A/N: Okay, so this isn't supposed to be very good. It's very Felicity-centric and Alternate Universe and I don't think I've dealt with the issues in this very well. But! I need to keep posting things and working on my writer's block because it's good for me even if I continuously second-guess my self about these things that I'm posting and I guess 4x06 inspired me somewhat. I tried to be sensitive about these topics but, I may have been as sensitive as a bull in a china shop.
I do hope you enjoy, this. I am working on other thing - including a story I started in July or something and I haven't finished it yet - this is also really long and I'm sorry about that. I just...I don't even know.
Title from Taylor Swifts Stay, Stay, Stay.
But, I do hope you enjoy this. It didn't go anywhere I was expecting it to go and I hope that it's okay.
So, enjoy!
You took the time to Memorize me (My fears, my Hopes and Dreams)
Felicity Smoak doesn't intend on falling in love with Oliver Queen.
Oh no, absolutely not. She'd known the second she'd met him in that god-awful bar in Cambridge, that falling in love with Oliver Queen was so far out of the question that it wasn't even a question.
Oliver was this serious looking billionaire with a past that pretty much made any guy aiming for the kind of careless, charming playboy lifestyle green with envy. He was also seriously beautiful, in a way Felicity had honestly never seen before in her life and he had been sitting at the bar, brooding over a tumbler of amber liquid Felicity had felt she would not like the taste of.
She'd been four wines deep and had switched to cocktails because that's what all her friends were drinking.
Felicity blames the cocktails for the courage she found to approach him.
She blames the wine for the verbal vomit that fell from her mouth when he'd turned his amazingly blue eyes on her.
His shoulders, though, were the reason she completely lost her head.
Felicity normally doesn't make it a habit to approach random, brooding strangers in horrible bars after too much alcohol. She honestly doesn't.
Oliver was an exception and, boy, was he an exception.
Most people who found themselves accosted by a filter-less five foot something blond with too much alcohol in her system, panda flats, a Gryffindor t-shirt and faintly blurred vision because her glasses weren't working quite the way they should usually don't start relationships with them.
Apparently, Oliver had found her adorable.
Felicity honestly can't think of that night without wincing.
From her opener – 'you know, you look like you have problems' – to the casual way she'd sort of sexually harassed him by feeling his shoulders while talking – 'seriously, your shoulders, do you just stand there and women fall over themselves because you could carry them anywhere? They look so strong and wide and firm and feel really good and hard' - to the disappointment of Hogwarts fictional state – 'I was so disappointed when I didn't get my letter. How cool would Hogwarts have been? I would have been in Ravenclaw. Because I'm smart' – that night was filled with some really bad lines Felicity would rather forget.
Oliver had thought she was the cutest thing he'd ever come across in Cambridge and it had been about then that Felicity had realized she absolutely could not fall in love with him.
He'd found her cute and adorable and her babble didn't dissuade him and it had been such a shock to wake up the next morning, hung-over with a billionaire's number in her phone and a text asking her to coffee that Felicity may have flung her phone across the room in absolute fright.
Her phone had survived.
Felicity had been pretty sure her dignity wouldn't.
Except, she'd looked at the sort of blurry photo of Oliver she'd taken the night before and had stupidly agreed to coffee.
At coffee, where Felicity was pretty sure would have him reconsider every thought he'd had about how adorable she was, she'd learned a few things.
Oliver was older than her, which wouldn't bother her except Felicity had never dated someone older than her and she was curious; he was in Cambridge to convince his sister, Thea, to come home after she'd had a fight with their mother and fled to the opposite side of the country to Starling City and he was a vice president at Queen's Consolidated.
He also still thought she was delightful.
How, Felicity will honestly never know.
She'd told him that she was on the verge of finishing her Masters in Cyber Security, that she normally didn't accost men in bars brooding over their sister and that Queen's Consolidated had offered her a job.
She also still thought his shoulder were seriously amazing.
Their coffee date had ended on a good note and, really, their relationship had taken off from there.
Then they'd gone form coffee to dinner and then they were having sleepovers while he tried to talk his sister into coming home, and having breakfast while she introduced him to her favorite television shows – he'd never seen Parks and Recreation, Felicity had told him that hurt her to her soul – and having these long, in-depth conversations about their life.
These long, in-depth life discussions happened on the phone, when he had to return to Starling without his sister and had insisted on calling her. Sometimes, their conversations would run through the night and Felicity could barely keep her eyes open in class the next morning.
But it was worth it.
Because Felicity learned he had a guilt complex, that the sudden death of his father and the baptism of fire that saw him having to keep his family and family company together had forced him to grow up and cope, that he'd been co-parenting his sister since his fathers death and his mother had retreated into herself and found it harder now that she was closing in on eighteen and had too much money and not enough sense.
He also had two best friends, although both he claimed as brothers, and that they couldn't be more different if they tried. One was his bodyguard, John Diggle, a no nonsense ex-soldier who thought he was an idiot half the time and was teaching him how to defend himself. The other Tommy Merlyn, another playboy billionaire Oliver had known since childhood and was settling down with Oliver ex-girlfriend, Laurel.
It had taken Felicity a moment to figure that one out but Oliver had simply told her, he was a jerk back when he was young and they were much more suited than he and Laurel had ever been.
In turn, Felicity tells him about her Dad leaving her, the difficult relationship sometimes has with a mother who doesn't understand her daughter at all but loves her all the same, the terrible relationship she had that nearly ended with her ex-boyfriend going to jail and that her quirks and babbling are actually a core part of her existence and not just brought on by alcohol.
He still thinks she's adorable after that particular conversation, so Felicity tries really hard to not get too excited about that. (She also thinks there might be something wrong with him because he is the first person that thinks her babbles are adorable.)
By the time Felicity finds herself moving to Starling City to start at Queen's Consolidated, she and Oliver are in a fully-fledged relationship and she still has no intention of falling in love with him.
Because that would be bad and she's sure that now that she's living closer to him, he'll stop thinking she's cute and adorable. Besides, they're working in the same building, even though they're not even in the same department – she's in IT and he's involved in the security sector – and Felicity's pretty sure he'll suddenly realize that he probably shouldn't date an employ.
Except, he doesn't.
Oliver still thinks she's adorable and instead of being frustrated her seems to delight in her very existence and Felicity finds that, okay, being able to see him every day and touch him and just be with him is amazing.
Because Oliver's wonderful.
He's so amazingly wonderful that Felicity can't even think about how wonderful he really is because if she thinks it, then she'll probably fall in love with him and that's not her intention.
Right up until the morning she wakes up, rolls over to find him peacefully asleep beside her, looking more handsome than anyone has the right to at seven in the morning and she realizes something.
Screw her intentions.
She's madly in love with Oliver Queen.
Damn it.
It's not that they've never discussed their feelings.
They have. On occasion. Like when she'd moved to Starling City, Oliver had made some sort of weird pronouncement about wanting her close to him because of feelings.
His feelings that she'd returned. Felicity's pretty clear on that point. She returns his feelings.
Okay?
Felicity had agreed with his feelings but was resistant to the idea of being too close to him because she was a strong, independent woman who hadn't moved to a different city because of a man.
She'd even found herself a cute little apartment when she'd moved to Starling and had loved it right up until she seen loft apartment Oliver shared with his sister and had promptly fallen in love with that apartment.
Needless to say, she spends a lot of nights at his apartment with him. Thea had taken to staying elsewhere most of the time now because, apparently, she didn't need to see 'the displays of affection that you guys share because, as cute as you are, it's also kind of nauseating living with it.'
So, yes, they'd discussed feelings.
Oliver even hints at how strong his feelings for her are sometimes when he looks at her when he thinks she isn't looking and Felicity goes a little weak because its like he's looking at his whole world.
But love?
Yeah, no, they haven't brought that up.
Either of them.
So, Felicity finds herself staring at him like she's seen a ghost as Oliver slowly wakes up and stretches.
Her eyes flick down because his body, okay? It's sculpted and muscly and Felicity really, really likes it. She only admires it for a second though because she has to go back to staring at him like he's a ghost.
Which he'll notice because how could he not? She's, like, four inches from his face when he turns onto his side and slings an arm over her waist, his morning smile fading as he sees the look on her face.
"Felicity? Are you okay?" He asks, his voice low and gravelly because he's just woken up and, normally, Felicity would jump him.
She loves his just-woken-up voice.
Except that thought just freaks her out even more because she loves it. Oliver's brow furrows when she doesn't reply and his hand draped over her back, suddenly spreads over his, in a comforting move Felicity would normally appreciate.
"Felicity?"
"Um. Yep! I'm dandy! I mean, I'm fine. Just, you know, thinking. About things and shouldn't you be going for your run, right about now?"
The furrows deepen even further at her slightly panicked response and Oliver opens his mouth to definitely ask if she's okay again and Felicity knows she's really not and she doesn't feel like explaining it to him, at all.
So she presses a kiss to his mouth to distract him and then burrows her face in his neck because cuddling him is the best distraction she could possibly go with right now.
She doesn't have the energy for anything else.
Oliver tends to be very thorough where she's concerned, she's found out, and Felicity loves that.
She squeezes her eyes shut as that word pops up again and decides she can pretend that she has no idea what it means, right about now.
Not with Oliver right in front of her.
She can freak out later.
She does freak out later.
Felicity finds herself sitting in a cute little café for lunch a couple of days later with Laurel Lance eyeing her cautiously as the waitress leaves with their order and Felicity drops her forehead to the table.
"Felicity? Are you okay?" Laurel asks cautiously, the brunette lawyer ignoring the buzzing of her phone to focus on her instead.
Felicity hasn't known Laurel that long. She honestly hasn't. They'd met when Oliver had introduced her and while initially, Felicity had been intimidated by the glamorous woman with perfectly glossy curls and a determination to right the wrongs using the law as her weapon, they'd struck up a friendship.
Whatever Oliver had done to Laurel when they were younger she had obviously chosen to forgive and Felicity found the woman could be as compassionate as she could be sharp.
So, Felicity has no compunction in groaning pathetically. "No. I'm in love with Oliver."
She raises her head as she says it and Laurel just blinks at her, like she's gone slightly insane and Laurel thinks that might be a bigger problem than the one at hand.
"Um. Okay? Why is that a problem? You guys have been together for what, nearly a year?"
Felicity grumbles. "It's a year in two weeks. A year since I decided to verbally attack him in a bar and he thought it was cute. Who thinks getting verbally assaulted by drunk blonds is cute?"
Laurel laughs, "Oliver, apparently. Why is it a problem that you love him?"
"Because I never meant to fall in love with him! I figured that, I don't know. How is it even possible that Oliver is with me? He's amazing and wonderful and he can cook and he has all these traits that I didn't even know a man could have and I'm in love with him." Felicity finds herself on a roll as she tries to explain to Laurel the problem and she's pretty sure that she's done a horrible job, to be honest.
Because now Laurel's looking really concerned about her mental state and Felicity just feels frustrated.
But Laurel doesn't comment on the fact that Felicity probable didn't make any sense whatsoever, instead she reaches across the table and lays her hand over Felicity's, giving it a squeeze as she gives her a sympathetic look.
"Felicity," she begins and Felicity eyes her because Laurel's tone is carefully sympathetic. "I don't think you're giving yourself or Oliver enough credit. So, you're in love with him? It doesn't have to change anything, it can only make it better."
Felicity is saved from replying to Laurel because the waitress returns with their drinks and Laurel lets go of her hand to smile in thanks.
Giving Felicity five seconds to take a deep breath and pretend she hasn't told Laurel about her freak out.
Not that it made much sense to her friend, but still.
It's better than telling Oliver.
Here's the thing, just because Felicity didn't intend on falling in love with Oliver doesn't mean that she didn't want to.
Which is just plain confusing.
Felicity curled up on her lounge in her own apartment, wearing one of Oliver's sweatshirts because she'd decided that they need some time apart. Not like, on a break or anything, she may be in love with him but she doesn't want to break up with him, they're still very much together they just need space.
So, he's at his loft and she's in her apartment and Felicity's pretty sure he's not pathetically sitting on his couch, wrapped in something that smells like her and brooding over his feelings.
Though he might be.
Oliver loves a good brood.
But, she doubts it.
But here she is, staring at her blank television because she doesn't know what to watch and wishing she had some way of explaining how emotionally constipated she's being.
Oh, Felicity isn't unaware of why she's acting the way she's acting. Her dad loved her and chose to leave, her first boyfriend in high school chose a cheerleader over her, her college boyfriend picked code and illegal activities and her mother. Oh dear god, her mother chose any man because she desperately wanted to be loved.
Felicity had always slightly judged her mother for that desperation for love, for throwing herself into it and losing herself in it only to be crushed when it was over and the man had decided to move on.
Subconsciously, Felicity's pretty sure she made the decision to never have that happen to her and combine that with the scars of abandonment?
It's not a great leap to draw the conclusion why Felicity hadn't intended to fall in love with Oliver because her experiences with the emotion and the relationships that sprung from it aren't totally A-grade.
They're not even really F-grade.
Felicity's self aware enough to know that she didn't intend to love Oliver because if she didn't love him, then she couldn't lose herself in him or be hurt when he left.
Plus, there are those creeping insecurities that Felicity's built in her head, ones that revolve around Oliver being so out of her league, he's in another stratosphere. So attractive he couldn't possibly want to be with her, so wonderful that surely she is a placeholder for someone else who can match Oliver's wonderfulness.
So, of course she was going to freak out over falling in love with Oliver.
Her relationship with Oliver was unintended, unexpected and once she was immersed in it, deeply uncontrollable.
It scares the living daylights out of Felicity.
Because, obviously, why wouldn't it?
Felicity hates her brain sometimes.
She really truly does.
Because Oliver's either cottoned on to the fact that something's bothering her or he just figured it out when she picked a fight with him over an omelet.
She can't even cook.
Seriously, he's standing in the kitchen, in all his shirtless glory, lovingly making her an omelet and he doesn't even do anything. He just smiles at her and nods at her coffee, waiting for her in the stupid Snoopy mug he picked up on a business trip because he saw it and thought of her, just like every other morning.
Except every morning before this one, Felicity hadn't realized she was in love with him.
Which is probably why her brain shuts down the second she sees it.
It just…stops working and goes blank and Felicity panics when it does.
So, she picks a fight.
Because that's the logical thing to do when you're in love with someone and panicking about it.
The fight doesn't even make sense. Felicity doesn't even know what she's saying, she's pretty sure they're arguing about which cheese he should have used and what does she know about cheese?
Like, she knows about Parmesan and cheddar and that's pretty much it and Oliver's some sort of amateur gourmet chef and she's arguing with him about food and Felicity knows this isn't making sense.
She know this because Oliver's looking at her like she's grown a second head and he should look stupid, with that look on his face and the spatula he'd been using dangling loosely from his hand but he doesn't and it's both irritating and one of the things that she loves about him.
Love, there it is, that word again.
It makes her growl in frustration.
Can't she just stop thinking about it now that she knows?
Before she can attack Oliver over his eggs or his spatula technique or whatever, he's raising his hands defensively and his face has gone carefully neutral.
Sort of.
Those beautiful eyes looks really confused.
"Okay, okay. You know what? I don't know what's going on with you, right now. You've been acting weird since last weekend and I really don't know why. So, I'm going to leave the omelet and go to work, okay? Give you some space."
It's a blow Felicity hadn't seen coming.
Sure, she imposed space on them the other night but she didn't tell him that she needed space. She just said she wanted to spend a night in her apartment considering she still pays rent and it's probably a good idea for her to spend at least one night a week there.
Oliver hadn't even argued. He'd just kissed her forehead – one of those ones that make her lean into him because it always, always makes her feel special – and told her he'd call her when he got home.
That had been different from right now, when Oliver's actually voicing the space thing.
Felicity doesn't like the idea of space. Not when it's said aloud and there are implications in it that suggest she needs to get her head sorted.
Like she doesn't already know that.
So, she just stands in the kitchen of the loft and watches Oliver skirt around her, as if he's waiting for her to blow up about omelets again and when he's out of the kitchen, Felicity blows out a breath.
What does she do now?
"You're a lunatic."
Felicity gasps in outrage at Iris' blunt statement. "I am not!"
Iris hums in disagreement and Felicity tugs on the sleeve of Oliver's shirt that she'd put on after she'd called into work sick.
"Felicity, you attacked the guy in a bar and he thought it was cute. He then spent a considerable amount of time and money making sure he could see you while you finished your masters." Iris informs her, like Felicity is unaware of the beginnings of her relationship with Oliver. "He's mad about you. Crazy. Uses adjectives like adorable and grins like an idiot every time he talks about you. Listens to your techno babble even though he doesn't understand it and encourages it. He looks at you like the whole world could collapse and he wouldn't notice as long as you were there. You're a lunatic."
Felicity knows Iris is just trying to be a good friend and being a journalist has meant that her friend has only grown more blunt since she first met her in that first semester at MIT but still.
"Ouch, Iris. Say what you really think." Felicity mutters petulantly into her phone, knowing that Iris will take it the offer at face value.
"Okay," Iris agrees reasonably. "I think you're panicking because you're sure if you tell him, he might leave. That you'll become one of those girls who's whole world is the guy that they love and have nothing left to show for it. How am I doing?"
Right now, Felicity's not a great fan of Iris and how well she knows her. Not a great fan at all.
She's also regretting airing out some of these thoughts to Iris back in the day when Felicity thought copious amounts of alcohol was a good way of handling her mother's new boyfriend every time she went home.
"Pretty good."
Iris sighs. "You're not your mother and Oliver's not your dad, Felicity. You can love Oliver and still be a separate being from him with separate goals and achievements and he can do the same. The only thing you have to do is love and support him and accept those decisions."
Felicity wrinkles her nose at the empty plate that had once been garnished by her omelet and sighs.
"I know that, Iris. I think I do, anyway."
"If you didn't before, you do now. Because I'm telling you that you are not you're mother and Oliver's not you're father. You could put that man on a deserted island, with no communication or way to get home and he would find his way back to you, okay? That man is not going to leave you."
Felicity wonders, as Iris falls silent, why it's so much easier to believe something when someone else tells you instead of simply believing it yourself.
It sounds believable coming from Iris. Something Felicity can hold onto and believe rather than simply know intellectually.
"I know."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
It might take some time and Felicity thinks she'll have to really work to fully believe it but hearing Iris say it, hearing the conviction her friend has when she says it makes Felicity realize that she's not her mother.
She's been with Oliver for nearly a year and not once has she felt like she'd lost herself totally in him because he'd never asked her to give up anything he knew was important to her.
Not even when he was making noises about her living with him and she'd shot that idea down pretty quickly.
Felicity honestly doesn't think she gave up anything except her single status since the night she accosted him in a bar and, honestly, Felicity's okay with that.
She might find herself learning to be okay about this love thing, too.
Iris falls silent and then she sighs again. "Good. Because I hate to tell you this, but Felicity? You've been in love with Oliver Queen for ages and you really should tell the poor guy."
Well, if that doesn't make Felicity sit bolt right up, she's not sure what will.
Because that can't be true.
Felicity wants to believe that she's done panicking.
Sort of.
But she's pretty sure she's just moved on to panicking about a different thing. Like the fact that Iris was pretty sure she's been in love with Oliver Queen for ages and Felicity just hadn't been aware of it.
And Felicity's not stupid.
She's pretty sure that's a major possibility.
Because of course she would fall in love with him and not realize it. Of course that's something she would do and not recognize because she'd been so intent on intending to not fall in love with that she didn't realize she already had.
Iris claims that she was pretty sure Felicity fell around the third time Oliver came to visit her and he'd brought her this cute little panda hat that Felicity likes to wear whenever she gets the chance.
Felicity sort of sure that she fell the first time he laughed at Nick Offerman in Parks and Rec.
But who knows?
She's loved him for so long, she didn't even realize she loved him.
So…that's something new to think about.
It also sort of puts a little bit of perspective on her freak out. Felicity has obviously known, on some basic level, the way she feels about Oliver, it just wasn't a conscious knowing which was probably a good thing. Felicity's sure that if she had realized earlier how much she loved Oliver, she probably wouldn't have made it to Starling City with their relationship in tact.
She was so busy trying to keep to her intention that she never quite realized what was happening.
Which means she's actually probably more okay with the way she was feeling when her brain and fears were too occupied with worrying about something else to offer up the panic that she's been in since she became conscious on all levels of the way she feels.
So, maybe, she can work on being okay about with it now that she really knows how she feels.
Felicity feels like she wouldn't actually recommend this as a way of realizing feelings or falling in love, but hey? At least she's figured it out.
She should get points for that.
Just like Oliver's earned over a million brownie points because he's been, well, he's been Oliver and amazing and Felicity sort of wonders if she could ever make it up to him.
They've moved at snails pace, emotionally. According to Iris, anyway. But Felicity's pretty sure it seems like snails pace because Iris has been in love with her boyfriend since, like, eleventh grade and Barry had gotten the nerve up to tell her a year later.
So, yeah, to Iris they may be moving at snails pace but Felicity feels like she's moving pretty quickly considering she never intended for this to happen.
Iris also thinks that Oliver would have told her that he loved her six months ago but he's aware enough to have decided against the idea.
Given that Felicity might have panicked and all that.
Felicity's not overly comfortable with how much thought Iris has put into her relationship, to be honest.
She's not even overly comfortable with how much thought she's putting into this relationship given that it's worked really well for nearly a year.
Well, a year in a week.
Then again, what's she supposed to do?
She has all this space.
Oliver's a big man and his presence certainly can fill a room and Felicity's sort of missing that presence, right about now.
Right up until he walks through the door, rumpled from a long day at the office and carrying a takeout bag that smells heavenly.
Reminding Felicity that she hasn't actually eaten since that omelet they argued over that morning.
But she doesn't move because she's not entirely sure what she'll say to him if she goes over there first.
Felicity isn't even sure what she'll say to him if he comes to talk to her, over on the lounge either.
It doesn't take her long to find out, though.
"Hi." He says cautiously and Felicity offers a weak smile in return. "How are you? Are you okay? Hungry?"
Felicity wants to reply to his questions in a logical, thoughtful manner. In fact, she'd really like to stand up and hug Oliver and feel his solidness. She'd like to feel him and know that she's not her mother and he's not her father and that's good.
Except that's not what comes out of her mouth.
"How long have you known I'm in love with you?"
It sounds like an accusation and the moment it leaves her mouth, Felicity groans and drops her head in her hands but not before she misses Oliver's startled look.
Trust her.
Seriously.
Felicity can't actually look at Oliver.
Not even when she hears him huff out a breath and step toward where she's sitting on the couch, her head still in her hands.
"Felicity."
"Nope. Uh-uh. No, I'm so sorry I said that and I can't look at you because of how I just said that. So I'm not going to look at you for a while? Okay? Okay."
Felicity feels Oliver pause and then he sighs and suddenly she feels his warm hands sliding over her thighs, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the skin left bare by her shorts.
Felicity pretty sure he's going to answer her accusation, which would be nice except for the fact that she accused him of knowing about her feelings.
What a great girlfriend she is.
"You came to meet me at the airport." Oliver says it quietly, as if he doesn't have to really think about the answer at all. "It was around seven a.m., it was cold and you were standing there in jeans and that panda hat and I figured that you either loved me or the crazy you keep telling me you have was showing. I know you're not crazy and I also know how seven a.m. is the second greatest nemesis you face, so…" Oliver trails off and lets quiet settle.
Felicity concentrates on the circles he's tracing before she finds herself brave enough to lower her hands and stare at his hands.
He has really nice hands.
"You knew I loved you at the airport? That's when you figured it out?" She asks and she feels more than sees Oliver shrug.
Felicity doesn't actually remember meeting him at the airport when it was cold at seven a.m., which is surprising given that Oliver's not wrong about mornings being her second greatest nemesis.
Her first being, obviously, people who didn't treat their technology with the love and care it deserved.
"You were studying for finals. You had your last one and I'd told you not to come and meet me because I knew you were worried about it and there you were. Looking dead on your feet, wearing that hat and I knew." Oliver tells her, his voice filled with the type of warmth that makes Felicity realize how much that meant to him.
Which means she doubly sucks because she honestly can't remember that.
"I don't remember doing that." Felicity says quietly and Oliver chuckles.
"I know. You were running on about two hours of sleep, panicking about your final and you basically hugged me, took off for the library and the next time I saw you, you were passed out on the couch and you slept until the next morning."
"Oh."
Felicity finally lowers her hands to look at Oliver and he smiles at her gently when she does. He looks sort of relieved too, like he's figured something out and it's okay now that he knows.
Felicity actually quite likes this about her boyfriend, the fact that he seems to figure things out about her and take them in his stride. It's…a nice quality for him to have when she's being particularly crazy.
"I've been in love with you since we took a walk in the park a month after we first met. You got excited about the color of the leaves changing and you started telling me about the science behind why they changed and I couldn't stop staring at you."
Felicity blushes because that she remembers.
She had been on a roll that day, to the point where she'd stopped and had been gesturing wildly at the leaves and convincing herself to shut up hadn't been working because she loves autumn.
It's so pretty.
Except Felicity hadn't needed to shut herself up because Oliver had stepped forward and her mouth had stopped working because he'd stroked a stray hair behind her ear before kissing her.
"That was the first time you kissed me."
"Mmm-hmm. First time I knew I loved you, too. It was a good day of firsts." Oliver says with a smile and then his face grows serious. "I never brought it up because I knew how you would react. I figured that you'd run faster than you did that time you wanted pizza so you sprinted from the cinema. Besides, I always knew that you were the one who had to bring it up."
Felicity squeezes her eyes shut and leans forward to drop her forehead on Oliver's soldier.
He's so wonderful.
So, so wonderful because he loves her and he knows her and Felicity doesn't know how she got this lucky because she doesn't know many men who would have been this patient with her.
"I'm scared, Oliver. That's why I've been weird."
Felicity feels him press a kiss to the side of her head, lingering there because he knows it comforts her and Felicity feels this little spark of happiness bloom when he does.
It's a nice change from the constant edge of panic she's felt since she realized just what she felt for Oliver.
"I know. But it doesn't have to change anything, Felicity. It's just…gives us one more thing to build on." Oliver says quietly and Felicity squeezes her eyes shut as he continues. "I love you, Felicity and I'm not going to leave you and never come back. You got stuck with me the second you told me I looked like I had problems. That's not going to change."
It's one thing, Felicity realizes, to hear Oliver's not going to leave from Iris and quite another to hear it from Oliver.
Because Oliver has this conviction about him, this intent and Felicity knows, deep down, that he's not lying. Felicity knows that, really, that the only way she'll shake Oliver is if she leaves him and she has no intention of ever doing that.
Felicity believes him.
Besides, she's pretty sure if she left Oliver, he'd do everything in his power to convince her to come back.
"Okay."
"You're your own person, too. I know that. Just because I love you and you love me doesn't mean that I want you to change who you are or lose yourself." Oliver says and Felicity can hear the smile in his voice. "I love who you are on your own. I think you're amazing."
Felicity hears what he's saying, she does, and she believes it and he's echoing Iris in every way possible and Felicity turns her head slightly, so she can look at his jaw and ask, "Iris called you, didn't she?"
Oliver chuckles. "Only to give me a heads up that you were freaking out and why. The rest, I managed to put together on my own."
Felicity breathes out at his reply and she closes her eyes again for a second, taking stock of everything that he's said.
Oliver's not going to leave. He knows who she is and doesn't want her to change. He knows why she's scared and he loves her.
And Felicity believes him. Absolutely.
Because, how can she not?
Still, "It might take me a little while to adjust. I believe you, Oliver. I do. But I might need some time." She warns him because, she will.
It'll take her a little time to fully accept all of this and Oliver sighs before she feels him take her shoulders and lean her backwards and off his shoulder. He stands and Felicity opens her eyes to watch as he takes off his blazer and throws it onto the arm of the couch before lowering himself down next to her.
Oliver wraps an arm around her shoulders and tugs her close, giving Felicity no choice but to snuggle into his side, burying her face in the crook of his neck and inhaling the faded scent of cologne and something that is just, purely, Oliver.
For the first time she woke up and panicked about loving him, Felicity feels calm and she feels even calmer when he kisses her forehead again.
"I know. That's okay. I love you. We'll take it one day at a time." Oliver says, his voice quiet and sure.
Felicity sighs and slings her arm over his middle, grasping on to him and she sighs.
One day at a time sounds good.
Especially now that Oliver knows what's going on and he's okay with it. He's okay with it and Felicity knows that means, at some point, she'll find herself okay with it as well.
They sit quietly for a moment and Felicity feels immeasurably calmer as his hand rubs up and down her side, almost absently, like he's thinking about something else.
So, she takes a deep breath and presses a kiss to his neck and she finally says the words that terrify her.
"I love you, Oliver."
She doesn't look at him, so she can't see his reaction when she says it but she does know he smiles. Her curiosity gets the best of her a moment later and she pulls away to tilt her head up to look at him.
The second she does, Oliver leans down and presses a kiss to her mouth and Felicity sighs right before she kisses him back.
When Oliver pulls away, he's wearing this smile that small and happy and Felicity can't help but smile back at him because, okay, this is going to work.
She's got a new intention now, Felicity realizes suddenly. Felicity absolutely intends to make this work between her and Oliver.
No matter who freaks out next.
Oliver kisses her again and then huffs in amusement, "I'm guessing now's not the time to talk about us moving into together, right?"
Felicity stares at him.
Because, really?
Trust Oliver.