Keep On Moving
The fifth year's dorm was silent tonight. Nothing could be heard but the soft snores of its occupants and the crickets chirping merrily outside. Usually the night was punctured by Harry's distressed moans and cries related to the terrors of his dreams, but tonight he lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling terrified to close his eyes. Nightmares had always plagued him, but in recent events of the past couple of weeks had made them that much worse. Usually he could ignore them and get himself back to sleep for at least a few hours, but tonight the thought of reliving THAT again was enough to keep him wide awake.
He looked over at his clock. Almost as if it was screaming at him, in bright red letters it read, 3:26 are. He sighed and shoved his covers aside and swung his legs over the side of his bed. Rubbing his eyes of their fatigue, he got up and quietly padded to the door so as not to wake anyone up. Little did he know Ron had silently been watching him as he walked out of the dorm.
Ron knew the past week or so had been hard on Harry. Malfoy and his goons had made sure that he was absolutely miserable. No one knew had brought it on, but a week and a half ago one night when Harry had been coming back from lessons with Dumbledore, Malfoy and two of his friends had jumped him from the shadows. They had held him down and put silencing charms on him and violated him horridly. When they had finished with him they hadn't even put his clothes back on. He was simply 'left for dead'. It hadn't been until the Ravenclaw head girl had found him lying in the hallway half conscious that anyone knew what happened. McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey had rushed him to the hospital wing and for the next two days, he was questioned endlessly.
Under normal circumstances, any student who had attacked another student would have immediately been expelled and possibly charged, but seeing as it was Malfoy and his dad had strings at the Ministry, all he got were a weeks worth of detentions with his head of house. Ron and Hermione had been outraged. The toll that had taken on Harry was obvious. Although he had begun to heal physically, mentally, he hadn't even begun to start healing. Waking up to find Harry going down to the Common Room just now was a perfect example. He hadn't been sleeping at all and it was obvious by the slump in his walk, the bags under his eyes, and the defeated look he had permanently etched on his face.
Tonight had been the first night Harry had left the room though, so Ron worriedly followed. He found Harry sitting on the floor mere feet away from the fireplace with his knees up to his chest and his chin resting on his folded arms. His eyes seemed locked to the fire and he didn't even seem to notice Ron in the room until he cleared his throat and broke the silence.
"Hey. Seat taken?" he gestured to the spot next to Harry on the rug. He gave Ron a short glance out of the corner of his eye shook his head.
"You can sit if you want." His voice was quiet as he gazed back into the fire. Ron sighed to himself and settled himself next to his friend, following his example and staring into the fire. There was a long silence where they both simply fed off each others presence. As Ron's concern grew though, he couldn't keep himself silent anymore.
"Why are you down here mate? You should be trying to get some sleep, it's late." Before he was even done talking Harry was shaking his head.
"I can't."
"Why not? Just go to Madam Pomfrey and ask her for some Dreamless sleep. I'm sure she'll give some to you. She knows what happened." At that Harry flinched. He turned his head away and curled himself tighter around his knees. He felt bad for being so blunt, but he couldn't let his best friend go on the way he had been. It wasn't healthy.
"Look, I wish I could sit here and tell you I know what you're going through and that it'll be alright, but I can't. I have no idea what you're going through right now. All I know is that my best friend is sitting here, miserable and exhausted. I just want you to be okay." He wanted so much to just reach over and pull Harry into a hug or at least lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he had been so weary of anyone touching him recently that he wasn't sure if the gesture would be welcome.
When Harry spoke again, his voice sounded thick like he was trying to contain everything he had been hiding from.
"I can't just be okay Ron. I'm trying to be normal. I really am. But I can't begin to feel okay right now." He could hear Harry's breath hitching. He knew that almost two weeks of no sleep and stress were finally coming to the surface.
"Harry-" but he was cut off by Harry who didn't seem to even be aware that Ron was trying to talk to him.
"They control everything I do now Ron. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even bloody concentrate anymore. Everywhere I look they're there staring at me. During class I can't even sit in front of them because I feel so exposed. And do you know what it's like to walk into the great hall every morning, afternoon, and night and have them staring at you the whole way down the aisle. The way they stare at me-" he shuddered and grabbed at his elbows, "-like they want me. They didn't even get punished. They got detention with Snape, who probably bloody praised them for what they did to me."
As much as he wanted to say anything to help, Ron was shocked into silence. He had never heard his best friend sound so lost and desperate or scared. It scared him to know that his friend, no, scratch that, brother, who was usually so strong and determined, was being broken down by this. He was standing so close to the edge of the cliff, and Ron was standing at the bottom ready to break his fall.
"Why do they get to take everything away from me so I'm left here with nothing, while they get to torment me everyday by just being there. I didn't do anything to them! Why did they do this? I didn't do anyth-" the end of his words were cut off by a sob that he couldn't hold in. Ron watched helplessly as he buried his face in his arms and started shaking. Soon the sound of strangled sobs were permeating the room. Not wanting anyone to interrupt, Ron cast a silencing spell and scooted closer to Harry, but making sure to still stay his distance.
"Harry your right. You didn't do anything. They're bloody pricks, but you can't let them do this to you. You're letting them win. You can't keep going like this. It'll just keep building and getting worse the longer you put off dealing with it." He was trying to be comforting, but he didn't even think Harry could hear him. He seemed so lost in his own mind to even notice his best friend sitting in front of him now. As much as he was fighting for control, he couldn't seem to catch his breath. Flashes of that night were rushing through his mind. Them banishing his clothes, staring him over, laughing at him. Hands running roughly over him as he shut his eyes tightly against his attackers. The taste of them in his mouth was still fresh and it almost made him gag in remembrance. He could hear them laughing, and it was so loud in his ears, that he couldn't remember where he really was. It was as if he was back in the dead end hallway being pinned down again. He vaguely remembered Ron being with him moments before, but he couldn't find him past the flashback his mind was conjuring.
Ron stopped talking. Harry couldn't seem to get himself to calm down. His breathing was becoming more erratic and sobs were coming one after the other endlessly. His eyes were so tightly scrunched yet tears were forcing their way out. His shaking hands had moved to his ears and he seemed to be trying to block something out. Ron was becoming more and more scared watching the fit progress.
"Harry? Can you hear me? C'mon you need to try and calm down a bit okay? It's okay it's just me. They aren't here. It's just me! It's Ron!" for some reason his name seemed to bring Harry back down to reality. He let out a shuddering gasp and his hand shot out in search of Ron's. he didn't hesitate to take it and squeezed it with all his might.
"That's right. It's just me. It's okay." He didn't try to make any sudden movements or to gather him in his arms as he wanted to. He was afraid anything he did might send Harry back to where ever he had just returned from. He just sat there squeezing the life out of his hand. He could hear Harry muttering something anf he leaned his head forward to hear,
"I didn't do anything. I didn't…..do anything!" Ron reached around and cautiously put a hand on Harry's quaking shoulders.
"It's gonna be alright. I promise." He whispered. At last the tirade seemed to be ending. Whether it was from his words, or exhaustion, he didn't know. Maybe it was both, but it didn't matter as Harry finally looked up with a red, tear-stained face and said straight to Ron,
"I didn't do anything." His voice was a whisper now.
"I know." Ron looked at him sadly as he nodded his head solemnly and started wiping his face on his sleeve.
"M'sorry. Didn't mean to get like that." Ron almost smacked him upside the head for apologizing, but he didn't think the contact would be very helpful to the current situation.
"Don't be. I think you needed that more than you know….You okay?" Harry looked up at him in confusion. He looked so vulnerable with that look on his face with red eyes and a damp face.
"Sorry stupid question. Of course you're not okay." Harry looked back down at the fire again looking as if he was in deep thought. Just when Ron thought he had botched things up again, Harry spoke up again.
"I'm not….but I think I will be….eventually."Ron kept silent, waiting to see if he would talk again. Sure enough he did.
"What happens from here?" Ron wasn't sure if it was a rhetorical question or not, but decided to answer anyways.
"You keep moving on. It'll be hard, but I'll be here through it. So will Hermione." A long silence followed. It was comfortable just sitting next to each other for now in silence. After one more particularly loud sniff and wipe across his eyes, Harry started working on getting up. Fatigue must have set in by now though because when fell back over halfway up, his legs not able to hold himself up for very long. Ron rushed to get up and held out his hand. Harry took it looking grateful and then leaned into Ron as he supported him up the stairs.
"Thanks Ron." Harry said quietly as he climbed back into his bed and under the covers. When Ron was sure Harry was comfortable, he said back,
"Anytime mate. Good night." Harry was already asleep by the time Ron made it back to his bed. He climbed under the covers and looked over one last time. Harry looked more peaceful than he had all year. As Ron drifted off to sleep a small smile graced over his face.