a/n: This is actually somewhat historically accurate, at least some of the Napoleon stuff. He found mummies, had a wife named Josephine, wrote a will, and died. The mysterious body is Jack for those who can't guess.
Once upon a time there was a short man named Napoleon. He had a Chihuahua. The Chihuahua liked to drink chocolate milk with breakfast. One day, they ran out of chocolate milk, so the Chihuahua went on a murderous rampage. He killed every single cow in the world except for one lone chocolate milk cow, which he tried to clone. He failed, killed the cow, and continued on his killing spree. Napoleon caught him before he killed everyone, and the Chihuahua tried to eat his nose. He locked the Chihuahua in the dungeons so it could no longer kill. While he was in the dungeons, an angel statue blinked once and scratched its nose. The statue clasped something tightly in its stone hand. Something important it had been instructed to guard. From the shadows, another statue emerged. It seemed small and weak, but that was only until it shattered the other statue without a thought. Napoleon's half-finished will fell to the floor. Napoleon's wife, Josephine, stepped out of the shadows and patted the angel affectionately on its head. Her pet had done its job. But it wasn't done yet. Pushing Josephine aside, the tiny angel touched the tiny man and sent him back.
He found himself wandering a desert, and the first person he met introduced himself as Jesus. Napoleon knew a bit about Jesus, and he didn't like him. Jesus was too kind, too pure, too happy. That was going to have to change. He said with a smile, "Hello, Jesus. Come on then, we're going to find ourselves some mummies. I've heard they're plentiful in these parts."
Jesus followed wordlessly, deciding he rather liked this Napoleon fellow. They found a good-looking spot by a hill and started to dig. After a few hours, they had dug a reasonably-sized hole, and Napoleon felt something soft and fleshy beneath the earth. He pulled it out and leapt back in disgust when he saw what it was. A hand. After he overcame his shock, he went back to work. After all, this was what he came there for. He pulled on the hand and found it was still attached to a body. After half an hour, they had uncovered the entire lower half of the body. Napoleon frowned, wondering why it wasn't decaying.
Suddenly, it moved. Both of the hands shot up to Napoleon's throat. They squeezed and twisted, killing Napoleon. Jesus was afraid, so he stabbed where the mysterious body's heart would be, reburied the body, and ran back to Nazareth.