Career Explorations
Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto, though it would be nice if I did
Summary: Pain's original plan sparked disagreement among the Akatsuki members: For the lack of funds, each member will seek an "urban" career. But to 7 homicidal men, would it be even be possible to be hired?
Genre: Humor
Pairings: slight Tobi/Deidara, Kisame/Itachi, Hidan/Kakuzu (nothing severe I assure you)
AN: pure crackfic. I hatched this wicked idea during career and life management class last year. It never had the chance for it to be on paper until friends prodded me. LONGER CHAPS, MORE CONTENT GUYS
Enjoy.
Chapter 1: one hundred dollars
Rain coated the surface of the Akatsuki hideout, glazing the pathways, to conceal even the unobvious details of the rock-surfaced cave they currently resided in.
Pain the godlike, epitome of perfection brushed his fingers through his fair, tangy hair and eased his Rennegan so the rain subsided to a drizzle. He pulled himself up by the elbow and craned his neck for the clock – 5:02 am. Then he relaxed back under his times like these, he could hardly get any rest. Not that he needed any with his god-like powers, but he wasn't exactly an insomniac either…the task before him was greater than any mission he accomplished prior to forming the Akatsuki: he had the lives of 7 homicidal, capable, but still immature men to care for. Training, babysitting, not to mention feeding… (he immediately thought of Itachi's supper from last night which sat undigested in his stomach). For these seemingly independent men, they were truly infants.
And like any mother…er father Pain reminded himself, his job didn't get any easier when his debit card was drained to the last $100. He knew there needed to be a solution – and fast. $100 in the middle of an abandoned hideout wasn't going to last them more than two days. Not to mention he still had tasks in front of him. With a deep sigh, pain reached into his drawers for his miserable agenda.
Pain's To-do list:
Capturing Jinjurikis: 3-tails and 7-tails
Installing wireless
iPad reward for Tobi (not going to happen with $100)
Killing Naruto…slowly
Destroy Konoha
Oh yes, very important tasks indeed. When none of this was to be checked off, Pain felt just a teeniest bit of panic in his throat. He knew he still had one last-resort plan, but the question was: how will his Akatsuki family take it?
Beep!
Txt message to: Itachi/Kisame/Hidan/Kakuzu/Deidara/Tobi/Zetsu
From: Pain
Subject: Meet at 8 am in the foyer. Don't be late (yes Hidan…you too)
Txt Message sent!
Beep!
Txt message to: Pain
From: Hidan
Fuck. Too early.
Txt Message sent!
Beep!
Txt message to: Hidan
From: Pain
Come. Or else.
Txt Message sent! No more messages to display.
Your text message charges: $0.15 x 9 = $1.35
Your local service fee: $5.00
Total: $6.35
Thank you for using Shinobi Mobility – we're faster than you.
Please upgrade to premium Wireless Network
And here he was just talking about funds and immaturity.
7:58 am
"This is interesting," Kisame crackled as he wandered to the foyer with his Sharingan counterpart. "It seems to me we haven't had a decent meeting in a while."
"What are you smoking?" Deidara's higher-pitched voice echoed as he crossed the threshold. "The last was just a month ago."
"hn. if you count that one," Itachi's onyx eyes fixed in Hidan's direction.
"What the hell did you say?" Hidan hadn't forgotten his public humiation when he flooded the hideout one morning after a record-breaking two hour shower. Before he could say 'fuck-you-drain' Pain had him punished by being the Akatsuki slave-of-the-day, the claimed it the day Hidan learned: mother doesn't clean up your messes. You do.
But that's another story.
As the rest of the crew settled around the hexagonal foyer, Pein teleported in the centre at exactly 8:00 am, not a second early or late.
"Good morning Leader-sama!" Tobi bowed and dodged in time for a pebble from his sempai.
"Aa. Perfect attendance for once," he looked around at the bleary-eyed, bushy-tailed members.
"I'm impressed," Pain nodded and when even Tobi shut his mouth, he began the meeting.
"In the spirit of your growth in the Akatsuki, you all contributed on your individual missions. Most of you completed tasks independently-" he acknowledged Itachi, Kisame and Kakuzu. "And others," he glowered at Deidara, Hidan in particular. "Need some work to do."
"This time however," he took out a parchment. "I'll be asking you to take on a mission as a group."
He emphasized, "A functional group."
Though no one replied, the intelligent leader could tell no one was particularly pleased. All, that is, except for Tobi, who did a happy dance as if a five year old, "yes!"
Pain carried on, "To accomplish greater deeds for the organization-"
It was Deidara's turn, "there's no WAY, I'm working with that swirly-head. I mean…look at that moron! Un."
True. Tobi did look like he was going to wet himself with joy, but he was far from being a moron…Tobi looked askance at his mentor.
"I did not ask for your opinion…" He beckoned for Itachi, who withdrew a shuriken and toyed with it around his index finger, waiting to spring at Pain's command.
Deidara gulped and resumed his position, glowering at everyone in the room.
"Like I said. I expect everyone to return with parts of the share and the exceptional can look forward to my little reward."
"Your mission is to…pursue an urban career."
Silence followed, and the last word career echoed eerily in the foyer…silence that distinguished even the drizzle from out the cave.
Hidan's jaw dropped, "you mean like work without ninjutsu like shitty little humans?"
He lost himself and cracked up with Deidara's sniggering.
Even Kisame's lips curled to a sly grin, "this is…new"
"You fucking sure, some of us will ever find jobs?" He blurted out, teary-eyed from sporadic laughs but darting his pupils to his partner's direction.
Kakuzu cracked his knuckles forcefully, "are you indicating to yourself?"
"Why you…"
That's when Tobi's voice sang through the air.
"I've always wanted to be a chef," he said dreamily.
"You'll be the sirloin when I'm done with you," Deidara scoffed.
There was a moment of silence that Tobi's comment brought, despite the ridiculous idea in front of their plate. Their minds twisted into something like this:
If I had a job…what would I be? And where would I be?
When all the kurfuffle reached its climax, Pain cleared his throat.
"This will be an individual career without your partner's aid. However, I've prepared a $50 seminar on necessary career preparations."
He was sure he heard Hidan say what the fuck, but continued imperturbably.
"And the instructed..." he searched through his brochures. "Gai sensei. A prominent one apparently-"
"WHO?"
"Gai-sensei." Pain repeated. But knew what was coming.
"Gay-sensei?" Then a chorus of laughter. "That's a hell of a name." Hidan was turning scarlet when his lungs couldn't do the job.
"And I thought Itachi's name was hilarious.." (Itachi means weasel btw). Itachi narrowed his eyes.
"Gai-sensei," Pain repeated an octave lower. "Starts lessons tomorrow at 7:30 am."
Someone muttered "too early".
"…and if I see absents on the attendance…I will be dealing with the absent-minded personally." He finished. Folded his parchments calmly and closed his eyes.
…This was what he meant by babysitting.
Tobi was already giving his a sincere applause…er clap since no one joined him. Everyone else lingered on the same question as before…
Who am I going to be?
7:15 am
"Kisame."
Silence.
"Kisame.
Again, silence.
A pillow flew across the dorm onto Kisame's open mouth. He sat up puzzled with kunais in each hand.
"What? Are we under attack?"
Itachi just smirked, "No…but career building course is about to begin."
"Screw that. Who does Pain think we are?"
"…Unemployed men?" Itachi answsered suggestively.
Kisame reached beside his mattress for his Akatsuki top when Itachi reminded him, "Shirts only today."
"Oh. Right." He scratched his head an gave the newly delivered t-shirts one sniff before pulling it over his head…No charkra. No (comfortable) clothing. No sword. No Itachi…
This was going to be a long day...
7:31 am
When they each took their respective seats, the green toad-looking man with abnormally long eyelashes and a mullet-cut straightened himself from his leaning position and spoke.
"My oh my, what a group of youthful, wonderful students I have.
"Youthful my ass…" Hidan thought.
"I'm sooo delighted to be your mentor in this course…" Then with a wink at his front row…namely Zetsu and Zetsu alone, whose white side winced and moved a few inches back. "I can tell it's gonna be good." He added.
I can tell too…Deidara thought. After you get thrown out.
"My name is Gai-sensei! You can fill that on the front of your career profiles quiz under 'instructor'."
Hidan scribbled an ugly Gay-sensei and nudged Kakuzu next to him.
"Please open to the first page of the quiz. Remember it diagnoses where you excel most. Remember to be completely honest."
And he blushed…revealing a horrific image that reminded Hidan of a large bullfrog. He shuddered.
"If you're shy of anything, or have questions, raise up your hand and I'll be right…" He snapped his fingers. "There in a nanosec."
When nobody seemed to listen to him, he beamed and leaned back in his armchair and hummed the unmistakable tune…Lady GaGa's Bad Romance.
Bingo! Suspicions confirmed. This man was indeed gay.
The class of zombies opened to the second page of the "quiz".
"Profile test helps you discover career choices that match with your key personality traits. As you may appreciate, choosing a career that resonates with your personality can tremendously increase your chances of success.
At the same time, please note that discovering personality type is more of an art than a science (Deidara was going to like this one). Questionnaires can help you in your quest, and so can other people. But they don't always have the right answers. The only real expert in your personality is YOU."
Also, the personality tests do not take into account several other factors like your aspirations, skills, family background, etc. while recommending career choices. Our counseling solutions can help you expand and refine career choices based on these factors."
Zetsu repeated the phrase and read and re-read it several times until his eyes were crossed.
"The only…expert in your personality is you…" he murmured.
"Hey leaf-face, you sure you're ok?" Came Hidan's voice from the second row. Zetsu looked as if he was going to faint. Maybe the text was too much for him…
Page 3: Diagnostic Test
Please circle your preferred choice.
(I'm just going to input everyone's responses here)
1. You're never late for your appointments. YES. NO.
Itachi: YES
Kisame: YES
Hidan: NO
Kakuzu: NO
Deidara: YES (lied)
Tobi: YES
Zetsu: YES
2. You like to be engaged in an active and fast paced job.
Itachi: YES
Kisame: YES
Hidan: YES
Kakuzu: NO
Deidara: YES
Tobi: YES
Zetsu: NO
3. it's difficult to get you excited.
Itachi: YES
Kisame: YES
Hidan: YES (lied)
Kakuzu: YES
Deidara: YES (also lied)
Tobi: NO
Zetsu: YES
...
…The questions drawled on until even Itachi…the fastest reader, the best analyst grew weary after the last question.
Itachi spent a few happy moments recollecting his thoughts, but knew it could only last so long before…
"Oh my fucking god, I failed," Hidan wailed unmistakably behind him.
"My YOUTHFUL friend, you are awfully mistaken, there's no pass or fail, careers are all about you!"
"You call this a pass?" Hidan banged his head against the desk.
"What did you get?" The muffled voice of his partner inquired.
Hidan immediately hovered over his quiz like a protective mother over her child, while Kakuzu rolled his eyes. Could it be that humiliating for him? After the bath-tub incident where he had to literally act as the Akatsuki slave-of-the-day…was that anything close to what he had to endure on the embarrassment scale?
Now Kakuzu was interested.
He matched the scores and got a "real estate agent" but didn't quite understand what the job entailed.
Meanwhile in the other side of the classroom, Kisame's pupils darted to the Sharingan Master's page. Itachi didn't flinch.
"Musician…" Kisame sounded out the word awkwardly. "What's that?"
"A performer I believe." Itachi glanced at his partner sheet in return for the favor.
"Plumber?" The raven-haired man's blood shot eyes narrowed amusingly.
"Yea. Apparently it's a pipefixing guy." Kisame shrugged unsure of whether he should be content or not.
Oh well…he thought. The descriptions seems to match. Water pipes. Maintenance. Regular pay. On call. The only word missing. He sighed mentally…was Chakra.
He knew his master over H2O was his one trait renowned to nearly all the Shinobi villages. He shouldn't have problems with a simple pipe maintenance job…right?
His thoughts evaporated once more as Tobi's hand shot into the air…He could've sworn Gai sensei did the Lady Gaga Hip Thrust. First question of the day! Kisame twitched.
"When do we start sensei?" He half-exclaimed audible to the entire room.
"Oh don't be hasty now," Gai-sensei wagged his index finger in front of Tobi's mask. "Tomorrow, you'll leave with the secret," *wink*, "of employment success.
Whatever that meant. Bu Tobi was equipped with his spirit enough as it was.
Suddenly a crmpled parchment sailed through the air and landed after a bounce on Tobi's desk. The swirly-masked man cocked his head to see which culprit distracted him, he unfurled the sheet…
What did you get moron?
Tobi's eyes glittered as he scratched an answer when Gai turned his back on them, he returned the note to none other than his sempai.
A chef! XD I'm so glad! How about you sempai?
Deidara flinched at the heart scribbled beside 'sempai' and menacingly crossed it out before throwing the note back.
Art exhibition guide. I win. fool.
Tobi gave his mentor the thumbs up sign.
When the minute hand merely brushed the apex of the analog clock at the front of the board, the seven sleep-deprived men marched out the threshold in white shirts, unaccustomed to wearing the tight fabric as opposed to the lose silky Akasuki robes. Deidara and Hidan didn't hesitate to pull theirs over their head revealing fine-toned layers of muscle…a waste in a confined classroom in the middle of a sparse town.
"I could be capturing jinjuukis right now," Itachi murmured half-heartedly.
There was a pause.
"I'd be offering to Jashin-sama right now."
"I'd be making money without some retarded instructor," Kakuzu spat.
"and watering my beautiful hana," Zetsu sighed wistfully.
"or sleeping," Kisame yawned.
"…or frying the Gay idiot's mullet to a crisp," Deidara cursed.
"OR…earning Leader-sama's reward." Tobi announced, a high-pitched contrast to the morbidly monotonous remarks.
"Shut up dumbass. Who cares about some stupid reward. Un."
"Come to think of it, what is the reward?" The Sharingan-wielder ventured.
"Probably some cheap shit." Hidan stretched his arms over his head. The second he heard a *poof* behind him, Hidan wished he was in another country.
"So Akatsuki…What did you learn today?"
AN: This was 10 pages! 10 packed pages on word. The longest chapter in my entire history of writing on this site! Still think this is an absurd idea? Congrats because there's more to come. I'm sort of new at humor though, so I really need inspiration to continue.
Faster updates will depend on reviews. I'm not sure if I should continue it... good? bad? review.