The Epic Tale of Lavi

Chapter 1: Intro to an Alternate World

~FallingBreathless~

This is supposed to be a CRACKFIC...BUT IT'S TURNING INTO SERIOUS-CRACK. This means that there is plot, and there are intense scenes.

Other than that, Lavi is the main character, and he is the "normal" one of the bunch. The characters are mostly left in tact, but I messed with some of them more than others. AU. The first story I'm writing in which romance will not be playing a role. Sorry, if you were looking for a lemon. BUT THERE's ACTION AND RIDICULOUSNESS AND WITTY(?) BANTER! AND SEXINESS...and UNEXPECTEDNESS!

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Night had fallen upon the city of Fort Frankenwieners once again. It was a large metropolis built on the intersection of three rivers that fed the economy and greatly boosted trade. A web work of bridges crisscrossed the strips of blue that were now black, refusing to reflect the waxing gibbous moon that shone from above. The flower-shaped purple stars pulsed dully, and over all the temperature was balmy, letting the smell of exhaust and the hot dogs from the corner street vendor to permeate into the air.

There was a sniff and then a deep inhalation. High above the ground, perched upon a hotel's water supply, Lavi Bookman relished in the sense of being alive. He shifted and his converse sneakers squeaked loudly against the angled metal sheeting that the roof was comprised of; he curse –not wanting to be heard or worse, seen. Standing up he wobbled precariously as the large prop hammer that he'd borrowed from circus fell from his belt loop and skidded down, falling into the alley below. It landed with a harsh clang on what Lavi judged to be a dumpster, upsetting a few local felines in the process. Well, there went his cover.

Swinging his arms out and about, he regained his balance enough to jump onto the solid concrete roof. He readjusted the pink headband he'd borrowed from his friend, moving the strands of his fire red hair out of the eye that wasn't covered with an eye patch. Jogging to the corner of the building, he crouched and got a firm grip on the pipe and slid down into the darkness.

Feet landing into dirty ditch water, Lavi grinned as he spotted the hammer. It was rather large and bulky, but it was at least lighter than it looked.

"Now, how many screw ups does this one make," came familiar voice as Lavi grabbed his lost object. Glancing around, with a start, Lavi found the speaker leaning against a wall in the shadow: Kanda.

"Jesus, you scared me there for a second."

"Che" the other replied, pushing off of the wall and leaving the shadows to walk closer.

Once again Lavi wondered how the heck the Asian guy could manage to hide in the shadows with his outrageously bright, teal blue hair. It was put up into a high ponytail and moved back and forth like a pendulum as the other walked. "Anyways, did you manage to get what I wanted?" Kanda asked, cutting straight to the chase.

Lavi nodded, and proceeded to reach into the messenger bag he was carrying, only to be stopped by a glare from the other. "Not here. Back at headquarters."

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"Welcome back!" A petite Chinese girl dressed in a tracksuit shouted as the two boys walked into room.

It was a small apartment building on the crappier side of town, but it did have three bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom. Lavi had also hotwired them Internet and TV –the phone they never used. The furniture was worn and beaten down, mismatched…not that they cared very much.

"Thanks," Lavi called back as he dropped his bag onto the kitchen table. A few papers fell from the table and the girl groaned, causing Lavi to apologize.

"It's fine," the girl replied, coming over to reorganize her files. "Just don't make a habit out of it."

Nearby, Kanda, who had settled himself onto the couch, pointedly grunted. Lavi just rolled his eyes.

"Yes, yes your highness, I'll bring it to you immediately," saying so, Lavi dug around in his bag before he found what he was looking for. He chucked it at the back of the other's head.

Unerringly, Kanda's hand whipped around and caught the package, bringing the corner to his mouth to tear open. Lavi scoffed. "Kanda, you're such a freak when it comes to ramen."

The other just shot him an especially dirty look before ripping up the rest of the packaging and chomping on the dry noodles. They crunched loudly.

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Once again, how the three of them ended up as roommates was beyond comprehension to Lavi. He was a Hollywood hopeful working at a circus, Kanda was an ex-gangster who'd saw the light of honor and Japanese culture worship, and the girl, Lenalee, was well…

He glanced over, watching as Lenalee sat at the table, plugged in her glass ball, and practiced trying to read the synthetic smoke swirls that shifted amorphously inside the sphere. From what he'd seen of the last three months the girl also read cards, palms, and tea leaves, made curse dolls, and made potions that always exploded into noxious fumes or enough sparkles to make a high school show choir team jealous.

"What's the fortune for the day?" Lavi asked, he'd started the habit of humoring her from time to time.

Lenalee squinted at the glass ball quite perplexedly as if she were taking an incredibly hard math test, muttering something that sounded like "Curse to unicorns and may your dick turn green and fall off" before replying in her fortuneteller/mystic voice that also sounded like she was high on something. (Lavi agreed with himself that he was imagining things, cause there was no way she actually said that…right? Enough of the communal drugs at the circus for him…)

"Much will change in the following week as you will meet a person who will change all our lives irrevocably."

From the couch Kanda scoffed as he licked the ramen flavoring from his fingers before licking the inside of the packaging.

"Our lives? Ha. I doubt it."

Fulfilling his word quota for today, Kanda dragged himself off the couch and walked down the hallway. The sound of a door slamming shut followed in a moment by the girly opening theme song for the anime "Lucky Star" signaled to the other two that they wouldn't be seeing much of the other for the next 6-8 hours –that is, if the other didn't decide to also sneak in some practice tossing plastic Naruto shuriken.

Lavi was still a bit puzzled by Lenalee's divination, as it actually sounded reasonable for once; the last ones had involved dragons, space travel, and love affairs with dead celebrities. He was probably thinking too much about it.

Yawning, he waved at Lenalee and went to his own room to practice reading some scripts. You never knew when Hollywood would come knocking.

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Lenalee (angry): So you've turned me into a crazy, fortune-teller lady in a tracksuit...great. Now all I need are a few cats and then I can bona fide loony.

FallingB(grinning): Pretty much. And we can remedy the last one.

Lavi (cracking up): Oh please, do it! Haha.

Lenalee: *death glare* ...

Kanda (irritated): Leave, idiots. I want no part in this. *walks away*

FallingB (sobers up): ...Anyways, please let me know what you guys think about the tweaks I made to the characters to make this classify as a crackfic. Also YOU WILL ALL BE SURPRISED WITH WHAT I DID TO ALLEN, Next Chapter! Oh and please give me ideas for stuff you'd want to see, like little scenarios. I'm all about pleasing my readers. Haha fanservice is a yes. ALSO, I promise that the next chapter will be a lot longer!