Fuel to the Flame
Axel remembered Roxas being rather a captivating little creature the first time he laid eyes on the tiny blond. The way he had looked so confused, so lost and so out of it and at the same time so uncaring was rather endearing, and Axel didn't even remember when was the last time he had considered something endearing and not regarded it with irrational contempt.
He did regard Roxas with irrational contempt, though, but it was mostly because he didn't know any other way. He had forgotten a long time ago. He even tried to be nice or at least civil to Roxas, but he failed miserably whenever he tried, ending up saying something horrible and seeing - for the billionth time - Roxas narrow his eyes at him, puckering his lips into a solemn thin line and looking like he didn't know whether to get angry or upset. More often than not he returned Axel with equal contempt.
"Confounded" was the word.
Confounded was what Axel was.
When he looked at Roxas he wished there was something to be felt; something other than strange curiosity. It made no sense.
He might've not felt anything (from time to time he could've sworn he was conveying some genuine emotion, but the Superior said that they didn't feel, were entirely incapable to do so and everything they thought that they might've felt was in fact subliminal self-deception), but it didn't stop him from getting ideas. It didn't stop him from wanting and most of all it didn't stop him from pretending that there was something in his chest instead of an empty space (subliminal self-deception aside: Axel was perfectly aware of his own self-deception).
Because sometimes Axel wanted to feel. He had grown accustomed to not feeling a thing; after the initial shock of the vast feeling of inadequateness and the painful emptiness in his chest had subsided, he had grown to like it and to use it for his advantage. He didn't care so nothing really mattered anymore and he found it so easy to manipulate others, to make them go the way he wanted them to go and to watch from the sidelines as others did his bidding while being deliciously oblivious of the fact.
It was first class entertainment.
Axel liked entertainment.
Sometimes he looked at himself and wanted to feel sick to his stomach; wanted some form of slumbering humanity to awaken inside him and make him realise what kind of a terrible person he was.
But Axel felt nothing and he deemed tricking himself was just waste of time. If he were to trick himself into feeling something, he would at least use the effort for something more fun than feeling aghast.
So he enjoyed his manipulations, watching his own human – no, Nobody – ant farm and chuckling to himself, regarding himself as quite a devious bastard.
Then along came Roxas and suddenly everything felt like nothing again.
"You're so sick", was what Roxas said, his upper lip curling up in disgust.
What did Roxas know about being a Nobody? He was lucky: he didn't know what he was missing. Heart or no heart, Roxas didn't know the difference and Axel thought it was perfect. Roxas was perfect.
"Jealous" was the word.
Roxas made Axel realise that he had second thoughts about many things. Roxas made Axel think about everything that he had lost and while Axel had completely forgotten about his Somebody as a result of being so distracted by his own forms of entertainment, he was now painfully reminded that there was half of him missing and that he really, really, really wanted to feel again.
Roxas was so lucky it was just plain disgusting.
Roxas was perfect.
Axel found it revolting how much he wanted to feel again.
So Axel walked up to Roxas and grabbed his arm so hard Roxas cringed and laid one of his not-quite-angry, not-quite-upset looks at him. Axel had a thousand things to say to Roxas, all of them of the usual horrible variety, but in the end he didn't say any of them out loud. In the end he didn't say anything at all out loud. Instead he found himself pinning Roxas against the wall and kissing him forcibly on the lips, suddenly desperate beyond measure.
"Make me feel, goddamn it", he hissed between his teeth, his hand behind Roxas' neck to prevent him from escaping from his unfounded assault. Roxas had the time to retort something utterly insignificant before Axel kissed him again, hungry and ferocious.
Axel didn't remember much of what happened next. He remembered that his tongue had been bleeding. He remembered that Roxas had been hot and tight and all things that made him feel faint at head when he tried to recall them. He also remembered that Roxas had been unwilling and that Roxas had cried and called him names, none of which were very nice.
He didn't have to remember the bleeding scratches on his shoulder blades and upper arms. He felt them and he saw them from the mirror and the sight made him cringe.
He didn't remember if he had felt anything and for some reason, it definitely made him feel somehow terrible.
Axel didn't remember when was the last time he had apologised to someone, so it might've as well been his first. According to the way it went, it probably was.
Roxas had thrown a vase at him.
For later reference: apologies should begin with an "I'm sorry".
"I never want to see you again", Roxas said. Now he was definitely upset, although the volume of his voice might've fooled a less aware person into thinking that he was angry. He was shouting from the top of his lungs, but he sounded resigned and jaded and several other things that made Axel even more confused and angry at himself for getting confused.
So Axel left, maybe it was the least he could do.
He hoped he could just manipulate Roxas like he manipulated everyone else, but found himself unable to do so. The sheer thought of making Roxas do something against his will made Axel feel somehow guilty and ashamed. He realised he had done it already, even though no form of manipulation had taken place. It would've probably been better if there had been manipulation involved.
Never again, Axel thought, admitting to himself that he had done wrong and swearing he would never ever admit it to anyone else. Remorse seriously cramped his style. He planned going back to manipulating other Nobodies; at least they didn't make him feel insecure and vulnerable. They didn't make him want to feel with such an ardent desire.
He was seriously lost with Roxas.
If there was a way to make amends, he would've done it, but nothing came to his mind and he figured all he could do was to stay away from Roxas to at least prevent further catastrophes from happening.
It would've worked just fine if Roxas would've stayed away from Axel, because only a few days later Roxas had sneaked up to him in the hallway and scared the living daylights out of him by making his presence known with an idiotic question.
"Why do you want to feel so badly?"
Axel countered with a rather good point (after evening out his breath). "I thought you never wanted to see me again."
He was surprised and for a damn good reason. He couldn't believe Roxas would've just "gotten over it" or something similar. There was something going on and it made Axel feel like he wasn't on top of things anymore. It made him annoyed.
Roxas made him annoyed.
Suddenly he didn't want to apologise to the boy anymore, even if the thought of getting the belated "I'm sorry" out of his system had been haunting his mind for the last few days.
His surprise turned into aggravation.
Roxas saw it and he assumed a defensive stance, taking a hesitant step back. His self-confidence, though, didn't falter and he kept his stare unrelenting and hungry for answers.
"I got curious", he replied slowly after a while.
"Curiosity killed the cat."
"You won't kill me." He sounded smug, as if he knew better than Axel and it only imbued Axel's awakening rage, like adding fuel to the flame. He wanted to smash Roxas' tiny head into a wall and hurt him – hurt him for real this time. Hurt him until he was no more, until he stopped annoying Axel with his sheer existence and then Axel would stop feeling -
"I already came really close, didn't I?" he said.
Within a second Axel went from hardly contained rage to overwhelming repentance and the sudden switch made his head throb and the empty space in his chest ache. The pain of realisation was new and in a way exciting and he wanted to bite his tongue, because now he felt again and Roxas was fuel to his flame.
Roxas' eyes had hardened, his mouth a familiar thin line and he was staring at Axel, making it obvious that Axel had just fucked up really bad. He didn't say anything (he didn't need to, his expression told his exact feelings a thousand times over), just turned on his heels and started down the hallway.
"I'm sorry", Axel shouted after Roxas in a desperate attempt to call the boy back.
The hallway was silent and empty and Axel stood there everything but unfeeling and nothing but miserable.
"Why do you come back?" he asked, unwillingly defenceless, as Roxas slipped lithely across the gallery to come stand right next to him. The boy leaned onto the balustrade and gazed into the distance, ignoring Axel completely. The City That Never Was spread beneath them, all dark and quiet and deliciously depressing.
They stood in perfect silence.
Axel was the one to break the silence, sighing resignedly, his words flowing almost gently and his true sentiment left unclear. "I hate you."
Roxas sniggered, sounding delighted; so inappropriate but somehow fitting. "Why?" he dared to ask.
Roxas. Always with his stupid questions.
"Because you make me feel like I'm feeling something", Axel replied and his lips cracked into a wide grin so typical for his unruly character.
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"Only when I want to smash your stupid head into a wall."
"Do you?"
"Not now."
He glanced sideways at Roxas, shuddered at the inviting sincerity in the boy's eyes and decided that he was beyond salvation. He wanted to feel, felt things he didn't know names for and Roxas was captivating, endearing, fascinating; fuel to his flame; a flame that he didn't want to go out. He wanted to search and get completely lost.
He hooked his fingers under Roxas' chin, lifting the boy's head, wanting to hide himself before Roxas and his piercing gaze would pry him open indefinitely.
He kissed Roxas, just as hungry and desperate as the last time, but Roxas made the difference by returning the kiss and this time dictating the entire act.
Roxas' arms wound around his waist, pulling him closer. He bit Axel's tongue, again, and Axel whinged at the distant memory, feeling strangely aroused beneath the reigning embarrassment. Roxas drew slightly away, running his tongue along Axel's upper lip, his mouth curling into a wry smirk.
"This time, I'll hurt you."
Axel gave up his upper hand and allowed his flame to burn.
- FIN -