The New Guardians
A new team comes together, to protect the Galaxy from ... stuff.
[Author's note: This follows the GOTG fanfic collection titled Where the Road Might Lead. The characters Cosmo, Memi and Hoover appear in the collection. It takes place after Quill and Gamora have retired from the Guardians to live on Earth.]
"You people are incompetent," said Hoover. She, Groot, Rocket and Drax were in the main room of Ship, which sat in a repair-and-refuel dock on Xandar.
"Ha!" said Rocket. "We've saved the galaxy ... lots of times."
"Perhaps not lots," said Drax. "But ... on several occasions."
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Really?" said Rocket. "That's really the number?"
"What I mean," said Hoover, as she shuffled through the untidy pile of papers that passed for the accounting books of the Guardians of the Galaxy, "is that you people are incapable of keeping decent records. This is an utter mess. What, for example, is this expenses item for 'two dozen chef's hats'?"
"Uh, that would be mine," said Drax. "It was for chef's hats."
"And why did you need two dozen chef's hats?"
"To wear while making donuts, of course."
"Don't go there, Hoover," said Rocket.
"And what is this four-page list of things headed 'miscellaneous explosive items'? Is that yours, Rocket?"
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah, that's entirely right," said Rocket. "Any irregularities in the book-keeping are entirely the fault of Quill. And Gemora."
"Really?" said Drax. "But Gemora was always chastising me for – "
"Maybe not greenie," said Rocket. "But Quill. Definitely."
"Oh yes, definitely Quill," said Drax.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"There, it's unanimous," said Rocket.
Hoover sighed. "But now that Quill and Gemora have left the Guardians, got married, and moved to Terra," she said, "there is not really a way I can raise these matters with them."
"A pity," said Drax.
"Great shame," said Rocket.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
Hoover sighed again. "It is no wonder," she said, "that Nova Prime asked me to take on the role of your administrative assistant. Although with just the three of you, there must be an issue of whether the Guardians are still a going concern."
"Okay, I'm out of here," said Rocket.
"Not so fast," said Hoover. "You have a contract, remember."
"We do?" said Drax.
Hoover pulled a folder of papers, two inches thick, from her bag. "You signed this," she said. She flipped to the page which showed the various signatures and marks.
"Oh," said Rocket. "That. But, hey, Quill and Gemora left."
"There is a clause allowing departure in case of members marrying," said Hoover. "Section 139A/17-WN3, paragraph 5. See, right here."
Rocket looked at the very, very, very small print. "Has anyone ever told you," he said to Hoover, "that you are really, really annoying?"
"Why, no," said Hoover. "Why should they?"
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Since she is your girlfriend, your opinion doesn't count," said Rocket.
"Wait," said Drax. "Hoover is Groot's girlfriend? When did that happen?"
"Three years ago," said Hoover.
"Huh," said Drax. "How do you – "
"Don't ask," said Rocket. "Just ... don't."
"In any case," said Drax, "contract or no, Hoover is right when she asks whether we should continue. We do not even have a pilot for Ship."
"What, none of you can operate this thing?" said Hoover. "Gosh, even I know how to drive. A little ship, anyway. Rocket, I thought your speciality was technology."
Rocket mumbled something.
"Pardon me?" said Hoover.
Rocket mumbled again.
"Once more, please," said Hoover.
"My feet don't reach the pedals!" he said. "There, happy now!? I can fix anything that goes wrong but driving this hunk of junk is ... a shortcoming."
"Hmm," said Hoover. "How about Drax?"
"Last time he tried, we collided with a few things," said Rocket. "Quite a few. There's a list in the records, under 'Damages'. Takes an entire page, I think."
Hoover sighed.
There was a knock on the door. A woman walked in.
"Memi!" said Drax. "It is good to see you again."
"Hey, it's the donut woman from the Luxori Consortium," said Rocket.
"And my sometimes ... companion," said Drax. "We have had a number of donut-related adventures."
"Well, here I am," said Memi. "Like the letter said."
"The what?" said Rocket.
Memi pulled a letter from her pocket. Rocket noticed that she was still wearing her Krispy Kreme shirt. She read: " ... and the Guardians are going to need a pilot. It's dangerous hanging out with them. So you'll probably die. Best regards, Peter Quill. PS Ignore Rocket if he ever says that he needs someone's artificial limb."
"You're a pilot?" said Hoover.
"She is a very good pilot," said Drax. "Very capable at many things."
"I thought you made donuts," said Rocket.
"I do that too," said Memi.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"I agree, she's in," said Rocket.
There was another sound from the door. Not a knock, more of a scratching. Then Cosmo the Space Dog came in. He was wearing a little doggy coat. In the pocket was a letter. He looked at them. Then he gave a sigh.
"I should never have told Gemora I would do this," he said. "Although I have to say that running Knowhere was getting old."
"So now we are six," said Drax.
"Five," said Hoover. "I'm just here to keep your accounts straight."
"I am Groot," said Groot, putting a little branch on her shoulder.
"And, yes, that too," said Hoover. "Of course. I consider that part to be a fringe benefit. Tax-free."
"What is this 'tax' thing, of which you speak, small woman?" said Drax.
Suddenly, an alarm sounded. Loudly.
"What's that!?" said Hoover.
"Not sure," said Rocket. "It just happens from time to time. I think something is broken."
"I'm pretty sure it's a warning or something," said Memi. She swung herself into the pilot's seat and started to punch buttons.
Cosmo jumped up onto the console and surveyed the screens. "It is an emergency distress call passed to us from Xandar Central Control," he said. "We are being directed to a planet designated 477AQ-32/VII, specifically to a settlement colony currently under threat from a wandering mini-sun."
"Then here we go," said Memi, starting the engines and easing Ship out of the dock.
"Wait!" said Hoover. "I want to get off!"
"Too late, small woman," said Drax.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Shut up," said Rocket. "No-one wants to hear your jokes."
They were moving away from Xandar now, preparing for the transition to warp.
"I have two questions," said Drax. "Why are we going to this planet, and what are we supposed to do there? And do you anticipate that they will have donuts?"
"According to the directions from Xandar Central Control, we are supposed to save the settlement by destroying the mini-sun," said Cosmo, still reading from the communications console.
"Hmm," said Drax. "And the donuts?"
"Probably not," said Memi. "Donuts are actually quite rare." She pushed the button which had WRAP written on it in something that looked like crayon. She was assuming it was supposed to say WARP.
"Rocket," said Cosmo. "Would you be able to create one of your large explosive devices, please."
"Theoretically," said Rocket. "What's in it for me?"
"The chance to make an extremely big boom."
Rocket considered. "Okay, I'll do it as long as I get to sign the hole," he said. He left for that part of Ship where he kept his miscellaneous explosive items.
"But don't use anything I haven't inventoried yet!" called Hoover after him.
"We're there," said Memi, as Ship dropped out of warp.
"Which is not necessarily a good place to be," said Cosmo.
From here, they could see planet 477AQ-32/VII – and also the mini-sun approaching, on a more-or-less collision course.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Uh-huh," said Cosmo.
Memi took Ship down to the planet surface. It looked like a nice place, plenty of lush vegetation and pretty landscapes alive with ... things that were alive. But the mini-sun was already apparent in the sky, slowly coming closer.
They landed at the settlement. If they were expecting a welcome committee, they were mistaken. The settlers were just, well, standing around. There was a two-person ship in a little hangar but it didn't look particularly trustworthy.
"Hi," said ... some guy.
"You have to get out of here," said Cosmo. "There's a mini-sun ... wait, you already know."
"Uh, yeah," said the guy. "My name is, er, Jones."
"No it isn't," said Cosmo. "It's Smith. Not much of an improvement, really."
"What, you can read minds?"
"Of course he can," said Drax. "All dogs can."
"You have to prepare to evacuate," said Memi to the group of settlers.
"Already on it," said another of the settlers. "Say, are you, you know, with the authorities?"
"Of course not," said Rocket.
"Yes we are," said Hoover. "I am an accountant. So ... very authorititative."
"We have uniforms and we are sometimes paid," said Drax. "But that is as far it goes."
"Wait, we get paid?" said Memi.
"I was with the authorities," said Cosmo. "In fact, I was the authorities. Currently, I am considering other career options."
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Oh yeah, him too," said Rocket.
The settlers looked a bit ... confused. Understandably.
"So ... you're here to save us, then, are you?" said Smith/Jones.
"Maybe," said Rocket. "If it was to be worth our while in some meaningful way."
"You mean, you're not assessors for Galaxy Insurance and Assurance Life Corporation Incorporated?" said some woman.
The Guardians (including Hoover, for the sake of argument) looked at each other.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Yeah, me too," said Rocket.
"I like a good case of insurance fraud as much as the next crook," said Memi. "But not if it involves getting everyone killed. I assume you guys have some nick-of-time getaway plan. Something bigger then that dinky little runabout over there."
"We have a ship big enough for all of us in orbit, and we can bring it down by remote," said Smith/Jones. "We didn't want the insurance assessors see it. It's easier to get paid if they think a lot of people got killed as well."
"So you get away and the whole planet, including your grossly over-insured settlement, gets fried," said Cosmo.
"But it's such a nice planet," said Hoover. "Very ... green."
"It's actually pretty hard to get insurance on a ball of rock," said Smith/Jones. "Believe me, I've tried."
"Well, looks like this mission is well handled," said Rocket.
"Our work here is done," said Drax.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"I just said that, you idiot," said Rocket to him.
"Wait a minute," said Memi. She was looking at a scanner, linked to the instruments on the ship. "Did you scammers take account of the large gravity well of the mini-sun? And of the flares it's putting out?"
"The what?" said Smith/Jones.
"These people are not overly bright," said Cosmo. "Reading their minds is like walking through a field. Not the good sort of field, I mean the sort with large globs of excrement scattered about."
There was a sudden flare in the sky.
"And that would be your escape vessel getting incinerated," said Memi. "By the way, I estimate that we will all die in about fifteen minutes if nothing is done."
"That's alright, it was insured with Alliance Across-the-Galaxy Finance and Credit Coalition," said one of the settlers.
"Oh brother," muttered Hoover.
"Just how do you plan to get away now?" said Cosmo. "You can't all fit on our ship. And we are reluctant to be part of an insurance scam."
"We are?" said Rocket.
"I believe," said Drax, "that it would be unwise of us to become enemies with Galaxy Insurance and Assurance Life Corporation Incorporated. I'm just saying."
"Did I say fifteen minutes?" said Memi. "Now about ten."
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"Oh yeah, right, we've still got the mega-bomb sun-killer device," said Rocket. "Forgot about that."
"But how can we deliver it?" said Memi. "According to these readings, if we use Ship it will get torched by a flare just like these bozos' escape plan."
"Would a small vessel do it?" said Hoover. "They don't generate the same intensity of field."
"How do you know that?" said Rocket.
"I am an accountant," said Hoover. "We know everything."
"Yes, that would probably work," said Memi.
Groot had vanished into Ship, and now reappeared, carrying the mega-bomb, which looked like a cross between a briefcase and a porcupine.
"Then we use that cruiser," said Hoover, pointing towards the settlers' little ship.
"None of us know how to fly it," said Smith/Jones. "It's really just for show."
"Well, don't look at me," said Rocket. "It could be dangerous."
"I ... have some issues with driving," said Drax.
"I'm a dog," said Cosmo. "No thumbs."
There was the sound of rockets firing. It was the cruiser lifting into the air. Groot was standing next to it, watching it lift off. He was no longer holding the mega-bomb.
"Let me see," said Rocket. "Cosmo is here, and Drax is just there, and Memi is here, and I'm here, and Groot is right over there, and none of these dipso settlers can fly, so that must mean – "
"You people are brilliant," said Memi.
"You mean, it is Hoover in the small vessel?" said Drax.
"Absolutely brilliant," said Memi.
They ran into Ship and Memi lifted off. "How long do we have?" said Cosmo.
"Five minutes, maybe," said Memi. They could see the cruiser heading towards the approaching mini-sun now. Cosmo opened a communications channel.
"You do not have to do this, small woman," said Drax.
"Someone had to," said Hoover, over the link. "Those people might be idiots but we can't let them die."
"Why not?" said Drax.
"Because ... it's not what the Guardians do," said Hoover.
"You are not a Guardian," said Drax.
"I believe that she is," said Cosmo.
"Anyway, if I do this you guys have to promise to keep your books in better order," said Hoover. "Damn, those records are just a nightmare from start to finish. Accounting purgatory."
"Very well," said Drax.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"I'll think about it," said Rocket.
"Hoover, there is another solar flare building up," said Cosmo. "Fire the missile and turn away."
As the Guardians watched, the mega-bomb detached from the cruiser and went sailing towards the mini-sun.
"Turn away!" said Cosmo.
"I ... I'm trying," said Hoover. "But ... the controls aren't responding."
"Try harder, small woman!" said Drax.
"She's in the gravity well," murmured Rocket.
A flared leaped out of the mini-sun. It jumped towards the cruiser, the tip engulfing the vessel for a moment.
"I am Groot!" shouted Groot.
The flare receded. The cruiser was scorched but still in one piece.
And then the mega-bomb exploded. The mini-sun turned white, then red, and then began to collapse into itself. In a few moments, there was nothing left but a brownish hole on space.
"Not one of my best, I know," said Rocket. "Oh well."
Memi was steering Ship towards the cruiser. She guided the little vessel into the docking port. Cosmo was checking the scanners. He gave a canine sigh of relief. "Life signs positive," he said. "A bit odd, but positive."
"Hoover all over," said Rocket.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
It was a half-hour later. Hoover, lying in the bed in Ship's little infirmary, slowly came awake. The Guardians were standing around her.
"There, you see, she's fine, now let's get something to eat," said Rocket.
"I am Groot," said Groot, gently laying a branch on Hoover's forehead. Then he pulled it away and looked at it. "I am Groot," he said.
"If you're saying that her temperature is abnormally high, you're right," said Memi, looking at the instruments. "Very strange."
"At least," said Hoover, "you agreed to keep better accounts."
"Uh, about that," said Drax.
"Technically, I only said I would think about it," said Rocket.
"I am Groot," said Groot.
Hoover scowled. Then, suddenly, a burst of heat flared out of her, spreading across the room. Everyone ducked. Then it was gone.
"Okay, okay, I'll make an effort," said Rocket. "Sheesh."
"Whoa!" she said. "What was that?"
"Bio-heat auto-generation," said Cosmo. "The radiation from the solar flare must have done something to you."
"Does this mean ... I have superpowers?" said Hoover.
"Of course not," said Drax. "It only means that you can create blasts of heat and fire by thinking about it."
The others stared at him.
"I am Groot," muttered Groot.
"You've got that right," said Rocket.
"And it means," said Cosmo, "that you are a Guardian, Hoover. Superpowers or no, you showed you had the right stuff when you saved that planet."
"Well, it was a very nice planet," said Hoover. She took Groot's branch in her hand.
"Then we are, indeed, six," said Drax.
"But what should be call ourselves?" said Memi.
"The New Guardians," said Drax.
"Hey, that's not bad," said Rocket.
"Then," said Cosmo, "the New Guardians it is."
END
If you liked this story you might want to take a look at the new novella by Darkpenn (aka Derek Parker), titled I, Viridian: Supvervillain,available on Amazon.