~The Realization Regeneration~

A Vignette in two parts

-Summary: Sheldon gets a wake-up call, in more ways than one. We all know this will not happen. But oh…how I wish it would. Takes place hours after the 'breakup'. I honestly feel a break would do them good. But the Shipper in me wants them back together pronto! Slightly OOC Shamy. But when the moment moves you, you go with the flow. Enjoy.

-Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory. This is for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement intended.

-Rated M for a reason.

Part 1

If asked later how it happened, Sheldon honestly couldn't say. He could not trace back the exact tipping point of when and how the dam broke. But it broke, alright. And the once proud Homo Novus was washed away on a river of emotions that he had heretofore denied existed.

There were indicators that he was heading down that river without a paddle, tumultuous as it was.

One was lust, of course. And another, was longing. And finally, a strange sense of wanting something forbidden. Just knowing she no longer wanted to see him, at least for the foreseeable future, hurt him deeply. But it also opened a chasm that he had previously kept sealed. It forced him to take a step back and really ponder just what Amy's words meant. And how much her absence, even for an hour, was making his body react in strange ways.

His heart was pounding a rhythm out of his chest. His hands were sweating. His mind was racing. His lungs felt too small for his chest cavity. His blood felt like it was simmering. And his soul…his soul felt empty. As though the vessel which held all of his hopes and dreams were knocked over and their contents spilled out. He could do nothing but watch helplessly as the contents scurried along the floorboards, sinking into the wood.

No…he didn't know what exactly the driving force behind this was. But it didn't matter anymore, as Sheldon would soon discover.

He had been calm on the phone when Amy dropped her bombshell. Maybe it was shock, but he couldn't say for sure. He knew himself well enough to know that if he had been in his right mind, he would have thrown a tantrum and called Amy out on her speech. But no accusations came to mind as her sad face filled his monitor.

She didn't do this to force his hand, as she might have done in the past. Too much had happened this year between them, and the time for petty mind games had come and gone. She honestly felt that a break was necessary to decide whether or not to continue being his girlfriend. After disconnecting the call and asking Gollum for advice, he sat there in silence for at least an hour.

His mind went over the possible reasons for this sudden shift. They had been doing so well lately. He had even bought her that ring. After the misunderstanding about Mars, he really felt they had leapt over a huge roadblock in their relationship. She now knew he wanted her with him anywhere he went, and he now knew she wanted to have his children someday. If that didn't scream commitment, well then he was oblivious as to what did.

But that voice that he hated to listen to, kept whispering in his ear.

'Was it really necessary to ask her that asinine question about the Flash?'

Sheldon huffed, standing up and pacing the floor.

"You know why I did that," He said out loud, not caring if he sounded like a crazy person. Nobody answered him, though, and the deafening roar of silence filled his ears.

'Is it always going to be this way? You, running and retreating when things get too heavy? Doesn't she deserve more? Doesn't she deserve to at least know the truth?'

Sheldon forced out a self-deprecating laugh.

"Ha! The truth. Even I don't know what the truth is." He spit out, lying.

He sat down again, this time in his spot.

'You can lie to her, although not forever. But you can't lie to yourself.'

He never thought of it from her point of view. Armed with a relationship agreement and a much ballyhooed claim of being the perfect boyfriend, he had mistakenly thought they were at the same place. Obviously, they weren't.

'Being your girlfriend is so challenging…emotionally and physically.'

What did she mean by that remark? Emotionally and physically? That was odd; he never asked her to move a sofa. Or carry a mattress up four flights of stairs, as Penny once had him and Leonard do. How was being with him physically challenging?

He closed his eyes, focusing on that word.

Physically.

Suddenly, as though a lightbulb appeared over his head, the meaning of her words and that word in particular came to him. She was…horny. He aroused her, and left her hanging every single time they were together.

'I'm always hoping'….

Oh.

Oh, dear. So that's it. He was hurting Amy by not allowing her to let her passion follow its natural conclusion.

He had heard Howard and Raj once talking about a term called blue balls, as it pertained to a man. He wondered if the same could hold true for a woman. Had he done that to Amy the other night, when they were making out and he opened his mouth to spout nonsense about The Flash? Had she been hoping that night that they would go further?

Had he?

Maybe his psyche was right; he had been lying to her for so long. At least, by omission. Spiteful taunts, sarcastic looks…all she wanted was the pleasure of teasing her boyfriend. He had never given her an inch; always making her feel awful about her desires and her sexuality. Rather than admitting that he was finding it difficult to keep resisting temptation, he hid behind his bravado and his armor.

"What am I going to do?" He wondered aloud, looking around his empty home and finding no comfort.

He had wandered around his apartment for hours that night, moving restlessly from room to room. He couldn't concentrate enough to do anything he usually enjoyed. Watching a movie was out. So were video games. He couldn't focus enough to read, and trying to get any work done seemed unimaginable. The hours counted down to midnight, and he was no closer to understanding the way to make this right then he was hours before.

It seemed that every word Amy said to him on that last Skype call had found their way into the area of Sheldon's brain that he kept locked down; it was the place that he secretly hid his insecurities, his longings, and his desires. It was a place he'd long since accepted, albeit with much trepidation. Yet it was still a place that he knew was unfamiliar territory.

To admit such a vast wasteland existed shamed him. He was, after all, a Homo Novus. Or so he had thought, until a green eyed vixen from Glendale crossed his path and made him doubt everything he ever thought to be true about himself.

His friends thought he was clueless in the ways of sex. Even more so in the ways of love. But you don't have an IQ of 187 without gathering some information along the way. The situation was that he knew all about the pleasures of the flesh. He wasn't oblivious to the act itself, nor the lead up to it. He meant what he told Penny when he said the last five years with Amy Farrah Fowler had been foreplay.

What he was oblivious to, however, was ever thinking those emotions would never touch him. That he'd be safe in his little bubble, keeping Amy ensconced safely outside.

She had gotten past his defenses, the clever minx. And he couldn't even blame her or think badly of her. She was in love with him. That much was clear. Evidenced by her bleak tone when she told him she did indeed love him, but she needed some time to step back and decide what she wanted from this relationship.

He let on to her earlier that he would respect her wishes and adhere to the break Amy had demanded. She made no mention of how long this break would last, to Sheldon's chagrin. He found himself distracted and worried that the more time that would pass between them, the deeper the gulf would grow. Would Amy tell him at the end of the break that she was done with him and his exhausting ways?

No. Amy loved him. And love was…it had to be the most…it was all that…

Good Lord. He couldn't even articulate his thoughts in his own mind!

The night dragged on, his feelings of unease growing stronger with each passing moment.

He fell into bed, exhausted. He tossed and turned for hours, falling into a fitful sleep unable to get any peace.

Then the most peculiar thing happened.

After hours of restlessness, Sheldon had been roused by an erotic dream. With Amy as the star.

It began simply enough; the two of them at the zoo, enjoying the koala's and the monkey's and smiling at each other with those secret grins. All of a sudden, they were inside Amy's car in the carpark, going at it like savages. Bare skin was uncovered, teeth and sweat and saliva and god…wetness. Wetness everywhere. Hers, and his, intermingling and it was the most erotic thing he had ever felt.

They were in the backseat, Sheldon's tall frame in the middle with his legs across the front console. Dream Amy was straddling his lap, moving upon him in such a way that had dream Sheldon moaning and grabbing her backside to grind her deeper into him. Her supple body melted into him as he moved with her…back and forth, creating a crescendo of friction that threatened to eat him alive.

'You're mine…' dream Sheldon moaned, bearing his teeth and sinking them into dream Amy's shoulder.

Sheldon jolted awake, gasping with sweat plastering his hair to his forehead and his pajama pants uncomfortably tight. He sat up, looking around the room and tried to focus. He was afraid to look down and see the evidence of his dream looking back at him. But he couldn't help it. Nor deny his reaction to it, as the sight of his own erection stirred something inside of him primal and wild.

Amy had caused this. And she wasn't even here.

He was no stranger to arousal. In the last year especially, he had more than one incident where he'd become excited by Amy. But never like this. He was so…hard. As the hardness increased, so did the size. He was stunned just how much excitement was on display.

The dream had seemed so real. He could still feel the weight of her on his lap, the phantom imprint of her skin across his. He could swear he smelled traces of her scent in the air, infiltrating his nostrils. The olfactory memory only worsened his dilemma. He sat there helpless as he grew harder by the second.

Had he ever allowed himself to have a full on erection over his feelings for Amy? He knew without even pondering that question that the answer was no. He would always take a cold shower to diffuse the tension. Or practice meditation to calm himself down. A thought lodged inside his brain in that moment; a dark, menacing thought that left him shaking.

He didn't want to calm himself down this time. He wanted to experience the feelings of arousal coursing through his body. It felt…good. Better than good. It felt wicked, and naughty, and decadent. Things that Sheldon Cooper would never let himself experience before.

A part of him felt dirty. This was so wrong, or so he tried to tell himself. It was unhygienic. It was messy. The list of negatives came into focus at a rapid fire pace. But for once in his life, he forced every negative thought aside. He was a grown man, in the comfort of his own bed, and he was alone. If he wanted to pleasure himself, then by god…no one was going to stop him. Least of all his manic mind.

Sheldon laid back down, trying to get comfortable. An image of Amy warm and fragrant from the bath he'd given her once popped into his mind, pushing out everything else. Her naked skin was rosy and warm as he'd dried her off. He had tried to be as clinical as possible. Had she noticed how his hands were shaking as he drew the towel down her chest, skimming over her breasts in the process?

"Oh, my." He whispered, the memory sending a shiver down his spine. It was the first and only time he'd seen his girlfriend's breasts. He tried to deny how much seeing her body had affected him. But now, years later and on the cusp of setting his mind free, he didn't want to deny it. He wanted to savor it.

His girlfriend was perfect. She wasn't a stick figure with skin and bones. She was a healthy, vital woman that had curves and substance. She may not have been flawless, but that only added to her allure as far as he was concerned. He remembered how her soft skin felt as he drew the washcloth across it, momentarily using his bare hands to soap up her skin before using the cloth again. He remembered how her breathing was at first deep and steady, then shallow and wispy. He thought at the time she was ill. It only made sense her breathing would be erratic. Now, he knew she had been lying. Perhaps her breathing was such because he was arousing her.

What if he had known she was lying before the bath? What if he had shocked her then, and touched her? Moved his hand to her breast, and fondled her? Would she have allowed it? She was the one who started it, after all; insisting he bathe her knowing she wasn't weak and could do so herself. What was going through her mind at the time?

Sheldon knew without a doubt just what had been going through her mind. She wanted him to touch her. Anywhere and any way. She took what she could get from him then, since she knew it was her only chance. She had been suffering for years, needing contact from him, and he blithely forbid it.

It startled him to face the truth that if the situation presented itself again, there would be no stopping on his part. He would give in, and he would give them what they both craved.

His hand of its own volition reached down to gently stroke himself. At the first touch, Sheldon groaned so loudly that he had to roll his face into his pillow to stifle his cries. He closed his eyes, for the first time ever allowing his mind to take a break and allowing his body the release it needed.

He imagined it was Amy's hand stroking him. At first, with a gentle touch but then harder. Firmer. Faster. She would know exactly how to touch him. She was a Scientist. She had taken numerous courses on anatomy and physiology. She knew how the human body worked inside and out. It frightened and thrilled him to think just how much she knew about sex, even having never done it before.

She could teach him things. She could show him how to please her. And he would.

She already owned him heart and soul. If he surrendered his body to her as well, he would be a goner.

Oh…but to be owned by Amy Farrah Fowler. Her razor sharp wit and fierce intelligence were the most tempting things about her. But he could not and would not deny anymore that her beauty roused him like no other ever could. He had been in the dark all of his life. By choice, perhaps. But the lonely existence he adhered to had worn him down.

He was tired. Tired of trying to pretend he didn't want a physical relationship with his girlfriend. Tired of trying to be superior to everyone. Tired, of allowing his fears to rule his life. He didn't want to be an 80 year old man with a Nobel Prize and nobody in his life to share it with.

Sitting up, he yanked his pants and briefs down in one fell swoop, marveling at how unafraid he was in that moment to bring this to completion. Returning to his task with delicious vigor, he lay back down and actually watched his hands movements. He had knowledge of how this particular act was done; he was a man who had urges after all. But it had been years since he allowed himself this kind of release. And the need was never this strong. The sight of his manhood filling his hands was turning him on exponentially. Experiencing such an intimate touch felt hollow, though…something was missing. As good as it felt, something just wasn't right.

A jarring thought hit him in that moment: he could have the real thing anytime he wanted. He was pair bonded with a beautiful, intelligent woman. He knew Amy loved him, and she herself said she was always hoping they would move toward further intimacy.

She wanted him. He wanted her. It was so simple.

Wasn't it?

'I can help you with that.'

He closed his eyes, allowing the voice to seep into his brain.

'I'll bet you can,' He whispered back, just as huskily.

Soft, small hands engulfed him suddenly, running up and down his shaft before caressing the tip. One hand plunged down to this testicles, squeezing gently as the other hand tightly fisted him. Sheldon moaned, not caring how loud or desperate his voice sounded.

'Mmm…you like that, don't you? I always knew you would." Her deep voice whispered in his ear. Sheldon turned his face into the pillow.

'Oh…yes. Faster, Amy.' He groaned, thrilled at how real it seemed. Pumping himself harder, he was overwhelmed with the sensation. He wanted nothing more in that moment to have Amy there with him, touching him. Where this was coming from, he had no idea. Yet deep down, he must have known the truth. He loved her. He wanted her. And now that she was no longer his, or at least, for the time being…

He wanted her even more.

'I'm always hoping, Sheldon. Waiting for you. I need you." She whispered softly.

"I need you too," He whispered, the overwhelming sensations flooding his system too much to take. He pictured her face before him, smiling that beautiful smile he loved so much. The one reserved solely for him. The one he would put upon her face one day, after he'd made love to her so thoroughly that her toes curled.

Letting himself go, he surrendered to his desires. The sounds of his pleasure rang loudly in his ears, drowning out the previous silence.

Five minutes was all it took for Sheldon Cooper to surrender to his hindbrain. When it was over, he lay there panting – a sweaty, sticky mess. He should have been disgusted by what he did. He wasn't. He got up slowly, making his way to the bathroom and turning on the shower until it was a comfortable degree. He washed away all traces of his folly, his breathing returning to normal and his heartrate returning to a less dangerous pace.

Strangely enough, sleep found Sheldon very quickly after that.

He spent all morning the next day feeling a mixture of guilt and remorse over his actions in the middle of the night.

Why, he reasoned? He was within his rights to do…that. It was a healthy, normal function for healthy, normal human beings to engage in.

It wasn't so much the action that bothered him, but the fact he used Amy in his fantasy. If Amy only knew how many cold showers he had to take because of her, she would be shocked. Why couldn't he ever tell her of his longings and his fears? She would understand, he knew she would. All she wanted from him was honesty. Why did he keep pushing her away every time things between them intensified?

He knew why. He was afraid of her. Terrified, even. No one on Earth had the power to destroy Sheldon Cooper. Only her.

It was Saturday afternoon. He was alone in the apartment, Penny and Leonard having departed for Las Vegas the night before. They could be married by now, for all Sheldon knew. As much as he worried about his friends, he had more important things to worry about. Namely, not losing the woman he loved. His eyes drifted over to his desk drawer, where the ring he had bought for Amy lay hidden. A feeling of panic overwhelmed him suddenly. What if he never had the chance now to propose to her? What if he had missed his window of opportunity with Amy Farrah Fowler?

He had to do something to stop these feelings. Perhaps he should go take a walk in the park. Or maybe take a trip to the comic shop.

As quickly as that thought entered his mind, it swiftly left. It was his preoccupation with superheroes that got him into this mess. He went to the sink, angrily flicking on the tap to fill the tea kettle.

So he liked superheroes. He wasn't going to change. And damn her for making him feel bad about it!

He stubbornly slammed the lid of the kettle shut, while simultaneously yanking the spigot. Sheldon got no less than three feet away when he heard a creaking noise, and suddenly, water was spewing everywhere.

"Dear Lord!" He yelled, racing to the sink and trying desperately to stop the water from flowing. Had he broken the pipe when he yanked the spigot closed? He frantically went to the junk drawer besides the sink, searching fruitlessly for a wrench. No such luck for forthcoming, and he tried to calm down to find a solution.

Perhaps Penny would have one. She was the fix-it type, being raised in Nebraska. Grabbing her spare key out of the bowl, he flung open his door about to race the short distance to Penny's when something stopped him dead in his tracks.

Or rather, someone.

Amy.