of her messy daughter. "Hey you," she echoes, accepting a chaste kiss. "You're late; was work busy?"
"Uh, yeah, a few last minute emergencies," Callie answers, hoping that Arizona doesn't notice her hesitancy. "I'm just gonna go clean up."
She quickly disappears into the bedroom, leaving Arizona with a bemused look on her face. Flinging her purse on the bed, Callie looks around the room, searching for a hiding space. Her eyes settle on the bottom drawer of her bureau and she decides that it's as good a place as any, pulling out the gift bag from her purse and tucking it underneath her yoga pants.
She still isn't sure that it's the right gift. Arizona has only just become comfortable with her body since the amputation, only just opened herself up to being intimate again, and Callie knows that pushing her too far, too quickly might make her retreat back into her shell. To most women, a simple cotton chemise might be a sweet gift, but to Arizona, a cotton chemise that rests at the top of her thighs could trigger her insecurities, and Callie does not want to be the cause of another setback.
"What are you doing?"
The sound of Arizona's voice makes her jump. Callie leaps to her feet and spins around, kicking the drawer closed with her foot.
"Nothing."
Arizona tilts her head to one side. "Callie."
Callie shrugs innocently, but Arizona simply gives her a look. "Callie," she says a little more firmly.
"It's… it's nothing. A surprise," Callie says, bouncing nervously from one foot to the other.
Arizona's eyes narrow suspiciously, but she nods and offers a small smile, shrugging in defeat. "Okay."
Callie sees the bravado on her wife's face; she knows she's hiding her concern that Callie is keeping secrets, knows that she still carries the continual fear that Callie might one day run. She sighs when she sees Arizona's shoulders slump as she turns around.
"Wait," she says softly. She leans down and pulls the bag out from the drawer. "It's a gift for next week. Our anniversary?"
The inflection in her voice makes it sound like a question.
"I remember," Arizona says.
"I wasn't sure that I was gonna give it to you," Callie confesses.
She notices Arizona's brow crinkle in confusion.
"Not that I wasn't gonna buy you a gift," she says quickly. "Just…maybe not this gift."
Her words do nothing to erase the Arizona's frown, so she pulls the lingerie from the bag, holding the straps and letting the material fall. She watches Arizona, trying to read her mind as her wife looks at the dark green piece.
"You don't like it."
"No, I… I do like it," Arizona says.
"It's too much, isn't it?" Callie says, mentally kicking herself. "I'm sorry. I just… I wasn't sure what to buy and I was in the department store when saw this and thought how hot you'd look in it and… and I'm an idiot."
Her rambles come to an end and she bites her lip, waiting for Arizona's reaction. "I'm sorry," she repeats, filling the silence.
Arizona shakes her head. "No, don't apologise," she says, taking a step closer and wrapping her hand around Callie's. "I really do like it. And I, uh, I kinda like that you still think about me in that way, too. You know… hot."
Callie arches one eyebrow. "Are you kidding me?"
Arizona blushes and rolls her eyes bashfully.
"You're beautiful," Callie says, closing the gap between them. "And sexy. And I think about you… us… all the time."
"Really?" Arizona whispers.
Callie answers her with a kiss, sliding one hand around her waist and pulling her close. Arizona leans her body weight into her, a soft moan vibrating against the back of her throat.
"Maybe… maybe we can enjoy this gift a little earlier than next week," she suggests, a playful smile spreading across her lips.
Callie grins back at her. "Happy anniversary to me."
3rd anniversary: leather.
Arizona sits stiffly in her seat, conscious of the other couples surrounding her. The chair on the other side of the table is empty and has been for the last fifteen minutes since she arrived. She checks the time again. It's eleven minutes past eight o'clock. Callie is late and, as the minutes tick by, Arizona convinces herself that she's not coming.
It's their third date in four weeks. It had been Arizona's idea, the chance to spend some time alone, to reconnect and see if the spark is still there. With each date, Arizona becomes less certain that they can get back what they once had. They're both trying so hard but something isn't working.
She knows what it is. Deep down, she knows. When Callie gets here – if Callie gets here – they'll make small talk about the weather and how busy the traffic is tonight. They'll talk about Sofia, the hospital and their friends. Callie will talk about her brain mapping research and the progress that she and Derek are making. They'll probably look around them at their fellow diners and make up stories about their lives, and they'll laugh, and for a moment they'll feel like them again.
But the moment will pass quickly and they'll go back to the awkward silence that falls too often .
They won't talk about their marriage or the affair. They won't talk about the amputation or how Arizona wishes that Callie would shut up about her research because all it does is make her feel inadequate, even though Callie's doing it for her, to make her life better. They won't talk about the things that matter and that's been their problem for so long that neither of them knows how to fix it.
It's almost twenty minutes past eight now and Callie is still not here. Arizona starts to play with the fork to her left, twisting the cold metal around in her hand. Maybe it was too soon, maybe inviting Callie to dinner on their anniversary was a bad idea. She thought it would be romantic, that maybe celebrating their anniversary would be a step forward, but perhaps she was just naïve. She just wanted a sign – one sign – that there was a chance for them to get back the relationship they had before.
Half past eight. The leather-strapped watch sits at the top of Arizona's bag, wrapped up and decorated with a silver bow. She bought it on a whim having overheard Callie lamenting to Bailey that hers had gone missing, probably hidden by Sofia. They haven't talked about exchanging gifts and, even if they had, she's pretty sure that Callie would have told her not to buy anything.
After nearly forty minutes, she gives up. She drops the fork and looks towards the waiter, hoping to catch his eye and order the bill for the solitary glass of wine she's only half drunk. Just as she raises her hand to catch his attention, she spots Callie shuffling through the restaurant.
"I'm sorry I'm late, traffic was a nightmare," she says, tucking her purse under her seat.
Arizona stands and smiles nervously, accepting Callie's light kiss on her cheek. "Don't worry about it," she says.
They sit and make small talk as the waiter fills their water glasses, pausing to listen to him announce the specials.
"How was work?" Arizona asks.
"Good. You know, busy but good," Callie says. "How was your day with Sofia?"
Arizona can't help but smile when she thinks about their daughter. "Really good. We went to the park for a bit. She likes the swings a lot."
"Yeah, she does."
They fall into silence as they study the menu, both guilty of sneaking a look at the other every now and again, embarrassed smiles flashing across their faces when they are caught.
"The lamb sounds good," Callie comments.
"I was thinking maybe the seafood," Arizona says.
More silence as they focus on the list of food. They both know what they're going to order but if they pretend they're still deciding they can avoid conversation for a little while longer.
Eventually the waiter comes over and they order – the lamb for Callie, the seafood platter for Arizona – and agree to share a side salad. Callie orders an extra glass of wine, a large red, and clasps her hands together as she waits, smiling awkwardly at Arizona.
"It's warm for May," she comments.
"Yeah, it was nice to be able to spend the afternoon outside with Sofia," Arizona replies. She clears her throat. "Maybe…maybe if the summer weather is good, we could go away for a couple of days this year?"
"Yeah, that'd be fun," Callie says brightly.
Arizona warms to the optimism in her voice and grins happily.
"Who knows, maybe by then Derek and I will have got somewhere with our research," Callie says. "I think we're close to a breakthrough with phase two."
Arizona feels her heart sink as she listens to Callie talk about her project. She feels her bottom lip quiver slightly and all her insecurities come flooding back as she puts on a smile, masking how she really feels. The words that she wants to say are on the back of her tongue but she can't get them out. Just one sign that she's still enough, that Callie doesn't still see her as broken – that's all she wants.
She feels the gift bag brush against her leg and she pushes it deeper underneath her chair with her foot.
Maybe not tonight.
5th anniversary: wood.
Callie has had it all planned for weeks. She's confirmed the time off work with the rest of the board, arranged for Derek and Meredith to look after Sofia for a couple of nights, and instructed Alex to make sure Arizona finishes work on time. Their packed bags are in the trunk of the car, parked outside the staff exit where Callie waits, ready to collect Arizona after her shift finishes in ten minutes.
Five years. Not all of them good, but they don't dwell on the past. It's not always easy but they made a pact last year, on their fourth anniversary, to focus on the present and the future. It is working, too. The last twelve months have been some of the best of their lives and Callie can't think of a better way to end it than to hide themselves away in the middle of nowhere for a long weekend.
The log cabin is in the middle of Olympic National Forest, right on the edge of a lake. According to the website, it boasts a king size bed, an open fireplace and a hot tub with a spectacular view of the park. It's fully equipped with a kitchen and Callie has bought plenty of supplies, which means they can enjoy three nights of seclusion.
Arizona is oblivious to her plans – at least, Callie hopes she is. She has worked hard to keep it a surprise and can't wait to see the look on Arizona's face when she whips off the blindfold. More than that, she's looking forward to the look on Arizona's face when she proposes.
The ring is tucked in an inside pocket of her duffle bag. She has the Colonel's permission to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage – again – the shriek of delight from Barbara in the background of their Skype call still bringing a smile to her face. It's been three years since the state of Washington made same-sex marriage legal and now feels like the right time to renew their vows. It has also taken them three years to get here and their relationship feels stronger than ever, built on friendship and trust, love and forgiveness. Finally, she feels like they can believe in forever again.
She has it all planned in her head. She has thought about a big, grand gesture, getting down on one knee after a three course meal and a few glasses of wine, with music and candles. Then she realised that she didn't the big, grand gesture to make it special. Sunday morning she will treat Arizona with breakfast in bed and an eternity ring, white gold and set with a mixture of diamonds and sapphires, bright blue to match her eyes. Callie has no doubts about what her answer will be.
The doors open and Arizona steps out, practically pushed out the door by Alex. Her look of confusion melts into one of delight when she spots Callie waiting for her, a huge grin spreading across her face.
Callie returns her smile. She has no doubts at all.
9th anniversary: pottery.
It's... well, it's awful. They wear identical frowns as they take in garish mix of pink and red that their daughter has just handed over with a smile on her face.
"Oh, Sof, it's…" Arizona bites her bottom lip as she tries to find the right word to describe it.
"It's a vase," Sofia announces proudly, dumping her backpack on the floor and kicking off her shoes.
Callie tilts her head to one side. "Yeah, we can see that," she says, catching her wife's eye and sharing a smirk.
"Abuelo took me to a workshop and they let me paint it. I chose pink for Mama and red for Mami," Sofia explains.
"Our favourite colours," Arizona says with a smile, beckoning Sofia over to the sofa where she sits and kisses her cheek. "That was very sweet of you, thank you very much."
"Abuelo said that a vase was a good present to buy you for your anniversary," Sofia says, leaning over towards Callie and accepting a kiss from her, too. "He said that you've been married for as long as I've been alive and I'm nine."
Callie plants an identical kiss on Sofia's other cheek.
"But you got married when I was six," Sofia continues. "And that was three years ago, so I told Abuelo that he was wrong. Can I have a drink please?"
Callie chortles at the thought of Sofia telling her father that he was wrong. Meanwhile, Arizona stands up and walks over to the kitchen to pour a glass of water for the young chatterbox. Sofia immediately occupies the space.
"Then Abuelo told me that you got married twice, but when I asked him why he got all funny and said I should ask you."
Arizona comes back to the family room and hands Sofia her drink, raising an eyebrow at Callie as she sits down on the sofa, their daughter wedged between them. Sofia takes a big gulp of water, then looks expectantly at her moms.
"Maisy's mom got married twice but to different people. Why did you get married twice?"
"Well..." Callie starts, looking to Arizona who offers a reassuring nod. "…the first time we got married was because we wanted to tell all our family and friends that we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Except, nine years ago, it wasn't legal for two women to get married."
Sofia frowns. "Why not?"
"Just like now, some people didn't like the idea of two women loving each other, like your Mama and I do."
"Like Ashley? He's such a pig," Sofia says, her nose wrinkling with disgust. Ashley used to sit next to her in her class and tease her about having two moms, until they complained and he was moved to another class.
"Hey, we don't use language like that in this house," Arizona scolds lightly, even though she agrees with her daughter's opinion.
Sofia shrugs. "So the first time was like pretend?"
"No," Callie says quickly. "It was real. Your Mama and I were married, we just didn't have the piece of paper that said so."
"But now we do," Arizona continues. "Three years ago, on our anniversary, we went down to City Hall and said our vows again, and got that piece of paper. And what made it so special was that, this time, you were with us."
Sofia twists her mouth as she thinks about her moms' explanation and her face lights up as an idea creeps into her mind. "Are you gonna get married again? 'Cause then we can get dressed up all pretty again and have another party. Oh, can we, mommies?"
Arizona runs her hand down her daughter's thick, black hair and tucks it behind her ear, soothing her excitement. "Maybe one day, Sof," she says. She has always liked the idea of renewing their vows in the future.
"Next year?"
Arizona laughs. "No, not next year. It's not something people do all the time. That's why we celebrate our anniversary, to remind ourselves how special that day was and how lucky we are to have each other."
Her eyes meet Callie's and they share a smile. Sofia nods slowly, taking in her Mama's words. "Okay."
She says it so simply, with an innocence only possessed by a child. She shuffles forward and jumps off the sofa, picking up the vase from the coffee table. "Can we put this on the shelf over the fire place?"
"Uh, you know what? I think it would look great by the window in Mama and Mami's room," Callie says. She can feel Arizona glaring at her.
"Really?" Sofia squeals.
"Yeah," Callie says with as much enthusiasm as she can muster.
"Do you really want to wake up to that every morning?" Arizona hisses as Sofia skips off towards their bedroom.
"Do you really want it on show in the family room?" Callie shoots back.
"Good point," Arizona concedes.
Callie stands up and holds out her hand. "Come on, let's go and help her find a home for it."
Arizona pouts, but accepts Callie's hand and stands up beside her. Callie looks at her curiously.
"You really wanna marry me again some day?"
Arizona smiles. "I'd marry you every year on our anniversary if I could."
Callie's lips turn upwards into a wide grin. She tugs on Arizona's hand and pulls her closer, drawing her into a soft kiss. The sound of something smashing on the floor floats into the family room from their bedroom, followed by an "oops", causing them to break apart.
Arizona's mouth twists in thought. "Would it make me a terrible mother if I said I hope that's the vase?"
12th anniversary: silk.
It's almost ten o'clock by the time Callie gets home from work. A four car pile-up on the highway meant a lot of broken bones that she had to fix before she could escape the hospital. She has never been so grateful to throw her lab coat into her locker and slam the door shut, getting out of there as quickly as possible before another disaster falls into her lap.
A fourteen hour day should have left her weary and exhausted but she has a spring in her step as she walks through the front door of the house. She's pretty sure May 5th is her favourite day of the year – well, except perhaps Christmas Day. May 5th is the one time she can forget she's a doctor and a mom for a while without feeling guilty. Every other day of the year, she's helping to run a hospital and chasing after her almost-teenage daughter, which means that moments of intimacy with her wife are short and sweet. May 5th, she's guaranteed good sex.
The house is dark when she enters, the only light coming from a dozen candles scattered around the open-plan family room. It's quiet except for the soft dulcet tones of Ella Fitzgerald playing in the stereo.
She hangs her jacket by the front door, drops her bag on the floor and kicks off her shoes, padding softly across the room. A bottle of her favourite red wine waits on the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Beside it sits a bouquet of flowers arranged neatly in a vase – white roses, violet lisianthuses and blue lily-of-the-niles bunched together, all her favourites. A small package lies next to them – her gift, she presumes. Twelve years of marriage, the year of a silk anniversary gift, and it didn't take a genius to guess what each of them would buy the other.
She hears footsteps behind her and turns to find Arizona lingering in the doorway of their bedroom. Whatever she is wearing is hidden by a long, cream, silk robe; tied loosely around her waist and exposing her skin teasingly. A small, gold heart rests on her chest. She had her hair cut short last week. Callie has always loved her wife's short curls, it reminds her of the day they met and that first, unexpected kiss in the bathroom at Joe's.
"Hey."
"Hey," Callie says, warmth immediately spreading through her body. Her eyes unceremoniously look her wife up and down as she wanders across the room towards her. "You look amazing."
"You look tired," Arizona says with a small laugh. "And you're late."
Callie doesn't bother with an apology, but grabs her wife's hips and pulls her close. She dips her head and kisses her hard, her tongue sweeping over Arizona's lips before nudging its way into her mouth. Arizona's hands find their way into her hair and they grasp at her thick, dark locks. Callie's fingers hook into the belt of the robe and she flicks it open in one easy movement, her hands slipping inside and finding more silk to play with. They slide over her hips and grab her ass.
"I see you found your present already," Callie says when they finally break apart, grinning at the sight of her wife in the deep red chemise that she had stolen from the apparently not-so-secret hiding place where Callie had stashed it. She steals a brief kiss before pressing her lips along Arizona's jawline until she reaches the sensitive spot behind her ear. "Happy anniversary."
She feels Arizona melt against her and hears her breathy sigh.
"Happy anniversary," Arizona murmurs. Her hands travel down Callie's back and rest around her waist. "You, uh, wanna open your present?"
Callie pulls back slightly to meet her eye, raising her eyebrows suggestively as she looks Arizona up and down again. "Yes please."
Arizona laughs. "Not that present," she says, "not yet, anyway."
She reaches around Callie and picks up the wrapped gift from the breakfast bar. She lays it flat in her hands. Callie pulls at the bright red string, then rips the paper loose. She picks up the lingerie by its black, lace straps, letting the silk chemise fall into shape. The deep purple shimmers in the candlelight. Arizona has always loved Callie wearing purple.
Arizona's hands wander to Callie's chest and she starts unbuttoning her blouse slowly, fingering the silver heart pendant that she finds underneath.
"I think you would be a lot more comfortable if you got out of these work clothes and into your present," Arizona says seductively. She reaches the last button and manoeuvres the shirt gently over Callie's shoulders, throwing it to the floor. She pops the button of her pants and pulls the zip slowly, letting them fall to the floor. Callie steps out of them, her eyes on Arizona the whole time. Arizona drags her finger up Callie's torso, from the top of her panties until she reaches her bra. She tugs the material and lifts her mouth, encouraging Callie to lean in to her and kiss her again. Her palms flatten against Callie's breasts and she follows her bra strap around to her back, unclipping it with ease. Callie shrugs it off brazenly.
Arizona feels her heart beating fast in her chest, pounding so hard she thinks it's trying to escape her body. Her eyes sweep over Callie's almost-naked body. She wants to take her then and there, but she's been waiting all day to see Callie in her present. She can be patient – just.
She takes the purple silk from Callie's hand and lifts it up. Callie slips her arms through the straps and Arizona guides it over her head, letting it fall naturally over the curves of her body. It settles on her hips, resting just at the top of her thighs.
"Wow," Arizona gushes breathlessly.
"You have good taste."
Arizona smiles. "I know," she says, reaching up to cup her wife's face. "Why do you think I married you?"
She draws Callie into another deep kiss, the smooth silk of their lingerie gliding together. It isn't going to be long before their presents are discarded. Arizona has no more patience left.
15th anniversary: crystal.
Arizona stands in the doorway and watches her wife sleeping in the hospital bed. It's eight o'clock in the morning and she has just finished a night shift. She wanted to swap it but Callie insisted that she didn't; that she would need to pull in more important favours in the future. Arizona wanted to argue with her, to tell her that today was important, but she had kept quiet; too tired, too busy balancing her wife's needs with her daughter's.
It's not the first time they've celebrated their anniversary in the hospital, but it's never been under these circumstances.
The cancer had taken them by surprise. It was as if the lump in Callie's breast had appeared overnight, a quick morning fumble resulting in a mammogram and a diagnosis that neither of them wanted to hear. The tumour was big and the oncologist had recommended a mastectomy, which brought them here on their anniversary.
Arizona is grateful that the operation yesterday had gone well. Doctor Michaels expected Callie to spend another night, maybe two, before going home. Radiotherapy would start next month and he urged them all to be hopeful.
She tiptoes into the room and places the gift in her hands on the bedside table, beside another similar-shaped box. Shrugging off her lab coat, she drapes it over the back of the chair and leans over the bed, gently kissing Callie's forehead and being careful not to wake her. She settles on the chair and watches her wife sleep, tracing the lines on her face with her eyes.
Since her diagnosis, Callie has adopted Arizona's exuberant optimism and insists that she will be fine. She doesn't promise – she knows better than to make a promise about something so out of her control – but she does everything she can to keep things light. Arizona plays along, for Callie and Sofia, but she hates every minute of it. She wants to scream at the world about how unfair it is that something else in the universe wants to take her love away from her, but she can't because she has to be the strong one.
She doesn't feel strong. She feels like she's surviving, that's all. She has to be everything to everyone, and she's pretty sure at some point she'll bend so far that she'll break in half.
Her pocket buzzes and she fishes her cell phone out. It's Sofia, checking in and demanding to come to the hospital after school to see them. Arizona shoots her a message back and tells her to come, knowing it will be good for all of them to be together. Their daughter has been so angry since they told her about the diagnosis. Arizona knows it's her way of dealing with her fear and she wishes she could wrap her up in a cocoon to protect her from the pain she's feeling. She wishes she could do that for all of them.
She shuffles back in the chair and leans her head to one side, resting her eyes as she waits for Callie to wake.
The next time Arizona opens her eyes is over an hour later. The first thing she sees as her vision clears is Callie sitting up in bed, a nurse on one side checking her IV.
"Hey," she says, still a little groggy.
"Hey sleepyhead," Callie teases. Her face looks drawn but her eyes are bright.
"How're you feeling?" Arizona asks as she sits up and flexes her shoulders, her neck cracking.
"Okay. A little sore," Callie answers.
Arizona reaches for her hand and squeezes it, smiling gratefully at the nurse who finishes her job and leaves swiftly. When they're alone, Arizona stands and lifts herself onto the bed so that she's sitting opposite Callie. She keeps Callie's hand in her own.
"Sofia's gonna come and see you after school," she says. "Meredith said the girls stayed up late talking so she's probably tired and cranky… but I think it's important that she has someone to talk to that's not us, you know? Zola's always been a good friend."
Callie nods. "What about you?"
"I'm fine," Arizona says. She lifts a hand to Callie's face and rubs the back of her fingers against her cheek. "I have you, so I'm fine."
She leans forward and rests her forehead against Callie's. There's still a lingering scent of her body lotion behind the horrid antiseptic stench of the hospital, and she concentrates on that.
"I love you," she whispers. She says it every day, every chance she gets; doesn't want it to be forgotten.
Arizona feels Callie tense.
"Even with one boob?"
She hasn't said it out loud but Arizona knows her wife inside out and knows the insecurities that would have formed over the last couple of weeks. She can hear the tentativeness in her voice, as if she's waiting to hear Arizona's reaction.
"Oh Callie, don't," Arizona says in a hushed voice. "It's one part of you. It's certainly not the most important part of you." She presses her lips against Callie's forehead. "The best part of you is your beautiful heart."
She lets the words sink in.
"I'm also quite partial to your lips."
Callie laughs, music to her wife's ears.
"Come here and kiss me," Arizona demands.
Callie complies, lifting her lips to meet Arizona's, enjoying a slow, sweet kiss. Arizona doesn't let her pull away, instead covering her face with kisses, before nudging her nose against Callie's.
"I love you, too," Callie says when Arizona gives her space to breathe, pulling her wife into as tight a hug as she can without hurting her surgical wound.
They stay wrapped up in each other for a while, until Arizona pulls back with a bright smile on her face.
"Oh, happy anniversary!"
Callie smiles. "Happy anniversary."
"I brought your gift in, I thought you might like to open it here instead of waiting until you got home."
"I had Bailey sneak yours in, too," Callie says with a grin.
Arizona slips off the bed and passes both packages to Callie before climbing back on, this time sitting side-by-side with her wife. Callie places her present on Arizona's lap before picking up the other one.
"Ready?"
Arizona nods. They start ripping simultaneously, discarding the wrapping paper on the floor and dissolving into laughter as they stare at the matching boxes in their hands, each holding two crystal champagne glasses.
"Great minds, huh?" Arizona says with a chuckle.
"Well, one set to celebrate our anniversary," Callie says, "and another to celebrate beating this cancer."
Arizona twists her head and smiles down at her wife. "Sounds like a perfect plan."
20th anniversary: china.
Callie steps out of the travel agents with a wide grin on her face. She knows it's cheating, but she doesn't care. She can't wait for the surprised look on Arizona's face when she opens her gift and sees the plane tickets. They have dreamed about going travelling for as long as she can remember and always talked about doing it once Sofia was older and in college. With the recent buy out of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital by the Harper Avery Foundation, they find themselves with a reduced work schedule and a lot of money in the bank. Half of it has been put into a trust fund for Sofia, to be released to her over time. The other half has paid off the mortgage of their house and fixed the leak in the roof; they have upgraded Arizona's car and bought a new bed; all very dull and unromantic.
A four week trip to China, however, is an indulgence and one that Callie is excited to share with her wife. Their lives have been so focussed on their daughter and the hospital for the last twenty years that they've forgotten to focus on themselves at times. They've tried harder in the last five years since Callie's cancer diagnosis and dates have become a regular occurrence: dinners at their favourite restaurants, nights at the theatre, weekend trips to remote cottages. Sometimes, on a warm summer night, they simply stroll around the park, hand in hand. It's one of her favourite things to do.
She remembers when Sofia left home and moved 800 miles away to California. Bailey had warned her that, without a common focus, the conversation would dry up – a fate that had befallen her and Ben just a few years ago. The first few months after Sofia was gone had been strange, but Callie quite likes having her wife to herself again. It's like they're replaying all the best parts of their relationship – the fun and the laughter and the romance.
Of course, she misses Sofia. Callie couldn't be more proud of her daughter, who is enrolled in international studies at the University of California in Berkeley. She has grown up into a bright, funny young woman – the perfect blend of her mothers, everyone says, with just a hint of her father. They instilled in her from an early age that she could do anything she wanted. Arizona is her biggest cheerleader and always has been, and Sofia has big dreams for herself; dreams of becoming an international journalist, winning awards for her sensational articles and cutting edge documentaries. Callie is pretty sure she'll do it, too.
With their daughter following her dreams, Callie is determined that they do the same. No more talking about it, no more putting it off until later. This year, they'll travel to Asia; next year, who knows. Callie wants to go on safari in South Africa. Arizona talks about travelling to the wine regions of Italy. They both want to spend Christmas on the beach in Bali. The possibilities are endless and they have all the time in the world.
25th anniversary: silver.
The first thing Callie hears when she steps through the front door is the soft tones of Ingrid Michaelson. She recognises the song immediately and smiles to herself as so many good memories come flooding into her mind. Arizona has been saying for weeks that she was going to dig out their wedding playlist. The lights are low, the table is set for dinner (the menu from their favourite pizza place nearby) and church candles line almost every surface.
Callie dumps her bag and jacket, kicks off her shoes, and calls for her wife.
"Arizona? Honey, where are you?"
Arizona comes rolling out of the back bedroom, a neatly wrapped gift on her lap. "Hey," she says, a hint of surprise in her voice. "I thought you were gonna be at least another half an hour?"
She wheels her chair over to Callie and lifts her chin, smiling as Callie dips her head and greets her with a kiss on her cheek. She uses the wheelchair at home more these days, normally after a busy day on her feet, and Callie eyes her suspiciously, wondering what she's been up to all day to make her body feel so tired.
"My meeting finished early," Callie answers. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Arizona says brightly. "I just wanted to be out of this thing before you got home." She taps the frame of the chair. "How's the new ortho attending?"
Callie settles on the sofa and lifts her feet up to rest on the ottoman. "She's good. Really good. She's definitely gonna keep the department in line."
Arizona wheels herself over to the sofa and parks the chair next to it. She grabs hold of the gift in her lap and lifts herself onto her right leg, before flopping down on the sofa beside her wife.
"That's good. How was my peds ward looking? Did you see Alex?"
"He was in surgery. Kid who came off his bike." Callie lifts her arm and wraps it around Arizona's shoulders, pulling her in and kissing her temple. "Hi."
Arizona smiles. "Hi."
She leans her body against Callie's and traces her fingertips along her jawline, guiding her lips closer to hers. They meet in a long, slow kiss. Callie's hand slips between Arizona's thighs and she grins against her wife's mouth when she hears a moan escape from the back of her throat.
"I've been thinking about kissing you all day," Arizona murmurs as she runs the tip of her thumb across Callie's red lips, the palm of her hand cupping her face.
"Oh yeah?"
"Hmm. And I've been thinking about all the things I'm gonna do to you later," she says with a mischievous grin. "I have big plans for you."
"Big plans, huh? Do I really have to wait until later?" Callie smirks, squeezing Arizona's thigh.
"All good things come to those who wait, Calliope," Arizona teases.
The stereo jumps to the next track and Ryan Shaw's voice floats through the air as their first dance song starts to play.
"I still love this song," Arizona says softly.
"Me too," Callie says, her thumb rubbing Arizona's leg. "Happy anniversary."
"Happy anniversary," Arizona says with a smile. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Even more now than I did twenty-five years ago." She drops a light kiss on the tip of Arizona's nose.
Arizona giggles. "You're as charming as ever." She rests her head on Callie's shoulders and shuffles her body closer, her left hand finding Callie's and their fingers linking together naturally. "Sofia called earlier to wish us a happy anniversary. She said she'd call back again tomorrow."
"She working hard?"
Arizona scoffs. "They were on their way to the beach for the afternoon."
"Is that what our money's paying for?" Callie muses.
Arizona smiles to herself. She knows Callie is joking. Sofia studies hard, she always has – she inherited her moms' work ethic. After graduating three years ago, she chose to go to law school, enrolling in an international legal course. She still dreams of making a difference in the world, her interest moving to international human rights. She spent last summer trailing a human rights lawyer in New York, an old contact of Callie's father. She loved it and had extended the two week work experience into a six week internship, much to her moms' disappointment. It was bad enough that she was away at school for most of the year, let alone the summer holidays as well. No matter how many years passed and how old their daughter was, she was still their baby girl and always would be.
They decided not to try for any more children after Arizona's miscarriage. It had been a conscious decision, neither of them possessing the physical or mental strength to put themselves, or each other, through the IVF process again. Instead, they invested all of their time and energy into each other and their relationship, choosing to focus on making their lives the best they could possibly be for themselves and for Sofia. They had never regretted their decision, even when empty nest syndrome had threatened to unbalance them.
"She's gonna try and come home for a long weekend soon," Arizona says.
Callie grunts. "She bringing that boyfriend of hers with her?"
"You mean Logan? She might," Arizona says with a laugh. "Are you ever gonna like any of her boyfriends?"
"Nope," Callie answers honestly.
Arizona rolls her eyes. "You're just like your father was." She lifts her head and rests her chin on Callie's shoulder. "Don't you remember what it was like to be young and madly in love?"
Callie twists her head to look at her. "I still know what it's like to be madly in love."
"Ahh, Calliope, see? You are a romantic!" She nudges Callie's nose with her own, finding her lips again.
"So, you wanna open your gift now?"
She pulls the present out from where it's become wedged between her right thigh and the sofa cushions, and places it on her wife's lap. Callie doesn't have to be asked twice. She pulls at the ribbon, then tears the wrapping paper off unceremoniously. She finds a thin box inside and opens the lid, lifting out a silver photo frame that holds four photos. The first is a picture of Callie and Arizona on their wedding day, their faces beaming at the camera as they cut the wedding cake. The second is the family photo taken of the two of them with Sofia on the first night she had come home from the hospital, proud parents standing by the fire place as Sofia sleeps in her Mami's arms. The third is a photo of them with Sofia on her high school graduation, Callie and Arizona wearing identical proud expressions with their daughter squeezed between them. The final photo is of the two of them on vacation five years ago, the Great Wall of China in the background.
Tears prick Callie's eyes as she contemplates twenty-five years of amazing memories.
"Do you like it?" Arizona asks.
"Oh yes, Arizona, I love it," Callie gushes. "Thank you."
She wraps her arm around Arizona's waist and pulls her closer, twisting her body and practically lifting her onto her lap. Arizona's hands rest on her shoulders, leaning into Callie's body as she finds her balance, then raises them to cup her face gently.
Twenty-five years and they have never tired of the sensation of lips meeting lips, skin touching skin.
Callie's mouth travel down Arizona's neck and she sucks playfully on a warm patch of skin. Arizona moans happily, her head rolling, before she catches Callie in another kiss.
"Do you know how happy you make me?" Arizona whispers, their noses rubbing together as their upper bodies sway a little.
"I hope as happy as you make me," Callie says.
Arizona smiles and kisses her lips, her nose, her cheeks. "How 'bout we head to the bedroom?"
Callie smirks. "What happened to 'later'?"
"Nothing good ever comes from procrastination, Calliope."
Callie laughs. Her wife always has an answer for everything. "And dinner?"
"We can order pizza afterwards. Gotta work up an appetite," Arizona says with a teasing smile.
"I like the sound of that," Callie murmurs.
"But before any of that, you need to give me that gorgeous silver bracelet that you've been hiding in your bottom drawer for the last month," Arizona says.
Callie's jaw drops. "You found it?"
"Callie, I know all your hiding places. They've been the same for the last twenty-five years," Arizona says with a chuckle.
"Well, I guess I'd better change it up for the next twenty-five," Callie says.
Arizona grins. "I can't wait."
40th anniversary: ruby.
Callie drives with the roof down, making the most of the early summer they've been enjoying. The sun is bright and she pulls her sunglasses out of her bag, shading her eyes from the light. Her shoulder-length dark brown hair hangs loose and whips around her face; the breeze cool against her warm skin. She drives fast – faster than she probably should – which is weird because it's not like she's in a hurry. But the speed elevates her heart rate and reminds her that she's alive.
Her anniversary gift lies on the passenger seat, a bunch of white roses and lilies – Arizona's favourites – tied together with a pink ribbon and resting in a small vase. Next to the flowers is a small jewellery box. She's been holding on to this gift for years now, waiting for the right time to come up.
The gemstones have been a Torres family heirloom since the early 1800s, passed on from generation to generation. When Carlos inherited them many years ago, he had them cut into a simple diamond and ruby pendant, hanging from a delicate gold chain. He had gifted it to Lucia on their fortieth anniversary, a grand gesture in front of family and friends at the surprise party that had been thrown in their honour. He had passed it on to Callie at her mother's funeral many years ago, pressing it into her palm and wrapping his hands around hers as he cried on her shoulder.
For years she has kept it safe in her jewellery box, pulling it out every now and again to run her fingers over the deep red stone; a symbol of what she has lost and a reminder of what she has.
What she had.
She arrives at the cemetery shortly after midday, just as the sun is directly overhead. She pulls into the space at the end of the parking lot, grabs her bag and the anniversary gifts, and walks the path to Arizona's grave.
She has a spot in the sunshine; chosen by Callie because she knows Arizona would have hated being in the shade. She places the vase of flowers next to the headstone and arranges them neatly. There is a small stone nearby, the perfect perching spot, and she sits back, her eyes sweeping over the grave. In the six months that Arizona has been buried here, the weeds have taken over the small patch of grass that was trying to grow, and Callie makes a mental note to tidy it up.
She should have been here sooner, but her grief has kept her away until now.
The heart attack had been unexpected. One day Arizona was fine, laughing and joking as she played with their two grandchildren in the snow out in the garden; the next day, she had collapsed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, clutching her arm and turning blue as she struggled to breathe. She was gone quickly, leaving Callie cheated out of a goodbye or an 'I love you'. It had taken her a long time to accept that she was never going to hear those three words from her wife again.
Callie takes a deep breath and leans forward, her hands tracing the name chiselled into the headstone. "Happy anniversary, Arizona," she says in a hushed voice.
Talking to a grave feels weird, but she has so many things that she wants to say that she can't stop the words from tumbling out.
"I miss you – so much. I miss your smile and your laugh. No-one laughs at my jokes like you do. I miss the way you cry at stupid, soppy movies. I miss the way you roll your eyes when I say something stupid. I miss waking up and hearing you snore, even though you always deny it. I miss the feeling of having your arms wrapped around me. I miss your lips and the way you kiss me." Tears fall from her cheeks to her lap. "Oh, Arizona, I miss everything about you."
She wipes the tears away, but doesn't know why she bothers because they're quickly replaced with more.
"I sold the house. I know you're probably mad at me about that, but I couldn't bear being there without you. It was too big and too empty. I bought a little apartment not too far from the Shepherds. They've been really good since…" She twists her mouth sadly. "They've been really good to me. Zola and Bailey are always popping in with food, too. I thought about moving to New York to be closer to Sofia and the grandkids, but Seattle's home, you know? Seattle's where I grew old with you. I don't want to leave all those memories. I don't want to leave you."
She starts to pick at the weeds by her feet as she talks.
"Sofia calls practically every day to check in. She's doing good. She misses you a lot, I can tell. Isabella talks about you all the time. She's like a mini you. It's kinda nice, it's like we still have a piece of you with us. Max doesn't quite get it yet, he keeps asking where his Nana is and when she's coming back. I never know what to say to him."
She hears a young couple walking up the path and falls quiet, waiting for them to pass before she continues.
"I know you've been wondering why I haven't been to see you until now. I'm sorry it took me so long. I wanted to come, I just… I was mad at you for leaving me. I was mad at you for not saying goodbye. It was too soon, Arizona. I wasn't ready for you to go. There were still so many things that we were gonna do. We never went to Paris, we never took the train through the Rockies. And don't tell me to do them without you. I can't, I won't."
She reaches into her bag and pulls out the jewellery box, lifting the lid and hooking her finger through the chain. "We would have been married for forty years today. This ruby has been in my family for almost 200 years. My father had the necklace made for my mom on their fortieth wedding anniversary and I've been keeping it for you."
The stones glisten in the sunshine. Callie closes her eyes and sees Arizona, her face still so clear in her mind – her short blonde hair, bright blue eyes and beaming smile – and pictures the necklace around her neck, resting on her chest. More tears spill out. Her hand twitches, desperate to reach out and touch the soft skin of her wife's cheek.
"I thought about giving this to Sofia. I probably should. But it's yours and I want you to have it. It wouldn't feel right not giving it to you today."
She looks at the headstone again.
"We didn't quite get forty years, but we had thirty nine and a half, and you know they were the best thirty nine and a half years I could have ever asked for. I wouldn't change a minute of it."
Callie hangs the chain around her neck and fixes the clasp, letting the pendant fall against her chest. She reaches into her bag again and pulls out a garden trowel, falling onto her knees. She digs a small hole just in front of the headstone, pulling out the weeds as she goes. When the hole is deep enough, she takes the necklace off and lays the pendant in the palm of her hand. She looks at it one more time, before dropping it into the hole and curling the chain around so that it sits neatly in one spot. She covers it with dirt and pats the ground until there is only a small mound.
Despite her dirty hands, she brings the right one to her mouth and kisses it, before pressing it to the headstone.
"I love you."
The words float away in the breeze, leaving silence behind in their wake. Callie closes her eyes. Her grief consumes her and she isn't sure she's ever going to be able to let it go; isn't sure she wants to. At least the pain is real. Nothing else about this damn situation feels real.
She stuffs everything back into her bag and stands up, lingering at the end of the grave. It's taken six months to come here and now it's hard to leave.
"I'll come back, okay? I promise." She hugs her bag close to her chest. "Happy anniversary."
50th anniversary: gold.
Sofia finds the two white-gold wedding bands in a small jewellery bag in her Mami's bedside cabinet, a thick white-gold chain threaded through them to hold them together. When she was a little girl, she used to love to crawl into bed with her moms and squish herself between them. She would take their left hands in her tiny palms and fiddle with the identical rings they wore, demanding that they tell her the story of their wedding day over and over again. When she was six years old, she got to be a part of the renewal of their vows, marching proudly through the registrar's office in her favourite frilly blue dress, the rings safe in a box in her hands. She had grasped it so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.
After her Mama's death ten years ago, Callie had continued to wear her wedding ring. She wore Arizona's, too, on her little finger. She said it was her way of keeping Arizona with her at all times.
When the cancer came back, and it spread from Callie's breast to her stomach, and later her liver and kidneys, her body became frail and her fingers too thin for either ring. They were forever sliding off and Sofia had lost track of the number of times she had arrived at the apartment to find Callie in tears because she'd lost them down the back of the sofa or down the sink or in the trash can. Eventually, Sofia had bought her the chain so that her Mami could keep them close to her heart.
Sofia was never able to fill the gap that Arizona had left behind, no matter how hard she tried. Callie had dealt with her grief and learned to live on her own, but there was always a part of her missing. She had been happy; it was a different sort of happy than when Arizona had been with her, but it was a good sort of happy nonetheless.
When they realised that Callie was not going to win the fight against her cancer this time, Sofia had taken a sabbatical from work to care for her. They spent the last three months of her life reliving old memories, laughing and crying as they remembered their lives together. Sofia was always going to treasure those three months and the lifetime of memories that her mothers gave her. She had almost forty years of her moms together, another ten with her Mami, and she is grateful for every single moment. Their family was a pillar of strength, they always had been, no matter what the universe had thrown their way.
She thinks about her moms now as she drops the rings into her palm. She thinks of all the times she held their hands and could feel the thin metal against her fingers. They are cold against her skin and she rubs them to warm them up. Taking them in her left hand, she slides them one by one onto the third and little fingers of her right. They are the perfect fit.
"I miss you," she whispers into the quiet air. "You were the best moms a girl could ask for. I'm glad you're together now, where you belong." She holds her right hand in her left and runs her thumb over the two wedding bands. "Happy anniversary."