Chapter One – A Tale of Footballs and Hats

Inspired by a conversation in Season 2, Episode 17, Reagan v. Reagan and the classic 1955 Christmas song, Nothin' for Christmas, by Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett.

December 24, 2013

"Where is that boy?" Henry glanced at his watch one more time. "If he doesn't get her soon with my gg's, we'll all be late for Midnight Mass."

"You know Danny, Grandpa. He'll be here on his own schedule," Jamie told his grandfather. He looked out the front window. "And there's his car now."

"About time," Henry grumbled.

Shortly thereafter, Danny led his family into his family home in Bay Ridge. "Hey, everyone ready to go once Linda gets tomorrow's roast in the fridge?"

"Just waiting for you, Daniel," Frank informed his eldest son."

"Hey, Jack. Hey, Sean," Jamie greeted his nephews. "Ready for Christmas?"

"I guess," Jack muttered with a glare at Sean. Sean's "Yeah," was equally unenthusiastic, and accompanied by a stare at his older brother.

"Hey what's up with you two? No Christmas spirit?"

"Kid, don't get them started," Danny muttered to his brother.

"Sean sat on my new glasses," Jack blurted out.

"And you broke my GameBoy's power cord!"

"Well, you called me four-eyes! After you sat on two of them!"

"Boys, behave. We're not getting into this again in front of your grandfather and great-grandfather," Linda told her boys.

"They were ugly anyway," Sean muttered.

Henry and Frank shared a glance. "It's the football and the hat all over again," Henry remarked.

"The what?" Jack asked.

"Ah, you've never heard the tale of the football and the hat?" Henry asked rhetorically. "Come on. I'll tell you on the drive over to the church."

A few minutes later, the family members were settled in the cars for the short trip to the church: Frank, Henry and the boys in Frank's official vehicle, and Danny, Linda and Jamie in Danny's well-worn Jeep. Henry turned to face his great-grandsons. "So, 'The Football and the Hat.' It started just a few days before Christmas, back when your father was about ten years old, and Jamie was a brand new little baby…"

==BB==BB==

December 22, 1982

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;

Somebody snitched on me.

I hid a frog in sister's bed;

Somebody snitched on me.

I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;

I made Tommy eat a bug;

Bought some gum with a penny slug;

Somebody snitched on me.

"Mommmmmy! Mommmmy!" Five-year-old Joe's alarmed voice cut through the silly Christmas song playing on the radio.

Mary Reagan sighed. What now? A week-and-a-half after bringing new baby Jamie home from the hospital, and the normal family routine was still out of order. Danny and Erin had been bickering with each other constantly, and Joe had become more clingy with both her and his father. And Christmas? It was coming up, much too soon. Only a week out, and the decorations? Not hung. The tree? Not decorated? The presents? Purchased, at least, but not wrapped. Thank God for Frank's parents, who had invited the family, including her mother Rose, to celebrate the holiday with them at the Reagan home in Bay Ridge. "I'm in the living room, Joey," she called to her next-to-youngest son. She settled two-week-old baby Jamie back into the cradle that had been used by all of his older siblings, as well as his father and grandfather.

Joe ran into the room, holding one hand over his nose. "Mommy! Danny hit me with his football and made my nose bleed."

"No I didn't, you little snitch!" Danny yelled at his little brother.

"Yes, you did. You threw it at me, and it bounced up and hit my face," Joe insisted.

"You were supposed to catch it!"

"I tried! It's too big."

"Or you're too little," Danny snipped. He tossed his football from one hand to the other, then pantomimed throwing it at Joey.

"Am NOT!" Joe yelled while stomping one foot on the hardwood floor, waking his baby brother, who immediately started fussing. "And I didn't want to play anyway. I wanted to stay in and play with Jamie."

"Daniel! Joseph!" Mary scolded over her baby's wailing. "Jamie just got to sleep. Try not to yell around him. Joe, let me take a look your nose."

"It's bleeding." Joe lowered his hand from his nose.

Mary tilted her son's head back to get a better look. "Daniel, you have to be more careful when you play with your brother. Joey, let's go to the kitchen and get you cleaned up. Pinch your nose right here and keep your head tilted back." She stood up and put one hand on her son's back to guide him. "And Daniel, rock your baby brother for a few minutes until he settles."

Danny sighed and dropped down onto the sofa. He nudged his baby brother's portable cradle with his foot, and the baby's cries quieted. Danny frowned at the baby. Joey had always wanted to play with him before the little thing came along. He nudged the cradle harder a few times, causing it to rock faster. "You're making a mess of everything, you little brat." Danny kicked it one more time, with more force than he really meant to.

As if he could understand what his big brother was saying, or maybe because of the fast rocking, Jamie started fussing again and then promptly burped up part of his last feeding all over himself and the blanket.

"Geez, kid, what'd you do that for," Danny grumbled at the baby.

"Mom! Mom, Danny just kicked Jamie's cradle and made him urp all over himself," Erin called to her mother.

Danny spun around to see his sister standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Where did you come from?"

Erin smirked at him as she walked across the room. "I came downstairs to find Mom. Wanted to see what she thought about my Christmas Eve dress and hat. But I got here just in time, didn't I, sweet little boy." Erin knelt down next to her baby brother and started cleaning him up. "Mean Danny was being a big meany, wasn't he?" she cooed to him.

"Daniel, what did you do?" Mary fretted as she ran back into the room.

"Nothing!" Danny tried to defend himself. "I just rocked him like you told me to." At least baby Jamie couldn't tattle on him. Not yet.

"No he didn't. He was rocking it really hard. That's why Jamie burped," Erin argued back. "But come see what I'm going to wear for Midnight Mass."

"Daniel, I've told you to be careful with your little siblings." Mary grabbed Danny's football out of his hands. "No more football today. Go play quietly with Joey."

"That's not fair. I didn't even do anything bad," Danny protested. Not really bad.

"Mom, what about my dress?" Erin repeated.

Mary sighed. "I'll be there soon. As soon as I get Jamie cleaned up," she promised.

Erin glared at her older brother. Mom wasn't going to make it upstairs to see the outfit she'd picked out. Jamie would probably need a diaper change after he got cleaned up, and then something else would happen, and it would be Christmas Day before Mom had time to help her. And that was Danny's fault this time. "Fine," she snapped and marched back up the stairs to her room.

Oh, I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are mad.

I'm getting nothin' for Christmas

'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad.

==BB==BB==

December 23, 1982

I put a tack on teacher's chair

Somebody snitched on me.

I tied a knot in Susie's hair

Somebody snitched on me.

I did a dance on Mommy's plants

Climbed a tree and tore my pants

Filled the sugar bowl with ants

Somebody snitched on me.

"Danny! Joey! Time to get up!" Erin pounded on the door to her brother's bedroom the next morning. "You're going to be late for school. And Dad's driving us in today."

Joe pulled his blanket tighter around his head. "'m not going," he mumbled.

"Yes, you are." Danny rolled himself out of bed and yanked the covers off his little brother. "Up. You heard Erin. Dad's waiting to take us to school today." Which meant, Danny suddenly realized, that his father would be getting his morning coffee at the kitchen table instead of standing at the counter like he usually did. Which meant he would be getting the sugar for his coffee from the sugar bowl on the table and not from the canister on said counter. "Crap!" Danny ran for the stairs. "Dad, don't use the sugar," he called.

Coughing and spitting sounds from the kitchen alerted him that he was too late. He jogged into the kitchen to find his father staring at him.

"Danny, what did you put in the sugar?" Frank asked his son.

"Nothing bad!"

"Daniel," Frank warned.

"Just some salt," Danny admitted. "Erin was supposed to put it on her cereal. I didn't know you'd use it instead." He'd just wanted to pay his sister back for ratting him out to their mother yesterday. "Why'd you have to go to work late today, anyway?"

"I'm dropping you three at school, and bringing your Grandmother Rose back to watch the baby. Your mother is concerned that she's not prepared to put on a good Christmas for you and your siblings. We're going to fix that today, if you'll cooperate." Frank pushed the sugar bowl toward his son.

"Yes, Sir." Danny took the dish to the sink and emptied it, then refilled it with sugar from the canister.

Frank poured himself a fresh cup of coffee, mixed in a spoon of sugar and some milk. "Now, get upstairs and get ready to go."

When Danny nodded and ran for the stairs, Frank sat down at the table for a second try at morning caffeine. His eldest was certainly angling for a position on Santa's naughty list…

By the time Danny and Erin arrived home from school later that day, the house looked much different. Strings of lights adorned the front door and window, and a tree had been acquired and set up in the living room and the lower part of the tree was in the process of being decorated by Joe. But as soon as he heard the front door open, he put down the ornament he was holding and ran for the door. "Danny! It snowed all day today! Help me make a snowman," he asked. "Please?"

Danny peeled off his jacket and shook the snow off it. "Why don't you ask Jamie to help?" he asked his brother.

"I did! But Grandma Rose says Jamie's too little to play in the snow. 'sides, he's busy sleeping again. Because being born is hard, and he's growing lots and lots, and that takes up all his energy, Grandma Rose said."

Did Joey actually want to spend time with him again? "Okay, fine." He shrugged back into his jacket. "But only if it's a football player snowman. A Jets player."

"Jets! Jets! Jets!" Joe chanted. "We can use your football, and my Jets socking cap!"

"It's called a stocking cap, kid," Danny told his little brother.

"Why?"

"It just is," Danny retorted. "C'mon. Last one outside gets a wedgie!"

"No, I don't!" Joe ran for the door to the back yard as fast as he could.

Making the snowman filled the next few hours for the two boys, but they finally had it completed except for the accessories. Danny looked over their creation.

"Is it time for the football and my hat now?" Joe asked again.

"It's time," Danny agreed. "But I think your hat might be too small. You should go borrow Erin's, and I'll grab the football. Go."

"Okay!" Joe ran back into the house and up the stairs.

Danny followed behind his brother, headed for the kitchen. "Mom, where did you put my football yesterday?" he yelled to his mother.

==BB==BB==

An hour later, Erin headed down to the kitchen herself to look for a late-afternoon snack after a long afternoon of a little homework and a lot of chatting with her friends. As she walked by the back door, she caught a glimpse of Danny's and Joe's snowman. "How cute. A loser football player," she mumbled to herself. And the silly boys had built it right on top of Mom's tulip garden. That couldn't be good for the bulbs. Then she took a closer look at the snowman. It was wearing a Jets stocking cap. Her Jets stocking cap. "Joey! Get in here!"

Joe trotted into the room a minute later. "Yeah?"

"Joey, is that my hat?"

"Yeah, you told me I could borrow it. 'member?"

"To wear, not to decorate your snowman!" Erin grabbed a coat off the nearby rack and shoved her feet into the pair of snow boots they kept near the door. She marched outside and yanked her hat off the snowman. Of all the stupid things to do! Her hat was going to get faded by the sun, and birds would probably do their business on it. What had Joey been thinking? Or, wait? This didn't seem like something her sweet little brother would do on his own. What had Danny been thinking? He was probably behind this. Well, she'd show him! She grabbed the football out of the snowman's arm and tucked in under the coat, then stomped back into the house.

"What did you do to our snowman?" Danny met her as she came through the door.

"Took back my stuff," Erin snipped as she shrugged out of the coat and boots.

"The football's not yours. Gimme."

"Not until you say you're sorry for taking my hat," Erin demanded. "You should've used your own."

"What if I'm not sorry? And what would I wear on my head if I used my hat for the snowman? And give me my football."

"I'll think about while you go find some other hat."

"Fine!" Danny quickly turned and headed upstairs to the bedroom. He returned a minute later holding the black felt beret Erin had set out to wear the next evening to Midnight Mass. "Hey, Erin, what about this one?" he teased.

"Give that to me!" Erin demanded.

"Not until you give me my football! What'd you do with it, anyway?"

Erin smirked. "Not telling. Not until you give me my hat."

"No football, no hat." Danny demanded.

"No hat, no football," Erin shot back.

Danny grabbed up a pair of scissors his mother had left on the table from wrapping presents. "Give me my football, or the hat gets it."

Erin glared at her brother. "You wouldn't."

"Try me." Danny opened and closed the scissors. "Isn't this where you say, 'please don't hurt my clothing'?"

"How about, 'please don't hurt my football?" Erin asked. She reached over toward the microwave oven she was standing beside and turned the power level up to the maximum, then moved her finger toward the "Start" button.

Danny scowled at her, then shoved part of the hat into the blades of the scissors and closed them, nearly cutting Erin's beret in half.

Erin gasped, then pushed the power button on the microwave.

It was at that moment, as Danny and Erin were glaring silently at each other, the scissors and Erin's ruined hat still in Danny's had, the microwave whirring in the background, Joe standing in shocked silence looking from one older sibling to the other, that Frank and Mary led Henry, into the kitchen, to set out the pizzas he'd brought for the family dinner.

"Anyone care to explain what's going on here?" Frank asked.

"Danny cut up my hat!" Erin cried. "He used my Jets hat on the snowman, and when I told him to find another, he got my Christmas hat and chopped it up!"

At the same time, Danny called out, "She's nuking my football. She hid it and wouldn't give it back, and now she's nuking it."

While Frank was still trying to interpret what either one of them was saying, Mary pushed past him. "For God's sake, Erin, turn that thing off right now!"

Before anyone could get to the microwave, with a loud bang and the crack of breaking glass, the microwave door blew open and the acrid smell of burnt rubber filled the room.

"Is everyone okay?" Henry called out over the family's alarmed shouts.

"'m okay, Grandpa" Joe confirmed from his position curled up on the floor.

"Fine," Erin replied.

"I'm fine, but she blew up my football!" Danny shouted.

"You sliced up my hat!" Erin yelled back.

Frank looked around the room at his two angry eldest children, glaring at each other; his youngest, crying in his grandmother's arms at the door; his next youngest, curled up against Mary across the kitchen. And Mary, trying so hard to fight back tears. After all she'd tried to do for them today to give them the perfect Christmas despite all the demands an almost-premature new baby made on her time and energy; despite giving birth to that baby only two weeks earlier; this is how Danny and Erin repaid her? With bickering and destruction of property? "That's it," he declared. "You two are getting nothing for Christmas!"

So, I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas

Mommy and Daddy are mad.

I'm gettin' nothin' for Christmas

'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad.

I won't be seeing Santa Claus;

Somebody snitched on me.

He won't come visit me because

Somebody snitched on me.

Next year I'll be going straight;

Next year I'll be good, just wait

I'd start now, but it's too late;

Somebody snitched on me.

Is it really too late? Ho-ho-no! Check back tomorrow for Part 2.