A/N: I am open to suggestions for who is interviewed next; Characters may be slightly OOC. Takes place during the Saiyaman Saga.
Disclaimer: the act of disclaiming; the renouncing, repudiating, or denying of a claim; disavowal. According to the definition, I hereby disclaim all rights to DBZ. I also don't own the Pokémon theme song; it's soooooo catchy!
THE REAL DBZ: SON GOKU
"Welcome to the Real DBZ. I'm your host, Jackie Tanner!" A teenage girl with short blonde hair said, "Today we will be interviewing none other than Son Goku,"
Son Goku appeared on the stage, sporting a halo over his messy head of hair. He smiled in the usual Son family fashion and sat down on the chair labeled "victim." As soon as Goku set his arms on the armrest of the chair, thick cords sprang out of nowhere and restrained him; preventing him from escaping. Of course, Goku didn't know that since this rope had been special ordered from Capsule Corporation. Not even Bulma had known what it would be used for when they asked for it.
Jackie Tanner stepped out from behind her desk, revealing a black paint splattered tee, skinny jeans, and arm warmers. Jackie walked over to Goku and sat down on the chair right next to his, with the only difference being that hers instead said "torturer" and had no means of restraining her.
"So Goku, are you glad to be back on earth?" Jackie asked, trying to melt the ice between her and her, erm, interviewee.
"You didn't really give me a choice," Goku chuckled. "How did you manage to take King Kai and King Yemma hostage, anyway?"
Jackie's dark brown eyes grew sinister as she began to laugh, her fingers curling back as flames licked the floor. She had spared no expense on the special effects budget-everything had to be perfect.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Jackie said as soon as she recovered from her slight fit of insanity. Strangely enough, the flames vanished at the same moment as her laughter. It seemed like something that could only happen in GT, but this was a GT free zone. There was even a sign above the door, declaring in bold letters that GT was forbidden to enter the premises.
Goku laughed nervously, figuring the flames had to have been CGI. "Well, I'm sure they need to run otherworld. Do you think we could hurry this up?" he proposed.
"All right then, this is how it works. I ask you a question, you give me an answer. If you lie, and we can tell, the chair will drain your ki and/or shock you," Jackie explained. "Does this make sense?"
"About as much sense as King Kai did at first," Goku mumbled under his breath. He was becoming more and more terrified of this girl by the minute.
Mistaking his mumblings for an answer to go ahead, Jackie clapped her hands, and suddenly, there was a spotlight shining on Goku.
"Goku, is it true that you mistook Vegeta for ChiChi at a costume party?" Jackie asked.
"WHAT!" Goku exclaimed, his eyes bugging out of his head.
"C'mon Goku, answer the question," Jackie pressed, leaning forward in her seat until she was barely touching it.
Goku nervously looked both ways, "Can you turn the cameras off?" he asked.
Jackie nodded and signaled to the camera men to keep them rolling. "They are off," she assured the dead Z fighter.
Maybe it was the fact that Goku wasn't the brightest person out there. Maybe it was Jackie going to acting school. Maybe Dende decided to be nice for once in his time as Kami…. Whatever it was, it kept Goku from noticing the slight smirk in Jackie's face, or the deceptiveness shining from her eyes.
Goku started slowly, "Well, Chi Chi wanted to be the Bride of Frankenstein at the last reunion I was alive for." He paused, as if confirming that the cameras were indeed off. "So she had spiked her hair up and it looked sort of like Vegeta's. Then I was eating some REALLY good pie, you should have tried it, it had the right amount of cinnamon and-"
"Goku, I'm going to say this as nice as I can," Jackie interrupted, "NO ONE CARES ABOUT PIES!"
Tears welled up in the Saiyan's eyes. "They don't?" he asked sadly, looking like a kid who found out that Santa wasn't real.
"No one," Jackie promised, nodding her head.
Goku started to sob, crying drastically. It went on and on, and if no one stopped him, at this rate the studio would flood! That meant no more equipment, no more viewers, and most importantly…no more torturing! So, Jackie reached into her pocket and pulled out a special little remote she had made just for this purpose. It had taken a lot of thought, time, dedication, and tax payers' money (she had connections). It was worth it.
"I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, to catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause…"
It was the most horrifying thing that they could find; several of their interns had gone missing in the search, including the original host. Why else would they have a teenage girl running the show? Some of the best martial artists had gone missing on the hunt: The Karate Kid, A Chuck Norris impersonator, Barney, and Dora the Explorer were just a few of them.
Jackie Tanner hit the button on her remote again and the horrible theme song stopped playing, "Now Goku, do I have to play that again?" she asked in a belittling tone of voice.
Goku fearfully shook his head.
"Now, you are going to tell me what happened next," Jackie commanded.
"So I was eating some pies and then this song came on that I knew ChiChi would like 'cause it was talking about Frying Pans…..or was it Flying Cans…..Well, I looked for her and saw some black hair sticking up and I thought it was ChiChi. So I walked up and asked her if she wanted to dance; the next thing I know I'm flying over West city because Vegeta shot a ki ball in my face," Goku shivered, "I'll never ask him to dance again."
Jackie nodded, "So you have a little crush on Vegeta, eh?"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Goku said as his face turned bright red.
"Suuuuure you don't" Jackie said, "You must like him a lot!"
"Yeah I do….HEY! I don't like Vegeta!" Goku protested.
"I guess you really don't like him," Jackie paused, smiling devilishly. "You love him!"
Goku opened his mouth to protest but Jackie had already continued rambling, "You must have seen how he prefers brains over brawn in his mate; that was the real reason you wanted to get a driver's license, wasn't it?"
"If I say yes, can I leave?" Goku asked warily.
"Maybe," Jackie said with a shrug.
"Yes, I admit it," Goku said desperately, struggling with his restraints.
"Acceptance is the first step towards getting help, Goku," Jackie told him softly. "But just because Mirai Trunks is hotter, stronger, and braver than you doesn't mean you have to out due him by staying dead longer."
"I am not jealous of Mirai Trunks!" Goku argued, "Why would I want purple hair?"
Before Jackie had a chance to reply, a loud beeping noise could be heard coming from Goku's chair. It grew louder and louder and louder until two bolts of electricity came zipping out; electrocuting the poor Saiyan.
Jackie gasped at this revelation: Goku could lie!
"So you ARE jealous of Mirai Trunks, huh?" Jackie pressed, "You probably thought he was better than you with his leather jacket, tight black tank top, and macho sword. It keeps you up at night, and whenever you get to sleep, you only see him laughing at you. Don't you, Goku?"
Goku burst in to tears. Luckily for him Jackie didn't press the button as punishment for crying. Perhaps she was amused at this easy admittance, perhaps she forget to have her morning Pepsi and was too tired to press a button. Or, the most likely reason, Popo was watching over Earth for Dende and spotted Goku's plight. He must have taken pity on the poor fighter.
"Yes….YES!" Goku wailed, "I ADMIT IT! It's just not fair! He gets to be smart, and….and his hair is so soft and silky….Mine isn't silky! It's like a rat nest! Even Gregory's sister in law, Polly the Porcupine, laughs at it!"
Goku sobbed into his hands as Jackie patted him on the back, whispering him names of techniques to cheer him up. It didn't seem to be working, even when she was mentioning superman palm heels and flying dragon kicks.
"And….and….he gets to fight the original androids….but I don't! It's not like I get to fight EVERY other villain in the series!" Goku complained. "But you know what hurts the most?"
"What?" Jackie asked in a soft tone, inside doing a happy dance at all of the TV gold she was getting. She wouldn't need to worry about getting money for college-She'd get it all here!
She was sure to get a raise; first she would take her money and calculate how many pennies she had, then nickels, then dimes, and then quarters. After she finished that, she would pay the government to create a new coin called a Jackie. The Jackies would be worth seven cents for other people, but 1,000 dollars for her. It made perfect sense!
"You know what Mirai Trunks did?" Goku asked, "YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?"
"Tell me!" Jackie demanded, banging her fists on her knee. The anticipation was practically killing her, as she waited for Goku to reveal this secret.
"HE STOLE MR. SNUGGLY POO!"