For SapphoIsBurning - Yuletide 2017
Promotion-threatening error or marketing brilliance, no one is quite sure which category the hasty rebranding of SRW's ill-fated Lethal Leap Year falls into. All we know is, despite repeated attempts to gain an official response, Doctor Craig Armstrong Smith III has no comment, except, "How did you get in here, I'm calling the police!"
Given the impressive array of talent at the first ever Perilous Pig Day event on March 1st, this was an event guaranteed to draw the attention of the porcine-loving crowds at the National Pig Day celebrations, most of whom were squarely in the corner of Big Bartholomew and his recently wed cousin, Christian Joy.
At ringside were Lance Catamaran and the ever-extraneous Chett Chetterfield, providing the commentary for which they are so rightly known to the tens upon tens of watchers over at KMOB12.
** 12 Man Battle Royal **
Starting us off was the impressive sight of twelve - yes, twelve - men stalking the squared circle, taking measure of their opponents. Even the rookies displayed a veteran ring awareness, almost impossible to describe, in their single-minded goal to become the number one contender to John Johnson's Championship Title.
Controversy as, seconds before the bell, three competitors were removed from the ring, it having been determined they did not meet the minimum height requirements as they were, in fact, escaped pigs.
Although Porkchop Jones made a convincing argument that they were his Porkterage, he agreed the pigs should exit the ring after Tag Team Champions,'Dry Rub' Doug and Frantic Frank - The Butchers - made suggestive, and frankly unwarranted, chopping and slicing motions.
After a recount, "Astonishing" Adam Düng and Dewey Jackson were recorded as no-shows, while entrant Deblan Desperadi was determined by three of the five referees present to be a lady wrestler wearing a false moustache. Better luck next time, Deblan, if that's even your real name!
All now settled, we were in for an unexpected treat as we entered into the first ever 9 Man 12 Man Battle Royal!
La Barba Grande, the world's most bearded - and at 6' 5", tallest - luchador, made a dominant first move as he picked up the "Impressive" Pelvis Wesley and carried him to the ropes, but was distracted by a well-executed kick to the ankle from SRW Champion John Johnson. Pelvis began shrieking that he had cats. I couldn't begin to tell you what psychology he was aiming for, but it appeared to work as La Barba dropped him on the spot. Sadly, it was over the top rope, from a height of twelve feet.
Wishing you a speedy recovery, Pelvis!
On the heels of Wesley's unceremonious exit, seven remaining wrestlers formed a successful alliance to force La Barba Grande over the top rope, losing only four of their own number in the process. Bad luck, René Beret, Dan Bandana, Porkchop Jones and Nicci Lee Styxxx!
With only John Johnson and the team of the Butchers left in the ring, it seemed a foregone conclusion how the Battle Royal would end - the only question left being which member of the Tag Team Champions would go on to face Johnson for his belt.
Of course, one of the most exciting parts of wrestling is its unpredictability, and while some there might consider unlikely a series of events where Doug and Frank suplexed, moonsaulted and then eliminated each other in their enthusiasm to engage with John Johnson, I believe we bore witness to a victory by the eminent ring tactician of our age.
Exactly how John Johnson will face himself for the championship has yet to be determined, but this fan has no doubt that SRW will outdo themselves once again.
Result
John Johnson wins via non-elimination
Grade
****1/2
Georgia Gold: bring your pig for any attending wrestler* of your choice to sign!
* Wrestlers may not be attending. Whoo!
** Surf Dudes with Attitudes vs Doovoo **
Voo and his brother, Doo, have recently sought to distance themselves from their employer (or deployer [Ed. still not funny, remove],) the banker, Mr. Mackelroy. Rumors suggest they feel slighted by his fixation on the newest member of his stable, The Sea Creature, but this fan believes it may simply be that they're ready to start climbing their way towards tag team gold, and what better way to start than taking on the Surf Dudes with Attitudes?
On one side, a team who've built their career on the power of positivity, having fun in the ring and being role models outside it - a team with their own line of protein bars, Beauti O's (available at a supermarket near you, may contain trace elements of protein) - against two dark masters of pain and torment, who delight in the misery of others and questionable fashion choices.
It has all the makings of greatest story ever told in the squared circle.
Unfortunately, it seems we'll have to wait a little longer for what will undoubtedly be a classic for the ages, as the Surf Dudes were unable to make it to the ring within their allotted time, complaining of inexplicable stabbing pains, headaches, nausea, dry mouth, and slight total paralysis.
Better start eating more of those protein bars, boys!
Result
Doovoo, via forfeit
Grade
**1/2
** Big Bartholomew with Christian Joy vs The Sea Creature with The Banker, Mr. Mackelroy **
There is no doubt that this match is in a main event class all of its own! The Mobile County Fair was the place to be for any wrestling fan, even before the Great Hampede stole the nation's attention (see page 48 and obits.)
Though the Banker, Mr. Mackelroy, is considered the most astute businessman in SRW or any other wrestling promotion in Mobile, Alabama, some have argued he miscalculated this investment. While The Sea Creature is undoubtedly an impressive ring tactician, with an encyclopaedic knowledge of holds and counters, some felt the pacing of the match was somewhat hurt by the Creature returning to his water tank every thirty seconds.
I, and many other fans, disagree.
And that's not to take anything away from Big Bartholomew, who is rightfully acknowledged as one of the greatest technical mat wrestlers of his generation. While the Creature was in the ring, the clinic they put on was a revelation to us all. While I don't think any of us were surprised when Christian Joy unplugged the water tank, I felt it ruined what was a strong contender for match of the year.
Yes, even considering the stellar ring work put together by René Beret and Dan Bandana in their instant classic a month ago: the two-hour, no DQ, street baguette iron man match.
Remember to write in with your comments if you disagree - a history of spirited, but respectful discussion is what this publication is all about!
Result
The Sea Creature, via DQ
Grade
****1/2
Introducing Old Spice's newest scent: Submission. Just give in.
** Chad 2 Badd vs Tex Ferguson **
The main event: a Shakespearean tragedy that has unfolded before our eyes in recent months, as men who were once much, much closer than even the closest brothers fell to jealousy, greed and suspicion.
Everyone will remember the scene that brought tears to those watching: the epilation heard around the world, when Tex accidentally caught Chad 2 Badd's chest hair in the chair he'd been wielding against Frantic Frank, one half of the Southpaw Tag Team Champions, The Butchers.
The recriminations and heartache, the détantes, where it seemed there may be a reconciliation. The final nail in the coffin of hope, when Chad replaced Tex's map of the states with a map of Antigua. And then, of course, the countless sneak attacks against Tex by unknowns, such as Freddie Blassie, hired by Chad's own hand.
There were many who doubted that, with both eyes, an arm and a leg out of commission, Tex would be able to hold his own.
I think it's safe to say all doubts have been silenced.
The match began apace, both men so familiar with each others moves, a dizzying back and forth of armbars, boots and lariats, each more punishing than the last. Even now, thinking back, I can't begin to imagine how these men even made it to the twenty minute mark, let alone a full hour.
The boos of the crowd were electrifying.
All good - even great - things must end, and while some might have considered the double count out unsatisfying, and others still might consider that the first beginnings of the Hampede, I for one found this final act of pathos a fitting end to a storied legacy.
Result
Double count out
Grade
*****1/4
Join me again on April 19th for the third annual Joyous Easter Assault - a great day out for all the family, where we can expect ever more thrilling competition and unparalleled entertainment!