Hello my lovely readers. I did not edit this or even reread over this so if this sucks I'm terribly sorry. I really didn't create this to be a good story. I just needed to put it on paper. I have had this on my mind for a few days and I really just needed to get it out. I wrote this more for myself than anything else. I just needed to vent a little and thought Quinn and Rachel might be a good medium to get it out. I hope this helps someone else out as much as it helped me. As always enjoy :)
Warning: If you are triggered by domestic violence, rape, or any other forms of domestic abuse please do not read this story.
It had been two years since Rachel had seen Quinn.
It had been two years of agony, two years of healing, two years of silence.
The two girls have history. Not that Quinn would ever admit it. Rachel isn't sure what hurts more, Quinn's actions or lack thereof.
It doesn't matter. It's been two years and after all this time, after skillfully avoiding the girl Rachel is going to have to face the blonde.
Rachel had never been good with exes. Finn was a disaster, Jessie even worse, and Puck...that was the only one that had actually ended well. But Quinn. She was her weakness. A human form of kryptonite.
The girls had dated in secret for a year. The summer before college the girls had gotten very close. They had formed a friendship which had eventually blossomed into a romance. Rachel had never fallen so hard in her life. Quinn topped Finn and every other boy she had ever thought she loved.
Quinn brought hope and joy and love and so many other amazing things. But there were a few problems. Quinn Fabray was still-well Quinn Fabray. The girl still had the HBIC charm that Rachel had always found so sexy. But instead of just bullying the brunette the blonde would manipulate and abuse Rachel's unwavering desire to please.
There were many fights, some physical, some not. There are so many arguments and eventually there was a horrible break up. Of course the girls being caught up in their passion would hook up a few times here and there. But eventually Quinn had enough and stopped answering. She blocked Rachel in every form of communication she could. And Rachel just had to deal with it.
All in one Rachel had lost her best friend, her lover, and her rock.
The diva knew that she should not be so dependent on a person who treated her so poorly but she just couldn't help it. She loved Quinn and she always would no matter what had happened between the two of them.
The blonde would always have a special place in Rachel's heart, even if she didn't deserve it.
There hasn't been a day that Rachel hasn't thought about Quinn. Most of the memories are of fights and arguments that just went too far. But every so often Quinn's smile, or the way she smelled fill's Rachel's mind and the brunette can't help but bask in the warmth the memory brings. She can't help the smile that spreads across her face when she remembers the way Quinn would say her name. Or the way the blonde would always reach out to hold her after sex.
Rachel can't help but feel that things were her fault. She can't shake the feeling that Quinn would have been better to her if she hadn't been so crazy, so needy, so desperate for love.
Rachel knows that Quinn was an abuser, that her actions were wrong. But a part of the brunette wants to believe that the blonde really did love her.
But every time she tries to forgive the girl the same images assault her. Quinn pulling her closer as she tries to get away. Quinn grabbing her hands, making the brunette touch porcelain skin in places small hands desperately wanted to run away from. A small smirk. A playful voice repeating the same phrase over and over. "You know you want it. Come on."
But the diva still remembers her outstretched arms and her pleas for her to stop. She still remembers saying no.
But Rachel will never forget the devastated look on Quinn's face when she finally gave up with a quiet, "We don't have to if you really don't want to."
It was there. Some form of compassion, of love, of anything that told the brunette that Quinn really did care. That she loved her. And Rachel slept with her anyway. Even after Quinn went too far. Even after she had said no. She let Quinn touch her, and she touched Quinn back.
When it was all over Rachel stared at the ceiling, her naked form protected by the thin sheet on Quinn's bed.
The brunette didn't register the warm summer breeze on her skin, or Quinn's arms protectively around her waist, all she felt was filth, guilt, disgust.
She let Quinn think it was okay to touch her without her permission by giving in. She let her hurt her.
It was a metaphor for everything that they were. Rachel gave Quinn power by letting the blonde control her.
She never told anyone. No one would believe Rachel anyway. No one knew the pair had dated and Quinn would claim that it was a lie for attention.
So Rachel held it all deep down. She held the names, and the hits, everything else Quinn had thrown at her. She held it so deep that sometimes she forgot it had happened. She forgot that she was damaged goods. That she was dirty, and filthy, and disgusting.
After two years and a little therapy Rachel was finally okay with what had happened. She could see pictures of Quinn without having a panic attack. She could talk about Quinn without bursting into tears. But she couldn't see her in person. She didn't dare.
But today, she couldn't avoid it. Quinn was coming. All of the glee kids were coming back to see Mckinley's last glee club perform. And maybe even save the program. Kurt had asked them all to come back without Rachel's knowledge. Even though she loved the gesture had hoped that Quinn wouldn't be on that list. But of course she was.
Rachel hoped it wouldn't be as bad as she had pictured things in her head. Quinn lashing out, yelling, reminding her of everything the diva knew she was.
But she needed to do this. Rachel had never gotten closure with Quinn and this was her final chance to get it.
…
By four pm most of the glee kids had arrived. Rachel had said greeted everyone with open arms. They shared stories of college and what success they might have had, or not had.
By five pm Rachel was convinced that Quinn wasn't coming. She wished, deep down, that Quinn would not show. And she hoped it was because of her.
But at five thirty Quinn walked into the auditorium with a bright smile. She greeted the group with open arms.
All Rachel could do was stare in awe. Quinn looked happier than ever. Her platinum bob that made her hazel eyes pop. Her white dress that hugged her form in all the right ways. Quinn looked amazing and here was Rachel, down on her luck. She had lost everything while Quinn was probably climbing her way to the top of whatever career she had chosen.
Quinn finally made her way to Rachel and the brunette gulped, panic setting in. She wanted to run and hide. To get as far away from Quinn as possible, but that wasn't an option. No one could know.
The blonde's smile faltered slightly but she still hugged Rachel and politely asked how she had been. Rachel smiled tightly and said fine before excusing herself.
…
Rachel didn't even make it an hour in the same room with Quinn. She excused herself to the restroom and splashed cold water on her face. It was too much. She had made a mistake.
Rachel had thought she could handle this but she couldn't.
She couldn't handle people not knowing what Quinn had done to her. She couldn't handle her friends, her little family, supporting and loving Quinn the same way they supported and loved her. The blonde didn't deserve it. She deserved to be seen as the monster she was. As the- "Rachel?"
The brunette's blood ran cold as she heard Quinn's voice fill the room. She didn't dare answer for the fear that her voice might waver. She didn't want to show Quinn just how weak she had become.
"Are you alright?" Quinn's heels clicked across the tiled floor but Rachel still didn't turn to see the blonde.
"Rachel?" Quinn placed a hand on the brunette's shoulder and the girl pulled away as if she had been burned.
"Please don't touch me." Rachel wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to place a barrier between them. But she still felt small and she still felt helpless as Quinn looked down at her with pity in her eyes.
"I was just checking to see if you were okay. You've been gone for a while." Quinn explained.
"Why do you even care? You never cared enough to check up on me before now." Rachel spat.
The blonde pursed her lips and looked away before answering with a shrug. "It's complicated, Rachel."
"How? Because you used me for whatever game you wanted to play and then when you were done you just cut me out of your life? Seems pretty simple to me." Rachel didn't know where this was coming from. Her words were harsh, she had never meant to bring this up but it was already out. There was no way to take it back.
"It was a mistake. Okay? I made a mistake." Quinn offered, "I know I did some things I shouldn't have but-"
"Some things you shouldn't have? Quinn you basically raped me. After you hit me a few times and called me an attention seeking whore. You told me that you were the best I would ever do in life. You called me a bottom feeder. You let me go to bed upset almost every night. You call that some things you shouldn't have done?" Rachel could feel the anger boiling inside of her. Quinn never should have followed her here.
"I said I made some mistakes, Rachel. I was never good for you. I told you that too." Quinn tried to defend herself.
"That's not enough, Quinn. You have hurt me in ways I never even imagined you could. I mean I knew you were a bitch but I didn't think you were that cold." Rachel took a step closer to Quinn and placed her hands on her hips, "Why did you really follow me in here?"
"I just wanted to talk, I guess. It's been a long time." Quinn admitted, "But now I see that may have been a mistake."
"What did you think I would just fall back into your arms. That I would just love you with the same naievity that I did before?" Rachel folded her arms over her chest.
"No, I didn't think that. But I didn't think you would be this angry with me either. I didn't know it was such a big deal to you, Rachel." Quinn's tone was irritated and that only pushed Rachel further over the edge.
"A big deal? You clearly don't understand what you did. I couldn't even look at a picture of you without hyperventilating. I still have nightmares about you forcing yourself on me. And I still hate myself everyday because I still love you! Even through every shitty thing you did. I still love you." Rachel was not yelling at the blonde. She didn't care who heard. She needed to get this out.
"I still love you too." Quinn leaned against her hip across the sink, one hand folded across her chest, the other cupping her jaw. "I will always love you."
"Then why did you hurt me?" Rachel asked, her voice small and broken.
"Because I knew that you would always forgive me." Quinn answered.
Rachel was speechless. Hearing the answer almost hurt more than not knowing at all. "Well I'm glad to have been of service to you, Quinn."
"Rachel it wasn't like that." The blonde took a step forward but Rachel took a step back.
"No, don't. Don't come any closer to me. I have spent two years trying to forgive you. I really thought there was more to you than this. I thought you actually had compassion. But I was wrong. I will never forgive you for what you have done. I don't care what you were hoping to get out of this. I woke up today dreading this moment. I have feared you for so long, Quinn. But I finally understand what you are. You're a coward. You are so scared of actually loving someone. Of actually feeling a genuine emotion that you use and abuse people until they are too broke to even comprehend what real love is. But I'm done being your victim, and I'm done playing your game. Don't follow me." Rachel walked out of the bathroom not even bothering to check if Quinn had followed her.
She held her head high as she walked back to the auditorium.
Whatever spell Quinn had over Rachel was finally broken. Seeing Quinn again hadn't been the nightmare Rachel feared, it had been the push Rachel needed to finally end a chapter in her life.
And now as she smiled and laughed with her fellow glee kids, she finally believed a new chapter would begin.