"So…" Paula said, slowly pulling a donut into two pieces and then letting both of them drop onto her plate. Rebecca looked at the chocolate caramel deliciousness, wondering if it tasted better than the cookies and cream one that she'd already half eaten. Not that there was anything wrong with hers, but Paula's looked so good too. "What's going on with you and Nathaniel?"
"What? Nothing." She looked up from the donuts to see Paula looking back at her evenly, eyebrows raised. So, this was one she wasn't going to let drop. And to be fair, it had been weeks since Paula and the others had found her in Nathaniel's arms, about to run away together, and it had taken her this long to press her for information. It was bound to happen sometime. She sighed loudly. "Oh, maybe something. I don't know, some kind of something… thing." She paused, making herself actually try and define exactly what was going on in her mind where Nathaniel was concerned. "We're sleeping together. Have slept together? Have been sleeping together? I don't know what it's called, we've done it twice now."
Paula pushed aside her plate and leaned forward on her elbows. "I know," she said, her stage whisper louder than she'd just been talking. "He was very braggy about it when you were missing."
When she was missing? Oh right, that. "Yeah, so if that night counts as two then I guess three… four…" She stopped counting the times and screwed her face up. "Wait, he was braggy?"
Paula nodded, then shrugged slightly. "But not in a 'doing these bitches' sort of way. More of an 'I've been inside her so I understand her' sort of way."
Rebecca sat back, grimacing. "Well that's not how it works," she said distractedly, but she was sidetracked by the confusing, warm feeling spreading through her as she thought about the times she'd spent with him lately. She looked up and met Paula's gaze evenly. "It's not a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship," she said firmly. "I just…" She tried to think about it honestly. "He's my friend and he makes me laugh and when he shows me that he cares it makes me feel warm inside and also the sex is really good. Like, insanely good." She glanced around to make sure Nathaniel or anyone else wasn't lurking anywhere within earshot. She lowered her voice anyway. "He is a surprisingly generous lover."
Shaking her head and smiling fondly, Paula reached out to squeeze her hand. "Cookie, that sounds a lot like a relationship to me," she said gently.
A denial was ready on her lips, but Paula's eyebrows rose halfway to her hairline, daring her to argue. Instead she sighed. "Go on then, oh wise one."
Paula nodded graciously and let go of her hand. "A normal, healthy relationship," she continued. "When's the last time you had one of those to compare with?"
Yeah, well. Rebecca frowned, knowing exactly the last healthy relationship she had – it didn't exist. Her relationship with Josh had never been on equal terms and definitely hadn't been healthy for her, and what she'd had with Greg could have been great if they both hadn't been too afraid of each other to actually try. She didn't need to look back further than that, knowing it was all varying degrees of bad.
She wasn't afraid this time, not to open up. Somehow, that part came easily with Nathaniel – maybe it was because he understood her family drama, maybe because he already knew all of her darkest corners and hadn't run from them or tried to judge her for them. No, that wasn't the problem.
Paula was right; this sounded like an actual, grown up relationship. And maybe that was why she was so hesitant to think of it as anything other than a friends-with-feelings-with-benefits kind of thing. She was torn between what she wanted and what was good for her.
Her eyes fell down to her hands, which were twisting and tearing her donut into crumbs. "I don't think starting a new relationship is allowed with my therapy," she said heavily. "I should stop seeing him."
Well that felt like a knife in her guts.
"Hey." Paula pulled the plate out of her reach and smiling at her crookedly. "Don't take it out on the baked goods. Now," she said, and her voice was serious again, "I know that one of the things you struggle with is putting your self worth on other people, like your friends and your parents and, yes, men. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see you doing that with Nathaniel. The main thing you need to be doing is looking after yourself, and if he makes you feel good in a normal and not dependant sort of way, then it sounds okay to me. Just make sure you keep yourself in check, and don't let anyone else affect your getting better – or make getting better about anyone other than yourself – and I think you'll be okay."
"You're right," Rebecca said slowly. "Especially since… well, you know, he's just been there for me and it's been easy. I'm not even thinking about changing myself for him or fixing myself with him. It just… feels nice."
"Well to start with, you know you don't need fixing, right?" Paula said, and although her tone was light her eyes were wide and adamant. Rebecca smiled faintly – not fixing, just understanding - and nodded her on. After a moment her shoulders relaxed. "And maybe that's why this doesn't feel like a relationship to you, if you're not unconsciously putting that pressure on both of you." She picked up one of the larger pieces left of Rebecca's donut and popped it into her mouth. "Just take it slow."
Rebecca stared at her blankly, thinking about the first night they'd spent together. "There's not really much left to hold back, if you know what I mean."
Screwing her face up, Paula leaned over and dumped the rest of the donut into the trash. "First of all, ew. He's still my boss. And second, I mean your heart, Cookie. Don't give it all to him too soon. You've gotta save some of that for yourself."
Standing up, Paula gave her a quick, hug, and then left the lunch room for her cubicle. Rebecca was a little too thoughtful to return to work so soon. After a minute she sighed loudly and went to see Nathaniel.
She didn't realise he was on the phone until after she already had the door half-open. His free hand was in his hair, and when he dropped it and glanced up at her the scowl on his face was clear for a moment before it quickly smoothed over. "Look, Dad, I'll call you back later. I have a meeting with… No, I'm not going to keep them waiting. I'll call you when I'm done." He put the phone down with a little more force than was required, letting his breath out in one big rush.
"Sorry if this is a bad time," she said slowly.
"No, it's fine. Thank you, actually," he said, taking another deep breath and gradually letting his shoulders slump. She knew how much tension he carried in those shoulders, and wasn't surprised to find out part of the cause. "I'm losing more and more patience with him every day." His leaned back in his chair, cocking his head to the side. "I think that's your fault, actually," he said lightly.
She felt a moment of worry and defensiveness at his words, before she noticed the small smile playing around his lips. "Oh, really?" she said, stepping into his office and closing the door behind her. She glanced at the chair in front of his desk. This was the furthest thing from a work conversation, and sitting at his desk would have felt too… weird. Him sitting behind his desk felt just as odd. She wasn't sleeping with her boss. Well, she was, but that was kind of incidental and not something that she'd actually thought of until now.
"Absolutely." Pushing his chair back, Nathaniel stood and strolled around to the other side of the desk, leaning back against it a little too casually. This was weird for him, too. Good. Relaxing slightly, she took a step and then another further into the room. Yes, this felt a little more normal. He smiled at her, and she shook off the rest of her awkwardness and nerves.
"Did you mean what you said a few weeks ago?" she asked, determinedly not letting her eyes drop from his. She was going to face this head on. "About feelings?"
His smile slipped a little, but then he straightened his shoulders, lifting his chin. "I did," he said calmly, then paused, looking conflicted. "Unless you don't want me to. I didn't mean it. In fact, I don't remember even saying anything like that -"
"Stop – stop." His denial was something that was familiar to her own mind, but it was so transparent that she could only find it endearing, and that gave her the warm and fuzzies in a low-key way that felt nice instead of stressful. "We're going to spend some time together with clothes on," she told him matter-of-factly. "You're going to take me out to dinner tonight." She paused, then dropped the formality. "But it's only, like, half a date. Because I'm not ready for more than that yet."
Nathaniel nodded slowly. His lips twitched, then spread into a genuine smile. "Got it," he said simply, and his easy acceptance of her terms made her only more sure.
That part out of the way, she let her mind turn to the other thing that had been trying to push its way to the forefront of her thoughts. Looking him up and down, she drank in the sight of his long body leaning back so casually against his desk, and couldn't stop the thought of pushing him back onto the desk and making a mess of his perfectly tidy work space. "But you're probably still going to get lucky tonight," she said, gesturing in the general direction of his body. "You know what you've got going on there."
Nathaniel swallowed visibly, his face going slack, and she found it a strange blend of sexy and adorable that he was turned on by her obvious appraisal of him. This part is easy, she thought, the natural chemistry between them making her skin hot and prickly. But she needed to know how the rest of it was going to work between them.
She forced her thoughts back to a place where she could get through the day without pulling him forcefully into a bathroom and locking the door behind them. No, that image wasn't helping. Giving herself a shake, she flashed him a wide smile. "Pick me up at eight?"
Clearing his throat loudly, he smiled at her ruefully. "It's a date. A half date? It's a half date."