Kneel by Loki Laufeyson.
I heard that you people on Earth write a book containing your life once you become famous, so I gave it a try...
In a realm far from the one you are on, there is an astonishing community of Asgardians that live in peace with your planet; these gods have powers beyond compare and claim to be perfect citizens. These "faultless" beings are ruled by their king, Odin, who I believe is far from a good role model for the people of the universe. The Asgardians went to war with the Frost Giants of Jotunheim in 965 AD to stop them from trying to take over the nine realms. Instead of just leaving quietly when they were victorious, Odin took the Casket of Ancient Winters - their source of power - along with a baby in the hope of using it to bargain with the king, Laufey.
This baby was a runt, a lot smaller than the average Frost Giant - left to die by its father because it was useless. It was raised by Odin and his wife, Frigga, as their own son; made to believe that it was one of them.
That child wasn't Thor, it was unfortunately me.
I guessed that this story should start right back at the dawn of my life; not many people know how I became the man I am today and I felt that it would help you understand me better. Well, like most ordinary people, I can't remember my very early childhood or practically all of it to be honest apart from a few standout events - being immortal means that my youth was many years ago and it's hard for even a god to remember that far back. Not that I'd want to dig into the past anyway...
From what I can recollect, the majority of my junior years consists of me being alone and hated by all the Aesirs. Being the God of Mischief kind of means that I have to live up to the name even if it involves playing pranks on everybody. This wasn't the only reason for their loathing though - they expected me to be like my intolerable oaf of a "brother" who only thinks of battle when I am the complete opposite; I was only endured because of my royal status. Even Thor didn't offer me any comfort when his friends bullied me constantly about anything from my personality to my appearance. I was forced to spend all my time in the royal library, not that I didn't like it but I always felt bitter when reminded that I didn't have a true friend.
Please don't be mistaken in thinking that I hate Thor because it is highly incorrect.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
I am indifferent to him.
Back to the story; I was never a great fighter and throwing knives weren't the greatest of weapons on the battlefield, so I did what any god of my intelligence would do - I studied the art of magic. According to the Asgardians though, producing distractions and illusions was cheating - even Odin didn't want his "son" practising in the magical arts. Fools.
Thor was always considered "better" at everything - even though it was I who helped him on all his adventures, me who was smarter and I am the reason he's not dead! Nobody is greater than Loki Laufeyson.
When I found out my heritage it made sense why I wasn't going to ever be king of Asgard, although I must admit that Odin and Frigga were very good actors for stopping me from knowing their deception for so long; it is hypocritical though when they call me dishonest... The thing that hurt me the most wasn't their lie, it was the memories of late nights when Thor used to tell me scary stories of how there was a Frost Giant in my wardrobe while I laughed at how unbelievable his tale was - even though I was terrified to leave my bed when he left for his own room.
I didn't want to be the monster that even I was scared of as a child so I made an elaborate plan to kill all Jotunheim, using the Bifrost as a way to rip apart the frozen wastelands. No monsters, no threat. It was all for the greater good of Asgard, I can assure you, even though everyone assumed that I just wanted the throne. Ruling the Aesir people wasn't my top priority then and I only stepped up to the job because Frigga urged me to, I was the only royal remaining as Thor was banished to Midgard.
Soon after I gained power though, Thor was deemed worthy to weild Mjolnir and came to stop me from destroying the monster Frost Giants. (If they attack Asgard again: I told you so.) He succeeded in breaking the Bifrost after our fight, which I was winning until he cheated with his hammer, and we were both rescued by Odin arriving at precisely the right time. Now dangling from the broken bridge, I told him my plan and how it would've worked; to which he replied, "No Loki."
The rest was a bit of a blur as I let go - falling into absolute nothingness.
An alien race called the Chitauri offered me help so I eagerly accepted it. If you had just free-fallen through an abyss and had nowhere left to go, wouldn't you? They used my fear to their advantage and easily used the sceptre they gave me to brainwash me into getting them the Tesseract.
I can only remember fuzzy details of the battle that followed after - I have used the "internet" to research how the fighting went - but I do remember clearly the feeling of infuriation inside me multiplied to unthinkable bounds. Looking down from Stark Towers at the bloodshed, I didn't feel any remorse and I loved the destruction that I had caused; it was fitting for the God of Chaos. Their misery was my goal.
That foul beast they call the Hulk removed me from the trance the Chitauri had me in - in a very painful way. I just winced in pain at the memory of that, I think I may be traumatized. As I was confused and regaining my memory back I ended up surrendering; but not without asking for the drink I was offered, being destructive is thirsty work even for a god. The Avengers didn't bother even getting me a drink, no, they just went off to eat! It's a sad thought knowing that humans care more about food than a god.
Almost immediately after being captured I was transported to Asgard's finest, most secure, prison cell - only to break out a week later using just a hairpin and a coat hanger.
I didn't waste that week though; the entire time was spent planning a way to fix my downfall into something greater. A magical army of my creation invaded New York when the humans were at their weakest and unprepared for battle. You've all seen my triumph in battle so I'll spare you the boring details.
Once I had retrieved my spear, I brainwashed the Avengers one-by-one until Earth had no more "mighty heroes" to stop me and the humans surrendered. As you there are reading this, I would like to thank you and your people for giving up so easily; it makes world domination so much more effortless. Oh and you're welcome for world peace by the way. Not one person has thanked me for that...
All great people need a castle, so I took Stark Towers for my own - it seemed a fitting place as it was there that I finally ruled the world. It's pretty cool being in charge; I do what I want. You may have noticed a slight change to the tower since I started living here, I didn't like it saying "STARK" on the side so I simply changed it to "KNEEL". A friendly little reminder to you all of what you're supposed to do. You're welcome.
I use the Avengers as my servants now as well. Banner and that ginger woman are my chefs; the hawk, soldier and Fury are my personal waiters - and trust me when I say that they're all far more interesting now that the only thing they say is "Your Highness."
Stark, however, cannot be controlled with that damn reactor thingy in his chest. I guess you can't really control a heart of stone or steel... I didn't want to let him leave me so he is now my pet. Not very loyal but still entertaining nevertheless. He lives in a cage similar to the one I was kept in on the Helicarrier in the basement of my new tower and I have told him that if he wants to be allowed to roam freely, he just needs to be cooperative - I'll only put a simple tracking spell on him.
Life on this planet, my planet, has returned to somewhat normality and I must say that I like the way that you humans just accept all situations and carry on. What's that phrase? Keep calm and carry on. Yeah, follow that phrase but without the "Keep calm" bit - I like chaos.
Asgard has cut off all communications with Midgard now, and even Thor doesn't visit anymore. I would be lying if I said that I don't miss him just a bit - well, I miss winding him up... But I won't let myself dwell on thoughts like that, sentiment is a weakness that can be used against you when you least expect it. I give great words of wisdom; I'm not going to publish this because I don't want to be known as the vulnerable and sentimental king.
My greatest achievement is probably the giant, golden statue of my likeness in that wonderful little park in this city. No idea what it's called but the place looks so much better with that sculpture; if you haven't seen it yet, why haven't you? And while you're at it, look for the script I engraved personally on the base, my life motto:
"If you want survival, Kneel on my arrival."
I felt a need to write this all down just to get it all off my chest and I don't feel any better - the tower is still eerily quiet and I'm still alone. It's better than the first time I was lonely in Asgard, at least I now rule an entire planet. I think I might just go and terrorise Stark.
~King Loki
Author's notes: I have been advised to add a disclaimer although I'm not sure why; I own myself... And I technically own the Avengers while they're under my mind control, even Stark. Although I don't own the lyrics by Temposhark so I guess I'll disclaim that. I have an army.