So, I just found this story started writing MONTHS ago, and forgot. And I found it tonight, and finished it! Please let me know what you think!
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She sat on her bed, body tensed up as if ready to spring into attack mode. But she didn't move. Who knows how long it had been since she'd moved. Clint certainly didn't know, he had only just walked into her room to find his partner like this. But knowing Natasha, she could have easily been sitting here for hours.
He cleared his throat to let her know he was there, as if she didn't know the second his hand touched her door to open it. "Um, hey Nat… You ok? Something wrong?" Her teeth were clenched, her eyes did not leave the corner of her room. "A spider got in. It's building its web. Right now. In my room. Waiting for victims." Sure enough when Clint took a second glance at the spot Natasha was staring so intensely at, he realized a Daddy Long Legs was building a web between two walls.
"Um, do you want me to do something with it? I could kill it, or let it out…" "No!" Natasha yelled at him. "Don't kill it! Aren't you sick of just killing all the time? Just leave it alone!" Natasha whipped a heavy book from her nightstand at Clint, that he narrowly avoided. He was just glad she hadn't thrown a knife. "Ok! Ok! But you can't let it live in your room, that's just not practical Nat. Listen, I'll catch it, and take it downstairs and find some new place where it can make its web. It'll take like ten minutes, ok?"
Natasha paused for a long moment, before nodding her assent. "Fine. Just- don't kill it." The spider was caught, and soon Clint was in an elevator headed down to the ground floor of Stark Tower. The spider was trapped in a plastic cup, Clint watched as it kept struggling to escape. He thought it looked as if the daddy longlegs was about to try and jump over the sides of the cup, when the elevator doors opened.
"Whats up big-bird? What's in the cup?" Tony Stark barged into the elevator, punched the button for the second floor and leaned over to see what Hawkeye was holding. "Back off man," Clint complained, resisting the urge to toss the contents of the cup into Tony's face, just to watch the mighty Iron Man's reaction. But that would probably end with the spider being killed, and he HAD promised not to kill it. "It's just a spider I found in Natasha's room, that I am taking outside for her, ok? Stop being so damn nosy."
Tony grabbed the cup and peeked inside- and then burst out laughing. "Are you serious? Is she scared of spiders? You have got to be kidding me. Did she have to ask you to kill it for her? Hypothetical question- if I build a giant robot spider, how much will she freak out? Would that be hilarious, or end in my death? Oh- so maybe then instead I could hire Cap to-"
Clint intterupted Tony abruptly, shoving him into a wall. "I swear Tony, if you do anything like that, I will find out your worst fears, and make sure not a day goes by that they do not plague you. And then, when you think it can't get any worse, I'll let Natasha go after you."
Luckily just then they arrived at floor two, the doors dinged open, and Clint was able to kick Stark out of elevator- Like, literally, kick him out. It sounded like something might have snapped as Tony fell, and he was cursing quite explicitly as the doors slid shut.
Clint was now silently fuming as he rode down to the first floor. Nat had had an extremely rough mission a couple weeks ago, and was not in good shape. The last thing she needed was to have Stark plaguing her about a possible fear of spiders. The Black Widow put on a good show in front of the rest of the team, joked about her recent "vacation" and forced herself to show up for the occasional meal, and one of Tony's mandatory movie nights. The team thought she was fine, that she was limitlessly strong, fearless- but they had no idea. No idea.
They didn't know that she had hardly slept in the last week and a half. They were not there the night that she returned from her mission, looking, yet again, as if she had just been through hell and back. They had not been the one to bandage the latest array of wounds, parading up and down her body, leaving behind colorful bruises and a painful variety of deep gashes, with a couple of new bullet wounds tossed in. Clint was the only one who knew any of these things, no one else had a clue. And that was because she didn't want anyone else to know. It was because no one knew Natasha like he did, could never get as close to her as he was. Clint always knew it was a privilege to knew her in ways no one else did; But now, when she was secretly falling apart and would not let anyone try and help her, he felt what a terrible burden this friendship, this love could be.
Once outside, Clint found a nice bush, and carefully deposited the spider on top of it. He snapped a quick photo with his phone, just to prove to Nat he had taken care of the matter properly, and then headed back up to her room. But first, he made a pit stop in the kitchen, determined to find some food that Natasha would actually eat. He hadn't seen her eat anything substantial since she got back, claiming she wasn't at all hungry, or lying she had already eaten when the Avengers had dinner. But he knew her better than that. He found a few things Nat might like, and headed up back to her room.
It looked like she hadn't moved. She was still on her bed, still staring numbly into the same corner of the room. Clint glanced at the corner, to see what she was looking at, and saw the wispy remains of the half built web clinging to the walls. "I got rid of it Tash… Promise it won't get in here again. And if it does, I promise to take it outside again. Or maybe I could ask Stark and Banner to build you some anti spider security, to keep them out of your room? Then it wouldn't be able to scare you!" He laughed at this, but Natasha glared at him, lifted herself on one arm, and reached under her pillow for something- knowing Nat, she probably wasn't grabbing for anything nice.
"Excuse me Clint? What did you just say? How DARE you just assume I am scared of something like a stupid little spider! And what, were you down there blabbing to Bruce and Stark about how "the great Black Widow is terrified of a tiny little spider?" So they offered to build me something stupid to keep them out? Did you have fun laughing it up, making fun of me?" Clint hastily tried to back up, take back what he had said. "No! No way! I know you probably aren't really scared of spiders, and I just ran into Stark in the elevator, and he wondered why I had a spider in a cup and-"
Now Natasha was fuming, too mad to even hold a gun or knife to pretend and threaten Clint. But she was still terrifying. "What? You told Stark I was scared of spiders? That I was a wimp who needed a big strong man to save me from the little bug? So now he can torture me and drop spiders all over the building? I thought I could trust you!" Clint found himself wishing he had never said anything. "No, Romanoff, you know me better than that- I didn't- I wouldn't-" This time she did throw a knife towards him, luckily she was aiming more for the door behind him. At least, he hoped that was she was was aiming for. "Stay out of my room Barton!" She shouted, another knife already in hand.
Wanting to stay alive, Clint quickly fled the room. But he didn't really leave. Instead he stood in the hallway, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. Natasha was his partner, if he had thought for a minute, he wouldn't have even mentioned Stark to her, let alone implied that Nat was scared of anything. She was in a delicate place right now, recovering from whatever happened on that mission, clearly dealing with some serious stuff that had gone down. He should have just taken care of the damn spider, and tried to get some food into her.
He realized he was still holding the food he had brought up for her. A jar of olives, a pint of chocolate ice-cream, and some leftover pizza. He considered leaving it outside the bedroom door, but who knows when she will come out again. Taking a deep breathe, holding the food like a shield, Clint went back into the bedroom.
Instead of finding his partner armed to the teeth, waiting to take him down for coming back in, he saw Natasha was laying on her bed, curled up in a ball, huddled under a blanket. "Go away Clint." She ordered, in a dull voice, saying she was not even going to try and fight him. "I just want to be alone." Cautiously, Clint sat down on the end of her bed, tucked the blanket more securely around her. "I understand Nat. I screwed up. I'm so sorry, I promise I didn't tell Stark you were scared of any spiders. He just saw I was carrying the spider, I mentioned I got it from your room, and he jumped to some stupid conclusions. I should have thrown it down his throat, and told him you're not scared of anything."
Nat rolled towards her partner, almost smiled. "Yeah, Seriously Barton, way to let me down. I honestly expect you to throw a live spider down Tony's throat as soon as possible- and make sure to record that. Might just make my day." The two assassins were silent for a few more minutes, when Natasha sighed. "You're going to make me stop spending so much time in my room, aren't you." Clint nodded, "yup." "And start eating again?" "Genius, Romanoff." "And talk about why I freaked over a spider, and tell you what happened on that mission?" Clint just nodded.
After a pause, Tasha groaned and sat up. "Give me that ice-cream" she ordered, pulling the blanket tighter around herself. "You really won't leave me alone until I talk about the stupid job?" Clint handed over the ice cream, and opened the olives, tossed one into his mouth. "Nope. You always make me talk about my awful missions so I will get better, now I get to turn the tables. Come on, talk to me Romanoff. You need to snap out of this, I need to get the real you back."
Natasha almost smiled again, "Fine, if you insist on hearing more of my messed up problems, be my guest. It's not a big deal. Just- it was a bad mission. Really bad, one of the worst since I joined Shield. It's just- the things they made me do…. The things that I did….. It felt like nothing had changed, as if I was back in the red room. I thought when I came to Shield I was starting a new life. Could become a different person. But I don't think I have changed at all. I am still a damn spider, going on missions, spinning my web, taking out whatever victims I manage to snare. All that's changed is the side I'm fighting for. I am starting to think that I will never really be able to change, I will always be the poisoned spider who will kill whoever you tell me to."
Clint flinched, he felt her pain. He just wanted to make this better. But there was nothing he could do. He was powerless to fix this.
She looked at him with eyes almost overflowing with tears. "I killed so many people Clint. So many. On this job alone, any parts of my ledger I managed to clear, have been drenched in blood again. I know that you hate when I talk like that, but it's just how I feel. You know? I tell myself I am doing what's right, saving the world, making a difference. But at the end of the day all I'm doing is killing people. I murder, and kill, and take lives, that's my job Barton. I'm a murderer. I don't save lives, I'm not a hero like Steve, or Stark, or hell even you. All I do is take them."
Clint watched a single tear sneak down Natasha's face, and that was the only one that she let escape. When she looked up at him, her eyes were wet, but she was not crying. She just looked haunted. He reached out, wrapped the blanket more tightly around her, and hugged Natasha close to him.
Neither of them said a word for several long moments, Clint stroked her hair, and she buried her head in his shoulder trying to catch her breath. Finally he found some of the right words that might help.
"You are not a murderer Natasha. I have never seen you take a life unless you absolutely had to. I never knew you when you were a part of the Red Room- But I know who you are now. I know that you overcame something that should have been impossible to overcome, and I know that you would risk your life for anyone who was helpless, or in danger, or just needed your help. I know that a part of you dies every time you have to kill someone- And I know you are not some twisted spider that The Room created. You're my partner. You're Agent Romanoff, and Nat, and you are the smartest person I know, and one of the only people I really truly like to be with all of the time."
Clint held her even tighter in his arms, and said softly, "You're the one that I love."
For the next hour or so the two assassins stayed like that, in each other's arms, drawing comfort from each other. Finally Natasha pulled herself together, and sat up, moving out of Clint's embrace. She looked exhausted, but some of the haunted look had left her eyes. She even smiled a little at him.
"Sorry for wasting your time Barton….. Thank you. Um, well the ice cream's melted, that pizza looks disgusting, and you should know I don't like olives. Do you want to go out and get some food?"
Clint grinned, relief flooding though him. It was so good that she finally wanted to eat again. "Uh, the olives were for me Romanoff, and yes I would love to go get some food. Let's sneak out before Stark catches wind of what we are doing, and insists on crashing the party….."
The two of them quickly got ready, and soon were in the elevator heading down to the first floor. Natasha leaned against Clint, and he sighed. "I hate seeing you like this Nat…. Maybe we should go move to my farm. Quit this crazy spy game." He had suggested this before, and she had always laughed the suggestion off, made a comment about him being crazy. But now, she looked up at him and smiled. "There are worse things we could do."
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