Secrets and Scars

A/N-This story is set roughly a year after the finale of season 6, I have written the story as if most of the events in season 7 and 8 did not occur. This is why certain details of what has happened in between the finale of season 6 and the time when my story is set have been brushed over.

Dean Winchester had never liked thinking of himself as a hero, no matter how many innocent lives he saved, he always felt… tainted; as if he had no place in society. Growing up on the road while his father John went on 'hunting trips' hadn't been easy for him, especially not with changing schools every few weeks and trying to raise his little brother Sam. He'd never really had a chance to find his own identity, he'd spent so long in his father's shadow that was now all he knew of life. The life of a hunter.

Sam had managed to escape this fate, for a little while at least. The way Dean saw it Sam had abandoned him, left him to live his father's life, never truly getting a chance to find his own. He knew the only reason Sam had returned from Stanford was because of his girlfriend Jessica's death. If yellow eyes hadn't gotten to her, Dean doubted he would have ever seen Sam again, the case of the woman in white would have undoubtedly been their last.

Since the passing of his father and the countless betrayals by Sam during their last few years on the road, Dean had turned to drinking on a daily basis, he even smoked the occasional cigarette. He kept this secret, partly because he felt ashamed and partly because he didn't need to listen to another one of Sam's self-righteous speeches. Each day he spent cramped up with Sam in his father's old 1967 Chevy Impala. Days of woodlands, shopping malls and crappy motels passed until they eventually arrived in the town of their latest lead. This had become their endless routine which neither of them could break free from.

Sometimes just a little bit, Dean would hope that the next town would be the last town, the monster he was hunting would win and finally, he would be able to rest. He never admitted this to anyone, he struggled to admit it even to himself. He buried it deep in the darkest depths of his core, these days it felt like all he had left was the darkness.

For a little while Dean had found hope in one of the only friends he'd ever had, Castiel. The angel that had saved him from his time in the pit. Castiel had rebelled against his superiors, turned his back on heaven and all because of his faith in one man to save the world from the apocalypse, his faith in Dean.

He had never expected that after all that they had shared, he too would betray him. The one person left he trusted whole heartedly. It was at this moment that Dean truly lost all hope. The pain he felt upon discovering Castiel had been lying to him and plotting to open the gates of purgatory with Crowley, was almost too much to bear. This of course was old news, it had been over a year, Castiel was almost back to his old self and sometimes if he tried hard enough Dean could pretend that his angel had never hurt him, he would shut his eyes tight and pretend it had been a dream. But this fantasy never lasted for long.

He blamed himself, if he had just had the courage to tell Castiel how he felt about him; maybe he wouldn't have turned to Crowley over his friends.

But the timing had never seemed right and now with everything that had happened Dean wasn't sure if he could ever tell Castiel. He'd never told anyone, every time he closed his eyes at night he would dream of Castiel. He'd spent his whole life chasing girls and monsters, the macho, A-typical life of a hunter. He knew there was no way he could admit to his brother or anyone about having feelings for another man. He buried himself in work, booze and women in a feeble attempt to drown out the pain of living a lie.

Chapter One - The Call

"Hey can you turn this crap off?" Sam whined as AC/DC's Back in Black had begun to blare through the radio.

Dean sighed, frowning a little and turned down the radio, Sam had never respected that this was in fact his car. A few more hours passed in which nothing more was said, until they finally pulled up at Crimson Nights Motel in a small town just East of Texas. There had been recent deaths in the area so they had decided to check it out.

The next day Sam went into town dressed in his usual F.B.I suit to question the local police. Dean had stayed behind claiming to be too hung-over from the night before. Sam was aware of his brother's drinking problems so hadn't found this story hard to believe. In truth, last night Dean had decided he needed to see Castiel… alone. It had been months since their last encounter. He had no idea what to say, but he couldn't fight it any longer.

He fixed himself his usual breakfast of Whiskey and last night's leftover take out and went to shower. Deliberately taking his time with each action, nervous with anticipation. When he was finished he dressed in his usual blue jeans and black t-shirt. Dean perched himself at the end of his bed after fixing his hair and when there was nothing left he could think of to do he finally broke the silence.

"Dear Castiel who art in heaven" Dean muttered to himself bitterly, expecting his prayer to go unanswered but before he had a chance to utter another word he heard the familiar sound of fluttering wings and Castiel was before him, his heart began to race. He had wanted him here, but now that he was he was unsure of what to say.

"That was fast" Dean said uncomfortably.

"I've been waiting for your call Dean. It's been months and still no word. I had begun to worry. I would've come sooner but you're hidden from me" Castiel's voice grew deeper at the end of his sentence as If this troubled him.

A few moments passed, it felt like years to Dean, he fixed his eyes on the aging patterned carpet on the floor. He couldn't look Castiel in the eye, he was lost for words, too afraid to face his own feelings. When it felt like the silence would never end Castiel took a few steps closer to where he sat at the end of the bed.

This was the first time they'd seen each other in almost half a year, Dean was so overcome with conflicting emotions he didn't know quite what to say. He took his gaze away from the carpet and looked up at Castiel, now only a few feet away. He wanted to tell him, but he was scared, scared that he would reject him and his own self-loathing would become more than he could bear.

"I know I've said this before, but I am truly sorry for my actions and how they hurt you" Castiel placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked into his eyes, desperate for his forgiveness.

Dean said nothing, afraid of admitting the truth, he looked out the window fighting back tears and using all his willpower to restrain his true feelings from coming out.

Castiel mistook Dean's silence for resentment and removed his hand, taking a few steps away and turning his back, this was hopeless he thought to himself. Dean hated him now, it was simply too late.

"I know I could never ask for your forgiveness" His voice broke a little "But you'll always mean more to me than you could ever realise"

And with that he was gone, Dean was alone once more.

"Damn you Cas!" He stood up, kicking the bed in frustration, why did he always have to leave so abruptly.

Dean fell to his knees, he didn't know how much longer he could keep going; it felt like his darkness was going to swallow him whole. Tears rolled down his cheeks, he was so angry, angry at himself, angry at Cas and angry at his own weakness. Castiel wouldn't understand he told himself. He's so new to this world, he wouldn't understand these feelings. It would be pointless to tell him, and with that he fixed himself another drink and went back to bed.

Castiel had settled down in an abandoned farm in Kansas. The land there was beautiful, he spent his days marvelling at the wonder of God's creations and hoping each day for Dean's forgiveness. That was all he cared about anymore.

"If we are all as God intended us to be then why did he make me this way?" He said aloud to himself.

The lonely angel had begun talking to himself in recent months. Most of his former friends were dead, the ones left alive wanted him dead, he was no longer welcome in heaven and the one man he hoped would forgive him hadn't spoken to him in months. He spent each day alone at this farm, just waiting for Dean's call.

If only Dean would be his friend once more, Castiel just wanted to be by his side. The only time he had any real sense of purpose was with Dean. He had no idea of what these feelings meant, he just knew that when they were together he felt like he was home. He tortured himself every day, living with the hurt he had caused him was unbearable. But each day he waited for Dean's call until one day, finally it came.

"Dear Castiel who art in heaven"

As soon as he heard the words he instinctively followed the source. The visit was short, Castiel could see the pain his presence was inflicting on Dean. He had vanished soon after his arrival, sensing that Dean could never forgive him, he paid him the only kindness he felt he had left to give and left him in peace. Castiel had waited so long to see him and longed to provide a comfort to his friend's pain, but it would have been selfish to stay he told himself. He could see that Dean couldn't even stand being in the same room as him.

It had been good to see him and know that he was at least okay, despite this he returned to the farm feeling lonelier and more miserable than ever.

After a few moments Castiel realised he had not given Dean a chance to explain why he had called. The look of resentment in Dean's eyes had made him feel so overcome with shame. But he needed to see if he could help Dean in some way, he would move the ends of the earth for him. All he had to do was ask.

TBC