The Implausible Likeness of Being
By Kriftonucci
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Mordecai the bird was walking his way into the park. He was happy as could possibly be now that he'd scored two tickets to see front seat monster truck wrestling, the next generation of hardcore entertainment.
Some could argue this was better than getting laid but nothing could be proven yet. He saw in between two trees was his buddy, Rigby, standing like a statue.
It was strange but he didn't care, the excitement was yet to be shared.
"Hey, Dude, I just got these wicked tickets to a wrestling match, whaddaya say?" said Mordecai. Rigby didn't seem to budge.
"I'm a freak" he said, staring into an airy abyss that was his mind. He was not well and Mordecai denied it.
"Come again?" asked Mordecai, in which Rigby turns hid head to face the bird.
"I said I'M A FREAK!" he yelled, loud enough to make anyone from a twenty meter radius notice.
"What kind of crooked beast shifts his bloody eyeballs without moving while the rest of his head stares up? Huh? A FREAK, THAT'S WHO!"
Mordecai was confused as to why Rigby was acting this way; it just didn't make sense within normal standards.
"Dude, are you okay?" asked Mordecai. To his mild horror, Rigby began to tremble a little and release bubbles from his mouth.
"LIKE BOLLOCKS I'M OKAY! I'M A FREAK YOU WANKER!" He yelled, almost starting to growl by that point. This startled Mordecai, as he was unfamiliar with anything meant to cause Rigby go berserk.
"OOOOOooookay, I'm just gonna step away from you now" said Mordecai, conserving his cordiality before sprinting away from the raccoon as possible.
He made it to the house and opened the door to spot the first person, Benson, sitting in the kitchen. His back was turned from the direction Mordecai entered.
Hopefully he had the answers.
"Benson, did you notice something weird with Rigby today? He's acting more awkward than usual" said Mordecai, but Benson didn't reply. Mordecai tried to look at his face
"Benson?"
"SHUT UP! Why didn't you tell me this before?" Benson bellowed, making Mordecai lose his balance. Benson was just as furious as Rigby, though maybe twice as crazy.
Mordecai was now shivering, sitting on the ground; this could possibly be a pandemic.
"What?" he asked, hoping there would still be an explanation.
"I'M A FREAKING GUMBALL MACHINE, DAMMIT!" he yelled stretching his neck down to Mordecai's level.
"HAS THE PLANET LOST ITS MIND?"
"Dude, what's going on?" said Mordecai "Is everyone on something…or something?"
Benson turned with wide eyes at the Blue jay, making him freeze with his cold stare.
"OR SOMETHING?" he asked, perhaps insinuating he might murder him for it.
"Here's something for you, Mocking jay! When you're angry, your voice elevates up a decibel and nothing more. Sounds pretty comfortable and stable for birds since it doesn't look bad on them!"
Mordecai couldn't reply even if he knew what he wanted to say.
"Uh"
"And what do WE gumballs get? Heh, well I'd expect the same treatment, aka the ONLY treatment…" said Benson. Now he was just confusing Mordecai, it's not like he had the upper hand in sanity at the moment.
Mordecai got up from the ground as he tried talking to him.
"Look, Benson, if this has to do with that soda pop ordeal, I can assure you-"
"BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO! WE GET TO HAVE OUR SKIN TURN RED LIKE WE'RE FUCKING BLUSHING INSTEAD OF PORTRAYING THE BLOOD FLOWING OUT OF OUT DAMN SYSTEM READY TO MINGLE WITH THE POOR ILLITERATE TWATS CALLING US BY THE COVER! OOOOOOhhhhh the brutality!" yelled Benson.
Benson had turned his back on Mordecai in the midst of that tirade, giving the bird a good chance at a clean getaway.
Mordecai didn't go that far, instead arriving at the iconic spot of a living room, where he thought he saw Skips sitting on the stair.
"Skips, you got to help me, Benson and Rigby are turning into neurotic zombies and I-" said Mordecai, until he noticed the crutches attached to Skips' legs.
"Oh no, not you too!"
Skips bent his knees as he tried breaking the metallic apparatus in. It seemed to work; now he was prepared to attach the other one.
"Yup, this oughta cure my baffling prances once and for alls" said the albino ape.
"By the ways, you happens to know a doc that cans cure Bostonian accents?"
All Skips saw afterwards was the door slam itself shut. Mordecai ran off in high hopes he would find the usual food stand Rigby and he operated.
There was a familiar face when he saw it from a few meters short of a panoramic view.
"Muscle Man! I…" said Mordecai excitedly, until he got close to the really bulky stranger cosplaying as Mitch Sorenstein.
"Wait a minute, you're not Muscle Man!"
"Eh, nope, kid, I reckon I'm not" said the strong guy in a western cowboy accent.
"But since you're original friend had the itch he was getting a bit too pudgy to fit into his name, he gave me the old title as a recreational souvenir while he went on to study method acting"
Mordecai was about to feel shocked that he wasn't the real Muscle Man. However, this stranger didn't seem to mean any harm whatsoever.
"Method acting?" Mordecai asked, making the lookalike reply.
"Yup, and in case you're wondering what that means, I'll tell you" said the stranger as he sat down next to him.
"You see, method acting is less than it sounds like and more of a trance that professional actors go into in order to slip more adequately into their roles. Take for example the state a mother Sea turtle gets into as it's laying its eggs along a burrow within the beach. While in that state, the mother's mind is nearly unconscious, kind of like a battery's bar, only once it reaches its limit, the bar will go back down again, by the time all it's young will be completely underneath that hole it tidied up"
Mordecai couldn't help but feel fascinated by all of this. Getting schooled took on a whole new meaning as the exact opposite of what it was usually destined towards. If only he was so lucky to be more than the only being who knew this other than the one telling him at the moment.
"That sounds bizarre" said Mordecai.
"It makes more sense when you try it. Then again, since actors don't have the anatomical psychology of a turtle, which is a real shame if I might add, all they're left with is sinking deeper into their roles until they successfully create their own illusion bestowed upon them by the script and their given characters. The more they dive into their world, the better they are in their profession so as to speak for their respective roles. It's a tedious process, one that in spite of garnering an award, not even the great Christian Bale could handle at one point." said the doppelganger Muscle Man.
"Oh yeah, I've heard of that" said Mordecai, recalling that Shane fiasco from the Terminator set.
"Somewhat, I see him as typecasting in all his films"
"Even the most predictable stars can gain praise and recognition for their work, no matter how easy it is for them to pick up on a character that was practically made for them than anyone else in the workshop. Take Henry Fonda or Robin Williams for example. Their acting range was so well recognized over time, they were eventually cast against their accustomed personas to unexpected success" said Muscle Man.
Mordecai knew he was right. Never had his mind been blown away than the time he saw that film.
"Yeah, I could never imagine Robin Williams as the bloke who wowed audiences with his dark side along with Al Paccino in Insomnia" said Mordecai, with a slight chuckle.
"You know who else couldn't imagine?" Muscle Man asked, almost jokingly.
"Oh no wait! I know this one! Let me guess…YOU'RE MOM!" said Mordecai, waiting for a laugh.
Muscle Man didn't budge.
"What?" he asked.
"Oh! Oh sorry, it's just that the Old Muscle man used to say that a lot" replied Mordecai, getting an embarrassing feeling deep within his spine.
"Oh" said Muscle Man. "Well that was random"
"By the way, where's High Five Ghost?" asked Mordecai, recalling well what he came there for.
"Ah yes, I suspected you'd be looking for him, though it surprised me why he's considered such an obligatory pair with my original counterpart" said Muscle Man, before pointing at the direction.
"There he is"
Mordecai looked and saw a nearly transparent man with a tiny mustache, a swirl for a haircut and dressed in business attire.
He certainly had his hand raised as if waiting to receive a High Five.
"Hage ln Sie mich! Weil ich ehrfürchtig bin, stellen sie dildos in der Form meines Gesichtes, Sie beugen unten her, also kann ich ein in Ihr Federrektum einsetzen!" yelled the Phantom.
Mordecai's eyes enlarged with great appall as he saw past its see-through exterior.
"DUDE! That's not High Five, THAT'S THE GHOST OF HITLER!" yelled Mordecai.
And the out of the blue moments weren't done yet. Another familiar voice came behind Mordecai.
"I know, isn't that a pitiful shame?" said the optional English accent. Mordecai turned around to great relief.
"POPS!" said Mordecai, who would hug him if the situation wasn't already awkward enough. It was on its way, Mordecai could almost assure himself.
"You can't even imagine how glad I am to see you're still the same"
"Oh, don't try to get so spastic, dear, this is all in your head" said Pops
"That's right, scariness ensues"
Mordecai took what Pops just told him carefully. This didn't feel like a dream as most of them were relatively easy to wake up from.
Yet he believed him given the surreal situations.
"Meh, I wouldn't call it a nightmare" said Mordecai, before he spotted Margaret and a female mole approaching his way.
"Hey Mordecai, me and Eileen are going to cover ourselves in chocolate in the nude, want to join in and have a threesome?" she asked.
Mordecai was going to say something, when a sinkhole pops inconveniently onto his location and swallows him whole.
He didn't even have time to scream.
"AAAAH!" yelled Mordecai, who was lying in his bed now "OH, it was just a dream"
Mordecai smiled with relief, for a moment. Then his smile flipped to a gaze of infinite dismay.
Wait a minute
Mordecai took out a mirror from his shelf and looked at himself. He looked the same.
"AAAAAAAH! A TALKING BLUEJAY!" he yelled.
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Okay, Dudes! So as far as I know, this will be my last actual story here as I have most likely given up on writing fanfiction. I tried reviving it, only to failing results, let alone that my computer has garnered a virus and has little left to live. So I hope for you the best and goodbye!