Star Wars
Episode II
The Klown Wars
A long time ago in a galaxy very far away,
The evil Sith Lords Darth Sidious, His master, the evil Sith Lord Darth Plagueis, and his apprentice, the evil Sith Lord Darth Tyrannus, have allied themselves with a race of evil beings known as Klowns. Hideous, merciless and with no sense of fashion, the Klowns have caused much comical carnage amongst the forces of The Galactic Republic. . .
Having already defeated the evil Sith Klown Darth Bobo in mortal combat, young Jedi Anakin Skywalker has earned the wrath of Klowns everywhere. The Great and Powerful Jojo, Ruler of The Dark Circus, has posted an enormous bounty on his head, a bounty many are eager to collect . . .
Separatist leaders Po Nudo, Head of The Hyper-Communications Cartel and Wat Tambor, Head of The Techno Union, having been captured by Republic forces, are even now being ferried to Coruscant for trial aboard the prison ship Mariposa. Guarding them are Jedi Knights Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi and a full contingent of Clone Troopers.
Little do The Jedi know that even now Dark and comical forces are being gathered against them. . .
Darth Sidious' hologram towered over his kneeling apprentice. "Darth Bobo has failed us." Darth Sillious nodded his head, his shaggy blue hair bouncing against his chalky white skin. "I trust that you shall do better, my apprentice." Darth Sillious nodded again. "You are to proceed to the Bespin system, intercept the prison ship Mariposa and free Po Nudo and Wat Tambor from Republic custody." The Klown giggled at the name 'Po Nudo', earning a glare from his master. As soon as the signal ended the Klown stuck out his tongue at the space formerly occupied by his holographic master. Darth Sillious stood to his full 2.5 meters, and looked at his kotton kandy gun. Not as elegant as a icicle saber, but effective.
Darth Sidious shook his head. Klowns were one of the most powerful races with regard to The Dark Side of the Force that The Sith Order had ever encountered. They were also the most illogical, unpredictably psychotic beings he had ever known. They would often perform for their victims, being quite skilled entertainers, then slay them without mercy. Very rare was the Klown who embraced a 'balance' between The Light and The Darkness, and none followed The Light alone. To them The Fanged God was The Great and Powerful Morto, Father and Lord of The Klowns. They were ridiculous creatures, and that made them incredibly efficient murderers. Who would suspect a bumbling fool of evil intent? In truth, perhaps, it was unavoidable that they be creatures of Darkness. They were predators, like the Anzati, and a predator cannot deny his nature. Darth Sidious shrugged and went back to playing with his dolls.
A few hours later. . .
He towered over the clones, a hideous giant. His skin was pasty white, his incredibly wide, toothy mouth bore bright red lips and large blue swathes arched around his gleaming yellow eyes. Between those eyes was a huge, spherical red blob of a nose. His hair was thick, curly and pale blue. His pear-shaped form was arrayed in a motley array of blue, yellow, red and black, and his feet were covered by huge red shoes that squeaked as he walked. He held a hand puppet in one pudgy, four-digit hand.
The troopers drew a bead on the creature. "Who are you? How did you get aboard our ship?" The creature smiled broadly and waved good-bye with his free hand as a stream of pink strands flowed from the gun hidden beneath the puppet. Blaster bolts tore into him, scorching his colorful costume but apparently not harming the creature in the least. Within moments the corridor, the clones and everything else was coated in a thick layer of sticky pink webbing.
Darth Sillious chuckled evilly and headed down the corridor.
Junior, Rollo, Fatty and Chuckles emerged from the Big Top into the Mariposa. Each held their weapons ready and plodded off in different directions, looking for prey.
"I sense a powerful Darkness approaching." Obi-Wan Kenobi drew his lightsaber as Anakin drew his own. "That power, it feels. . . Familiar, somehow." Anakin Skywalker shuddered at the depth of the evil he sensed. Terrible screams and even more terrible laughter rang through the ship as the two Jedi rushed to confront the invader.
Such laughter.
"Klowns." Skywalker said with a note of dread. Obi-Wan nodded grimly. Klowns were one of the most irredeemably evil races in the universe, and one of the most dangerous. The door to the control room flew inwards, propelled by The Force, crushing a row of computer terminals and barely missing the two Jedi. There was a heavy sigh, and the giant Klown entered the room. He held up a puppet/gun and fired pink string toward the shocked warriors.
'Bucket-head. Nudie." The strange creature motioned toward Wat Tambor and Po Nudo, who were somewhat hesitant to leave the cell. It was about 1.2 meters tall, with a purple mohawk and baggy yellow costume. Its chalk-white skin was broken by a massive purple mouth that stretched ear to pointed ear and a bulbous red nose. Yellow eyes peered from light blue lids. The two Separatist leaders had seen the small creature kill their guards with corrosive pies, and had no desire to join them. "Come. Now." It motioned with a four-digit hand.
Darth Sillious recognized Anakin as the human who had slain his brother. Filled with rage, he lit his bright yellow icicle saber while still shooting kotton kandy in all directions. The Jedi responded by Force Pushing flying debris toward the Klown's nose, but the Sith was too fast. Obi-Wan began focusing pressure on the nose, the only vulnerable spot on the Klown's body, but it was Force-Shielded. The Sith Klown responded with Force Choke, and Kenobi could feel an invisible hand tightening around his throat as Anakin moved in and began to duel with the Klown.
The Mariposa sped through hyperspace, a small circus tent attached to its side.
Junior could see himself reflected in Po Nudo's four shiny eyes. Aqualish had always looked funny to him, and this one was no exception. Ol' Bucket-head was too slow, so the Klown had slung the much larger Skakoan over his shoulders, leaving his head literally dragging the ground behind him.
His mission was to free the two, not to make them comfortable.
Anakin's rage increased as he saw Kenobi black out, and he slashed the Klown's gun arm off, breaking his concentration. The Klown turned and fled. Anakin pursued, but the Sith was using Force Speed and the sticky pink substance covering the ship slowed his own movements.
The Separatists found themselves a twisted, brightly colored architectural nightmare. A number of free standing doors sat or swayed in a foggy room large enough to fit a medium-sized Cruiser. Wat Tambor rubbed his sore head as he surveyed the room. The small Klown opened one of the doors and walked into another room, despite the fact the door was not attached to anything save the floor, beckoning the others to follow.
An incredibly fat Klown with orange hair and a bright yellow-green suit blocked the corridor with his massive bulk. Anakin couldn't help to note a slight resemblance to that bloated Senator Orn Free Taa in the Klown. Rollo lifted his kotton kandy gun and fired at Anakin, who used a Force Barrier to deflect the deadly strands. Rollo growled and held up his hands, creating a monstrous shadow puppet with the ambient light. The shadow growled and lunged for Anakin, who jumped back and struck at it with his lightsaber. Impossibly, the shadow puppet whimpered and vanished. The Klown screeched as if struck, then turned and fled, his huge form moving with surprising speed. Anakin, fighting his way through thick pink webbing and dodging flying rubber chickens, was unable to catch the obese creature.
Darth Sillious lept onto the vessel, his arm regenerating rapidly. He telepathically called the rest of the Troupe to retreat. He hated leaving so much food behind, but the two Jedi, especially the younger one, were too powerful. Fatty and Chuckles were tossing cocoons aboard the ship, trying to get as many as they could before fleeing.
Obi-Wan's consciousness returned slowly, and he rose shakily, rubbing his bruised throat. Anakin was gone, and he was surrounded by cocoons that had once been men. He could feel through The Force that Anakin was alive, but he could also feel a disturbing Darkness rising within the young man.
As Anakin reached the breached area of the ship's hull, he caught a flash of bright color as the Klown lept onto his ship. Before he could follow The Big Top detached itself and he was forced to watch helplessly as the twirling, diamond shaped craft vanished into hyperspace. Anakin screamed in frustration as the Klowns escaped.
Later
The objective of this attack had become clear with the discovery of the missing prisoners. The Klowns were obviously allied with The Confederacy and The Sith. And what powerful allies they were. 126 dead, 32 missing, almost certainly dead as well. All of them trained clone warriors. And the Mariposa had been attacked and boarded in hyperspace.
Cato Nemodia
The Circus had come to Cato Nemodia. Both Po Nudo and Wat Tambor were happy to leave The Big Top, especially after seeing what purpose those cocoons served. Lott Dod, Nute Gunray and the Nemoidian people in general, however, were not so happy to see Klowns on their home world.
Cotton Candy stocks fell by 98% on the Intergalactic Banking Clan Exchange.
The End.
Notes:
I was originally going to call him Darth Darth, but that didn't sound Klownish enough. Are Bobo, Junior and Fatty the same characters from my story 'Punk'? Maybe.
The Fanged God, also known as The Son, is the embodiment of The Dark Side of The Force.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space belong to The Chiodo Brothers
Star Wars belongs to Lucasfilm Ltd.