Title:A Tale by the Sisters Hameron Book 1
Chapter:1 of 18
Co-Authors:jellybean30 and daisyb10
Rating:T
Warnings:Suitable for Teens. 13 years +
Pairings:House/Cameron, Wilson/Cuddy
Summary:A Housian adaptation of Shrek.
Disclaimer:We do not own House, M.D., Shrek, or any of their characters, nor do we profit from this story.
A/N: (JB) Many months ago, a crazy friend of ours from the Fox Forum suggested a House/Shrek cross over story. Once we really thought about it, we realized what a perfect fit this story is for House & Cameron. And so we twisted it a little, and then a little more and then a little more after that to try and keep the House gang in character but still follow the basic Shrek story line. At any point during the story if you can't follow what's going on, ask! I promise to answer all your questions! (JellyBean30)
A Tale by the Sisters Hameron
Once upon a time, in the ancient Kingdom of Gotham, New York, there dwelt a beautiful princess with long golden hair.
Our princess, a doctor, was an immunologist of note, but she bore a curse of the most fearsome kind.
She was zealously guarded in her penthouse lab, by a man-eating creature,
The Evil Dragon Queen Ruler of Dewey Screwem Pharmaceuticals.
Many a great healer strove and failed to rescue our princess from her piteous fate.
And so she remained to follow her quest, a search for a cure for the scourge of our time.
Lupus, the slyest affliction known to mankind.
Her wretched enchantment, this hideous spell, could only be shattered by one noble man.
The moment they kissed, she would finally be free, and the selfhood of her true love would at last be revealed.
The years passed, she awaited and prayed for the arrival of her knight who never came.
But then one day …
oOoOo
Chapter 1: Once Upon A Time
"Who writes this crap? … Lupus?... Don't they know it's never Lupus?"
"WWWHHHOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHHH GLUG GLUG GLUG GURGLE GURGLE"
"Lupus? … This story sucks!"
House's rant was only slightly masked by the sound of his flushing toilet.
"But the pictures are really cool … especially that one of the tower where they've locked up the beautiful blonde princess."
He slammed the book shut and cast it aside on his way to the sink, never giving it a second thought as he started his day.
The fairy tale floated gently through the air.
Stardust streamed as its wake, until it came to rest in a hamper filled with monster truck magazines and medical journals.
And there it remained, this magical book, glowing softly in the dawn's early light as it patiently awaited its master's return.
oOoOo
"James? James? Is that you?"
Wilson stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of the voice from his past.
"Douglas? Douglas Howe? I can't believe it!" The grey that peppered Howe's sandy brown hair only enhanced his rugged good looks.
The two friends embraced warmly. "Let me look at you Jimmy. Did you discover the fountain of youth? You haven't aged a day since we graduated from med school."
Wilson laughed. "Where's the time gone? I heard that you gave up your practice and went to work for a drug company."
"Yep, but not just any drug company. I'm the VP of Sales for Dewey Screwem Pharmaceuticals," Howe said with pride.
Wilson's eyebrows shot up. "Dewey Screwem? I'm impressed."
"Thanks. How about you, Jimmy? What are you up to these days?"
"Me? I'm the Head of Oncology here at PPTH."
"Congratulations. And how's House? I was sorry to hear about his infarction. Do you ever hear from him?"
The thought of House brought a smile to Howe's face.
"All the time. He lives in Princeton. He used to be the head of Diagnostic Medicine here, but he's gone back into research."
"Infectious disease?" questioned Howe.
"Yes and no. House's research centres on vector-borne infectious diseases that are caused by protozoan parasites. His ultimate goal is to create a malaria vaccine, but while he was studying Plasmodium parasites, specifically Plasmodium falciparum and Plasmodium vivax, he stumbled on a potential cure for Lupus."
"Well, malaria meds have certainly been used to treat Lupus for some time. That would be a phenomenal breakthrough. It's funny you should mention Lupus … NSAIDs are our biggest seller."
"Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs? I believe it. Hey, we've got a lot of catching up to do. Why don't we talk in comfort? The sunroom has great chairs!"
oOoOo
House stumbled sleepily into his bedroom, dry-swallowed two Vicodin from the pill bottle on his night table and dressed for work as he did every day … in blue jeans, a vintage rock tee shirt, a button-down oxford and the trendiest Nikes to hit the market.
He headed for the kitchen, stopping only to lift his cane off the door frame where it hung while he slept.
"Would you care for your morning coffee, Dr. House?"
House chuckled at the cultured British accent he used every day for his role as the coffee pot's ventriloquist. God, I crack myself up …
"Don't mind if I do, Mr. Coffee …"
"Very good, sir."
House poured the steaming java into his favourite red mug and searched his barren cupboards for something to eat.
Nothing there …I guess I'll have to buy some groceries today.
He opened the fridge and grabbed the only two items it contained – a carton of cream and a pizza box.
Well, it's a good thing I can drink my coffee black, he thought, casting the empty container aside.
House nuked the lone piece of leftover pizza in the microwave and eyed the pile of unopened mail that sat on his kitchen table.
"Junk, junk, bill, junk, bill, bill, bill … ", he muttered as he sorted, "… speaking of bills, I'd better finish my report for Vogler so he knows what he's paying for."
As he swallowed the last bite of his pizza, the doorbell rang.
Aw, give me a break … go away … I wish people would just leave me alone …
House was never in a good mood at the best of times and the thought of having to spend his day shopping and doing paperwork, when he wanted to be in the lab, did nothing to lift his spirits.
And now a visitor?
It was the last straw, as far as House was concerned. He stomped to the elevator, rode down to the first floor and unlocked his front door to find a balding, middle-aged man on his doorstep.
"Dr. House? I'm Rodney."
House looked at Rodney with a blank expression on his face.
"And that should interest me because?" he snarled.
"Don't you remember me? I'm Rodney … from Securatron. I have my crew with me. We're here to install your signage, upgrade your security system and paint your parking lot."
House's scowl morphed into a smile.
This day might not be so bad, after all…
oOoOo
"Yep, those NSAIDs bought me a nice house, a Mercedes and more goodies than I care to brag about. I'm on the fast track for a partnership too!" Doogie reached into his pocket and pulled out a Tiffany business card case.
"Just think, one day the name on this card will read,
Dewey Screwem & Howe Pharmaceuticals … it has a nice ring, don't you think?"
Dewey Screwem & Howe? I won't hurt his feelings …
"It does at that," fibbed Wilson.
"Here, take my card and here's an extra one for Greg. You can give it to him the next time you see him. Maybe we could all get together sometime soon?"
"I'd like that, Doogie … so would House.
So you never did say, what brings you to PPTH?"
"I have a meeting with your hospital administrator, Lord Vogler."
His reply surprised Wilson. "Really? How do you know him?"
"Oh he owns the …"
Suddenly a large, ominous shadow stretched across the room.
"HOWE!" bellowed Vogler.
"Lord Vogler …" Howe cowered as he rose, afraid to look Vogler in the eyes.
"Dr. Howe, Dr. Wilson. I take it you two know each other?" he said, his booming voice echoing through the deserted room.
"Yes sir. We went to med school together, along with Dr. House. I was just about to tell Dr. Wilson that you own the house next to my parents' summer home in the Hamptons."
Wilson studied Vogler and Howe intently.
"Yes, that's right. That's where we first met. How are Angela and David?"
"Good sir."
Howe breathed a sigh of relief. He'd recovered well.
Or so he thought...
"Well, why don't you fill me in on what your folks have been up to? We can talk in my office."
"Certainly sir."
Howe shook Wilson's hand. "James, it was great seeing you again. Say hello to House for me."
"I will. Bye Doug."
Angela and David aren't Doug's parents' names … what's going on?
Howe followed Vogler into his office and shut the door.
"Sit down, Howe," ordered Vogler.
"Just what did you tell Dr. Wilson about my company?"
"Dewey Screwem? Oh nothing sir, I didn't let on that you own it, if that's what you're worried about," Howe said casually.
Vogler slapped his large hand on his desk and glared at Howe.
"If I hadn't stopped you, you would have sung like a canary."
"Oh n-n-no sir. Jimmy and I were j-j-just talking shop – mostly about Lupus actually. He told me about House's malaria research, how it led to his breakthrough and all, and I bragged about how well our NSAIDs were doing."
"Oh, is that all … I misunderstood Howe," Vogler said sweetly.
His angelic face contorted with rage.
His eyes bulged, his nostrils flared as he loomed over Howe's quivering form.
Vogler folded his lumbering body and bent next to Howe's ear.
"If you ever… I repeat, ever …breathe one word of my association with Dewey Screwem Pharmaceuticals to another living soul, I'll hunt you down, grind you into little tiny pieces and feed you like kibble to House's laboratory rats!"
"Do I make myself clear, Dr. Howe?"
"Y-Y-Yes s-s-sir."
"Good. You may go. Oh, and Howe?"
"YOU'RE FIRED!!"
Howe ran from the room and Vogler picked up his phone.
"Marjorie? Get me Warner …
I don't care if she's taking a deposition in Gotham City …
I want her here, in my office, by the time I get back from lunch!!"
Vogler leaned back in his chair and stroked his chin as he pondered his next move.
What should I do?
Wilson's no fool … he'll put two and two together in no time at all.
He's got to go. But how can I force him to resign?
Just then, Vogler caught sight of a buxom blonde nurse leaving the out-patients clinic.
A psychotic leer spread across his face as he watched Cindy Palmer walk towards the elevators.
God, how I'd love to pet those puppies … What man wouldn't …?
What man indeed …
...Daisyb10