Hello dear readers, and welcome to what is definitely the strangest story published on this page!
For later reference:
Jayda is the Traveller
Koschei is the Master
Theta is the Doctor
Katen is a random character only for this story and
Jane Austen is Jane Austen
This story is based off of a plot bunny I had while rping in the Convergence, which is in no way mine. This plot is mine, but the Convergence belongs to the fantastic Bob (TheName'sBob) and Lena (xX-The-Mad-Man-With-A-Box-Xx). This is dedicated to CC (The Mighty Hammer Mew-Mew), so enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. This would be a pretty good episode, though.
"Ah yes," Koschei drawled, downing another small glass of something intoxicating, "There are millions of aliens in the universe, thousands that you can take classes about right here at the Academy, and only one that we're required to research in Primary." The Gallifrey Academy's advanced Human Natures class had finished up a tough exam and started a new lesson all in one day. As a reward, they'd decided to celebrate by going out to a bar of sorts called Duo, because it actually served liquor strong enough to affect Time Lord biology. There was a rumour that Duo purchased their drinks from Sontar, because those "potato-headed laser welders," as Koschei had so elegantly put it, were so hyped up on battle that they couldn't be sober.
"Kos, you decided to study humans too, so don't make it seem like the rest of us are idiots," Jayda complained good-naturedly, socking him on the shoulder.
"I'm making a point, Jayda, now hush and let me finish." Koschei stuck out his tongue in a moment of immaturity before returning to his flippant manner. "As I said, we've been forced to learn about this primitive species because of their 'shared characteristics,' putting them in a whole 'nother course than normal Extraterrestrial Studies, and so when the Head Professor asks us, 'What would you like your main field of alien study to be throughout your time at this illustrious Academy, we pick the only species in the whole of time and space that looks just like us!"
"I like the little buggers, they're cute," Theta said absentmindedly, his hands in his pockets, and the rest of the class gave a funny stare.
"Did you not hear what Koschei just said?" Katen asked flatly, waving a hand in front of Theta's face. "They look like us."
Theta shrugged, giving the lopsided grin that he was famous for. "My point stands. Compared to just about everyone out there, we're adorable." He reached for his drink then frowned; dug his hand back in his pocket and pulled out an iridescent slip of paper.
The class's response was instant as they all crowded around him. Theta grinned, inspecting it. "Oh-ho!" he practically yelled, which wasn't out of the ordinary with all the drunken comments around him. "Won't you look at this beauty!"
"Shut up and tell us what it is, why don't you?" Jayda asked impatiently, trying to get a better look. "I think I can speak for everyone when I say we don't need the suspense."
"Oxymoron," Theta quipped, beaming, and dangled it in front of Jayda's face. Her eyes widened, and the redhead shook her frizzy curls.
"No!" she gasped, grinning. "How'd you get your hands on that?"
"Oh, stop it!" piped up Koschei, snatching the paper from Theta's fingers and getting a look at it himself. His reaction was no different. "Theta, how…?"
"What is it?!" someone yelled, and they were met with a rallying cry.
Koschei was more than happy to spill the beans. "It's a TARDIS clearance pass!" he advertised grandly, handing it off the person on his left and letting them pass it around. Exclamations of shock were heard all around.
"How the hell did Theta get his hands on a TARDIS clearance slip?"
"Our Theta? Someone trusted him enough?"
"Oh my second sun, he had to have stolen it!"
"Good Rassilon, I thought they were joking!"
"Didn't he fail his exams?"
Theta coloured and took the pass back. "Not the second time," he said haughtily, patting down a mess of blonde hair. "That's not the point, though –"
"Let's steal a TARDIS!" This came from Jayda and the class enthusiastically agreed; even Koschei looked impressed.
"Technically, it's not stealing if I have a pass," Theta pointed out mischievously, flaunting said pass in front of their excited eyes.
"It sounds better that way!" Jayda crowed, laughing. "Now let's go, move –" And thus started the Advanced Human Studies class's game of 'how many Earthen languages can we speak.'
"Allons-y!" French.
"Mennään!" Finnish.
"Förum!" Icelandic.
"Poďme!" Slovak.
And a boatload of others were shouted as they headed out.
The TARDIS farm was cold and dark as the class headed in, given the 'okay' by an annoyed looking guard who Koschei had given bunny ears from behind. Jayda had whacked him, Koschei whacked her back, Theta told them that they shouldn't whack people and soon enough there was an all-out whacking contest.
"You three, stop it!" Katen yelled when they started squabbling over who won. "Someone's gonna think we don't actually have clearance to be in there and that'll be the end of that." The trio shut up so quickly that the sudden silence was almost eerie. "Well, you can talk a bit, just don't scream like Gallifrey's going to hell."
"Oh, goodie," Koschei whispered into Jayda's ear. "We can just talk like this."
She batted him away and made a face. "Sweet Rassilon, don't, that's creepy," Jayda complained, scooting to Katen's side. In return, Koschei tugged on one of Jayda's curls. "That too!" she frowned at him.
Theta whispered in her other ear, "How about this?"
"I hate you both," Jayda griped, putting her hands on her ears and stalking away from them. They followed her anyway and soon enough the whole class had found a suitable TARDIS. They fed in the slip – it was a three hour clearance pass – and then fought over who was going to pilot it.
"Not Koschei, he's drunk," someone pointed out bluntly. Koschei smacked his aforementioned peer but everyone knew that they would probably end up at the bottom of an ocean if Koschei took the controls.
There was a sufficient amount of squabbling before they came to an agreement. "Jayda can do it!"
"Oh, that's not fair," Koschei frowned. "She's no less drunk than I am!"
"Please," Jayda snorted, "First of all you know that's not true, and even if I was, I'm the best pilot in this TARDIS." This prompted a fresh bout of arguing. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Jayda ended up yelling, taking the controls. "This is my ship now, and we're going to see Jane Austen!"
There was laughter from the class at this. They all liked Jane Austen well enough, having read her books as a part of an Influential Alien celebration. But that wasn't the cause of laughter, no, it was more Jayda's initial reaction to seeing the middling height, slim and dark haired young woman.
"By the second sun," she had whispered in the silent classroom, "is she – ah, what's the human for it – married?"
And so there was little argument, for once, as to where they were going, if simply because everyone wanted to see Jayda make a fool of herself in front of the illustrious authoress.
They were in flight when Jayda slipped up on the controls. Koschei had trickled a small line of water onto her head, which made her yelp and smash her hand on the console. "Aaaaaghh you little triple-backsided son of a stinking horseradish!" she swore at him – or the gist of what she said via what Gallifreyan obscenities could be translated into English.
It was only then that Jayda realised something was messed up – not too much, but enough to make things awkward. "Crap," she said aloud, prompting a resounding 'What?'
"We're about to land in Jane Austen's living room in the middle of the night," Koschei announced, checking the readings, and the TARDIS thumped to a stop in agreement.
The door creaked open and everyone in the class peaked out their heads to a nice looking home with a fire burning in the hearth. For a moment there was silence and everyone was wondering if they'd managed to sneak in unnoticed.
Then came footsteps. The Academy's Advanced Human Nature class exchanged a glance and someone disappeared back into the console room.
"Oh," Theta breathed excitedly, "this was such a bad idea."
And then she appeared.
It was a young Jane Austen herself, dressed in a flowy nightgown that made Jayda blush and a sleeping cap that was fitting of the time, drawing her dark hair into an updo. Rambunctious curls bounced out of it anyway and Jane's eyes were sharp as she took in the gaggle of people across from her. "Sweet Rassilon," Koschei whispered into Jayda's ear. She just smirked and sent him a look that said mine.
Jayda herself had taken in Jane's appearance and decided it was time to say something – apparently, the first thing that came to mind. "Are you wearing anything under that nightgown?"
The Time Lords all laughed and Jane looked scandalised. Of course she would, considering the time period. "It is none of your business," the woman replied haughtily, looking very out of place even though it was, after all, her house.
"Yet," Jayda replied simply, and Jane started. Jayda's first and current regeneration was tall, slim and lanky, with high cheekbones and dressed in a cream coloured jumper, leggings, and a scarf. Apparently, Jane Austen found it appealing.
"Alright, then," the author replied daringly, and the class nearly pinched themselves and wondered if they'd gotten a question about why Jane Austen never married completely incorrect.
They watched, completely entranced and a bit disappointed that no one had thought to bring a video camera, as Jayda disentangled herself from the group and came to stand in front of Jane. "You never answered my question," Jayda told Jane in a low tone and a Devil-may-care smirk.
Jane went on tip toe to whisper something in the Time Lady's ear, to which Jayda laughed. The group behind her erupted into quiet murmurings and of course, full out squabbles.
"Your clothing is very unladylike," Jane said suddenly, a frown painting her delicate features. "Who are you?"
Thus came the psychic paper out of Jayda's pocket and Theta checked his own pocket. "Ah -!" he said indignantly when he realised that the paper in her hand was stolen. "Miss Thomasina Lefroy," Jayda replied with a wink, holding it up. "Freelancer."
"She's ridiculous," Koschei muttered from the TARDIS. "I don't know why we put up with this one."
"I think we all flunked the portion on Jane Austen," Theta replied calmly, clasping his hands. "Learn something new every day."
"You can call me Tom," Jayda had gone on to say, and Jane Austen smiled.
"Tom Lefroy," the writer echoed, and the Time Lady nodded. "Tell me about this sort of freelancing you do."
"I suppose you say I learn about everything and everyone that I can, in any way that I can," Jayda replied with a hum. The double meaning was not lost on anyone in the room. "And when I have the chance, I travel." Jayda tilted her head to the side, letting orange-gold hair cascade down her shoulder. "And I dance."
"Get a room," Koschei muttered.
"Someone payed attention to the lesson," Katen snorted, and there were affirmative hums all around. "If I had the chance to flirt with Jane Austen, I'd certainly read up about her first."
Indeed, Jane's eyes had lit up when Jayda mentioned dancing. "Oh?" she asked, curiosity coloring her voice. "We ought to go elsewhere to speak."
"And what are we, chopped liver?" Theta asked a bit too loudly, grinning at Jayda.
"No, you're the peanut gallery," Jayda replied sweetly, "Now hush."
There was a small amount of time where the class stood around laughing, and then realised that one of their peers had just violently flirted with and then gone… elsewhere with Jane Austen, which quelled the laughter somewhat.
"I just hope they have clothes on when we come to take her back," Koschei shrugged, the most nonchalant about all this.
"Please, you wish you were in her place," someone in the back piped up, which started the laughter again.
"Someone's got to, though," Theta pointed out, "Who nominates someone?"
"Make Katen do it!" Koschei suggested, pointing at the Time Lady. "They're friends, and Jayda would kill Theta or me if we went in. The rest of you don't know her well enough, so whaddaya say, Kat?"
Katen glared at the smiling Koschei then conceded, sliding one foot then the other out of the TARDIS. Koschei gave her a thumbs up and Katen glowered back at him. She made her way up the stairs and disappeared for a good minute in which everything was absolutely silent.
It was broken by the sound of Katen giggling and poking her head back down to the rest of the group. "You've got to come upstairs and see this!"
With a noise a bit quieter than a herd of elephants, the Advanced Human Nature class paraded up the stairs to see Jayda and Jane Austen snogging. Koschei would later describe it as "magnificent and weird as all hell."
Theta knocked on the doorframe, alerting them to the others' presence, and Jayda looked up when they were finished. Her face was flushed and she stood, brushing down her outfit. "Night, love," was all she said to Jane Austen, giving the writer a shameless kiss on the cheek.
Jane coloured, then spoke. "To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love," she said, "and you're a fantastic dancer."
The class waited until they were back in the TARDIS with Jayda at the controls to burst into laughter, talking and repeating things that had been said during their time with one of the world's most famous authors.
Theta leaned on the console, grinning lopsidedly until Jayda paid him any attention. "You do realise that you just snogged Jane Austin, don't you?" he asked.
"Among other things, yes," Jayda replied flippantly, then grinned. "Probably one of the most interesting things I'll ever do."
"We're gonna have to keep tabs on her, make sure that there's no rewriting of history," Koschei chimed in, looking excited for the prospect.
"Please! I was meant to happen all along," Jayda bragged, the same smirk on her features. "You have heard of Tom Lefroy, haven't you?"
The two boys exchanged looks that were somewhere between shock and amazement, then spoke at the same time. "Are you telling me that –"
Her response echoed throughout the console room. "Absolutely!"
They did end up keeping tabs on Jane Austen through a camera – no one knew how Theta and Koschei had managed to plant it in the top right corner of her living room window, and it was better that way. The Advanced Human Nature class was only mentioned once, to a friend – "I recently had the most magnificent dream in which a hoard of attractive young people came to stand in this very place –" but Tom Lefroy popped up a few more times. Jayda would waltz into class with a dazzling smile on her face, and everyone would check the camera feed that night.
In the grand scheme of things, though, their adventure was inconsequential, save for the fact that Jayda had perhaps written herself into history. No one was harmed, though, and the authorities were none the wiser.
Historical note: Tom Lefroy did, in fact, exist and was indeed a love interest of Jane Austen's. Lefroy, however, was not (as far as I know) a Time Lady. And yes, in case you were wondering, Thomasina is indeed a real name. You can google it.
The Traveller in her first regeneration, as pictured here, is a bit different from Convergence!Jayda. Don't worry. If anyone would like to know, her FC is Amy Davidson.
Anyways! Don't forget to drop a review, that'd be lovely :)
Til next time,
-Ivy