UM JAMMER ALPHYS: CHAPTER 1
One day in the fantastically massive man-made urban metropolis of New York City, just a few brief months after the events depicted in Chara's #1 New York Times best-seller novel Undertale, at the point when humans and monsters had finally officially decided to make a truce with each other and coexist together in perfect harmony, Alphys and Undyne (and Undyne's fez-wearing pet Temmie that she had personally named Temgnastic with a silent G, of course, because why not?) were all lovingly huddled together right next to each other in the very frontmost seats of the local Brooklyn movie theater and wearing dorky 3D glasses.
Surely enough, they were watching Mettaton's latest already-completely-sold-out (both in theaters and in local stores) and thankfully horribly-reviewed mass-produced joke of a theatrical superhero movie production, titled none other than Super Mettaton IV: The Quest For Panache, in which the current scene had Alphys trapped in the head of the Statue Of Liberty, about to be eaten alive by her own infamous Amalgamates that she had foolishly decided to bring with her as a way of keeping them safe while the entire city of New York was busy having very recently been completely burned to the ground by space aliens outside.
Meanwhile, Mettaton (in his new and improved NEO 2.0 form, rocket-propelled mechanical bat wings and all, no less) had been mostly busy flying around aimlessly like an idiot and showing off his drop-dead sexy mechanical David Bowie replica of a body to everyone through nothing short of all manner of utterly ludicrously flamboyant poses, only occasionally taking a brief (partial) pause here and there to mercilessly gun down and utterly decimate some UFOs and giant alien tentacle monsters with the convertible (not to mention downright retardedly overpowered) hand cannon on his right arm while everyone stupid and/or unlucky enough to not have already evacuated the general area yet simply gawked in amazement at the mere imaginary thought of it.
"Oh dear god, I'm literally right about to freaking DIE here, for Christ's sake! Would somebody PLEASE help me, PLEASE?! Like, preferably before I get eaten alive by my own Chernobyl-abomination PETS, might I add?!" Alphys (in the movie) screamed and cried in a fit of woeful desperation, backing up on her chubby little rear end and meekly, helplessly cowering against the very frontmost-center city-view window of the Statue Of Liberty's massive crown as she wildly fumbled about in the pockets of her lab coat (which she no longer even unironically wore in real life after what had happened to her former science career due to everyone finding out about her rather morally questionable and mentally deranged biological enhancement experiments that had tragically created these horrific eldritch beasts all of those long sad months ago, ironically enough), pulled out her cell phone and frantically dialed Mettaton's number.
All the while, the Amalgamates slithered and slank ever closer to her like half-melted spiders with disgustingly malformed snakes for legs, the disgusting half-melted endogenous fluid that now made up their rather ominously shadow-casting bodies dripping all over the immaculately swept and mopped floor while Mettaton (her handsome robotic celebrity knight in shining armor that she had personally built herself so that he could serve as her homeland's leading entertainer) immediately swooped in (with his rocket boots turned up to maximum power, his NEO jetpack wings propelling him through the air with the combined force of at least several NASA rockets, and his arms outstretched in front of him like Superman, of course) to save the day.
Right when Alphys was JUST about to finally be eaten alive once and for all (and also right when she thought that Mettaton was JUST about to finally answer her at-least-fifth incredibly urgent and important attempt at a phone call within the past five minutes), Mettaton suddenly busted himself right in through the window right next to Alphys, made a dashingly sharp U-turn with an additional cloyingly generous and stereotypical dash of "I'LL SAVE YOU, MADAME", grabbed the poor girl by her big, long and thick lizard tail and swung her disproportionately bloated, weirdly attractive and surprisingly not neckbearded lizard body right through the frontmost window like a sledgehammer, causing her to yelp in pain as little pieces, bits and shards of what was once said window flew all over the place...and also causing her to accidentally drop her precious little (thankfully indestructible) phone right out of said window, sending it plummeting at several hundred feet straight down to the mostly-concrete ground.
"Man, aren't I just the greatest superhero EVER?" Mettaton laughed uproariously (and somewhat maniacally, need I mention) as he lovingly cuddled Alphys in his arms and flew her straight up onto the very tip-top of the Statue Of Liberty's pretty big head, where they both just sat boredly together and watched as the entire city of New York crumbled into jagged, burning pieces right before their very formerly disbelieving and utterly bewildered eyes, which, ironically enough, was pretty much exactly what the real-life Alphys and her beloved fishy butch-lesbian girlfriend Undyne were also doing in their seats in real life...needless to say, the rest of the audience could definitely relate, and their overall reaction to the film as they watched the credits abruptly roll out of seemingly just about nowhere (with literally every single person in them being labeled as Mettaton just to add yet more additional insult to the already nasty injury that the film itself had more-than-a-little-predictably been to the movie industry) was just plain old meh...nothing more, nothing less, and most importantly, nothing in between...
Well, except for poor little red-haired, Uma-Thurman-wigged, red-shirt-with-little-white-Bikini-Bottom-flower-adorning-its-bosom-wearing, skinny-blue-jeaned, Akira-Toriyama-autographed-light-blue-Sonic-sneakers-wearing, unfittingly-guitar-shredding Tumblrina weeaboo hipster pile of pure concentrated anime trash known as Alphys, that is; surely enough, she was busy covering her eyes with her hands and trembling pathetically in her seat out of deeply mentally rooted internal fear of what this series of movies would eventually do to her reputation...and HOO boy, if you've ever played the game that this story is REALLY based off of before, then I probably shouldn't have to tell you all of the reasons why such a quite frankly petty and ultimately meaningless little thing like THAT was soon destined to become easily among the absolute LEAST of her public reputation's worries. Oh, how utterly clueless, ridiculously scatterbrained and horribly naive she truly was, is and most likely always will be...
"MAN, that was so much fun! Am I right or am I right, buddies?" Undyne chuckled merrily,
patting Alphys lovingly on the back as the two of them (and Temgnastic, of course) followed the ridiculously gigantic crowd of otherwise remarkably disappointed former audience members out of the auditorium through the left exit (well, actually the right one from their point of view), throwing their 3D glasses into the complimentary auditorium exit trash can like the worthless pieces of silly, gimmicky, hopefully soon-to-be-outdated junk that they were.
"Tem agree! Part one was good too, but this one have WAY more cool leg!" Temgnastic chuckled, flexing her arm muscles handsomely as the three of them walked out the front entrance of the movie theater together, with Undyne reluctantly dragging Temgnastic along behind her by (one of) the big floppy fist-ears while poor little Alphys shivered and moaned in hopeless fear and shame.
"Aww, what's wrong, Alphie? You look so scared and depressed...you're not thinking about the True Lab incident again, are you?" Undyne asked Alphys concernedly, patting her on the head like a sweet little fatass weeaboo kitten while the poor thing twiddled her fingers and fidgeted about, already beginning to develop severe stage fright for her next guitar concert despite being almost a mile away from the building where it was scheduled to be held about a half-hour later in the afternoon as the three of them walked over to the nearest burger restaurant (known as Burger World, in fact, just like in Beavis & Butthead) and took a window seat as always.
"Oh, I just wish I was strong and sexy like you, Undyne!" Alphys cried and sobbed and whimpered dejectedly, burying her face in the table and folding her arms together atop the table while Temgnastic and Undyne just rolled their eyes and shrugged their shoulders at each other in response.
"Alphys, for CRYING out loud, you're already strong and sexy as IS! Honestly, you're a freaking DINOSAUR; take ADVANTAGE of it for once, would you PLEASE?!" Undyne forehead-palmed herself and frustratedly ranted at Alphys, grabbing her by the hand and dragging her back down onto the floor of the restaurant as the two of them went over to the cash register and made their orders.
"Hello, good sir!" Undyne happily greeted Burgerpants (who was ironically the new cashier of the restaurant) with a powerful and dignified American salute. "We would like to order some yummy, juicy BURGERS, please!"
"Right, and I suppose WATER is freaking WET..." Burgerpants muttered spitefully under his breath. "Um, anyway, could you please be at least a LITTLE bit more specific with your order?"
"Well, personally, I would like a big medium-rare Angus steak burger with A1 sauce, mayonnaise and ketchup! Same for my little Temmie pal over there as well!" Undyne announced valiantly, pointing over at the merrily bouncing Temgnastic and flashing her razor-sharp great white shark teeth every bit as menacingly as could be at the now nervously-sweating-and-jazz-hands-deploying Burgerpants as he adorably fidgeted about and twiddled his fingers just like how Alphys always did.
"For here or to go?" Burgerpants asked Undyne smugly, pulling up his shirt and winking at her.
A FEW SECONDS LATER...
"OW, what was THAT for?!" Burgerpants groaned in pain, resting his hand on his now-heavily-bruised cheek and nursing his recently-twisted nipples while Alphys shyly, reluctantly and adorably anxiously tiptoed her way forward to the cash register, wobbling back and forth nervously as she did so. (Luckily, she had just recently gotten sick of being constantly hunchbacked all the time and started practicing good posture for whatever reason, so she was now tall enough to actually meet Burgerpants eye-to-eye at the cash register, making the way that she was currently acting in public look even more cripplingly awkward and embarrassing.)
"Um...h-h-hi!" Alphys giggled, snorted, stammered and blushed, gripping the front corner of the cash-register countertop with her hands and glancing back and forth frantically like the paranoid nervous wreck that she always had been (even well BEFORE the True Lab incident, might I add) as her tail wagged back and forth wildly, her face glowing hot-pink and sweating with anticipation...and by anticipation, I mean painfully obvious romantic obsession with the cashier.
"Um...why are you staring at me like that, cutie-pie?" Burgerpants asked Alphys nervously, twitching his eyelids awkwardly while Alphys rested her left cheek on the corresponding elbow-propped hand and glared seductively and dreamily at him, with a glimmering anime sparkle effect in her eyes and an adorkably chubby-cheeked, freckly, bespectacled, blushing and buck-toothed smile covering the rest of her cushiony little lizard-waifu face.
"Um...n-never mind that, okay?!" Alphys stammered embarrassedly, blushing bright-red, biting her lip and drooping her Sonic quills downward with shameful embarrassment, with Burgerpants somewhat irritatedly tapping his foot on the ground as he waited patiently for Alphys to finally just make her stupid order and get on with her sad and miserable joke of a life already.
"Um...c-can I have a b-burger with the p-patties carved into the sh-shape of Mettaton's f-face, please? And with all of the, um, fixings or w-whatever you call them...oh, and uhh...m-most importantly, with umm...the ketchup and m-mustard, like, magically arranged into the sh-shape of Mew Mew K-Kissy Cutie's face and stuff?" Alphys asked Burgerpants, covering half of the entire countertop with her disgusting weeaboo sweat while Burgerpants angrily wiped it off with a wet dish towel.
"That'll be eight dollars and one foot massage for me, of course!" Burgerpants laughed snidely as he got out a stool from the nearby supply closet in the kitchen, sat atop it and crossed his legs width-wise across the countertop, wiggling his sneakers teasingly as he magically pulled out the latest issue of New York Times magazine from one of his pants pockets and smugly began flipping through it just to add even further to the already-overwhelming teasing effect.
"Um...w-well, if you INSIST..." Alphys reluctantly, nervously replied, swallowing her pride and licking her lips intently while Burgerpants briefly pulled down his magazine and glared seductively at her.
"Dangit, HOW DID HE FREAKING KNOW?" Alphys thought confusedly to herself, blushing and hanging her head shamefully as she reluctantly reached out with her arms and removed Burgerpants' sneakers, revealing his incredibly long and sexy and feline (and linty, and sweat-caked, and fungus-growing) bare soles and causing Alphys to nosebleed so hard that she ended up flamboyantly placing the back of her hand over her forehead and fainting head-over-heels onto the floor!
THIRTY SECONDS LATER...
"TEE HEE HEE...man, that tickles something fierce, let me tell you...so, uh, anyway, yeah, how does it TASTE, foot girl?" Burgerpants snickered teasingly as poor, poor Alphys wrinkled her unfortunately large nose like shriveled-up tinfoil, her eyes leaking disgusted, sorrowful tears from how unbelievably horrible the cashier's feet smelled as she licked up and down his soles and arches, all around the balls of his feet, and even all over and in-between his toes.
"OH, how you would presumably laugh your ever-loving butt off if I ever told you how much I am currently YEARNING for death's sweet embrace..." Alphys moaned in both internal and external pain as pretty much everyone in the restaurant gathered around just to laugh at her.
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
"Wow, your a reel PERVIRT!" Temgnastic laughed teasingly at Alphys while Undyne did the same, causing Alphys to irritatedly roll her eyes, cross her arms over her chest and go "HMPH" in response while the three of them relievedly ate their rather generous serving of burgers and fries together.
"Oh, believe me, I would KNOW!" Undyne laughed wholeheartedly at Alphys, remembering that one time a few weeks ago (in another past timeline, confusingly enough) in the Alphys VS Undyne competition where she had shrunken herself with one of Alphys' shrink rays (that she now regrets even inventing in the first place, mind you, mostly for this very reason), snuck inside the poor lizard nerd's already rather-heavily-tormented brain through one of her ear canals while she was asleep, and found an almost unthinkably massive so-called "private" anime porn stash conspicuously lying around in her memory banks in such a way that literally anyone intelligent enough to figure out that her password was "mewmewkissycutie" (which, let's face it, requires an IQ of about 50 at most) could find it...and of course, this has now become a nightly routine for Undyne, even going as far as taking control over the poor girl's body and making her dance naked, so she really has no room to talk regarding which one of the two is a bigger, nastier pervert than the other.
"AND that's why I keep telling myself that I'm going to sleep with ear plugs from now on, but never actually follow through on the promise for whatever strange and peculiar reason..." Alphys sighed, briefly taking her glasses off and irritatedly double-facepalming herself and gloomily burying her head in her hands and rubbing her eyes exhaustedly while Undyne and Temgnastic winked mischievously at each other and shot each other the thumbs-up sign.
"Anyway, as I was saying, you're already plenty strong enough to take care of those crippling depression issues of yours as IS!" Undyne chuckled wholeheartedly, still struggling not to burst out laughing hysterically at just how big of a complete and utter fool Alphys had just admittedly made of herself in public...which, by the way, as you can probably imagine, was REALLY nothing new for them.
"But HOW? That's the question, HOW?" Alphys asked Undyne exhaustedly, putting her glasses back on and shrugging her shoulders as she eagerly awaited the viable answer that she knew she was never going to get out of a pair of almost-completely-illiterate idiots like Undyne and Temgnastic.
"Um, like, DURRR, just figure it out yourself and stuff!" Undyne and Temgnastic laughed mockingly at Alphys while she just rested her chin on her elbow-propped hands, squinted her eyes inquisitively and looked down intently at the tabletop, puzzling and puzzling until her puzzler was sore (as if it wasn't sore enough already).
A FEW MINUTES LATER, AFTER THE THREE OF THEM HAD FINISHED EATING ABOUT HALF OF THEIR DISPROPORTIONATELY MASSIVE BURGERS AND FRY SERVINGS AND WERE GETTING READY TO IRONICALLY TAKE THE REST OF IT HOME IN TAKE-OUT CONTAINERS...
"Alphys, for God's sake, you should REALLY be a little more confident, you know!" Undyne raised her voice agitatedly at Alphys, reaching across the table, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her into focus. "Repeat after me; NO ONE beats my girlfriend when she's on the guitar!"
"No one beats my girlfriend when she's on the guitar..." Alphys groaned, shrugging her shoulders and rolling her eyes in boredom, not to mention knowledge of the fact that she had already heard Undyne tell her this at least somewhere around seventeen-and-a-half bajillion times.
"But she's a complete and total PUSSYWILLOW otherwise!" Temgnastic giggled adorably as he crawled over to the other end of the table, took the vacant seat right next to Alphys' and began pinching her mesmerizingly pudgy and chubby little nose and cheeks, causing her to reflexively flinch and fidget and flail her arms about like a complete hyperactive madwoman.
"TEMMIE!" Undyne glanced over at Temgnastic and scolded him angrily.
"But it totally IS the truth, you know..." Alphys sighed, resting her cheeks on the palms of her hands and looking down hopelessly depressedly at the table as Temmie leaned in and lovingly kissed her on the right cheek, but unfortunately to no avail besides making her face turn rosy-red for a few seconds and getting a few cheap laughs out of him and Undyne.
"Hey, don't you ever forget, Alphys; we are SODACAN! With the powers of Temgnastic's strength-of-a-hundred-men drumming force, your no-longer-being-inappropriately-referred-to-in-the-third-person guitar and my almighty bass combined with that equally earth-shattering voice of mine, all combined together, we become the music equivalent to CAPTAIN PLANET!" Undyne explained in a horribly exaggerated manner as not one but two highly unexpected and highly unwelcome visitors (one being a big muscular anthro rabbit and the other being an equally large and muscular anthro dragon) suddenly barged right in through the front door of the restaurant, with dildos in hand and ridiculously thick suits of jet-black armor on their bodies.
"SCRAM, you freaking gay-ass bundle of, like, sticks and stuff! For, like, the BILLIONTH freaking time, dude, the girl's MINE, not yours! For God's, like, sake and junk, get it through your thick fire-breathing skull, WILL you?!" RG01 yelled angrily at RG02, his bunny ears sticking straight up in livid agitation and disgust as he smacked RG02 across his fat scaly face with a giant purple dildo; so hard, in fact, that it sent the poor dragon flying right back out through the front door of the restaurant.
"Oh SURE, bro, look who's fricking TALKING!" RG02 growled frustratedly at RG01, barging right back in through the front door, tackling RG01 headfirst onto the ground and repeatedly punching him in the head as the two of them reluctantly stripped their armor and clothes off in public while everyone in the restaurant simply gawked in amazement with their jaws dropped to the floor.
"Don't be intimidated, Burgerpants, just try to imagine them in their UNDERWEAR..." Burgerpants thought nervously to himself, shaking in his sneakers, closing his eyes as tightly as he could possibly manage and breaking out into a cold sweat while Temgnastic did the same.
"OH NO, THEY'RE HOT!" Burgerpants screamed internally as he opened his eyes back up and saw the buff dragon and the equally buff rabbit rolling around on the floor and erotically grinding their sweaty, oily, muscular and incredibly homosexual bodies against each other.
"OHH, I FEEL LIKE I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN..." Alphys moaned with excitement, nosebleeding herself into a coma yet again while Undyne eagerly recorded the footage on her iPhone.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, AFTER THE ROYAL GUARDS HAD RECLOTHED THEMSELVES...
"Alright, now that we're done with...whatever the hell THAT was, which by the way, we, like, sincerely apologize and stuff to anyone who ended up having to, like, see that and stuff...I'm afraid that it's now time for us to get RIGHT down to business!" RG01 explained as him and RG02 ominously marched directly toward Alphys' and Undyne's table, their armor clinging and clanging obnoxiously loudly on the tiled floor with each and every single step that they took.
"Well, well, look what the CATFISH dragged in! Plenty of delicious munchies for the BOTH of us, am I right?" RG02 laughed heartily, nudging RG01 teasingly with his elbow.
"Not only that, but also an adorable little dinosaur BABE, all dressed up and ready for the fornication process! Ain't that RIGHT, Larry?" RG01 chuckled, patting RG02 on the back while Alphys glared angrily at the two of them, turning red in the face for surprisingly non-embarrassment-related reasons and gritting her teeth in disgust while Undyne felt around frantically in her magical unlimited-space pocket for only-god-knows-what...yes, indeed, as you should probably already know very well by now, I'm being extremely sarcastic here, just so you know.
"Gary, you don't even have the first real-life-experience CLUE of how the thing that you're talking about right now actually WORKS, do you?" Larry sighed, truly flabbergasted and dumbfounded by RG01's sheer infuriating ignorance.
"Oh, why of COURSE not, and that's just going to make this even BETTER!" Gary laughed, clutching his sides merrily while Alphys clutched her head and shook timidly in her seat, the dots in her eyes shrinking to the size of small periods as Undyne FINALLY found what she had been looking for.
"Here, Alphys, take THIS!" Undyne playfully encouraged her beloved lizard girlfriend, pulling an entire guitar right out of her dinky little pants pocket and throwing it all the way around the entire planet Earth, breaking at least two different windows in the process as the guitar magically circled its way all the way back to Alphys and hit her right in the side of her head!
Now, honestly, even I'm not quite sure exactly which specific parts of her poor brain the guitar's impact affected the most, as it was apparently randomly decided by magic or some crazy shite like that, but from that point onward, it was often said by many that Alphys' ego suddenly grew at least three sizes that day, with her overall self-esteem unfortunately remaining about the same.
"LEAVE IT TO LAMMYYYYYY- I mean, ALPHYYYYSSSS!" Alphys yelled valiantly at the tops of her pretty little lungs, creating a massive explosion of random obnoxiously bright colors and diamonds all over the background as she eagerly grabbed her guitar off of the floor, leaping up onto the table (crushing a good portion of the leftovers underneath her great big dinosaur feet in the process, much to Undyne's and Temgnastic's chagrin), posing in only the most badass manner and striking a ball-busting power chord on her almighty Stratocaster while Gary and Larry just stood there in front of her, clutching their crotches and squealing in unbearable genital pain.
"YEEEAAAHHH!" Alphys bellowed dramatically like a true rockstar as she pounced onto her gay assailants and metaphorically shredded them into unceremoniously creamed and canned spinach (in other words, knocked them unconscious) with the sheer amazing power of her guitar while a complete shitstorm of random rainbow-colored LSD wave effects surged seizure-inducingly hyperactively through the background in what could only be described as something straight out of a psychedelic stoner-rock music video from the late 20th century.
"See, kids? THIS right here is exactly why you SHOULD be doing drugs!" Undyne stepped in (somewhat breaking the fourth wall a bit if you ask me) and explained through an incredibly long-corded microphone that she had presumably plugged into Temgnastic's surprisingly large brain or something.
"Oh, don't worry, I'll be perfectly FINE, iff perhapps a bet UNHENGED!" Temgnastic giggled playfully, flipping the top part of her head wide open on its cartoonish hinges for everyone to see while Alphys leapt up merrily into the air (using the Royal Guards' comatose, gay-ass bodies, of course) and struck a fabulous victory pose while a whole crowd of police officers suddenly arrived onto the scene from all around and (mostly barefootedly) kicked the front door (which was made of glass) right down, surprisingly just to arrest the Royal Guards and not Alphys herself.
ONE TEDIOUSLY LONG SWEEPING AND GLASS DISPOSAL SESSION LATER...
"Thank you for finally taking care of these annoyingly sexist pieces of scum for us, my dear psychopathic womanchild. Oh, and by the way, you're still PERMANENTLY f***ing fired from your former job as the Royal Scientist, so don't even THINK about begging like a mangy dog for me to give it back to you, capiche?" Head Police Officer Toriel explained, patting Alphys on the head sarcastically as he locked each of the bullies' individual pairs of hands together in cuffs and walked them right out the front door and into her extravagantly fancy police limousine.
"Yeah, I get it..." Alphys sighed, her arms weakly drooping downward in front of her as she depressedly adopted her classic hunchback bodily posture and mopingly walked her way back home to her apartment.
"Oh dear god, this is going to end up turning out like an episode of Rocko's Modern Life on LSD mixed with the genderbent bastard child of Parappa The Rapper, isn't it?" Temgnastic stood up on his tiptoes and whispered worriedly into Undyne's ear-fin, trembling in reminiscently anxious terror.
"You literally could not have even POSSIBLY described my current thoughts and anticipations regarding the matter more accurately even if you TRIED, my good sir!" Undyne giggled and blushed embarrassedly, scooping Temgnastic up into her arms and cuddling him lovingly.