Title: Know That I Am Here
Rating: This work of fan fiction is for mature audiences (16+) only. Violators will be punished to the fullest extent of the author's ability, which quite frankly is me wagging my finger at you.
Summary: They say that when you are about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. They never said you had to do it alone.
Disclaimer: If I own anything, then where's my million dollar check!?
Dedication: To purplangel, who has been such a friend to me, and gives me far more credit than I deserve.
Author's Note: The title of the story is a paraphrase of a Bible quotation: "Be still, and know that I am God."
They're just getting started.
Oh, how sweet those words feel on her tongue. Not five minutes ago she was sure that saying it would have been a lie. Just a few moments before, she was sending up a desperate prayer that he find a way to be happy without her. Now she's got her arms around her neck and she wonders if she's ever been happier in her life.
"I love you." He whispers into her mouth, her ear, her neck.
"I love you." He informs her when they're finally finished kissing (for now), when they're on their way back to the precinct, when they're in the elevator heading up to his apartment.
"I love you." He writes in the palm of her hand, the planes of her stomach, the pad of paper she keeps handy in her top desk drawer.
It's like he was so worried he'd never get to say it again that now he's overcompensating. She doesn't mind.
She wants to tell him how he kept her going during those hours she had to stand there, frozen, secretly terrified and trying to tamp it down. She wants to tell him how his simple presence was like a soothing balm, steadying her taut nerves and slowing the frantic staccato of her heart. She wants to tell him how much she wanted to punch him, yank on his ear, and kiss him over the course of those hours.
But most of all, she wants to tell him that she loves him, too.
She plans on this, on a big heartfelt outpouring of emotion, but the moment they're alone they just… explode. His hands are on her, all over her, and his kisses are deep and claiming and almost frenzied. She wants to touch every inch of him, feel the tiny pockmarks and the freckles and the scars that she never thought she'd get to feel again. More, please more, not enough, needing more… yearning to be joined, to be one, and know that soon this day will just be another nightmare to chase away in the dead of night.
"You came back." She whispers, surprised and gratified and amazed. "You… you can't do that, Castle, you can't… I can't…"
"I'm always going to be there." He cuts her off. He kisses her, soundly, stealing any further protests from her. "I will always be right here, where you are."
She feels tears prick her eyes like hot needles, and she stares in wonder at this incredible man in her arms. How… why… she can't even comprehend what she did to earn him.
"Until the end, if necessary." He assures her.
"Always?" She sounds like a child, her voice breaking, needing to hear the word that has become her saving grace over the years.
A memory rises to the surface; a very young Kate in Sunday school, fear trembling in her heart because she broke Mommy's vase playing football in the living room and hid the pieces and it's only a matter of time before Mommy finds out. Kate wants to know, will God help me no matter what? Will He love me no matter what?
She feels the same way now, desperately needing an answer even though she knows, deep inside, that she already has it.
"Always." He assures her, and he wraps her into the tightest hug she's ever received. "Always." He repeats, reassuring them both, his voice tight and thick.
Stubborn tears leak down the side of her nose, but they're joyful ones. She's safe and loved. Everything is all right. Castle is here, with her.
Or Rick, rather.
They still call each other by their last names, not out of formality anymore but camaraderie, but there's a change when it's just the two of them alone in an intimate setting. It's like the last of whatever shields they carry fall away, and she's faced with Rick and Rick alone. It's still the man she knows and loves – there's no exact change – but she knows that what she's seeing is something others have not. Nor will they, if she has any say in the matter.
She shuffles back towards the bed and he comes with her, still entwined in one another. That's what she wants. She doesn't care how long it takes to get the damn clothes off; she doesn't want to lose physical contact for even a second. She also doesn't care if it's constricting him with how tight she wraps her legs around him; she's half afraid she'll open her eyes and be back inside that horrible circle, feeling the countdown like it's a physical force inside of her body.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you." She admits in a rush.
His rhythm falters, his gaze going from her breasts to her eyes as he stares, a little startled.
"What?" He asks, and she realizes that with all the reminiscing they've been doing she could have been talking about any point in their relationship.
"Right… before you came back. When I was alone." She grabs his ass to get him moving again. She started talking. That is not permission to stop. "I just kept… thinking about you, about when we were together. All the times I wanted to kiss you but I didn't, all the times you stared at me and I felt like… like I was the only thing that existed to you… all the times we touched…"
Her words are spurring him on, making him move faster. Their breaths become harsher and degrade into pants, and still she speaks, driving by an unknown force deep within her – so deep it might even be from her soul.
"All of my life could've flashed before my eyes but Rick… all I wanted to think about… all that I chose to think about… was you. Only you…"
She's gripping him so tightly she knows he'll have tiny scratches come tomorrow morning, but she can't stop herself.
"Just knowing… that you're here…" She looks up again, into his eyes. His are closed but he must feel her gaze because he snaps them open, a connection starting up between them the way it always does. It's like a live wire, buzzing and crackling, and she never wants to look away from those insanely blue eyes.
"It's all I need." She whispered. "To know that you're here."
She cries out as she feels her climax begin and he swoops down to kiss her, holding her mouth prisoner as their bodies empty themselves for each other.
He doesn't stop kissing her as he withdraws from inside her, nor as he rolls them to a more comfortable position. They're deep and searching, slow almost to the point of lazy, but he doesn't stop. He cradles the back of her neck in his hand, his fingers tangling her already messed up hair, and she wishes that time could stop so that they could stay like this forever.
"That's all I ever needed." He whispers, the words passed straight from his mouth to hers. "To be with you, by your side." He pins her to him, trapping her in his circle, only this one is of love and protection instead of desperation and destruction. "You're all I ever think about."
Again, she has no idea what she did to deserve this, but she'll take it anyway. She'd be downright crazy not to.
And late in the night, when she wakes up from dreams of being trapped in that circle, unable to breathe, all she has to do is be still and feel his arms around her.
And she'll know that he is always there.
Many people were confused so let me set the record straight; "Still" was not the 100th Episode. "The Lives of Others" was the 100th Episode. You're welcome.
That said, I cannot properly describe how much I was squealing during this episode, shouting, "I remember that!" and describing entire episodes to my family. For such a serious episode, I laughed super hard. Those two are incorrigible.
I know that it's not dignified to do so but I have no pride so pretty please can I have a review? I'm on my knees and giving you puppy eyes!